Myrtle the Turtle – Episode 90: PaleOMG Uncensored Podcast

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Today on the podcast, I’m talking about my recent travels with my SIL, Ariana Grande and her latest engagement, and why Pete Davidson doesn’t deserve to have hands.


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Episode 90 Transcription!
90 Myrtle Beach

This is Juli Bauer from PaleOMG and you are listening to PaleOMG Uncensored.

Juli Bauer: Blah! This podcast is being a real son of a B.

Carra Roth: Son of a B.

Juli Bauer: Son of a B. Luckily, Carra has something to tell the group today.

Carra Roth: I got a job?

Juli Bauer: Yes!

Carra Roth: Yay!

Juli Bauer: Congratulations.

Carra Roth: Thanks.

Juli Bauer: This podcast will forever be boring again.

Carra Roth: Aww. Sad!

Juli Bauer: Aww! Now I have to record by myself all again.

Carra Roth: {laughs} Sorry. Or you could do it on my off hours.

Juli Bauer: When is that? Saturday/Sunday?

Carra Roth: Yeah. {laughs} Or evenings.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. So, you don’t have.

Carra Roth: Nights and weekends.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. So let’s do; Sundays are cut off from your outside world. You have to only work with me.

Carra Roth: {laughs} Yeah. I’ll help you.

Juli Bauer: I’ll pay you.

Carra Roth: I’m in!

Juli Bauer: Ok. Welcome to another episode of PaleOMG Uncensored. Sorry if the audio sounds weird. I mean, it sounds weird every week because I record with my computer. Not even a microphone. This is straight up computer. We had a microphone glitch error; meaning it won’t work and I can’t figure it out until…

Carra Roth: Technical difficulties.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. So I almost threw the computer at the wall. Look at Michael on the screen right now. So before we started recording for a hot second, and then the computer stopped. And I was telling a story about wearing my new leggings. I’m wearing a blue outfit. It’s a blue kind of day. Like, it’s down in the dumps. It’s kind of sh*tty outside.

Carra Roth: Yeah, but that’s a bright blue to brighten it up.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Super fun blue. And this new kid who is like 22 years old. He just started coaching. And he has a Young Life bumper sticker. And I’ve already spoke my truth about bumper stickers. They’re the worst.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: So you know you can’t trust him.

Carra Roth: Do most people know what Young Life is?

Juli Bauer: I don’t know.

Carra Roth: Like, church groups.

Juli Bauer: I feel like most people do, but maybe that’s just a Colorado thing. I don’t know.

Carra Roth: Yeah, I don’t know.

Juli Bauer: Like, ok. Did you ever watch the wild, wild country on Netflix?

Carra Roth: I don’t think so.

Juli Bauer: So it was where this cult took over this area in Oregon.

Carra Roth: OK, yeah, yeah, yeah. I watched half of the first episode. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Yes. So, after they got kicked out, or they left, and left this huge area of land, Young Life took over. So it was like; it went from the crazy cult like people who were having sex in all corners of this area they took over, to Young Life, where you don’t have sex at all. {laughs}

Carra Roth: Ok.

Juli Bauer: Sex until marriage. I think Young Life is like; don’t have sex until marriage style.

Carra Roth: So they’re meeting up weekly?

Juli Bauer: So the Young Life group I tried to be part of when I was a teenager.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: But did not fit in.

Carra Roth: Because of your teenage angst, or what?

Juli Bauer: No, because I’m not religious whatsoever. I was trying to find friends, and I was like gah; I feel like there are friends who…

Carra Roth: Maybe this will be my crowd?

Juli Bauer: Yeah.

Carra Roth: You’re like the Goldilocks of friend groups? You’re like; maybe this one.

Juli Bauer: Yeah.

Carra Roth: Nope! {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Nope. I don’t get what you’re saying. Not a big bible person over here. Very supportive of you people and you’re bible.

Carra Roth: Yeah, but I’m out.

Juli Bauer: But I’m out. So Young Life; that group met every week. And I don’t know, they read bible versus and talked about being a better person. That kind of stuff.

Carra Roth: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: And I obviously did not fit in. Because I don’t want to talk about Jesus, and I’m not a good person.

Carra Roth: Not interested! {laughs}

Juli Bauer: So anyways, he, at the gym was like; I don’t like your outfit.

Carra Roth: That’s bold. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Bold! This motherf*cker.

Carra Roth: Especially for a boy to say that to you. A male.

Juli Bauer: A boy. And we’re not friends. I barely know his name. He doesn’t know mine. He asked me today when he was writing my name on the board. And he’s like; I don’t like your outfit. I’m like; ok, motherf*cker. You’re wearing a CrossFit T-shirt. You’re a tool bag. {laughs}

Carra Roth: {laughs} Everyone at your f*cking cult wears a CrossFit T-shirt.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. And they’re all amazing, and I love them, and they can wear all the T-shirts they want. But his; the worst. He was like; it’s too matchy. I’m like, ok you motherf*cker.

Carra Roth: That’s the point, you dummy!

Juli Bauer: Yeah. So he thinks it’s too matchy. He’s like; you’ve got to wear something like this; and he points at his shirt. And he’s like; see, I have the black and red with red shorts and black shoes. I was like; those two colors are hideous together.

Carra Roth: You should have asked him if you can find it on his Like to Know it page.

Juli Bauer: For real.

Carra Roth: Because obviously he knows fashion.

Juli Bauer: He does yeah. Where can I get that T-shirt. Because, man a skull on a T-shirt is my jam.

Carra Roth: He knows what he’s doing.

Juli Bauer: So, I immediately; and I thought this guy was hot when he first started at the gym. I was like; oh, this guy’s cute. And now he’s immediately hideous.

Carra Roth: {laughing} The worst.

Juli Bauer: He is disgusting.

Carra Roth: Oh man. Poor guy.

Juli Bauer: No.

Carra Roth: But no. Not poor guy.

Juli Bauer: He’s just digging that grave. So the next time he tries to coach me, I’ll be like; I hate your outfit, go away.

Carra Roth: {laughs} So wait, what did you tell him? What did you say to him when he said he didn’t like your outfit?

Juli Bauer: I was like; well you’re a dude. And he was like; no, you’ve got to match it like this. And talked about his matchy-matchy. I was like; you don’t have a vagina. You don’t get it.

Carra Roth: What did he say to that?

Juli Bauer: And then it kind of faded out. I was like; I’m leaving immediately. {laughs} And I’m going to shame you on the internet now.

Carra Roth: Well if it’s any consolation, I thought you looked adorable.

Juli Bauer: Thanks man! Speaking of, new leggings are coming out soon.

Carra Roth: Yay!

Juli Bauer: Leggings, crops, shorts, sports bra.

Carra Roth: The whole line.

Juli Bauer: The whole line.

Carra Roth: Anything you want. And, you can mix and match! {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Mix and match! So we have 6 six different colors.

Carra Roth: It would make this guy so happy.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, I’m going to mix and match next time and be like; do you approve, Young Life? I’m going to start calling him Young Life, too.

Carra Roth: YL.

Juli Bauer: YL. Yeah. He’ll be like; why is she calling me that? I don’t know, YL.

Carra Roth: {laughs} Ok back to leggings.

Juli Bauer: Ok. So we have 6 different colors.

Carra Roth: They’re all so cute.

Juli Bauer: So fun! Shorts. They’re like spandex shorts. I do not wear shorts at all and I actually like these shorts. I still will not workout in shorts, because I like my vagina tucked away. I like my cellulite tucked away. I like not seeing the jiggle as I’m running.

Carra Roth: Some stuff just needs to be held very tightly while you’re doing some movements, you know?

Juli Bauer: Yeah. There are very few people who crush the workout shorts game.

Carra Roth: Yeah. I only let the people I really love see my cellulite.

Juli Bauer: Yeah.

Carra Roth: Not just randoms at the gym. You don’t get to see that.

Juli Bauer: No! My cellulite is mine, not yours.

Carra Roth: Not for your eyes.

Juli Bauer: But these shorts are 4-inch length, so they’re more coverage. They’re not too short, they’re not too long. They’re not like cycling shorts that the dudes wear, and they tuck their balls inside of them. Somebody told me that recently. When guys bike, their balls go into them.

Carra Roth: What? Inside their body?

Juli Bauer: Inside their body. That’s what she said. What do you think?

Carra Roth: That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard.

Juli Bauer: I know. I’ve never talked…

Carra Roth: But we’re not men. So how do we judge?

Juli Bauer: Yeah. My vagina just sits there.

Carra Roth: Yeah. It just sits.

Juli Bauer: On top of the bike. Being slammed into the bike.

