There is a lawyer in front of me at the coffee shop who loves complaining. He’s talking about making over $203,000 last year and is complaining about rarely sleeping. Well no sh*t. You made what I’ll probably make in my lifetime, I’d hope I’m getting a little bit more sleep than you. You chose that life sir, live with it. And look at your damn pant leg, it’s tucked into your sock. You’re a mess.

I love my new car. I loved my old 1997 Honda Civic, ‘the red machine’ if you will, but she just wasn’t fitting into my life anymore. We grew apart. And even though both of us are getting uglier as time goes on, we just are on different paths. So now, hopefully she can light up someone else’s life. I know my new car is lighting up mine. We’ve bonded. I’ve already used the seat warmers. She warmed my butt. She’s the best.

That was weird.

Wanne see me be awkward on video?? Here you go!! Remember when I went to Boston a few months back to film some cooking videos? Well, Again Faster has been posting those videos more and more. I can’t watch most of them because I instantly think of things I could do better on video. And there’s a lot. Like smile more. Have you ever watched Giada De Laurentiis (definitely had to look up how to spell that name) on her cooking shows? She never stops smiling. I don’t get how she does it. Probably because she has at least 106 teeth to work with. But either way, it’s damn hard to smile ALL.THE.TIME. I obviously haven’t mastered it, but I’m getting better. I’m thinking about getting more teeth implanted in my face to help with that issue.

Ok, I need to pimp out a product I just recently tried because I LOVE IT. It’s called Epic Bar. It’s a jerky bar that has the best quality meat and other ingredients such as cranberries or cherries. My favorite is the bison, bacon and cranberry bar. It is epic. And it’s the perfect mid day snack when you’re unsure of what to eat. Seriously. You have to try it.

So I made this recipe and Laura thought the pepperoni was great, while the boyfriend thought it was better without the pepperoni. So this is what I’m going to recommend. If you like pepperoni, eat it in the salad. If you don’t, then don’t. And add avocado. Or just add avocado anyways because it’s delicious in anything.

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Hawaiian Pizza Salad

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5 from 6 reviews

  • Yield: 4-5 1x



For the garlic crockpot pork

  • 23 pound pork shoulder (I used bone-in)
  • 4 garlic cloves, peeled
  • 1 yellow onion, sliced
  • 1 teaspoon garlic powder
  • salt, to taste (more is better than less)

For the salad

  • 2 hearts of romaine lettuce, roughly chopped
  • 1 red bell pepper, cored and diced
  • 1 (4 ounce) container of button mushrooms, sliced
  • 2 cups pineapple, diced
  • 1/2 cup pepperoni, diced
  • Tessemae’s cracked pepper dressing (optional)
  • 2 tablespoons fat (I used grass fed butter, but you could use bacon fat or coconut oil)


  1. First you gotta cook your pork, because it’s going to take about 8-10 hours.
  2. Place the sliced onions in the bottom of your crockpot then add the pork shoulder. Take a sharp knife and poke 4 holes in different places in the pork. Press the peeled garlic cloves into the holes.
  3. Sprinkle garlic powder and salt on the pork and onions.
  4. Cover and let cook on low for 8-10 hours. Then shred directly in the crockpot. You won’t need any liquid for this meat if it has enough fat on it, it will render a good amount of liquid into the crockpot.
  5. Once your meat is shredded, start making the rest of your salad.
  6. Place a medium skillet over medium-high heat, add 2 tablespoons of fat, then add the mushrooms with a pinch of salt and cook down until soft and brown.
  7. When the mushrooms are done and the everything else has been chopped, add it all together.
  8. Top the salad with any dressing you like. I didn’t use any dressing and didn’t think it needed it. Delish.

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 PaleOMG Hawaiian Pizza Salad


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  1. Melissa says:

    OMG this post is hilarious. You crack me up