Chatting About The Love of My Life – Episode 34: PaleOMG Uncensored Podcast

If you follow me on social media, you know that the real love of my life is my dog. Sure, my husband is the absolute best and he actually got me our dog, but man, I love the sh*t out of my dog. And I thought it was time to talk for an hour about how much I love him.

[powerpress]

Links from Podcast:

• Jackson’s Dog Food
• Jackson’s Dog Bones
• Jackson’s Dog Treats
• Handheld Travel Size Steamer

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Aaptiv is a fitness app that gives you custom workouts with the voice of an elite trainer and an amazing playlist, walking you through the class or workout or training session! They have unlimited workouts such as race training, ab workouts, spinning, strength training, and even more! I’ve been using it for stretching workouts after my CrossFit or Orange Theory classes! To get motivated or simply just get to stretching this 2017, try Aaptiv out for FREE for 30 days using the promo code PALEOMG. Sign up here and try it out for 30 days now!

Support the podcast by clicking the Subscribe button on iTunes and please a review only if you love the podcast! There is enough negativity in this world, don’t spread more. I love hearing about what YOU want me to talk about so feel free to leave on comment here or on social media with topics you’d like me to cover! And don’t forget, some posts have affiliate links which I may be compensated from. This compensation helps with keeping this blog and up and running! Thank you so much for your support, you guys are amazing!

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Episode 34 Transcription!

Today’s lovely, lovely podcast is brought to you by Aaptiv. I’ve been talking all about Aaptiv over and over. I’ve been using it. I’ve been talking about it. I’ve been hearing other people talk about it. Because it is awesome. Aaptiv is a fitness app right at your fingertips. You just download up, and you have all kinds of workouts at your fingertips. And a trainer walks you through all those workouts. So you can try out yoga, you could train for a marathon if you wanted to, you could do a spin class, you could do 4-minute abs; I don’t know, any minute abs, really they have it on there. They have time-caps on workouts, so if you’re in a crunch, you know how much time it’s going to be. They have so much stuff on their app, it’s crazy. I’ve been trying out the stretching; that’s been my main go-to. After I go to a CrossFit class or I go to an Orange Theory class, I don’t’ want to sit there and stretch because I just don’t give a f*ck. But I like coming home, turning on the TV, and going through the stretches. So that has been my go-to.

And right now, you can try out Aaptiv for 30 days for free, because they’re so rad. All you have to do is go to www.Aaptiv.com. That’s A-A-P-T-I-V. And then you just use the promocode PaleOMG. P-AL-E-O-M-G. And then you can try it out for 30 days. Give it ago. Try out all the workouts. Do it every single day so you can try as many as you want for free, and see how you feel about it. A person is walking you through the workout, so you don’t even have to think. It’s so easy, you can do it in your basement, at the gym, in your living room, while you’re traveling, on vacation. There are so many different options, you’re going to love it. Just go try it out. That’s www.aaptiv.com. Promo code PaleOMG. Bye-bye!

This is Juli Bauer from PaleOMG and you are listening to PaleOMG Uncensored.

Juli Bauer: Well hey there stinky pandas! Whatever that means. Little stinky pandas. Hi. Welcome to my living room. I’m on the couch that I do not want in my house anymore, that we’re hoping to sell, because we bought a new couch and it’s coming a week from today. So if I don’t sell it in time, this b*tch is going out on the street. No, just kidding. I won’t do that. But I’ll give it somewhere. But I want to sell it. I bought this couch a year and a half ago from Crate and Barrel. My friends have the same couch. My friends who live just a few blocks away from here. They have the same couch, and they f*cking love it.

Here’s the thing. My friends have two of the same couch. So the couple, who lives there, have their own separate couch to lie on. They also have a thousand more square feet of home. We only have one couch to fit in our living room, so we do feet to face, if you can imagine that. My feet directly next to his face; his feet directly next to my face. And it’s a tight squeeze. It’s not comfortable. Then we also have a dog; a 40-pound French bulldog on top of us. So. That is, I don’t know, let’s see. 200, 300. We’ll say about 360 to 380 pounds of heat on this f*cking couch. It’s too much. We hate it. And I don’t know what Crate and Barrel was thinking when they packed feathers into a pillowcase without wrapping it in anything. So it’s just these feather that push through the fabric and into every crevice of your body. I think I’ve talked about this on my podcast before. I’m sure I have. Because I just hate it so much.

So, ready to move on. Onward and upward. Bought a new couch from Room and Board. I trusted a different set of friends this time around, who said they love their couch. I trust them. They’re a couple with no children. They don’t plan on having children. And I don’t know why, but that makes me trust them more. Sorry of that offended you since you have a child, but it’s just how the cookie crumbles, my friend. I’m trying to get this blanket off of me, it’s f*cking hot today. So we have a new couch coming next week, and I’m very excited about that. I know it’s the little things as an adult, but hey. You’ve got to relish in what you can.