Carra Roth: And bruised.

Juli Bauer: Bruised!

Carra Roth: It just gets so bruised.

Juli Bauer: I hate cycling.

Carra Roth: It’s the worst.

Juli Bauer: Carra went to a yoga class this week. How was your yoga class? Because you’re not a big yoga girl.

Carra Roth: It was good. It was good to reincorporate that into my routine, regimen. I just felt like I really needed stretched out. I was toit.

Juli Bauer: Toit.

Carra Roth: I needed some stretching. And it was really good for that. And I’m sore from it.

Juli Bauer: That’s awesome.

Carra Roth: It was relaxing. It was quite nice.

Juli Bauer: Feeling fit.

Carra Roth: It was at 10 a.m. Just wasted my day, you know.

Juli Bauer: That’s great.

Carra Roth: It really was.

Juli Bauer: That’s great. So Carra starts her job on Monday, right?

Carra Roth: Monday.

Juli Bauer: Ugh. I’m so devastated.

Carra Roth: I know.

Juli Bauer: You didn’t fix my office.

Carra Roth: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: {laughs} I was hoping that when I was in Myrtle Beach, I would come home to a new car that my husband bought so I didn’t have to deal with it, and an organized office.

Carra Roth: Sh*t, we really dropped the ball.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, I’m living a f*cking privileged life, if you’ve ever seen one. Jesus Christ.

Carra Roth: I’ll put in overtime.

Juli Bauer: Ok. Yeah, Sunday dedication. Because it’s still a sh*t storm in there.

Carra Roth: OK.

Juli Bauer: I got really cute new shoes though.

Carra Roth: I’m excited to see them.

Juli Bauer: They’re just tennis shoes. I’m going to do a post all about travel shoes; wearing tennis shoes when you’re traveling, but cute shoes you can wear with cute outfits.

Carra Roth: Love cute shoes.

Juli Bauer: Love it.

Carra Roth: Love it.

Juli Bauer: So, big news. If you guys have listened to this podcast regularly, I’ve mentioned many times how I was hoping to get an invite to New Zealand; for the owner of our gym. He’s getting married in New Zealand.

Carra Roth: {laughs} And the subtle hints worked!

Juli Bauer: Yeah, I f*cking laid down the hints, like; “Hey remember that one time when I invited you to my wedding and you didn’t come, motherf*cker?” That kind of hint.

Carra Roth: Yeah, my destination wedding.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, in Jamaica. Like, you have a vacation. But his life was a little bit different then. So the hints worked, and I got an invite!

Carra Roth: {laughs} Have you booked it yet?

Juli Bauer: No. But, big news. My husband, your brother. He can; he is trying to make it all work, obviously. Because as soon as I got that invite, I was like; knots in my stomach, how the f*ck am I going to talk Brian into going on this?

Carra Roth: I was, behind my back, fingers crossed that I got to be your backup.

Juli Bauer: {laughing}

Carra Roth: {laughs} For this one. It’s like; Brian can’t go, I guess I’ll have to sub in again. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: {laughing} Always subbing. Luckily, Tommy, the guy who married Brian and I, he got invited to the wedding. And he already booked his tickets, with his girlfriend, by the way.

Carra Roth: I heard that.

Juli Bauer: She’s going. Yeah, look at them.

Carra Roth: Good for them.

Juli Bauer: Just being all adult.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: So since he already booked his tickets, I think that made Brian a little more interested, because he has a friend.

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: He’s friends with Jason, but.

Carra Roth: I should warn her about; have we talked about that first night? We talked about that night in Mexico.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, when Tommy got so drunk and somebody threw him into your room.

Carra Roth: Yeah. I should warn her about that first night in New Zealand.

Juli Bauer: He’s a hot mess. Yeah! He is a hot mess. Ok, oh my god I have a burning throat from my CrossFit workout today. Can you connect? {laughs}

Carra Roth: Yeah. CrossFit sounds great.

Juli Bauer: I know. You still haven’t tried it yet. It’s the best. So anyway. This trip to New Zealand came up, and I told Brian we have to be at least 10 days there. And not even there, just 10 days of travel. Because it takes 24 hours to get there.

Carra Roth: It does; I was just going to ask you that.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, like the long flights. Or, sorry, 12 hours, almost 13 hours. So we’d be overnighting it. But I think we leave on a Saturday night, and we get there Monday afternoon.

Carra Roth: That’s crazy.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. But then when you come back, you get back on the same day. Which is nice.

Carra Roth: That sounds like our Aruba travel.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, the worst.

Carra Roth: That was supposed to be like 5 hours of travel.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. God, I hope that doesn’t happen. So, anyway, he texted me today and he’s like; I think I’m going to be able to make it work. And, make our New Years in Cabo work still.

Carra Roth: Yay!

Juli Bauer: So we’ve got to get Cabo fit.

Carra Roth: #Cabofit. When is the New Zealand wedding? September? November?

Juli Bauer: November. Over Thanksgiving. So you and Jackson have to have Thanksgiving together. {laughing}

Carra Roth: We’ll just eat turkey.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. He might be allergic to turkey. He’s allergic to everything right now.

Carra Roth: Ok. Well are we going to eat peas?

Juli Bauer: Yeah, you can’t share anything with him. I didn’t even get him a plantain chip today.

Carra Roth: Oh man. This is going to be a new life for him.

Juli Bauer: I know, it sucks. A sad life. He’s so skinny though. He’s like 36 pounds.

Carra Roth: He is Cabo Fit.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, he’s Cabo fit for sure. {laughs} Purging just really gets you there.

Carra Roth: Yeah. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: So Jackson has been very sick lately. It’s been incredibly sad. And we think it’s his food, because we cut him off from his food for a while, fed him chicken and rice and he was getting better. And then I was like; oh, maybe it was just something he ate outside, let’s try his food again. And then he was immediately sick. So, hey. There’s your sign, mom. So I was literally poisoning my son.

Carra Roth: On accident.

Juli Bauer: On accident.

Carra Roth: You had the best intentions.

Juli Bauer: I feel so bad. So somebody else sent me an article.

Carra Roth: It’s weird that it just happened all of a sudden, though.

Juli Bauer: I know.

Carra Roth: Because he’s been on this food for a while.

Juli Bauer: I know. But they said, just like humans, dogs can get those allergies or sensitivities. So, he’s going on a hypoallergenic regimen.

Carra Roth: Has he tried any of that food yet?

Juli Bauer: No.

Carra Roth: I’m sure he’ll love it.

Juli Bauer: I have to get a bag of it tonight. They didn’t have a shipment in yet. But I got a can of it, or something. And then I have to go get him an antacid, like a Prilosec style thing.

Carra Roth: For forever?

Juli Bauer: For just a little bit, I think.

Carra Roth: Did they advise you against making; because you were going to make his food. Did they advise against that?

Juli Bauer: Yes. So everybody kept writing me; it was so overwhelming. I have hundreds of messages from people right now.

Carra Roth: Which is really sweet.

Juli Bauer: It’s so nice of people. But I have hundreds of messages. And it’s like; from last night, I had a minor panic attack crying fit because somebody wrote me and was like; I didn’t know what was going on with my dog, and he was throwing up, and I found out he had intestinal cancer and then he died.

Carra Roth: Ok.

Juli Bauer: Yes. I was like; ma’am, can you stop?

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: So I had a total panic attack last night, and slept with Jackson on the couch. Because I was like; oh my god.

Carra Roth: Because why wouldn’t you?

Juli Bauer: Yeah.

Carra Roth: Because he’s not allowed in bed.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, get your stinky ass breath in my face, I don’t care. I just want to make sure you’re comfortable. And I knew he would wake me up at some point to go to the bathroom, because he’s been feeling like that.

So all these people are messaging me, telling me to make his own food. Put him on a raw diet, and when you go to the vet and talk to the vet. Obviously, everybody is different. But the vet that I go to, they don’t recommend it because you might miss out on some of the vitamins and minerals. So even though you’re feeding him a rounded meal with protein and vegetables and some starch, then it’s not going to have calcium and other things. It just can be hurtful in some ways. So, I’m going to put him on this food that they recommend at the vet and see how he does with that. Because I don’t want to hurt him worse.

And please don’t message me with all your information, because I’m just doing…

Carra Roth: Yeah. This is doctor recommended.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Exactly. You have to work with a vet and figure out what’s going on without hurting your dog more. So, we’ve just had a sick little panda in the house here. It’s been really sad.

Carra Roth: Yeah. He seems like he’s in pretty good spirits today, right now.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. He still hasn’t gone on a walk. He doesn’t want to go on a walk today. But it’s so sad.

