That’s a mouth full.
And it should be. Because it’s delicious. And surprisingly not that difficult to make. I started making this recipe as a truffle recipe, completely messed up, and it somehow became bars. I would have been pissed if all that food went in the trash.
I had too much delicious food this last week. Just way too much. I’m kind of over it. I’ll probably stick to meat, brussel sprouts, and hot sauce for a couple days before I want more exciting food again. And my thighs will probably look better because of my boringness. I just let Denver Restaurant Week get the best of me. Eating at Prime Steakhouse on Wednesday then Vesta Dipping Grill on Friday just really got the best of me. And when I say that, I mean the opposite. Because after eating at Vesta on Friday, I was literally in the fetal position moaning in pain. Moaning.
Let me get one thing straight, it wasn’t Vesta’s fault. It’s not like I got food poisoning or anything like that, I just had to find out how sensitive I am to gluten. So I tested my sensitivity by having a piece of bread then part of a whoopie pie. Smart. I was destroyed. Seriously, destroyed. No, I don’t think you understand. I was DESTROYED. Do you get it now? I was lying in my bed, face in the pillow, whining, while praying that I would vomit everything I ate that night. Then I would contemplate what all those foods would taste like coming back up. Then pray I didn’t throw up. Then my stomach would twist and turn again, then I would moan once more, while praying to throw up. It was a lovely Friday evening. Exactly what Laura was hoping to hear while she was trying to sleep that night. I got one lucky roommate.
Let’s recap my meal to maybe grasp what f*cked me up. Once you read it, I know you’re going to be saying out loud ‘you’re an idiot, Juli’ because it probably stemmed from everything I shoved down my throat that night.
- stomach ache causer #1: 1 bite lamb sausage thing, 1 bite pork belly thing. They were both on a stick with some awesome sauce to them.
- stomach ache causer #2: some shot of miso soup. I really don’t know what kind of soup it was. It wasn’t worth drinking, though. And it maybe one of the causes. Stupid.
- stomach ache causer #3: 2 spring rolls dipped in goat cheese fondue. Literally, the best fondue I’ve ever tasted. I wanted to drink it. I cleaned the bowl with my finger like a child.
- stomach ache causer #4: Porcini encrusted steak with potatoes and 3 dipping sauces. This steak was by far one of the best steaks I’ve ever had. And the dipping sauces were unreal. UN.REAL.PEOPLE.
- stomach ache causer #5: Chocolate mousse. With raspberry jam. And biscottis. I ate all of mine. My head of hung in shame. That’s a complete lie.
- stomach ache causer #6: Blueberry lemon whoopie pies. Ok, so this whoopie pie wasn’t mine. Nope. I stole it. From Sergio. Laura and I ate his dessert because he’s being good during the CrossFit Open. So we, meaning mostly me, ate his dessert for him for moral support. I think this is where sh*t got real.
- stomach ache causer #7: I got a parking ticket. I didn’t eat it, but I thought about it. But it definitely could be one of the reasons why I felt sick. Giving my money to the state is always upsetting.
I hope you can figure out why I was dying of internal cramps. I really don’t want that to happen again. Next time I’ll steer clear of the whoopie pies and dumb bread. Because that place was stupid good.
I cannot wait to talk about the season finale of the Bachelor on my next blog post. Seriously.
MY ACNE HURTS!!!!! Waaaaaaaaah. Ok, I’m done complaining. Until tomorrow.
- Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
- Place macadamia nuts in a food processor and pulse until broken down into a chunky meal.
- Place all other ingredients in the food processor and puree until smooth.
- Now grease a bread pan with the coconut oil. You could also use an8x8 glass baking dish, the bars will just come out thinner and not have to cook as long.
- Pour batter in the baking dish, smooth out, and place in oven.
- Bake for 25-30 minutes, until top is browned and inside is cooked through. Patience child.
- Let cool. Cut into your preference size bars. I cut mine into 8 bars.
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