The other thing we’re trying to do right now is paint the outside of our house. So we have a brick house. But it’s not the cool red brick. It’s this; imagine if, no that’s too much. I was going to say a bloody stool but then you’re going to turn this podcast off. Apologies ahead of time. I didn’t say it. Kind of. So, it’s just a really ugly. It’s like two different color red brick that’s just ugly. You can’t even take photos in front of it. Outfit photos. It’s quite a shame. So we’re painting it. A bunch of people in our neighborhood; we have like 1950s homes in our neighborhood, and a bunch of people. Oh my gosh, my phone is beeping like a b*tch. A bunch of people have painted their house over time, as they’re trying to resell it. And a handful of people have done like a dark gray, almost a bluish gray. So we’re going to do that. We found someone we liked. I actually liked people on Instagram if they had any painters they recommended in the Denver area, and a bunch of people gave me recommendations. And this was from one of them. So hopefully they do a good job, or else I’ll think that person is a real dick.

So we’re going to paint our house soon, and we’re going to do landscaping. We’ve been pretty much saying we were going to do landscaping for a year and a half at this point, of the two years we’ve lived in our home. But we obviously want to paint first before we have landscapers come in so the painters don’t just ruin all the f*cking landscaping we just did. So now we’re trying to do the painting, and then get our landscaping done. So we can be neighbors that our other neighbors are proud of. Because on one side, we have the cutest couple who, they keep their yard pristine and everything is perfect all the time. They have awesome solar panels. They’re just adorable. We’re not there yet. We’re not adorable. My husband has a giant truck that pretty much covers the size of our house, and I don’t think our neighbors find that adorable. But we’re going to be people they’ll want to live next to soon. I’m going to make it happen. It’s going to work. So that’s our summer goal. That’s what’s happening around here.

I also have my mother-in-law and brother-in-law from Nebraska coming into town. God, the yawns are back since I’m talking by myself. Do you remember the last episode? No yawns. None. Just gotta take some breathers. So my mother-in-law and brother-in-law are both coming into town. I love them so much, I got so damn lucky with the coolest. Oh my god, I’m on fire. I have to move off the couch. So I got so lucky with the coolest mother-in-law and brother-in-law. They’re so rad. My brother-in-law is 22, maybe. I think he’s 22 now. And he’s just finishing up college. And when I met him, he was just graduating high school. How crazy is that? He was just coming out of high school, and now he’s going to graduate college and be just a f*cking stud out there. He’s so cool. And he’s so much more personable than my husband. So he’s going to rock it. {laughs} He’s going to rock it. He’s so talkative, when my husband like, super quiet all the time. It’s just so funny to see how different they are sometimes. But also the same. They look identical. I know you don’t give a sh*t about this. But the important part of this conversation is, my mother-in-law is coming into town.

If you follow me on Instagram, a couple of weeks ago it was my birthday and my sister-in-law got me this giant birthday cake. A two-layer gluten free chocolate birthday cake. It’s made of angel tears. It’s so good. So to keep my life together, I put it in the freezer. Because defrosting cake is a pain in the ass, so you’re not going to do it very often. And if you’re eating hard cake, you have to put soap on it. Ok. Put f*cking soap on it and throw in the trash. Miranda style, Sex in the City, 1994. I don’t know when Sex in the City was on. So, cake is coming out. And it’s my counter right now defrosting. And last weekend with the derby and, what else? Oh, Cinco de Mayo, two giant holidays here in Denver. Literally, all of downtown was a f*cking sh*t show of people and blocked of streets and police cars and ambulances and drunk people. It was a hot mess of a weekend. We did not attend the Cinco de Mayo celebrations, nor did we attend derby party. I have been invited to the derby party every year. I don’t know why my friends keep inviting me, because I have never gone, and I never will go. I have no interest in that. Too many drunk people in annoying outfits. And these guys just get f*cking messy. Guys get messy when they’re drunk. Girls for sure. I mean, I say this being that drunk girl at points in my life, many points in my life. You like, where you’re just falling over, your dress is coming up, who knows what’s falling out. I just don’t want to be that person, and I don’t really want to see that person. They can do them. I just don’t want to do it.

So over the weekend, we did go on two double dates. The first double date we had planned for Saturday. My husband thought it was Friday, so he bought tickets to the Rockies game for Friday when it was supposed to be Saturday. So we’re like, f*ck. Well we’re going to the Rockies game on Friday, so we hooked up with our other friends and went on a double date with them. We went to this place called Milk and Honey in Denver, and asked for spicy margaritas because it was Cinco de Mayo that day. Had fantastic spicy margaritas. I’ve never been into margaritas, because they all have sweet and sour in them. Like normal, like Mexican restaurants. Sweet and sour. And I think triple sec tastes like f*cking sh*t. And I feel like most places put triple sec in their margaritas. So the more I go to places the more they aren’t adding that nasty ass sh*t. And if they are, it’s very, very minimal. And I’ve started asking for muddled jalapeños in my margaritas wherever I go. So we started at this Milk and Honey place, and I’m just planning to have one margarita. Of course, one turns into 3 because they’re so good. And then we go to the baseball game. And luckily I don’t care about sports nor do I care about sh*tty drinks at sports games. So, I pretty much Instagrammed, doodled with my hair, talked with the other couple. But I was able to sober up, feel fine the next day. Go workout. Do my thing.