Carra Roth: Yeah. It’s really the worst.

Juli Bauer: I know. I felt so bad yesterday.

Carra Roth: Because he’s such a good boy.

Juli Bauer: Can you believe how long we were driving yesterday?

Carra Roth: No!

Juli Bauer: Carra and I got stuck in traffic, and it took me; we were trying to go to this event and we got stuck past the event, so turning around was just not going to f*cking happen. So then we had to figure out a new route home. By the time I got home, I had been driving for 2 hours.

Carra Roth: It was insane.

Juli Bauer: I was like; what the hell? We weren’t even that far. We were supposed to drive 15 minutes to get to this event.

Carra Roth: I knew that wasn’t going to happen. I was like; yeah right. It’s 4 o’clock. There’s no way it’s going to take 15 minutes.

Juli Bauer: But say 30 minutes. Double the time. And then it was 2 hours.

Carra Roth: Yeah, but then you had to go back through rush hour from downtown. I think; someone told me today, I think the game, the baseball game got out right as rush hour got out. So it was a huge cluster f*ck.

Juli Bauer: I hate sports! Come on sports! You ruin everything! Be outside of Denver. Or downtown. Doesn’t that seem fair?

Carra Roth: Go in the suburbs? {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Yeah, go in the suburbs where you can park anywhere. Life is easy. Anyway.

Carra Roth: We’ll reach out to the city and request that.

Juli Bauer: Ok. Wait, oh I have to tell you this. Because I listened to this on my way home, and somebody wrote me a message. I’m sitting in traffic. I look at this Instagram message. That podcast I was listening to, called This Sounds Serious.

Carra Roth: About the twin brothers?

Juli Bauer: Yes! Carra.

Carra Roth: What happened? Are you allowed to talk about it on this?

Juli Bauer: It was a fake podcast! It’s a fake story.

Carra Roth: I hate you so much.

Juli Bauer: I hate myself!

Carra Roth: Oh my god.

Juli Bauer: So this girl wrote me and was like; I feel so stupid that I didn’t figure out it was a fake podcast until the fifth episode. I was like; it’s a fake podcast?!

Carra Roth: What do you mean? They just make these stories up?

Juli Bauer: Yeah.

Carra Roth: Why?

Juli Bauer: I have no idea! It’s like; just a story.

Carra Roth: So Julie never really shares these true crime stories with me, but she was like; this is a good one. You will not believe this story.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. It’s a good story.

Carra Roth: And that’s exactly why. Because you won’t believe it. Because it’s not true.

Juli Bauer: Yeah! So I was like; how did you figure out it wasn’t serious? Because there are some parts in it where you’re like, these people are f*cking weird. But it’s based in Florida, so I’m like; ok, this is completely believable.

Carra Roth: Yeah, that makes sense. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: I’m like; the weirdest f*cking people and the weirdest sh*t happens in Florida. Or come out of Florida.

Carra Roth: So they just made this whole podcast up? Why do people listen to it?

Juli Bauer: I don’t know!

Carra Roth: It’s just like, nonfiction?

Juli Bauer: I guess so. I mean, it was a compelling story. But that’s because I thought it was real.

Carra Roth: Yeah. I was really hooked. I was like; oh my god, you have to let me know how that ends.

Juli Bauer: Yes. I told Carra the whole story of this podcast. It’s called This Sounds Serious. Recommend it. It was still great. But it was better when I thought it was real.

Carra Roth: Yeah, for sure. 100%.

Juli Bauer: Real murder is more compelling than fake murder.

Carra Roth: Definitely. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Are you listening to any new podcasts right now?

Carra Roth: No. I’m really bad at podcasts. So they all; they just download on my phone and take up room, and then I get a notification every time I want to do anything on my phone that my storage is almost full.

Juli Bauer: Sh*t, son!

Carra Roth: And it’s all because of these podcasts that I don’t listen to.

Juli Bauer: I need to erase some. That’s a shame. Do you ever listen to this one?

Carra Roth: {laughs} No.

Juli Bauer: {laughing} That’s completely fair.

Carra Roth: I did listen to the first one; I was like, I just wanted to make sure I didn’t sound like a total dick. And then I was like; eh, whatever.

Juli Bauer: You can’t. I never listen back to these things. Like, I edit them, but I don’t listen back word for word.

Carra Roth: Yeah. That’s so scary.

Juli Bauer: Hearing my voice, it’s this manly, raspy voice that I have.

Carra Roth: {laughs} It’s really scary.

Juli Bauer: Smoker’s lung. It’s not cute. Can I tell you about my Myrtle Beach trip?

Carra Roth: Please.

Juli Bauer: Ok, so Carra came back. Or, I came back from Myrtle Beach. And Carra was like; tell me about South Carolina! And I was like, I can’t tell you. I have to tell you about it on the podcast.

Carra Roth: Yeah, I don’t know anything about it.

Juli Bauer: So, I didn’t know anything about Myrtle Beach before I went there. But Frontier just started; oh my god my throat. My lungs are just bleeding.

Carra Roth: Drink some water.

Juli Bauer: But it’s not that. It’s like inside my lungs. I can’t drink into my lungs.

Carra Roth: Yeah that’s bad.

Juli Bauer: Ok. So Frontier just started direct flights from Colorado to Myrtle Beach. It’s like, 4 hours. So it’s great. So nice to go direct; especially if you’re flying with families. And Myrtle Beach is such a family-oriented place. When I got to Myrtle Beach, or my friends who knew I was going to Myrtle Beach beforehand. They were like; dirty Myrtle. And it is. It is dirty Myrtle!

Carra Roth: Oh no!

Juli Bauer: No offense to Myrtle Beach, you’re great. But it’s kind of run down. And they have all these; oh my god, my voice is dying.

Carra Roth: Yeah. You’re like straining.

Juli Bauer: This is what happens when you CrossFit really hard. So when you go to Myrtle Beach, there’s putt-putt golf course everywhere. Every 400 feet you can go putt-putt golfing.

Carra Roth: Big putt-putt guys out there.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Love it. There are water parks. There are shows you can go see. Like, pirates of the Caribbean show.

Carra Roth: This reminds me of Branson. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Yes! It is 100% Branson, Missouri. But right on the beach, which is great. But everything is just a little bit run down. And it’s like seafood buffets every 5 feet.

Carra Roth: That makes me want to throw up.

Juli Bauer: And they’re huge seafood buffets. Like, American Furniture Warehouse seafood buffets.

Carra Roth: That’s disgusting.

Juli Bauer: It’s so gross! And the whole parking lot. It’s like 4:30 p.m., and the whole parking lot was full.

Carra Roth: I just imagine fat guys wearing overalls walking in there. I don’t know why.

Juli Bauer: Ew!

Carra Roth: I don’t know what, but that’s just what I picture.

Juli Bauer: I’m sure. And then kids eating these chicken fingers.

Carra Roth: And sneezing all over the food. That’s what I picture.

Juli Bauer: Gross. Seafood buffets; think how stinky it is in there.

Carra Roth: Ugh!

Juli Bauer: Can’t.

Carra Roth: And it can’t be fresh. It’s just sitting under those heat lamps. Ugh!

Juli Bauer: And it’s coming straight from the water, because obviously it’s on the water.

Carra Roth: That’s where you go when you want to lose some quick LBS.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, you need to get Cabo fit.

Carra Roth: Yeah, you go eat at the seafood buffet.

Juli Bauer: Seriously.

Carra Roth: You’ll get real skinny, real quick.

Juli Bauer: {laughs} So, I took my best friend there, who just got a job in Durango.

Carra Roth: To the seafood buffet? Or to Myrtle Beach?

Juli Bauer: To Myrtle Beach. So we get there the first day. Our flight was delayed, so we got there kind of late. And we ate at our hotel first, and it was real sketchy. I was like; uh-oh. This is not setting up the best experience of what things are going to be like. Because the restaurant we were supposed to go to was already closed since our flight was delayed, and it was only open to lunch. So we’re like; ok, whatever, we’ll just get a snack. And the snack was kind of sketchy.

So then we go to this restaurant that was planned that night; it was on our itinerary. And it was all about cocktails. They make their own syrups.

Carra Roth: I saw pictures of that. That looked fun.

Juli Bauer: Yes. So the cocktails were fun. {laughs} When you walk in, nobody else was in there. There were like 5 waitresses, and nobody else.

Carra Roth: And what day did you guys get there? This was during the week, right?

Juli Bauer: I think Wednesday.

Carra Roth: Ok.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. So it was a Wednesday. And we were there at like 6:30. And nobody was in there.

