Valentine’s Day Seared Scallops Dinner for Two

I cannot even handle how great Monday nights episode of The Bachelor was. I kind of want to watch it again. And I just might. Thank the lawd the producers threw in some wrenches because things were feeling quite boring and slow week after week. Probably because Nick is the Bachelor. Ugh. The episode started off with Taylor throwing herself under the bus a second time by coming back from the swamps where she was left behind to talk to Nick and expose Corinne. But Nick is smart and he knows he should’t be with someone as boring as him. So he booted her, again. Pretty lame start. So you know what producers did? They decided that the rose ceremony would include NO cocktail hour and the women are obviously pissed. No 8 hour night of drinking and sitting in some sort of cold barn? DAMN YOU, ABC! They should honestly be thanking the producers for giving them a night off from uncomfortable dresses and high heels.

Let’s just talk about one thing here: What is Danielle L’s obsession with plunging necklines. Every single outfit of hers needs boob tape and nipple petals. And believe me, I get it, we should dress to show off our best attributes. But Danielle is beautiful and not just beautiful on the skin between her boobs. Her dress was awesome, but it was the 47th plunging dress she owns. We get it, you exfoliate daily.

Nick gets rid of 3 ladies, who all seem like upstanding citizens. Getting rid of Alexis (shark girl) was the worst decision of his life. I wish producers would have forced him to keep her for a while longer and then she could end up being The Bachelorette. We need a funny one to match up to Kaitlyn. I can’t handle someone as boring as Nick in female form, aka Danielle M. She seems like a kind human but she talks like she’s high on vicodin and xanax. Maybe that’s how she keeps herself entertained during this sh*t show. She’s a genius.

Ok, back to the point. After Nick rids himself of 3 females, they finally go somewhere worth traveling to: St Thomas. Totes jelly. So Nick decides to start his trip off with Kristina, the tiny doll human with a Russian accent. I honestly don’t remember anything that they did on the date, truly. But what I do remember is when she became the ultimate front runner, telling her story about becoming an orphan in Russian and being adopted by a family in America at age 12. F*cking badass story that had Nick, me and my dog all crying. She’s adorbs and I want to pick her up and put her in my pocket. Who doesn’t want her to win it now? Or at least become the next Bachelorette. I mean, COME ON!

Then…the group date. What a hot, sticky, drunken mess. Remind me that if a guy I’m dating (aka my husband) ever asks me to play sports with other women, while intoxicated, in a bikini…to shoot him. No one looks hot playing volleyball in bikinis unless you are in the olympics. Just plain fact. Especially when your makeup is smearing and bikinis are slipping. Not good. Corinne gets wasted and it’s the best. I like her. But after enough volleyball to make any person despise all ball sports completely, they all split off and all begin to cry to themselves. I find it extremely unrealistic that absolutely no one is hanging out with each other while they weep on the beach. Drunk sad b*tches flock together. Aka my college years.

By the end of the night the warm weather, volleyball and shots of tequila brings out frizzy hair and true colors. Jasmine, the dancer of some sports team that I don’t care about, begins to go down the rabbit hole of psychosis. Too bad Taylor was already gone because she probably could have pulled out some mental health. Or at least smacked her. But instead, Jasmine cried her face off until she exploded. And her explosion landed in the form of her saying she would choke Nick…to Nick. She probably said choke 60 times to him. Choke you. The chokey. Want me to choke you. No girls ever choked you? I can choke you later. This poor girl just couldn’t hold back the true psycho inside her. She really needs to take a kickboxing class. Or get laid. It’s safe to say that Nick wasn’t turned on and she got the boot. Raven had it right when she said, “If Jasmine was a vegetable, she would be a turnip, because she is turned all the way up.” Hell yeah, Raven, she is turned up and has been now turned down. I love Raven. RIP Jasmine.

Last but not least: the two on one date between Danielle L and Whitney. First of all, who the hell is Whitney? Did they just pull some Victoria Secret model on the show or something? I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen her. Whatever. They go on a 2-on-1 date and Nick quickly figures out that Whitney had accidentally walked into the wrong casting call, so he let her go by flying away in a helicopter. ABC’s signature move. Later on that night, Danielle L, who is still bursting out a few of her awkward laughs, decides to take things to the next level with Nick by professing her love for him. And how does he reciprocate? By looking like he’s constipated and sending her home, too. Savage.

The end of the episode is just the weirdest part. Nick comes into the hotel room with all the un-makeup’d ladies and begins to cry and say that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. And then leaves abruptly. It’s pretty much a smack to the face of all the women who quit their jobs to embarrass themselves on national TV while playing volleyball in bikinis. You don’t know why you’re here, Nick?! You’ve had 3 years and 3 slots of primetime television to think it over. GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER!

And that’s all she wrote. Hopefully your love story is going a little bit smoother than this one. If it isn’t, call up Jasmine, I’m sure she can help you sort through your relationship ups and downs. But until then, make these scallops for yourself, your honey, or the person you hope to choke. Bad joke, guys, bad joke.

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More Valentine’s Dinner Date Ideas:

Lemon Basil Seared Scallop Pasta

Crispy Skin Salmon with Béarnaise Sauce

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