So then we have the next double date, and this double date is with two of our friends who live up north, don’t come down to Denver very much because it’s like an $80 cab ride, so why the hell would you want to do that and then drive back up there. It just sucks. I think I’m exaggerating that price, but whatever. So they finally come down. We go on a double date. We hit up Ophelia’s in Denver, which is an awesome restaurant. I f*cking love it. It used to be a brothel. It has porn photos all over the walls. Super into it. And they make really good drinks and really good food. So we got a ton of small plates. Had, I don’t know what I was drinking, honestly, it just tasted really good and it was spicy and it had some sort of weird spice to it, and it was awesome. So what did I have; I had three of those. And then we decided to bar hop, and we ended up at some sh*tty Mexican restaurant. I shouldn’t say sh*tty, it was nice. But nobody was in it, so I just think it’s sh*tty. But again, this was 9 at night. I don’t know. Whatever. So we go in here, and this guy makes one of the best spicy margaritas I’ve ever had. I’m just on a role. On a roll this past weekend with spicy margaritas. It’s all I want in my life. It was one of those tall glasses. Like a pint class. So it took me a long time.

And then I was like; ok, I’m wasted at this point. And the other girl doesn’t drink very often either, and she’s like, “Me too. We need food.” We walk into Jax, which is a nice seafood restaurant. And me, the drunk. I’m so annoying. Eww. I’m that girl that I was just annoyed with 2 minutes ago. So I walk in, and I’m like, do you guys still have food? And they’re like, yeah the kitchen closes soon. I’m like, we need French fries. And this other girl is awesome, so we’re like, we need French fries and steak tartar. So we had French fries and steak tartar as a midnight snack. Pretty awesome. But, woke up. Not too bad of a hangover, but still you feel like sh*t the whole day. You’re depressed, you’re just groggy. I had to get photos done, didn’t like the photos because my game was just; I was not on. Not outfit photos, but food photos. I was just off my game. So, yeah.

Oh, the whole point of that story. As we were walking to go to Jax t the end of the night, my husband and the guy were back somewhere else, kind of back and we were walking, just the two of us, me and the other girl. And this drunk guy; this is why I don’t f*cking go downtown. This drunk guy, who was just kneeling in the street. Kneeling. Like, he was vomiting, or just pissing out his mouth. He gets up, like he’s a f*cking man. He was just taking a knee, but whatever. He’s the f*cking man. And he was like, “I will punch you in the f*cking face.” To me. Ok. Ok. I don’t know what you’re talking about. So I’m like, what the f*ck? And we just walk away. Just keep walking. This guy is an idiot. And he keeps following us. And his friend is trying to pull him back, and this guy is following us, telling us how he’s going to fight us. What the hell? This is why I do not go to derby parties. Everybody’s like, “Oh, it’s for charity.” Ok, cool. It’s for charity, so someone can punch a girl in the face at the end of the night. Just saying. Just saying. All you can eat. All you can drink. Whatever. Obviously does not work out for a lot of people. So I stayed away from the derby party. And ate some steak tartar. Not a bad weekend.

But. This weekend, all the festivities are going on. We’re going to Black Hawk. We’re going to our favorite restaurant in town. We’re doing a Mother’s Day thing. We’re going to a Rockies game. We have everything planned in the world. And, I’m trying not to drink through this. I don’t need any more spicy margaritas in my life. I need to get back on track, back to feeling my best. And spicy margaritas aren’t going to do the trick. But you know what happens? Whenever my family or friends are drinking, that’s when I’m like. “Oh. Well. I’m going to have a treat. Because they’re just drinking all night. What am I going to have? Oh, a piece of cake.” And I have like 47 slices of cake thawed out. What sh*t is going to go down. Tell me that guys. Riddle me that. I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going to happen.

Oh, speaking of cakes. Oh my god. This is the f*cking best. Ok, a little backstory. You might have seen me talk about it on Instagram. And I talked about it before on the podcast. But I get hate emails all the time. This is nothing new. 6 months into my blog, before blogs were even really a thing, I had a person email and tell me how fat I was and how I should f*cking die alone. Like, f*cking crazy ass sh*t. People are psychos. So I get this sh*t all the time. It’s not new. People keep emailing me, and they’re like, “Why do you think you’re getting so much hate mail lately?” I’m like, this is not lately. I’m just talking about it more. I’m just putting out into the world more so people can see what kind of true people are out there on a daily basis.

And recently, I don’t know why my legs have become a topic of conversation. I don’t think I have these beautiful legs. I don’t think I have these disgusting legs. I just have legs. They’re just legs. They’re legs. I stand on them. I run on them. I live with them. I lift with them. I sleep with them. I barely stretch with them. I need to get on my f*cking Aaptiv app. Anyways. They’re just legs. And I had a guy comment on my blog recently and said, “Your legs are gross.” And then I had an email of a woman telling me that a girl I went to high school with, or lifeguarded with, talks about me to her work friends and says how my legs are so disgusting, and how I had such bad acne growing. That’s true fact, my dear. It’s out there on a lot the internet. But. It’s just so weird that people are talking about my legs. I just never think negatively about other people’s legs. If I see a pair of legs that I think are so beautiful, I think positive things. I’m like, “F*ck, I wish I had those legs.” Something like that. Like, “Oh my god, those legs are to die for.” Positive sh*t.

So, anyways. I’ve been talking about it more, just putting it out there. Letting people know what kind of people are really showing their true colors on the internet. And this woman today on the blog, f*cking love her. Sent me this Facebook video, and it’s a woman. I need to look it up where it actually is. {doorbell} {Jackson barking} Crap, someone’s at the door.