Carra Roth: Everybody was putt-putting.

Juli Bauer: Well, totally. Because this was off the…

Carra Roth: Prime putt-putt hours.

Juli Bauer: They have the strip, pretty much. Ocean drive. And it’s like, Vegas mixed with white trash. You go in, and it has stores that are like $5 swimsuits. And you can get all your floaties. And here’s a game you can play. And it’s just like; a place you don’t want to be.

Carra Roth: Ok. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: I just don’t want to be down there. So then we walk into this restaurant. And on the itinerary, it says the chef will prepare a paleo appetizer for you, and this is what happens kind of at some of these restaurants. So I let them know, and the chef comes out. Doesn’t introduce himself; he just sits down really fast next to us and he’s like; so, what’s paleo?

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: And we’re like; um… He’s like, do you eat meat? I was like, yeah, we totally like meat. And he was like; ok, what about potatoes. I was like, yeah, we eat potatoes. He’s like, ok so I have some wagyu beef in the back. And it’s not on the menu anymore, but do you want some wagyu beef? I was like, ok.

Carra Roth: {laughs} Yeah, how long has it been in the back?

Juli Bauer: Right! What are you talking about? So it was super weird. The floors were peeling up on this floor. And it was called the Chemist; no offense to them, great drinks. But the floors were peeling up. You know when you’re in the chemistry class, and you’re at the table. What’s that table called that has all the elements. The element table.

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Is that what it’s called? So that’s their floor, but the floor is peeling up. Like, bubbling and peeling because it’s probably f*cking humid there. It is humid there. So we got this appetizer that was like meat; it was like steak. And then he sent his wagyu beef. So we had steak on steak and some cabbage or something.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: I was just like; what is happening? The meat was really great. It was delicious. But the chef kept telling us; he was like, since the menu changed, and now I can’t even cook.

Carra Roth: What does that mean?

Juli Bauer: I was like, I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know your name. I don’t know who you are. You’re just serving me some wagyu beef from the back.

Carra Roth: It’s not on the menu.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Wagyu beef is supposed to be aged or something. How aged is it? It’s not a fine wine that gets better sitting on the shelf.

Carra Roth: That’s sketch. But it was good, so.

Juli Bauer: It was fine. The cocktails; delicious. Super sweet.

Carra Roth: Good. What did you get?

Juli Bauer: I don’t know.

Carra Roth: Did you get something spicy?

Juli Bauer: I did. Ok, and this was like another weird part. So, the menu, you have your menu and it has all the ingredients in the drink, obviously. And there was this tequila one and it had rum. It was tequila and rum, but then it was jalapeno infused, so I wanted it immediately. And I was like; can I get this drink without the rum? And she’s like, there’s not rum in it. And I was like; oh, sorry, it says right here on the menu. And she’s like; weird. Let me ask the bartender.

She goes over to the bartender, and the bartender looks like he’s just annoyed. And he’s like there’s not rum in that drink. He looks over at me. I was like; ok, I’m just reading the menu. It says right here.

Carra Roth: {laughs} Yeah.

Juli Bauer: And he’s like. Oh, I forgot that’s in there.

Carra Roth: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: I was like, what the f*ck? And he’s like, ok, you don’t have to have to have it. I was like; ok, thanks. What? So weird.

Carra Roth: Whether it’s in the drink or not, I don’t want it.

Juli Bauer: Yeah! It was just a weird ambiance. It was weird. It was weird.

Carra Roth: That sounds really weird.

Juli Bauer: It was just like we’re in a very white trashy area, kind of sketchy. But then; I have to look at my pictures and remember everything. So the next morning we woke up and we went to this place that was like a little organic market. So kind of like a Natural Grocers, but smaller. And they have a kitchen in the back, so they make healthy meals. And they had paleo wraps. So we got little paleo breakfast burritos.

Carra Roth: Nice. Did somebody tell you about that, or did you just happen upon it.

Juli Bauer: That was on our itinerary.

Carra Roth: Oh ok. Gotcha.

Juli Bauer: So we happened upon this grocery store that was right next to it that was called the Fresh Market. And I think it’s big on the East Coast, maybe. But that place was awesome. It was like a mini Whole Foods. They just had awesome products, and I loved it.

Carra Roth: Were the prices comparable, or were they way more expensive since it was a smaller little shop?

Juli Bauer: I have no idea. When I’m buying chocolate I never look at the price.

Carra Roth: OK that’s fair.

Juli Bauer: Thanks. So, we ate at this little market, and that was fun. Then I went and got a massage and it was delightful. I did a little workout afterwards. And Laura loves doing her, what’s it called? What’s that girl on the internet? Dammit.

Carra Roth: I don’t know.

Juli Bauer: She does these great workouts. I have to find it, because it’s going to annoy the sh*t out of me. I’ve talked about her on the podcast before, because I had to stop following her.

Carra Roth: Wait, didn’t you buy her bands?

Juli Bauer: Yes. What’s her name?

Carra Roth: I don’t know. I’d never heard of her before you.

Juli Bauer: People are just yelling at the podcast right now.

Carra Roth: I know, they’re so loud.

Juli Bauer: Oh, Alexia Clark.

Carra Roth: Ok yeah. I remember that name sounds familiar now.

Juli Bauer: So Laura does her workouts. And they take forever. They’re like, her workouts that you purchase. They’re like 6 different things. 6 different almost circuits. And we did three of them one day, and it took us an hour.

Carra Roth: Oh my gosh.

Juli Bauer: And there were 6 of them. Her sh*t is crazy.

Carra Roth: So you’re doing 2-hour workouts?

Juli Bauer: Yes.

Carra Roth: That is like my hell.

Juli Bauer: Right! I was like, I don’t think I could go any faster. And some of them are timed. Like 12-minute AMRAP. So, it’s not like you can go any faster than that. I’m like; f*ck, no wonder this girl is like…

Carra Roth: I was going to say. That’s why she looks the way she does.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, she’s the most tiny muscle human being.

Carra Roth: Good for her.

Juli Bauer: So we did one of her workouts. Modified, obviously. And then we went to this little restaurant that was like a paleo restaurant. And it was so cool; you could build your own bowls. You could pick what oil you wanted to cook them in. And so you guys, if you; will you name the places? I forget all the names of these places. But you can just go to my blog, and under the travel section in the next week I’ll have all the places that I went to so you can find those there. Or my Instagram, as well.

But we went to this paleo restaurant, and you can pick the oil your vegetables or rice is cooked in. So you could pick olive oil, or coconut oil, ghee. So they cooked my veggies in that.

Carra Roth: In what?

Juli Bauer: I picked butter. So you pick whatever toppings, like chicken or beef. I got tuna poke, which was so good. Loved this little place. And Laura and I shared a peanut butter smoothie, because if there’s peanut butter smoothie on any menu, I’m getting it.

Carra Roth: You get it. Duh.

Juli Bauer: Duh. I don’t want a fruit smoothie. When we were in Aruba, we got chocolate protein bowls. We didn’t get just fruit. Don’t give me the colorful acai sh*t.

Carra Roth: No, we want peanut butter and chocolate.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. I want my smoothie bowl to look like poop.

Carra Roth: It’s so good.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. We want it the same color going down that it comes out, know what I’m saying?

Carra Roth: Know what I mean?

Juli Bauer: Know what I’m saying? So we go there. And then we did the most fun thing. We went wine tasting. And I don’t even like wine.

Carra Roth: Yeah. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: But, oh Jackson’s toys aren’t turned out. I don’t like wine at all. I don’t drink it. I never have it in the house. It does not interest me. But whenever I go travel, and they have wine tastings, it’s always so fun going to try all these different wines. And it’s just a sip.

Carra Roth: Yeah, but you get to go to cute vineyards. I’ve never been wine tasting at a cool place like that.

Juli Bauer: Totally. And it makes a huge difference. Like the ambiance. And you’re just tasting one sip. We did wine tastings at this; it was called La Belle Amie vineyard.

Carra Roth: It looks super cute.

Juli Bauer: It was this huge vineyard. Not huge, but they had a good amount of grape vines, and they had an outdoor space where there was live music going on. And this woman was singing. And we just sat outside on the patio after our wine tasting.

Carra Roth: Yeah, you guys’ Instagram stories looked so cute from there.

Juli Bauer: It was so fun. It was so much fun. I loved it. And I feel like it’s not what people think about when they think about Myrtle Beach, obviously.

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Especially because it’s hard to grow grapes there, just because of how humid it is and all that crap. So we went wine tasting. And it’s funny because we tasted all the wine, and I picked my favorite for a whole glass of wine. And then of course I got like 3 sips in, and I’m like; I don’t want to drink a whole glass of wine.

