F*cking Olivia on The Bachelor. Telling a guy that you’ve hung out with twice that you’re unhappy with you kankles is just not the best game plan. Hey guy, I’m insanely insecure, wanna date? From what I’ve heard, and figured out on my own, people as a whole hate insecurities. Nobody cares about your weird toes or your zit between your eyes or that you have three nipples. Sure, people judge you in secret because that’s what humans love to do, but you can’t show those insecurities to someone you’re trying to sleep with. Hold your tongue. Then once you got him locked down, you can boast all about your bunions. Until then, act like they don’t exist, ok? Cool.
Who do you think Ben chooses in the end? Don’t tell me if you already read the spoilers. And stop watching the spoilers. This show comes once a season, enjoy it. I have my money on Lauren B. Or Becca. Or Jojo. No wait, I’m sticking with Lauren B. She’s like a tiny little doll. I think he wants a doll. But a nice doll. What am I even saying? I’ve seen him a couple times in Denver and he is a cauuuutie. And if he’s as nice as tv makes him about to be, he deserves another nice gal. I think Lauren B is nice. And she has the skill of juggling. That ain’t a bad thing.
You know what did not happen in Costa Rica? A tan. As I near closer to my thirties, the whole tanning thing just isn’t my friend anymore. Things I don’t want later in life: skin cancer, sun spots, or chicken skin. Thing I do want in life right now: to be tan. So whenever I’m out in the sun, I live with this little angel and devil on my shoulders, constantly bickering about what to do. I need to get some sort of tan because I’m having a wedding on the beach, in Jamaica…in two short months. And based on my spray tan prom experience from way back when, orange color on your gown just isn’t super hot.
You know what is truly making me heated? This new Oprah/Weight Watchers commercial about her losing 26 pounds while still eating bread. It really pisses me off. I love Oprah, I love the stuff she does, but promoting a diet that is rich in foods that are truly bad for you, that wreck havoc on your system, and do not lead to weight loss long term is f*cked up. We all love bread. I don’t think anyone ever has hated eating bread. But why we don’t lose weight is because of all the bread, all the processed foods, all the sugar that is in our diet. And her sending off that commercial has upped her stock by 20%. Why can’t we just promote eating foods that are good for you, that nourish your body, and that naturally help you lose weight? Why can’t THAT stock go up? Riddle me that.
- ½ cup brewed coffee, chilled
- 1 cup almond milk
- 1 heaping tablespoon of almond butter
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 2 tablespoons chocolate protein powder
- 1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder
- 1 tablespoon maple syrup
- ¼ cup + 1 tablespoon chia seeds
- sliced banana
- some sort of paleo granola (or just chopped nuts)
- my Raspberry Blueberry Jam
- unsweetened coconut flakes
- other toppings that would be great: chocolate chips, fresh berries, chopped dates, or nut butters
- almond milk
- Blend brewed coffee, almond milk, almond butter, vanilla extract, protein powder, cocoa powder and maple syrup in a blender.
- Place the blended mixture into a resealable large jar (or 2 smaller jars) then add chia seeds. Seal jar and shake. Place in refrigerator overnight or for at least 3+ hours.*
- Pour chia seeds in a shallow bowl. (I heated mine up in the microwave for about 30 seconds because I wanted that warm porridge feel - but you don't have to heat yours up if you don't prefer) and top with banana, granola, jam, coconut flakes and almond milk.
- Spoon into mouth.
Have a Chia Seed Party!