F*cking guy. Guy rang my doorbell twice. Two times in a row. How unneeded is that? And then he’s trying to sell me magazines. I know of so many people who have been trying to say that they’re selling magazines, and then break into houses. F*ck no. I don’t trust anyone. I have listened to too many murder podcasts. God he just threw me off my game. It’s really hot in front of the door too.

Ok, so anyways. So this woman sends me this link to a Facebook video, and I need to find out where this woman is out of. So she said that, I think she got a mean; oh, this is what happened. Jackson, no bone. No. So, she saw a mean comment to Dolly Parton one day. I think it was like, talking about Dolly Parton’s mother would be disappointed in her. Some bullsh*t like that. So she found out where this person lived, and then she wrote that on the top of a cake. Whatever that rude comment was. Put it on a cake, and sent it to the guy’s address. So just imagine if someone calls you a fat whore on the internet. If someone calls you that. And then you were able to put, “You’re a fat whore,” on a cake, and then send it to that person and they open. They get to open it. And it says, “You’re a fat whore.” From the person who said that comment! That’s a super mean comment. But if a person says it, that’s f*cking awesome.

So I need to find out where this woman is out of. So whenever you leave a comment, you leave an IP address. So I can literally find out where people live. It’s really not hard. My assistant actually showed it to me one day. You can literally find out their exact address. F*cking crazy. So I want to find out this guy who said, “Your legs are gross.” I want to find out, look at his IP address and find out where he lives, and send him a cake. Very romantic, right? I thought so too. I just f*cking love that. It is absolutely genius and beautiful and poetic and I am obsessed with this woman who made this up. So amazing.

Ok, so. I’m having a really tight neck lately. I need to go see a chiropractor. And I’m in constant pain. I can barely turn my head. And I’ve just been putting it off. Because I know this chiropractor who is amazing, because my husband goes to him for his migraines. But I know he’s going to dry needle me, and I do not like f*cking dry needles going into the nerve and shooting pain into my body. I’m supposed to help, some bullsh*t, whatever. Not into it. I’m into all the pain of a workout. I love feeling in pain in a workout, but you want to put dry needles; or needles, into my body and move it around on the nerve? No thank you. Or in the muscle. I don’t know what they do. I don’t know why I told you that, but I felt as though I needed to. It’s just, I have one of those canes. I think it’s a Thera Cane, maybe. It looks like a J. And you can really dig it into your whatever muscle you’re using. And I’m doing it right now. And it feels awful. But it’s the best tool out there on Amazon.

Oh. Let me tell you about a couple more of my favorite tools. I don’t know why I’m doing this. I have a whole podcast topic to talk about. But I want to tell you about these two tools I love. I should link them in this podcast. So this Thera Cane; obsessed with. Use it every night. You can dig into your knots. It’s amazing.

Then this; I don’t know what it’s called but it’s for ground meat. So you know when you’re trying to mash up ground beef or something, and it’s going across the pan and then it shoots out and it’s all over your floor. Or it’s just one big clump, and then you’re cooking one big clump instead of little pieces like you want? I think my husband sent me this, and I just got it on Amazon. It was like $6. And it’s a kind of spatula, but it has 4 prongs. I don’t know how to explain it. But it just mashes up your meat so well. It’s the best tool ever. And someone even tagged me in a photo, or an Instagram story the other day, and was like, “Juli was right! This is amazing. Loves it.” It really is the best tool ever.

And then I recently got a steamer, like a little handheld steamer that you can pack with you, and I’ve talked about it a little bit on my Instagram. And I’m so obsessed with it. It’s the best steamer ever. It was $18. It’s handheld. You can take it anywhere with you. You can pack it in your suitcase. So I just steam all my clothes instead of ironing them now. That’s so much easier. Who likes the sound of an ironing board opening? It’s the worst sound in the world. And then they burn your clothes. Steamer is the way to go. And it was $18. It was so worth it. I love it so, so much. Those are my favorite things right now. Dammit! I need that as a podcast topic.

Speaking of Instagram, I haven’t been doing Snapchat in forever. I put it off completely. Because I feel like I don’t have enough content to talk about stuff on Instagram, on my blog, on Instagram stories, on Snapchat too. I just don’t feel like I have enough to say. For real. How do you feel about that? Is Snapchat almost gone? Do you think it’s going to go away? I mean, Facebook owns the world. It owns Instagram. I wish Facebook would go away. I f*cking hate Facebook. People ask me to do Facebook live, and I refuse because I hate Facebook. That’s where I get the trolliest comments of all. All the trolls are still hanging out on Facebook. The fun people went to Instagram. Just saying. Just keeping you guys up to date with everything. I want you to know what’s going on in the world.

OK that’s all I have to say about those things. Today’s podcast, I want to tell you about the most loyal, loving, caring person in my life. My dog. I’m obsessed with my dog. And we’re going to backtrack. I had a cat when I was younger. We had this cat for a long time. And we lived; I grew up in Golden, and we lived right on the foothills. So there were wild animals always in the backyard. And the cat stopped coming home one day, so we’re like; “Ok, it got eaten by a mountain lion or something.” It shows up maybe a year later. I don’t know, I could be exaggerating because I was a child. Maybe 6 months later. Shows up, limping, looks like f*cking sh*t. Obviously got beat by an animal. We take him in. The doctor is like, his diaphragm is ruptured, he’s not going to live another 6 months. You might as well kill him. And my mom decides not to. What a good soul, because the cat lived for like another 6 years or some bullsh*t.