Carra Roth: Were you buzzed?

Juli Bauer: No. Not at all. That’s why it was a bummer. Probably because I had just eaten. But if you’re going to drink wine, you better freaking get a buzz, right? There’s no point.

Carra Roth: Right.

Juli Bauer: So anyway, we did that. And then we wanted to go back to the Fresh Market and get treats. Because we were like; let’s get some dessert for tonight. Like we weren’t going to have dessert. And we get caught in this crazy f*cking storm.

Carra Roth: Yeah, you guys had the craziest weather out there.

Juli Bauer: Yeah we should not have been driving in this storm. It was real deep. Al Roker always says; don’t die, turn around or something that rhymes.

Carra Roth: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: Don’t drive, turn around, don’t die. It’s something to the point. But we didn’t turn around. We went through it. We didn’t die. So f*ck you, Al Roker. But it was super sketchy. So we’re at this grocery store; at this Fresh Market. And we’re waiting under the under hang, because it’s dumping. And we’re like; ok, do we want to run to our car? And we had worked out, and hadn’t showered, so we’re like; we don’t care if we get wet. But it was dumping.

Carra Roth: It was coming down like crazy.

Juli Bauer: It was crazy. So we’re there, and this guy is like; are you guys going to run? And he’s one of those guys who drags his feet when he walks, so you know you can’t trust him.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: And he’s wearing flip flops, and they’re like {click, click, click} It’s like, ok. Lift your feet off the ground. So he comes up to us, and he’s like; so are you guys going to do it? And we’re like, I don’t know. And he was like; I forget what he said. He said something, and we were like; yeah, we’re not from here. We’re just driving a rental car. And he’s like; I’m not from here either. And I was like; ok.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: And I was like, where are you from? And he was like, Michigan. I’m like, do you live here? He’s like yeah. Ok, so we’re saying we don’t live here. But at one point he was like; hold my coffee.

Carra Roth: What?

Juli Bauer: Yeah, he just asked me to hold his coffee. I’m like; ok. Held his coffee. And then he goes and buys an umbrella, and then he comes back out and he’s like; haha, suckers. And then he takes his coffee back. And he’s like; I could go to my car and then throw the umbrella out the window for one of you guys to go back and then the other one is kind of f*cked. I was like, who are you?

Carra Roth: That is so weird.

Juli Bauer: I was like; are you flirting? What’s happening?

Carra Roth: How old was he?

Juli Bauer: He had to have been late 30s, maybe 40s.

Carra Roth: Weird.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. I hate guys who don’t pick up their feet when they walk. It’s so unattractive.

Carra Roth: {laughs} So, great people in Myrtle Beach.

Juli Bauer: {laughs} So, no. We did meet; well. We’ll get there. So we drive in this, but whatever. So that night, we went to this restaurant that I’m obsessed with. It was called …

Carra Roth: Drumroll!

Juli Bauer: I don’t remember, actually. Dammit. All my photos just say Myrtle Beach. I forget what this restaurant was called. But I’ll talk about it on the blog, ok. So stop it! We go to this restaurant that is this little area called Heidi’s corner. Heidi owns these two restaurants. One is called Croissants, and the other is called something else. {laughs}

So, they’re attached by bathrooms. The bathrooms are shared by these two spaces. But she had opened Croissants, and I think she has a few locations. And then she wanted to do something else that could go into evening, so I think that’s why she started her other restaurant. Which is a seafood restaurant. She has a ton of gluten free, because she’s gluten free. Which is funny because she’s a baker. But she had a bunch of gluten free; like gluten free crab cakes that were the best. I just f*cking love crab cakes. Do you like crab?

Carra Roth: Just super fresh.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, so fresh.

Carra Roth: I don’t know the last time I tried a crab cake, but I’m down to try it.

Juli Bauer: OK. Carra is not a huge seafood person, but we continue to try.

Carra Roth: We do.

Juli Bauer: We keep trying. So we had dinner there. I had a tuna steak; and look at that crab cake on top of the tuna steak.

Carra Roth: Yum!

Juli Bauer: You can get a crab cake topper. So down. And then she had baked mussels that were really good. And then a cake that was flourless chocolate cake

Carra Roth: Oh my gosh, that looks so good.

Juli Bauer: Cheesecake, and mousse.

Carra Roth: Damn. That looks so good.

Juli Bauer: So good. And Laura and I were both; whenever we had desserts in Myrtle Beach we were like; eh, it’s so rich and dense we won’t eat it all. And then we had to;

Carra Roth: You did.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, I like licked the plate. There was no way I was not going to eat all of that. So, by the way, look at the sunrises; how pretty is that?

Carra Roth: So pretty.

Juli Bauer: We had really good views from our room. So the next day, we go to Croissants, right next door, to get a little coffee beforehand. And they have amazing coffee. You can get the pour over coffee. And I’m not a huge coffee snob, because I don’t give a f*ck I just want a buzz, and to go to the bathroom. This coffee was so smooth, not bitter at all. It was so good.

Carra Roth: Did you put cream in it?

Juli Bauer: Duh.

Carra Roth: Ok.

Juli Bauer: I don’t hate my life.

Carra Roth: I thought you were just like drinking it black.

Juli Bauer: No! I like to have fun in life. I’m not a black coffee drinker, like my mom.

Carra Roth: You said it wasn’t bitter, so I didn’t know.

Juli Bauer: Well I tasted it before because it was kind of full. But no, I like life. So, I like to put sugar and cream in mine. So afterwards, we go kayaking!

Carra Roth: Fun!

Juli Bauer: You’d think, right?

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: No. I don’t really like kayaking.

Carra Roth: Because it’s outdoorsy, or because it’s fun?

Juli Bauer: Well because it’s like you only get to use your arms. And this ass…

Carra Roth: You want bigger shoulders!

Juli Bauer: No, but my ass needs more work than my arms here. So when I’m just sitting flat on my ass.

Carra Roth: You feel lazy?

Juli Bauer: Kind of, yeah. So we were in this place called Murrells Inlet. And it’s still as can be. There’s no…

Carra Roth: Breeze? Wind? Wave? Current?

Juli Bauer: Yeah, there’s nothing. It was so f*cking hot. Nothing. So smooth. So I go out, and I think we’re only going to get moving.

Carra Roth: How hot was it when you were there?

Juli Bauer: It was probably 85, but it’s humid.

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: So that sun is just beating down on you. So we get in the water, and then we just float. The tour guide is silent, and we’re just floating. I’m like…

Carra Roth: Are we allowed to talk?

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Like, are we paddling? Do we have a destination we’re going to? We’re just kind of floating. And then he just starts talking about birds. More power to you, if birds are your thing.

Carra Roth: Could you even see birds?

Juli Bauer: Yeah. But, not like up close. There are birds in trees. And I just don’t really care about birds. More power to people who like birds. But it’s just not my thing.

Carra Roth: Right. Just not a big bird guy.

Juli Bauer: No. Workouts are my thing. {laughs} So, we’re just floating it. So I would make the game of paddling really fast and then waiting until everybody caught up. And then paddle. And then wait. When we’re on this kayak tour, a woman is like; oh, where are you from. I’m like, Colorado. And she’s like; oh, are you guys a blue state? I was like…

Carra Roth: She’s going politics, huh.

Juli Bauer: Straight in.

Carra Roth: Straight in.

Juli Bauer: Straight into politics. And I was like; I don’t know. Kind of being passive aggressive, because I don’t know.

Carra Roth: You don’t want to have that conversation.

Juli Bauer: No. Don’t do that. I’m not doing this here. And she goes; oh, you’re probably too young anyway. I was like; ok, how old do you think I am? So later on, Laura was saying something to her, and she goes; oh, you guys are 30? And she’s like, you don’t even know if you’re state is a blue state? And I was like, I just don’t really like talking about politics when I’m on vacation. So… and then I just kept paddling.

Carra Roth: Yeah, weird.

Juli Bauer: Isn’t that weird?

Carra Roth: So weird.

Juli Bauer: That’s the first thing you say to someone.

Carra Roth: Yeah. How old was she?

Juli Bauer: Hmm. Mom age.

Carra Roth: Huh. What a weird thing.

Juli Bauer: So weird. I just hate politics so much. And what I said; I was like, does it matter. It’s sh*tty any way, so. Hmm.

Carra Roth: Yeah. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: And then I was paddling away. And she was like, yeah, that’s true.

Carra Roth: Excuse me, I have to go work my arms.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. I have some shoulder stuff to do. So, that put me in a bad mood. Because I’m like; who!

