IT’S THAT TIME AGAINNNNNNN! Time to waste our lives away every Monday for 2 hours to celebrate fake love that is completely manipulated by producers. The wonderful world of the 21st century! Fingers are crossed worldwide that Rachel’s season is at least a hair more exciting than Nick’s. Nick’s season was disappointing, to say the least. So hopefully a room full of testosterone, side parts, and tall gelled hair will really spice things up. I had to google what exact haircut most of these men had and it seems to be called a high fade with a loose pompadour. Do men walk into salons and actually ask for that? I should ask my bro friends who are sporting that look. I must know.
Let’s first chat about Rachel. Everyone loves Rachel and she seems like a normal, level headed person. And I dig it. But she laughs at everything. Is that real heartfelt laughter? Or is it uncomfortable laughter? Or forced laughter? Right now, wherever you are, try to laugh at anything. Laugh at the stapler sitting on your desk. And not just a giggle, make it a thick heavy longterm laugh. That sh*ts hard. Because she does it the entire time. Props to her. That must be exhausting.
But seriously, Rachel said she doesn’t like chocolate and I lost all trust in her. She dug her own grave.
Ok, enough about Rachel because I’m sure she’s a gem in real life. Let’s talk about the men who put their lives on the line in hopes of finding some sort of fame, most likely to be destroyed by producers.
When I looked up the dudes online before the first episode went live, I thought every single one was unattractive. I’m pretty sure producers work extra hard to make everyone look their worst in their online photos. Producers are just the best, eh? Once they started coming out of the limo, I was pleasantly surprised! I need you to follow along with me here since there will be multiple names and I don’t know their weird personalities enough yet to give them offensive nicknames.
- Peter, the first one out of the limo, has my first impression rose. Not sure why, since I’m not a huge fan of spaces between the teeth, but he just does the job well. Dark features and light eyes will always be my favorite.
- Alex, the first pompadour to make an impression. I honestly don’t remember him, but his hair states that he is full of secrets. Some say the taller the hair, the closer to God. I say, the taller the hair, the less I trust the dude.
- Brady, a dude I also remember nothing about except that he looked like the human ken doll from Botched. Pompadour-infused, as well.
- Bryan, the Colombian that spoke spanish to Rachel then ate her face. He got the first impression rose, but I’m pretty sure he first got cheek injections first. I envy those cheekbones. And props to him for eating Rachel’s face. It really could have gone either way with that bold move but it obviously worked in his favor.
- Dean – I loved his tie. That is all.
- DeMario, well, he would be super cute if he didn’t talk so damn much.
- Diggy would also be cuter if he didn’t talk even more than DeMario.
- Jack Stone has two names and it makes me feel weird. He also tucks his chin and protrudes his forehead towards your line of sight, making him look somewhat like a demon. A demon with extremely white veneers.
- Jonathan, who tickled Rachel and sealed his fate on the show with producers, talks with his nose first. Not knocking big noses, he simply forces his nose first into the conversation.
- Kenny is adorable except he fake wrestles. I have a friend who does that and I went to a match once, and let me tell you one thing – I will absolutely never do that ever ever again. The crowd is much worse than the actual fake match.
- Lee, his pompadour is the tallest I’ve ever seen. You could climb it. And his hair is obviously full of secrets based on the preview of the season.
- Jamey mentions that he doesn’t know how he wouldn’t get a rose with the most sculpted, best looking face. He would be more attractive if he spelled his name differently. And wasn’t such an assh*le.
- Milton. Oh Milton, Milton, Milton. He had no chance. As soon as he left the womb and his mother named him Milton, he had no chance. He also had no chance when he purred at Rachel multiple times. Men out there – do NOT purr. You are not a cat and it is not sexy. Once Milton got the boot because he was so creepy, his drunk self (that obviously made it through the night ’til sunrise) balled his little eyes out and mentioned he was so bummed because he won’t get to wear the outfits he purchased for the show. Those producers must really wear you down. Poor guy. I’m sure he has a tough time explaining that one to his guy friends.
- Lucas, he sucks.
Holy.Crap. I can’t wait for this season. And then for Bachelor in Paradise to start up!
Vanilla Bean Sweet Cream Collagen Iced Coffee
Ingredients
For the sweet cream
- 1 (14 ounce can) full-fat coconut milk
- 2 tablespoons maple syrup
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- ½ vanilla bean, cut down the middle and seeds removed with the back of a knife
For the coffee
- 8–10 ounces cold brew coffee (per person)
- 1 scoop collagen peptides (per person)
Instructions
- Place all the ingredients for the sweet cream in a blender and blend until smooth. Add the sweet cream to a resealable container and in the fridge. It will last about 1 week in the fridge.