But the thing about that cat is our neighbor always fed it treats and awesome stuff. So the cat stopped coming home and just f*cking moved in with the neighbor. Our neighbor literally took our cat. Nobody else finds that fucked up? So anyways, I was like, ok I don’t feel loyalty with a cat. So my cat days were kind of over. We then, I think I begged my parents to get a dog. And we got a dog. A little Shi Tzu, when I was in, maybe middle school. And Shi Tzu’s are cute as can be when they’re little puppies. Adorable. But then he was pretty dumb after that. And he didn’t; I always wanted a dog who wanted to cuddle, and sleep in bed with me, and just be like best friends. And this dog didn’t want it. So I was like, you know what? I ‘m not really into f*cking dogs. Then he died while I was in college, and that was sad. It was pretty much my parent’s dog, but that was really sad. I think I cried for like 2 weeks. No, I think maybe I was in high school. But whatever. I cried a lot. It’s so sad when something dies.

But, I was like, ok I’m not really into dogs. They sniff your crotch. From what I know they’re kind of f*cking naughty. They don’t want to cuddle. So I didn’t really like dogs. Circa, I don’t know, out of college, I move in with my college roommate, my best friend Laura. We move in together. She has a dog at this point in her life. Why did that at 22 years old when she’s going out to the bars every night, I don’t f*cking know. But she wanted a dog, she got a dog, and this dog was disgusting. Not only did it shed everywhere, there’s fur everywhere. But it was so naughty. It would jump the fence all the time, sprint everywhere, never listened. Was not much; he was just kind of an asshole. And I was working part-time at home at this point. Not really, I was working on my blog. It wasn’t a fulltime gig. But I was still trying to take food photos, and this dog would jump onto the kitchen table and eat the food off the kitchen table. As I was trying to take photos of it. This dog was so bad.

So I was like, I do not like dogs. Dogs f*cking suck. Not interested. Not interested in hair everywhere. Not interested in someone who can smell my crotch, and gets all up in it in front of other people. That’s uncomfortable. And I don’t want a dog who eats, hopefully, the money I’m going to make, and eat. Does that make sense? Hopefully this will make me money. That’s not making sense. But it is in my head. But you’re eating my income. And, I was making $17,000 a year at this point. And I couldn’t exactly afford to have food eaten by a dog. Just saying.

That’s how I felt about dogs. Didn’t like them. Roll around, I don’t know. I’m living with my then boyfriend, now husband, and I see a French bulldog puppy for the first time. And I was like, what the f*ck. Ok, this is the funny story about that. I was at a CrossFit competition. I run into my ex-boyfriend; my last boyfriend before my husband. Like my college boyfriend. And he doesn’t like me at all. He kind of hates my guts. He’s holding this little puppy. And I’m like, f*ck I have to talk to him now, because what is that puppy? So I go up to him. He’s not thrilled about it. I don’t think he let me hold the puppy. Whatever. Find out it’s a French bulldogs, and I’m like, this is literally the cutest dog I’ve ever seen in my life. So I start Googling French bulldogs. And I’m like, holy sh*t! How have I never seen these dogs before? This is a dog teddy bear. They’re so f*cking cute. I was entranced by this dog. And it turned out to be one of my friend’s dogs, so I kind of watched that dog grow up on Facebook, and I’m like, “oh my god, I’m so in love with French bulldogs.

So we’re still dating; my husband and I are dating. And, I don’t know if we were engaged, but we were together and living together. And I start sending him pictures of French bulldogs every single day. Every day. Because at first he was like, they are not cute. I’m like, you’re f*cking high, and I hate you, and I’m not marrying you. But will you get me an engagement ring. So I keep sending him photos, and he starts coming around. And he sees cute ones. Sometimes he doesn’t think they’re cute. But he’ll see a cute one, and he’s like, Ok I kind of get where you’re coming from. So I started talking to him about getting one. I’m like, this would be perfect. We live in an apartment right now. French bulldogs are great apartment dogs. They’re lazy. Like, you work all the time. It’s not like you want a dog that you have to go run for 4 hours in the park with. So he starts coming around to the idea. But he’s like, I want to find a good looking one. There are some fucked up ones out there. The breeding is so bad. And please do not send me “Adopt, don’t shop” emails. I got plenty of those when I got a French bulldog, thank you very much. Thank you.

So anyways. We start looking at places, and we’re like, we should hold off. Because I was going on book tour, for my second book, and we’re like, “We should hold off. We don’t need to get a dog right now, because I won’t be home to potty train it and whatever. So I put the idea out of my head. Didn’t even think about it at all. And one day, my husband comes home from work, and he goes straight into the bedroom and he’s like, I’m going to change into sweats. And right then as soon as he went into the bedroom, there was a knock at the door. And we’d been having troubles with our garbage disposal, and this guy kept coming in and he was super annoying, and I was like, “Brian, get the door. I’m not getting that door.” And he was like, “No, I don’t have pants on.” I was like, oh my god. I literally have to do everything. {phone ringing} Oh my gosh, don’t call me right now.