Carra Roth: You’re only getting an upper body workout. Who wants to talk about birds or politics?

Juli Bauer: Let’s talk about Trump. Do you want to talk about immigration right now? That’s a great topic.

Carra Roth: Yeah, let’s get down to it.

Juli Bauer: People are just happy right now.

Carra Roth: Mm-hmm.

Juli Bauer: Anyway. So, we didn’t really do much. We just kind of floated. It was a lot of floating. There were some bugs. I got bit by some things. And then our tour guide, he was very; I don’t know what the word was for it. He told us at first; isn’t this water so clear? He was like; it’s like the Caribbean Sea, but it’s not blue. And I looked down, and I’m like; I can see half a foot.

Carra Roth: And we just literally got back from the Caribbean.

Juli Bauer: Just got back. Where you could see your feet in the sand in the water when you’re deep in the water. So he’s saying how it’s the Caribbean Sea and it’s so clear. It’s not; 0% clear.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: But then these jet ski people come back here, and he’s like; they should not be back here because the area is for clams. They have these clam shell mounds that clams hook onto. So there are mounds of clams everywhere. So it’s good to go in a kayak where you’re high in the water. And he was like; they should not be back here. This water is really murky. You can’t see anything. They could easily run into a clam shell mound.

Carra Roth: Right after he told you how clear the water was.

Juli Bauer: Yes! I was like; what? So that was very strange. It was all just quite strange. But beautiful. Loved that area.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: And then we drove just down the street to this area where there’s a bunch of restaurants and beautiful houses. All these houses were like pink, then green. All pastel colors. And really tall and stunning. So we drive back, and we go to this restaurant called Wicked Tuna. Not a huge fan of the name.

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Or Mr. Tuna. We have Mr. Tuna here in Colorado.

Carra Roth: Here in Denver, yeah.

Juli Bauer: So Tuna in general, when you’re talking about seafood, makes you think about vaginas. So then you walk in to smell, and it’s like; there’s so much vagina. Except mine smells like flowers. So whatever.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: So then I was a little worried, because it was a little bit over the top. Like SpongeBob SquarePants style.

Carra Roth: What does that mean?

Juli Bauer: {laughs} Like…

Carra Roth: The fish, or the setting?

Juli Bauer: The setting. On the outside they had this giant tuna.

Carra Roth: Like gimmicky kind of?

Juli Bauer: Yeah, gimmicky. That’s a good word for it. But we walk in, and the chef and maybe the manager or one of the other chefs comes out. And they’re like; hey, we want to show you where our fish comes from. Because they have fishermen that drive up to the restaurant; literally right up to the dock. And they have a fish house in the bottom of the restaurant. So the fishermen hand off the fish. They cut them up, prep them, process them. Whatever they need to do. Prep them. And they walk it upstairs to the kitchen.

Carra Roth: Wow, that’s awesome.

Juli Bauer: So it’s like the freshest fish.

Carra Roth: It’s so fresh.

Juli Bauer: Because they just went fishing that day, too. It’s not like the fishermen who have been out for weeks.

Carra Roth: So do they always know what; how do they know what they’re going to catch?

Juli Bauer: I think they have their normal that are in the area; the normal fish in the area. And then sometimes they’ll have something that was kind of special that day. That day they had hogfish.

Carra Roth: That thing was huge!

Juli Bauer: Huge! So the hog fish, if you guys have never seen hogfish, just Google it. Because their jaw opens up to triple the size of them, and they eat lobster. So they gulp down these motherf*cking lobster.

Carra Roth: What?

Juli Bauer: So they taste like lobster. They have a sweet taste to them.

Carra Roth: {laughs} They’re just infused with lobster.

Juli Bauer: Yes. So, we got to see the fish come out. We got to see the prepping room. And then we walked upstairs; they were like, here’s your fish. We’re going to cook this. And they went and cooked this fish, and topped it with lobster and crab. And it was the best fish I’ve ever had.

Carra Roth: I bet.

Juli Bauer: Oh my god, it was so good. Laura didn’t finish her last bite, and I almost ate it off her plate.

Carra Roth: {laughs} But you didn’t?

Juli Bauer: No, just because we were with someone from Visit Myrtle Beach. And you know.

Carra Roth: Oh, you were trying to be classy? {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Yeah. It’s like, don’t eat off people’s plates.

Carra Roth: Had you had hogfish before that?

Juli Bauer: No, I’d never even heard of it.

Carra Roth: Me either.

Juli Bauer: I would definitely not eat that here.

Carra Roth: Do you hear that deep snore?

Juli Bauer: Yeah. He’s a happy panda. Aww, he’s so good. So we went to that restaurant and it was awesome. Loved it. I want to go back. If you’re ever in Myrtle Beach, it’s like 40 minutes outside of north Myrtle Beach, in Murrells Inlet. Cutest place. Don’t judge the outside of it.

So then we went to these gardens. They’re called Brookgreen Gardens.

Carra Roth: is this where you guys saw the sculptures?

Juli Bauer: Yes. So back, I don’t know if it was the 1800s. It might have been 1920s maybe. This woman was a sculptress. She was an artist. And then this guy she met was; I don’t know, came from money or something. So they ended up moving to Myrtle Beach, and they owned a huge piece of land. A gigantic piece of land. And they had created all these jobs for different people. The two of them never had kids. So when they passed away, they gifted a lot of things to the people who worked for them. And then I think they gave their land to the city.

So they have taken these gardens that are huge. It has a zoo attached to it. There are little ponds and lake type things all around it. And then they took all her sculptures. Oh my gosh, I hope you guys can hear Jackson snores.

Carra Roth: He’s tired pup.

Juli Bauer: He’s so sleepy. It’s a hard couple of nights. So they put her sculptures throughout, and then a lot of other artists came in and shared their sculptures. So there’s sculptures and art all throughout these gardens. They’re incredibly well kept. And the welcome center is run by super old people. This woman telling us where to go, I was like; this is literally going to take 45 minutes. And I don’t even want to be here for 45 minutes. Because we had gone kayaking that morning, then went straight to lunch. And we were soaked in sweat. Because we had a life jacket on too. So you’re soaked. I smell super bad. And then we had to go walk through these gardens.

Carra Roth: Oh, I bet you smelled the worst.

Juli Bauer: The worst! I smell so bad. My armpits are so potent.

Carra Roth: What did you do with that coverup from Aruba? Did you burn it?

Juli Bauer: Oh yeah! I forgot that coverup. I had a coverup in Aruba that smelled like horror. But I washed it. You just wash it, Carra.

Carra Roth: She made me smell it and I legit almost threw up. Like, not like; I gagged. I thought I was going to throw up. It was the worst smelling. I didn’t know a human could smell like that from your armpits.

Juli Bauer: I know. Welcome to my life.

Carra Roth: We should have burned it. I don’t think that just comes out with a simple wash.

Juli Bauer: I think it did.

Carra Roth: {laughs} Ok.

Juli Bauer: It was bad though. So imagine that. And then I had to go to these gardens that are, a lot of it is out in the sun. There are huge billowing trees and stuff, that are like willow type trees.

Carra Roth: Yeah, I remember stories from that. So pretty.

Juli Bauer: It’s stunning there. And all the sculptures were so cool. It’s like; how do people do that? How are people artists like that? It’s just stunning.

So we walked through there for 30 minutes, and we’re like; we can’t do this anymore. It’s so hot. But if you guys are ever there, it’s so cool. And we got a ticket, and she’s like; your ticket is good for 6 days! {laughs} I was like, holy sh*t. So it’s like a great place to bring your family, because you can look at that. You can go to the zoo. There are a ton of different things.

Carra Roth: {laughs} Six days.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, six motherf*cking days.

Carra Roth: That’s very different than Denver.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, it’s like, you get one hour. Get out.

Carra Roth: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: So, it’s a great place. But it was all old people. But it’s a great place you could take your kids. You can take a picnic and stuff like that. But we only experienced a little bit of it because we were drenched in sweat and exhausted.

So then; oh my gosh. We ate at this restaurant that had; it was, I think Italian type restaurant. They had mushroom risotto with scallops on top. And then they fried spinach, so it’s like crispy spinach on top of it. It was so f*cking good. And I had a skinny margarita.

Carra Roth: It doesn’t sound good to me.

Juli Bauer: It doesn’t? You don’t like risotto?

Carra Roth: I don’t like mussels. So that doesn’t…

Juli Bauer: Have you had scallops?

Carra Roth: Or scallops. Whatever you said.

Juli Bauer: {laughs} Oh. I was like; so…

Carra Roth: I thought you said mussels. Scallops.