- To the same blender, add the cold brew coffee. With the lid on the blender, turn the blender on and slowly add the collagen peptides through the top of the lid. Then add 1-2 tablespoons of the sweet cream and blend until smooth and frothy.
- Add ice to a glass, pour in the sweet cream coffee on top and drink up!
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Hey there,
I love your emails and entertaining blogs and love love love your inventive recipes! I would NEVER unsubscribe. Just want to say too, that I am older that your parents, probably, but have a similar sense of humor than you do. And I teach classes with many ages and find it hilarious when someone in their late 70’s says some pithy thing that cracks me up, makes me hopeful for the coming years ahead. We may age in years but not in who we really are!
xoxox
well you are the best, donna!! xoxoxo
Okay Julie. I have been listening to your podcast since the start. You always talk about The Bachelor and Bachelorette, something I used to judge others for liking. I started watching this today because of you and I have to say I am hooked. I cannot wait to see what happens this season!! The bloodshed, the girlfriend, the pompadours!!! Thanks for completing my Monday nights.
yaaasssssss
Thank you for this recipe! I saw it, immediately got up and made it. So good and refreshing!! Nice little pick me up/treat!
so glad you liked it, abby!
I’ve been day dreaming about making this since the day you posted it in your Instagram Stories! Finally made it this morning and it is deeeelish!
Yum, what a tasty little treat! I added a little more maple syrup to my glass, used all vanilla bean powder in the sweet cream and used coffee ice cubes. I froze the leftover sweet cream in 1 tbsp cubes, so it keeps longer. Can’t wait to make it again, maybe with a little cacao powder to make it a mocha.
Stupid question 🙁 Do you put the liquid and solid from the coconut milk can or just the liquid?
liquid and solid
I don’t like coffee…..what else could I use?
tea
Hi Juli – I just made this, and while the cream tasted super delicious, it wouldn’t come together completely. No matter how long I blended it, It kept separating and leaving a thick layer of kind of chunky coconut cream on top. I added it to my cold brew, and blended again, and same issue – thick layer of kind of chunky coconut cream on top 🙁 I can see how this would blend beautifully into hot coffee, but it won’t seem to work cold.
Any suggestions? I used the whole can of coconut milk, cream and liquid. Did I do something wrong? Thanks! 🙂
I’d appreciate some advice too. The first time I tried it was with hot coffee that I iced after mixing the cream and coffee first. It blended nicely. Then I tried it with cold brew coffee and it refused to blend (same cream chunks on top that wouldn’t blend). I used a different canned coconut brand that I don’t normally use that seemed to have a chunkier texture to it, so I’ll try them brand I usually use and see if that helps. Otherwise, if anyone else has advice as to what we’re doing wrong, is appreciate it. Thanks!
that’s so weird. i’ve never had that happen with coconut milk. what brand were you using? i would only see it acting up if it was coconut cream instead of coconut milk
Same thing happened to me! Mine is all curdled and totally solidified in the fridge. Blending just makes small chunks. I used Thai Kitchen unseeetened coconut milk. Can you recommend a different brand?
i haven’t had an issue with the curdling in the 4 times i’ve made it. but it definitely does harden in the fridge so I just spoon it in to my drink and blend it! but i have no idea why it curdles because i haven’t experienced that any of the 4 times I’ve made it
I was just using Trader Joe’s organic full fat coconut milk. Maybe your house is warmer? Because canned coconut milk in my house always has that thick layer of cream on top, with liquid below. And that thick layer just doesn’t seem to want to blend. Is your house warm enough that your coconut milk has melted and combined before you blend it? Or could you recommend a better brand? Thanks! 🙂
nope, it’s always separated when i open it. do you have high speed blender? i use my blendtec whenever i blend mine, which may make a difference
It may have “broke”… if you blend things to emulsify and continue blending *after* its already emulsified…. it can stay separated. I’ve heard of being able to re-emulsify if you add more ingredients to it again. Google may help. I have a vitamix and have to be careful how long i blend things or this will happen to me.
I think the “curdling” I experienced may have been from adding the collagen all at once in my ninja. I’ve just been making it without the collagen and just has a layer of foam on top. 🙂 Maybe it’s not the coconut but the way you’re adding the collagen? Her recipe calls for adding it slowly.
Definitely not the collagen, I didn’t add any to mine.
Juli – You kill me, your description of the bachelors is spot on and I cracked up at work reading this. Lucas – he sucks. YUP!!! I too cannot wait for paradise.
Hi Juli!!
I think you must have mentioned a orange creamsicle style recipe with collagen one time in your insta stories… any chance you’re planning to post that recipe? I haven’ t been able to find it posted anywhere and would love to try it !!
Thanks!
it’s not my recipe. it was created here – http://gingernewtrition.com/the-adrenal-cocktail-creamsicle/