I was like, I literally have to do everything. And I was a b*tch about it. So I huff and puff to the door. And I open the door, and lo and behold, I have a dog sitting at my doorstep. And at first I’m like, what the f*ck. What’s happening, what’s happening. I just didn’t understand it. And I look over, and I see my friend Tommy there. And Tommy is actually the guy who married us; who introduced us and married us. So this guy Tommy is standing there, and I’m like, “Whose dog is this?” I mean, he’s 8 pounds. My dog is 8 pounds. He’s 30 pounds now. He’s a little tiny baby. And he’s sitting there. And this is all on video, too. If my husband face wasn’t in it, I would totally share this video.

So I get down on the ground right outside, and I bundle up. I pick him up. He goes right into my neck, right into the nook. And starts cuddling me, and I start crying, and I fall in love with him in seconds. This dog melted my heart. I feel like this is probably what it’s like to have a child. Obviously, way more intense because you housed it and then you birthed it, or you adopted it. Whatever. But, I had never felt like this before. And I f*cking love my husband. He’s rad as f*ck. But, this dog melted my heart. I just fell in love with him so much. Oh my god, I fell in love with him. He is the greatest thing. We go to Petco; I don’t know if you’re hearing all these sounds of my phone f*cking going off. I’m going to apologize right now. I don’t know who’s trying to talk to me while I’m trying to record my podcast, you dicks. Apologies ahead of time.

So anyways. We go to Petco or PetSmart or whatever; don’t know what the hell to do. We literally have no clue. How do people take their children home for the first time? What do you do? You’re like, what happens now? We go in, they give us some puppy kit, whatever. Start feeding him some food. So we’re in an apartment on the second floor. And in the apartment, you had to go out the door, down the hallway, down the stairs to get to the grass. So potty training was f*cking hell. Apologies to the guy who owns that apartment, because my dog pissed in it a million times. It was very challenging. We also had a couch that he thought would be fun to pee on a lot.

So I remember the first week we had him. I started crying because he would act like he was potty trained, and then he would stand on a pillow, look at you, and piss. I was like, what the f*ck. What the actual f*ck. So, that was the most challenging part. Puppy stage sucks. Oh my god. Training a puppy is the pits.

And we always thought about going to puppy training classes, but we just never did. And the hardest part was potty training for sure. But, we were like, why don’t we get a pee pad? Because he knows when he gets to the grass he needs to go. But he just can’t hold it. His bladder just can’t do it. His bladder can’t do it yet. And he has to pee every 2 hours, or every hour. And going out every hour was hell. So anyways, we get a pee pad and put it on our patio. Works like a charm. He goes right on it and pees on it in a second. Easy peasy. Cleaning it was awful. Absolutely awful. But the pee pad worked miracles. So if you’re in an apartment, and you have a patio that your dog can pee on. Big dogs, that would suck. Jackson peed like a teaspoon when he was a puppy. But that was such a miracle. I don’t know why we didn’t do that earlier. We kept thinking. We tried the bell method, put a bell the door. F*ck no, that wasn’t going to work. Pee pad worked like a charm. And then he was able to hold it over time. So easy.

We did do crate training when he started off. So he, oh my god the first night he cried and screamed so loud. Brian said it wasn’t that bad; my husband. I thought it was awful. And I’m sure that’s how parents feel when a child is screaming and you’re supposed to let them fall asleep. It was so hard. We slept with him on the couch the first night. But after that, we put him in the crate and he learned really fast. My friend, Jeremy, got him this little teddy bear that is supposed to have a heartbeat in it. And he slept with that every day. And that calmed him down maybe. But it was this giant teddy bear in this big crate with him. Because we bought a bigger crate that he could grow into.

So we crated him for probably the first, I don’t know, first until he was 6 months old maybe. And then we just started to let him go to bed in his bed. And didn’t crate him. Tried testing out if he had to be crated when we left; if he would go to the bathroom anywhere, and just lock it off to a certain area. And he was fine. It was pretty easy pretty quickly. Rarely did he have any accidents. So crate training was easy. We don’t put him in a crate anymore. He just lies on the couch all day long if we’re ever gone for the day. And he’s the best. Like, it’s crazy.

If you think you’re not a dog person, you honestly might be. But I think we did get extra lucky. I can’t imagine a life without him. He’s the best dog. And I think we’re able; he’s pretty chill. If he is out front and he sees another dog, he’ll run after that other dog, because he just wants to say hello. Same thing in the park. A lot of times he’ll run up to a dog in the park and chase after him. But he’s pretty good off leash. I take him off leash a lot. He mostly just stays by us. I think it’s because my husband is so chill and took him off leash all the time when he was a puppy and so Jackson is chill too. I think if I raised him off the leash he would be a little bit more frantic, because I am. But my husband is f*cking chill as hell and I think that’s why he’s so good off leash. And I know there’s obviously people who do training for that, and are awesome. And he could use some training for sure. He knows sit, because that’s how he gets a treat, but that’s about it. But I haven’t taught him anything. I don’t really care to. But it would be good to be able to have him stop completely if there’s a dog there. But he’s a really cool dog. He’s chill. He’s pretty, what’s it called. When he lies down. When a dog comes up, he lies down on his back. He’s kind of timid, shy. I forget what the word is right now. It’s on the tip of my tongue.

