Ranch and paleo?!?! What the f*ck are you talking about JB? That doesn’t make any sense. Oh but it does you paleo eaters, it does. You know why? Because I have the new best dressing EVER. You might have seen it, especially now it’s in many Whole Foods out there. I just saw the product at Whole Foods last night. Badass. Anywho, it’s called Tessemae’s and I’m officially obsessed. I’ve been pretty much drinking the Zesty Ranch flavor ever since I tasted it a few days ago. You HAVE to try it. Listen to all the flavors they have:

  • Lemon Garlic
  • Lemonette
  • Cracked Pepper
  • Balsamic
  • Zesty Ranch
  • Soy Ginger
  • Poppy Seed Grapefruit
  • Italian
  • Red Wine Vinaigrette
  • Hot Sauce/Wing Sauce.

And since I refuse to eat salads because salads bore me, I’m pouring these flavors all over meat and veggies. Sauce makes everything better. And the family who makes these products are truly adorable. I want to hang out with them on Christmas. I think they would be pretty great. They make great dressing, therefore, they must make great food. I can feel it.

So I need to tell you a story. It has nothing to do with sauce. But you know how my brain works. So a weird thing happened to me last week. I was shopping, buying accessories because I’m really digging accessories right now, and trying them on in the mirror. So when my armpits began to sweat since any sort of movement means I pit out, I took off my scarf and shoved it into my purse (which is the size of a suitcase, but that’s besides the point), then proceeded on to try on necklace after necklace. Well, when I did that, this woman stared me down like I had smacked her first born child. She then turned around and went to speak to the manager. At this point, I knew what she was thinking. She thought I had stolen something and shoved it into my suitcase-purse. So I kept shopping, kept trying things on, all while the entire staff whispered and stared me down. I knew what they were thinking, but for some reason I kept quiet, acting as if I couldn’t feel their stares. I should have just shouted “hey you f*cks, I didn’t steal sh*t.” But I’m not one for confrontation. And I’m a lady. So once I checked out, the manager made up some bullish*t lie that it was a rule to check people’s purses before they checked out. I was pissed because I had my new S&M kit in there, but I still gave my purse on over. They went through my purse to find nothing but a lulu lemon scarf and paleo kits. They then took my S&M starter kit. Bastards. I’m kidding…I keep that kit in a different bag.

But that was an interesting feeling. The last time I stole something was while I was still in diapers. You just thought “like last year, Juli?’ didn’t you? Poor joke. But for real, when I was in diapers, I shoved a nice diamond ring in my nasty ass diaper while my parents were at a jewelry store. I’m slick. I guess I always liked accessories. My dad is a goldsmith for gosh sakes. Wait, wait, wait. No, I stole towels from the Rec Center while I was still in college, but that’s because I worked as a lifeguard there. My shelves in my linen closet are still filled with short ass white towels that are stamped with ‘Student Rec Center’ on the bottom. Classy Juli, classy. I guess I’m a thief at heart. A klepto, if you will.

I honestly really should be proud of this woman for saying something when she thought I was stealing. Brave of her. She was wrong and looked like a complete assh*le, but honest, very honest. I commend your false honesty, ma’am. You’re dumb, though. I’m kidding people, stop hating me.

5.0 from 9 reviews

Zesty Ranch Pork Chops and Brussel Sprouts
Prep time

Cook time

Total time


Serves: 2

  • 2 bone-in pork chops
  • 3-4 cups brussel sprouts, ends removed, cut in fourths
  • 4 tablespoons Tessamae’s Zesty Ranch
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced
  • salt and pepper, to taste
  • avocado, diced (to garnish because it’s delicious with pork)

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
  2. Cut your brussel sprouts. I like to cut the ends off then cut the brussel sprouts in half, then one more time in half. Meaning in fourths.
  3. Now heat up a large oven-safe skillet over high heat and add in a tablespoon of zesty ranch and a garlic clove.
  4. Salt and pepper your pork chops on both sides, then add the pork chops to your very hot pan to sear on both sides. They will cook for about 3-4 minutes per side. When you flip your pork chop, pour on one more tablespoon of zesty ranch on top of your pork chop.
  5. Once your pork chops have seared on both sides, add the pan directly to your hot oven for 10-12 minutes. Be sure to not overcook, it’s not as good that way.
  6. While the pork chops are cooking, place a medium skillet over medium heat and add a tablespoon of your zesty ranch along with one of your minced garlic cloves. Then toss in your brussel sprouts and mix around. Once your brussel sprouts begin to brown and almost burn a bit, salt and pepper them and add your last tablespoon of zesty ranch to the brussel sprouts, along with a splash of water then cover with a lid and cook for 3-4 minutes, until soft.
  7. When your pork chops have finished cooking through, add along with your softened brussel sprouts and diced avocado.
  8. If you want to pour more zesty ranch on top, I totally support that. Since I did it.

If you do not have an oven safe skillet, you can place your browned pork chop on a baking sheet to put in the oven.

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