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IT’S THAT TIME AGAINNNNNNN! Time to waste our lives away every Monday for 2 hours to celebrate fake love that is completely manipulated by producers. The wonderful world of the 21st century! Fingers are crossed worldwide that Rachel’s season is at least a hair more exciting than Nick’s. Nick’s season was disappointing, to say the least. So hopefully a room full of testosterone, side parts, and tall gelled hair will really spice things up. I had to google what exact haircut most of these men had and it seems to be called a high fade with a loose pompadour. Do men walk into salons and actually ask for that? I should ask my bro friends who are sporting that look. I must know.

Let’s first chat about Rachel. Everyone loves Rachel and she seems like a normal, level headed person. And I dig it. But she laughs at everything. Is that real heartfelt laughter? Or is it uncomfortable laughter? Or forced laughter? Right now, wherever you are, try to laugh at anything. Laugh at the stapler sitting on your desk. And not just a giggle, make it a thick heavy longterm laugh. That sh*ts hard. Because she does it the entire time. Props to her. That must be exhausting.

But seriously, Rachel said she doesn’t like chocolate and I lost all trust in her. She dug her own grave.

Ok, enough about Rachel because I’m sure she’s a gem in real life. Let’s talk about the men who put their lives on the line in hopes of finding some sort of fame, most likely to be destroyed by producers.

When I looked up the dudes online before the first episode went live, I thought every single one was unattractive. I’m pretty sure producers work extra hard to make everyone look their worst in their online photos. Producers are just the best, eh? Once they started coming out of the limo, I was pleasantly surprised! I need you to follow along with me here since there will be multiple names and I don’t know their weird personalities enough yet to give them offensive nicknames.

• Peter, the first one out of the limo, has my first impression rose. Not sure why, since I’m not a huge fan of spaces between the teeth, but he just does the job well. Dark features and light eyes will always be my favorite.
• Alex, the first pompadour to make an impression. I honestly don’t remember him, but his hair states that he is full of secrets. Some say the taller the hair, the closer to God. I say, the taller the hair, the less I trust the dude.
• Brady, a dude I also remember nothing about except that he looked like the human ken doll from Botched. Pompadour-infused, as well.
• Bryan, the Colombian that spoke spanish to Rachel then ate her face. He got the first impression rose, but I’m pretty sure he first got cheek injections first. I envy those cheekbones. And props to him for eating Rachel’s face. It really could have gone either way with that bold move but it obviously worked in his favor.
• Dean – I loved his tie. That is all.
• DeMario, well, he would be super cute if he didn’t talk so damn much.
• Diggy would also be cuter if he didn’t talk even more than DeMario.
• Jack Stone has two names and it makes me feel weird. He also tucks his chin and protrudes his forehead towards your line of sight, making him look somewhat like a demon. A demon with extremely white veneers.
• Jonathan, who tickled Rachel and sealed his fate on the show with producers, talks with his nose first. Not knocking big noses, he simply forces his nose first into the conversation.
• Kenny is adorable except he fake wrestles. I have a friend who does that and I went to a match once, and let me tell you one thing – I will absolutely never do that ever ever again. The crowd is much worse than the actual fake match.
• Lee, his pompadour is the tallest I’ve ever seen. You could climb it. And his hair is obviously full of secrets based on the preview of the season.
• Jamey mentions that he doesn’t know how he wouldn’t get a rose with the most sculpted, best looking face. He would be more attractive if he spelled his name differently. And wasn’t such an assh*le.
• Milton. Oh Milton, Milton, Milton. He had no chance. As soon as he left the womb and his mother named him Milton, he had no chance. He also had no chance when he purred at Rachel multiple times. Men out there – do NOT purr. You are not a cat and it is not sexy. Once Milton got the boot because he was so creepy, his drunk self (that obviously made it through the night ’til sunrise) balled his little eyes out and mentioned he was so bummed because he won’t get to wear the outfits he purchased for the show. Those producers must really wear you down. Poor guy. I’m sure he has a tough time explaining that one to his guy friends.
• Lucas, he sucks.

Holy.Crap. I can’t wait for this season. And then for Bachelor in Paradise to start up!

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