So we feed him a food called PureVita. And I feed him the salmon. He had a lot of different stomach issues just finding the right food. We did a raw; freeze dried raw food for a while. And for a while, he was having diarrhea and then after that he was taking 7 giant dumps a day. I was like, a dog this size should not be taking that many huge poops. I mean, it didn’t make sense how that was coming out of him. So I found that food, and it does really well. It’s pretty clean. Not completely raw diet, paleo style by any means. But then I get him freeze dried liver for treats. So I get him freeze dried liver, like duck, or buffalo. There’s a bunch of different freeze-dried foods. And then for bones, I get him Himalayan salt chews, and I think these guys were on the, what’s it called, Shark Tank. I actually saw them on Shark Tank. But I fed them before I saw them there. And those were always his favorite bone. He was just chewing it, if you hear him in the background. He was just chewing it a second ago. And he loves them. They chew them down forever, and then once they get small you put it in the microwave for like 30 seconds to a minute and it puffs up almost like a rice crispy treat, kind of. That’s what I imagine it to. I’m sure it doesn’t taste like that. Haven’t’ tested the theory out yet.

But, he loves it. Those are his favorite treats. And he gets one to two walks a day. We got him for a great breeder. He hasn’t, knock on wood {knock-knock} he hasn’t had any hip issues or nose issues. He did get; I forget what it’s called, like apple eye or some bullsh*t like that. It’s like where your eye; I don’t know how to explain it, but the white kind of puffs out. And they say there’s nothing you can do about it. Or you can try this surgery, but it might happen again. And I took him to the doctor when it happened, or the vet. What is this eye thing called? I asked her, I was like, well will it go back in? And she’s like, no, it will be there until you do surgery. I was like, ok, well I’m going to think about it. And I go home and within hours it went back in. So come on people.

So anyways. He hasn’t had any sort of issues yet. The doctor; gah, the vet, wants him to stay at 38 pounds, and he was 39 last time we took him to the vet. And she was like, he needs to be on a diet. So this is funny; I told her. I give him a cup of food in the morning; this was a while ago. And I was like, he sometimes doesn’t eat it. He hasn’t been interested in it lately. So then he eats his breakfast at dinner. So he’s eating one cup a day, because he’s mostly not eating breakfast. Once in a while he does. So she’s like; ok, well let’s put him on a little bit of a diet. How about you give three-fourths of a cup in the morning, and then at night. So when I put him on three-fourths of a cup, then he starts eating breakfast and dinner, but then he’s eating more food than he did before. Come on vet. Think about it. Whatever. So luckily, Jackson gets usually two walks a day, if not just one. I try to take him on longer walks sometimes where we walk for like an hour, but he just loves being outside. He loves going on walks. It’s his favorite time of day. He loves just being in the sun and rolling around in the grass.

He’s the f*cking best dog in the world. I don’t know, literally don’t know how I’m going to get through life once he’s gone. Honestly, I hope I die before he does. Is that selfish? Is that weird? I’m not like a big spiritual person, but I do believe that there’s a place that you go that you get to be with your dogs when you die. That’s just what I think. It’s what I love. So my heaven is dog world. So yeah, that’s all I have to say about Jackson.

If you don’t think you’re a dog person, you might be surprised when you find the perfect dog. Luckily, I found the perfect dog through my husband. How is my husband ever going to top that gift? My husband gives the best. He’s always given the best gifts. When we first started dating, I needed a suitcase and he bought me a suitcase and he’s just the best. The suitcase was filled with all kinds of fun goodies. It was like a Valentine’s Day gift. And then I wanted to get a bike and he bought me a cool bike. And he got PaleOMG stickers printed and put it on my bike. Like, can you f*cking even? He’s so cute. And then, what else has he bought me? He’s the best gift giver, and I’ve bought him socks. I don’t, I’m so bad. And then, I show up, and I have a dog at my doorstep. A dog. Literally the best gift in the entire world. So that’s that.

Speaking of dogs. I don’t know why this made me think of it. But I was going to talk about this on the podcast before. So, we have this huge mess with health insurance. My husband’s credit card was stolen, so we had to get a new credit card. He forgets to update his credit card with health insurance. They contact him, and he’s like, oh my god I’m sorry. He pays like 3 months’ worth, the three months that he missed or something. Pays it all there. It’s fine. And then, I forget why, but they decide to terminate him. We’re like; he paid through the month of February, and then they terminated him February 28th. I forget why, honestly, because I don’t give a f*ck. I’m like, ok, we don’t have health insurance. I don’t care why, we need to get health insurance in case one of us is in a car accident or something bad happens. Because everything happens like that. The second your terminated from something or you don’t have something, then you need it. The one time.