Juli Bauer: No, scallops. You don’t like scallops?

Carra Roth: What are scallops?

Juli Bauer: They’re like those round little…

Carra Roth: Yeah, no. I don’t think I can get behind those.

Juli Bauer: Dammit. I don’t want to record with you anymore.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Scallops are the best, and they cook in like 3 minutes, which is why I like to buy them so much.

Carra Roth: But aren’t they super fishy tasting.

Juli Bauer: No.

Carra Roth: Ok. I’ll try them.

Juli Bauer: Ok. Anyway. Ugh.

Carra Roth: This is all the podcast about all seafood, I’m like; yeah, that sounds great. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: I know. You’re really trying. You’re really trying. Do you like risotto?

Carra Roth: Yeah, I like risotto. I can get down with that.

Juli Bauer: OK, so just dream about risotto.

Carra Roth: Ok.

Juli Bauer: Mushroom risotto, so good. Do you like mushrooms? Probably not, huh?

Carra Roth: Nope.

Juli Bauer: Oh my god.

Carra Roth: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: You are the worst. This is when people email me and they’re like; my husband hates all food I make. What do I do? You’re that person.

Carra Roth: Break up with them.

Juli Bauer: Maybe you should; yeah. Dump them. Just like I’m about to dump Carra.

Carra Roth: Well don’t have me on your seafood podcast.

Juli Bauer: Whatever Carra. So we also had a flourless chocolate cake there; because duh. And it was like batter. It was so good. It was so good. I’m 10 pounds heavier than my normal life right now. Which, so worth it.

Carra Roth: But that’s good that you guys had the freshest seafood and good desserts.

Juli Bauer: It’s funny because she’s not a huge seafood person either. So she was like; ugh! When we were looking at the fish.

Carra Roth: Laura?

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Laura’s like; that’s grossing me out. When she was seeing the fish before it gets killed.

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Well, it’s dead. But before it’s cut open.

Carra Roth: Served?

Juli Bauer: Yeah. She was creeped out by that. Me not so much.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: So, what else did we do? I think that’s all we did. The next morning we had breakfast at Croissants again. Amazing sausage.

Carra Roth: Ok, so do we like Myrtle Beach or do we not? I’m confused.

Juli Bauer: So it’s not like Aruba where I’m like; ok, I’m booking another flight without telling my husband again and booking his.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Next year, because I can’t wait to go back. But it was really; we had amazing food while we were there. This seafood was fantastic. And some of the restaurants we went to. And I’m sure there are some cool places that are like an hour drive. An hour is; I mean, like I said I sat in traffic for two f*cking hours. So the Murrells Inlet was a really cute area. So there are these areas that I didn’t get to experience that were around Myrtle Beach. But downtown Myrtle Beach; no. I don’t want to ever go back there.

Carra Roth: {laughs} Where was you guys’ hotel?

Juli Bauer: It was North Myrtle Beach. So it was probably a 15-minute drive from the downtown strip.

Carra Roth: Ok, gotcha.

Juli Bauer: So. It was a little north. North Myrtle Beach. But I think it’s a great vacation spot that’s affordable. This woman, while we were kayaking, she was talking about some restaurant. She was like; but it’s pretty expensive. And I looked at the menu, and it was like $8 for this breakfast. And I was like; what? In Denver, it’s like $21 for breakfast. It’s expensive in Denver, and we’re just used to that, I think. And so I think it’s a pretty affordable place compared to a lot of other places. Like, if you were going to the mountains or something, skiing in the winter. This is way more affordable.

And you can wear your kids out. They play on the beach all day. Maybe you go see a movie or something like that. Or go putt-putt golf and they’re entertained. But I feel like it’s a great place to take your family.

Carra Roth: Ok. Well, don’t have one of those so.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. And people kept messaging me. They’re like; you should be going to Savannah. Look up Savannah; four-hour drive. You should go to Charlotte. Four-hour drive. You should go to Charleston. Four-hour drive. I was like…

Carra Roth: I’m in Myrtle Beach.

Juli Bauer: Yeah! I’m here in Myrtle Beach.

Carra Roth: Give me some closer recommendations.

Juli Bauer: Yes! It’s like; when you’re traveling, if I told you, you should go to Idaho. Why? You’re in Denver. Why would I go to Idaho if I’m in Denver? So these people are just trying to help out. But I’m like; four-hour drive. And then I see one thing and drive four hours back. 8 hours out of my day? What? I don’t think people thought that over. Maybe I’m just a b*tch.

Carra Roth: Thanks for the suggestions.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, thanks. Please stop telling me about your dog dying because that breaks my heart. Anyway, Carra. Before we let people go. You haven’t really been able to talk at all.

Carra Roth: {laughs} I wasn’t on the trip. So I’m just…

Juli Bauer: Just enjoying.

Carra Roth: Just enjoying hearing all about it, finally.

Juli Bauer: Let’s talk about Arianna Grande.

Carra Roth: Oh my gosh.

Juli Bauer: And Pete Davidson. Didn’t know his name until Arianna Grande came around.

Carra Roth: Yeah, right? No one did.

Juli Bauer: He has some big veneers. Have you noticed his teeth? They’re huge.

Carra Roth: Are they fake?

Juli Bauer: I mean, that’s not real teeth.

Carra Roth: I mean, he’s got a giant mouth.

Juli Bauer: Giant.

Carra Roth: He has got a hogfish mouth.

Juli Bauer: He eats her face. Do you think maybe that’s why Arianne Grande said yes if you know what I’m saying?

Carra Roth: If you know what I mean. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: If you know what I’m saying. So, if you guys haven’t heard the news, nor care, Arianna Grande; she is engaged, after 3 weeks. She’s engaged to Pete Davidson, who is an SNL guy.

Carra Roth: And he’s only 24. For some reason…

Juli Bauer: Are you serious?

Carra Roth: Yeah. I thought he was older.

Juli Bauer: He looks at least 40.

Carra Roth: {laughs} But it’s only been 3 weeks. I thought they were behind the scenes dating for longer.

Juli Bauer: Well, on the Today show they said 3 weeks. And they went into; can relationships last?

Carra Roth: When you know, you know.

Juli Bauer: When you know, you know.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: I don’t think it’s going to last.

Carra Roth: Can you imagine if I married my ex after 3 weeks?

Juli Bauer: No. F*ck that guy. Still can’t wait to see him by himself. Or with a female on the street.

Carra Roth: Oh that would have been so terrible. But hey, maybe it will work out for them.

Juli Bauer: Arianna Grande?

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Ok, can I tell you something personal?

Carra Roth: Please.

Juli Bauer: Arianne Grande looks like she’s 13 still.

Carra Roth: Yeah, but she’s beautiful.

Juli Bauer: She’s so beautiful. A beautiful 13-year-old.

Carra Roth: Yeah. That 13-year-old skin. {laughs}

Juli Bauer: So is Pete Davidson a pedophile? {laughs}

Carra Roth: {laughs} I mean, by law, no.

Juli Bauer: By law, no. But deep inside?

Carra Roth: Maybe.

Juli Bauer: Should she be scared? Probably.

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: I’m going to start asking; who are other people we know that look really young?

Carra Roth: Personally?

Juli Bauer: Yeah. I don’t feel like I know anybody who looks really young anymore.

Carra Roth: Yeah, I don’t either. Not where you’re like; oh, you look like a child.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Arianna Grande looks like a child. How old is she?

Carra Roth: I think they’re both 24.

Juli Bauer: What?! Oh my god, could you imagine if you got engaged when you were 24?

Carra Roth: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: 24. I mean, I think I got engaged when I was 27. So it’s not that far.

Carra Roth: That’s a big growing period. Maturing period.

Juli Bauer: OH my god. That’s crazy. Yeah. I think Brian started dating me when I was 24. {laughs}

Carra Roth: That’s such a long way.

Juli Bauer: It’s such a long way. I’ve aged at least 40 years. Not 13 anymore over here.

Carra Roth: {laughs} Do you want to talk about Pete’s handshake.

Juli Bauer: Ugh! If you guys didn’t see this on my Instagram story. Pete Davidson was on Jimmy Fallon where he pretty much announced that he’s engaged to Arianna Grande. So Jimmy Fallon reaches over to give him a handshake, and Pete Davidson does the handshake that…

Carra Roth: Just the fingertips.

Juli Bauer: Just the tips.

Carra Roth: Like a dainty little princess.

Juli Bauer: Yes!

Carra Roth: Oh my god, it was so gross.