So this fell at the perfect timing that my birth control needed to be renewed. I’ve been on hormonal birth control since I was 15. The ripe age of 15 years old. So it’s been almost 15 straight years of being on multiple different kinds of birth control. So I was like, ok. Well, I can go to Planned Parenthood, and I’m sure they’ll dig around in my vagina, and I’m not about that. I f*cking hate those appointments. Get out of there. Gross. So I was like, I could go to Planned Parenthood, get some birth control, all would be fine. Or I can just f*cking grow up, and get off birth control because I know that I do not need to be on hormonal birth control that’s f*cking with my hormones. I got an email from a woman who told me about her friend getting cancer from birth control. You know, it’s just all the science is proven towards it’s not the best thing for our body. And personally, I don’t want a copper IUD in there, either. I heard that sh*t’s f*cking painful. No thank you. So I’ve come off birth control. This will be the first week without birth control. Still working on the health insurance. Thank god. We need to get that done quickly. We’re just applied. They’re like, what kind of prescriptions are you on? I’m like, I’m just on an acne medication. Spironolactone. And then when they guy was getting off the phone with us, he was like, ok we’ll see if your application gets approved with your wife’s stuff she has going on. I was like, what do you mean, stuff? It’s acne medication, you f*cking dick. You’re not going to approve me because I have acne? What an ass.

Anyways. So, I have been known to be a bit f*cking crazy when my birth control is off. So I’m very scared to come off the birth control thing. No, I’m not trying to get pregnant. I know how to not get pregnant. I’ve done it for however many years of my life that I’ve been sexually active. Not sharing that one here. Who knows if my mother is listening. Mom, don’t listen to this stuff. Get out of here. So, anyways. I’m getting off birth control. I’m very scared of what my hormones will do. I’m also nervous how my skin will react to it. But I know it’s the best thing for me. You know. It’s not easy to change your diet or work out more. That stuff sucks too. But if you do it over time, the easier it gets. So I’m hoping the longer I’m off birth control, the less f*cking psycho I become. Fingers crossed. But I may have to ask my husband to move out for a little bit, so we don’t get a divorce.

So that’s what’s going on in my life. Cake. Moving on from alcohol. No kids. No birth control. We’ve got this. I love my dog. Oh, you know what else I did for my dog? This is how much I love my dog. I had a glass door installed in front of our front door, like a storm door, so I could open the door and have it locked so when this f*cking guy comes to ring the doorbell twice I can keep it locked and say hi from inside. But I did this all so the sun could shine in in the afternoon and he could sit on a blanket and stare out the door in the sunshine. That’s how much I love this dog. I altered our house for him. I love him so much.

And you know what? You know what’s cool about dogs? They never grow up and say mean things to you. They never murder you. Listen to podcasts where kids murder their parents. That sh*t happens. Real life. And then, who was I talking to? Someone told me. Oh yeah it was a friend at the gym. Their child will tell them that they’re a bad mom. They’re like 3 or 4. They’re a bad mom. So she’ll put vinegar on her tongue. Be like, we’re going home, and she puts vinegar on their tongue. And that’s how they get disciplined. That’s pretty rad. But yeah, Jackson never says mean things to me. Sure, he’s naughty sometimes. Oh, are you looking at me? I’m talking about you. Sure he’s kind of naughty sometimes, but he’ll never murder me, that’s for sure.

Ok as we’re speaking right now, I need to go because I think I found a wasp’s nest, and the painters aren’t going to love that, so I’ve got to get that taken care of. So until next week, I hope you all enjoyed this podcast about me obsessing over my dog. Weird topic, I know. But a couple of people asked for it. I’ll say probably 3, a solid 3. That’s enough for me. So I just had to talk about him today. He’s the gem of my life, and you all should get a French bulldog. Or any dog, ok. Any dog that works. And that’s about it.

Don’t forget to go to the blog, www.PaleOMG.com. I have all sorts of recipes on there. A woman told me that I don’t have paleo recipes. I have about 700 paleo recipes on my blog. Two new ones every week. So head this week because I shared cherry Garcia ice cream, and then the best meatloaf you will ever f*cking make. No joke, the best meatloaf. It’s magic. It’s pure magic. It’s bacon cheeseburger meatloaf. It has no cheese in it, ok. So go to my blog, check it out. I have an adorable white ruffle top and orange skirt on the blog that I cannot stop thinking about. I want to wear it every day. It makes me feel adorable. Even when I was freezing cold taking the photos because it was 7 in the morning in Colorado.

Oh, and I also shared a post about 10 things I learned in the first year of marriage. So just talking about me and my husband’s relationship a little bit. And I’m going to do that every year, just to kind of reflect on what we’ve learned. The sh*t we’ve gone through. Thankfully the first year has been good. But anything after that, we’ll see how it goes. So head to www.PaleOMG.com. Come follow me on Instagram. That’s where I’m talking the most. Chatting about whatever I want to talk about on Instagram stories. You can follow my life there. And leave a comment. Make a recipe. Use the hashtag PaleOMG. All that jazz.

And don’t forget to subscribe to this podcast, if you like it. If you don’t like it, keep it to yourself. There’s a lot of things I don’t like in this world, and I keep it to myself, because I’m a normal human. So keep it to yourself. But if you love it, spread the positivity. Let’s spread it. If not, you can troll cake me. Ok. Troll cake the sh*t out of me. OK I’ve got to get out of here. I’ve got family coming into town. I’ve got a cake to defrost. I think I’m going to make some muffins. Some Simple Mills banana muffins because they’re f*cking delicious and I just want to lick the batter. So you got that going on. Ok, I love you. I hope you have a great weekend honey. And I will see you next week for another awesome podcast. And if you ever want me to interview anyone, let me know. I’ll probably say no because I don’t like most people. But there are a few cool people out there. Maybe I’ll ask. Let me know. Ok. It’s been great. Go do big things. Be awesome. Talk to you soon. Bye-bye beautiful.