Juli Bauer: And when people shake hands like that, I cannot stand them.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Immediately, I don’t want to be their friend anymore. I don’t respect them anymore. So I watch this handshake go down, and I’m like; ok, you’re literally a pedophile!

Carra Roth: {laughing} Didn’t you say that he doesn’t deserve to have hands.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. He doesn’t deserve to have hands. It’s a rational statement.

Carra Roth: No, you don’t. I tried to Google it to see if it was a thing. Maybe he does it; it was a weird interaction, he didn’t go in all the way.

Juli Bauer: There were no articles about his handshake? {laughs}

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Weird.

Carra Roth: Turns out Pete Davidson’s handshakes isn’t highly Googled.

Juli Bauer: Well, people messaged me back and was like; I saw that. That was disgusting. So other people are offended by it.

Carra Roth: What was it? It was like he wanted Jimmy Fallon to kiss his hand, almost. Like, he went in like that. It was so weird.

Juli Bauer: He was acting like Beyoncé.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: Somebody was talking about Beyoncé and her new song, like with Jay-Z that just came out. Haven’t listened to it. Have you listened to it?

Carra Roth: Nuh-huh.

Juli Bauer: I kind of stopped liking Beyoncé. I loved Beyoncé when she was with her Diva, or Put a Ring on it days.

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: Love that Beyoncé. When she went to Lemonade Beyoncé.

Carra Roth: Yeah, that’s.

Juli Bauer: I just couldn’t get behind it.

Carra Roth: I’m with you.

Juli Bauer: She’s still a queen. But, have you ever seen…?

Carra Roth: And the clothing line. I can’t.

Juli Bauer: No. Her fitness apparel line.

Carra Roth: What’s it called? We saw it at Nordstrom.

Juli Bauer: I don’t know. But it’s on sale all the time.

Carra Roth: {laughs} Yeah.

Juli Bauer: So it’s not doing great. It’s just things that no real human could wear.

Carra Roth: It was like a half hat. Do you remember that?

Juli Bauer: Yes. It was like a visor, but…

Carra Roth: A half hat. It was so bizarre.

Juli Bauer: So weird. Have you ever seen the scene where Beyoncé is on; what’s her face? Oprah. And everybody is freaking out because Beyoncé is on. And she’s like; you’re Beyoncé. And Beyoncé goes; thank you.

Carra Roth: {laughing}

Juli Bauer: That’s what she said!

Carra Roth: Thank you.

Juli Bauer: She’s so far from reality.

Carra Roth: Oh yeah, she’s so far removed. To be that out of touch.

Juli Bauer: To be that rich. Out of touch. She’s in space. Whenever I watch Californication, I’m like; is this what Hollywood is really like? Is that what Beyoncé’s house is like; Californication?

Carra Roth: I don’t know. I don’t get the reference.

Juli Bauer: {laughing} Just like sex and drugs and weird sh*t going down all the time.

Carra Roth: Probably. All the time.

Juli Bauer: All the time.

Carra Roth: On Jay-Z’s end, for sure.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, he’s sleeping with everyone.

Carra Roth: {laughs}

Juli Bauer: We’re jumping to a lot of conclusions in this; a lot of assumptions in this podcast today.

Carra Roth: Probably all facts.

Juli Bauer: So tonight Carra and I are going to a concert.

Carra Roth: We’re going to Matt Kearney.

Juli Bauer: Matt Kearney.

Carra Roth: We were talking about him the other day. Or a couple of podcasts again.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. And I hate going to concerts, but I’m doing it for Carra. What time does it start?

Carra Roth: Like 5.

Juli Bauer: OH sweet! It does?

Carra Roth: Yeah.

Juli Bauer: OH, I’m down with that! Love that guy and his concert.

Carra Roth: You’ll be home by like 9:30.

Juli Bauer: Yes! Maybe earlier? I have to pee really bad right now.

Carra Roth: I do too.

Juli Bauer: So we’re going to a concert tonight. Do you have anything else planned this weekend?

Carra Roth: Well, you’re making me go to a barbecue.

Juli Bauer: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. When is that?

Carra Roth: Tomorrow afternoon.

Juli Bauer: Oh sh*t. {laughs} I forgot.

Carra Roth: I was kind of hoping that you would back out of it.

Juli Bauer: We can back out.

Carra Roth: But if you go, I’m totally down to support you. But if you back out I won’t be sad.

Juli Bauer: I thought Brian gave us the ok that we didn’t have to go to his friend’s barbecue.

Carra Roth: I think he gave us the OK to drive separately.

Juli Bauer: OH, ok.

Carra Roth: So you and I could leave when we wanted to. {laughs} But I don’t think we got the full go ahead to …

Juli Bauer: Yeah. He’s like; you’re my wife. You should do stuff with me. And I’m like; motherf*cker, I’ve gone on 20 trips without you this year. So, be my husband. Quit your job so you can travel with me. Selfish.

Carra Roth: {laughs} Selfish. That’s really it. What about you?

Juli Bauer: Well we have to do photos on Sunday, cool?

Carra Roth: Oh yeah. I guess I have to put a room together, too. An office together.

Juli Bauer: Yeah. Finish my office!

Carra Roth: So I’m working on Sunday.

Juli Bauer: Yeah, so working, working, working.

Carra Roth: That’s about it.

Juli Bauer: I go to Leavenworth, Washington next week.

Carra Roth: Ooh.

Juli Bauer: So I’ll need you to quit your job and watch Jackson. {laughs} Ok, let’s end this shiz. Shiznat. I love you.

Carra Roth: Love you!

Juli Bauer: Thanks for listening today guys. Hopefully Carra can continue to be on. Fingers crossed.

Carra Roth: Yeah! It’s been so fun.

Juli Bauer: And I’ll talk to you guys later. Bye!

Carra Roth: Bye!

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Oh, Hi! I’m Juli.

I’m a food hoarder. And a really bad dancer. If you don’t know me well, you will probably not understand my humor. Therefore, I apologize ahead of time. Thanks for listening to my ramblings of my ever-changing life and trusting my kitchen mishaps. Your trust in me is appreciated.


13 thoughts on “Myrtle the Turtle – Episode 90: PaleOMG Uncensored Podcast”

  1. I really appreciate your honest review of Myrtle Beach and the various places you visited there. Sometimes one has to wonder at how authentic bloggers’ reviews are (ie. are they just saying nice things because they were sponsored), but I really believe you and it makes your positive reviews that much more credible. You’re the best, Juli!!

    Also – congrats on the new job, Carra, and best wishes to Jackson for a speedy recovery!

    1. i’ve definitely built my business off of being honest and never lying to anyone who reads my blog and i wasn’t going to change that here. we had AMAZING meals there for sure and i loved being by the water, but i had to share the whole experience too!

  2. I hope Carra can come back on the podcast sometimes, I’ve been loving the episodes she’s been on!! Also how cool that you get to go to New Zealand later this year! I can’t wait to read all about it on your blog!

  3. I haven’t listened to this whole podcast but to comment. We had to put our dog on hypo allergenic dog food 2 years ago after repeated ear infections. I hope it helps Jackson as much as it helped out dog. Oh.. and that young living kid is gonna be virgin forever if he keeps giving fashion advice. I mean really?? Zip it buddy.

  4. Devastated that Kara (maybe Cara?) won’t be on as much. You guys kill it together. Seriously laughed out loud multiple times this episode.

    (I think wicked tuna is based off the show “wicked tuna” which is on Nat geo channel)

  5. Juli!!

    Currently listening to your podcast and heard about your New Zealand trip!!! Started FREAKING because I’ll be there in November also!!!! I’m getting married in October and we’re doing our honeymoon in NZ from 11/9-11/25!!!

    When will you be there!? Where is the wedding!?

  6. Congrats on the job Carra!!!!! We will miss youuu!! Also, Juli, next time that 22 year old hack tries to school you on fashion tell him to suck a d*ck. Also also, what in your hips is bother you? I have pain in my left hip adducter and piriformis and then it makes my lower back all jacked (tight glutes don’t help with that either). BUT if that’s what you’re dealing with, then I’m stealing some ideas from ya.

    1. lol i’m DEFINITELY telling him that next time! now i can’t wait to see him again lol! and i can’t say what exactly is going on with my hip, it’s a lot of different things honestly. but it’s also causing lower back pain and inflammation for me now

  7. I was so excited to hear that you were going to Myrtle Beach!I’ve vacationed there a few times (both with and without children) and also stayed in North Myrtle. Your review made me LOL! SO accurate! We also avoid the main strip like the plague! Lots of people from WV vacation there and we lovingly refer to it as the “Redneck Riviera.”

    Can’t wait to try out the restaurants you recommended on my next trip down!

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