Let’s just get down to the nitty gritty. I’m a ball of emotion right now. Straight up cluster f*ck. I tend to build all of my emotions inside until they are about to burst out my eyes, in turn bearing tears. And the tears sure came. Full force. Multiple times. For no apparent reason. My lord.
So why am I telling you this? Well, I have this wonderful friend named Ryan who has told me multiple times since the start of my blog to be as real as possible with my audience and they will appreciate it. Ok Ryan, sh*t is about to get real.
As I’ve entered my CrossFit life, I’ve changed a sh*t ton. I began dabbling in CrossFit on my own (in a globo gym) when my best friend Jon introduced me to it. I then began changing my diet. SLOWLY. I disregarded the fact that diet was the most important part to a lifestyle and thought exercise could hold me through. Obviously, I was wrong. So I took out most grains, then took out dairy, then took out grains altogether, then zoned, then paleoed, then paleo-zoned, then cut out all cheating, then added in paleo cheating. Wow, that was exhausting.
So my body changed A LOT during that time frame. I went from almost 160 pounds to 123, then back to 130 where I stuck for several months until I began to train for Sectionals this year. After going through a hard break up and getting below 120, I began to train harder and harder to be sure I would do my best through Sectionals. I also began gaining more and more weight. And I wasn’t sure why. My clothes started fitting tighter, my butt started getting back to it’s original 160lb size, and my face started to round out more and more. I was excited because I was getting stronger, but more uncomfortable because I was not my small frame I had come to know and become comfortable with.
I began not fitting into my clothes, not being able to shop anywhere because my legs were too big, and not wanting to even step foot in front of the mirror. I was incredibly uncomfortable with who I had become. I had never received more compliments in my life, but all I could think about was how I was “fat.” Oh yeah, I just went there. And the most frustrating part of it all, I was (and still am) working with amazing women every day who I am trying to inspire to be comfortable with themselves and to love every muscle on their body, all the while I’m crying at home wishing I looked different.
When Regionals rolled around, I finally felt normal again. I was around women who looked exactly like me. These women looked strong, their legs rubbed together just like mine, and they just oozed confidence. It was exactly what I needed. I needed a wake up call that how I looked was not disgusting, it was not abnormal, and it was not weird. It’s how I should look if I’m going to lift 205 pounds 45 times. It’s how I should look if I’m going to do 30 handstand push ups. It’s how I should look if I’m going to be THE BEST that I can be.
But this confidence is not something I have conquered as of yet. I still am challenged daily by it. I still look in the mirror and see the insignificant things. I still see the acne, I still see the cellulite, and I still see the lumpy areas that I will most likely always have. And I’m coming to terms with that. You know why? Because I’m stronger and faster than I ever have been. I am woding every day, keeping my body healthy, and providing a life that I would never have had if I hadn’t found CrossFit.
I have struggled all my life with self confidence. I have never once considered myself beautiful or strong. But I know one thing, I am passionate. I have the passion to find a way to become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m not sure I even know what that person looks like. But I know she is strong, inside and out. And that strength I pursue daily will lead me in the right direction.
What direction do I want to pursue? A direction that leads me to personal excellence. I want to excel, I want to push through pain, and I want to change the world for the better. Whether that be through blogging about a recipe, inspiring someone in the gym, or pushing through a wod to hopefully someday better my chances at making it to the Games, I hope to change at least one person’s life in the meantime.
I want to strive to be a better person and I want to base that off of how many hearts I hit. I’m writing this blog not to complain, but to help someone out there who has the same struggles I have. As women, as CrossFitters, as paleo-enthusiasts, or as bloggers, all of us are looking at blogs for a reason. To connect. I hope that you are able to connect with me on a new level now that you better understand my inner demons. Just like strength is not conquered in a day, self satisfaction is not conquered in even a year. I blog because I love people and I love sharing my stories and recipes in hopes inspire one person to see themselves differently. To help someone cook something delicious, feel better on the inside, and let that feeling transfer over to how they present themselves daily…With confidence. With self excitement. And with self satisfaction.
Work hard. Every day. And never settle for less than your best. And with that,….do this with me–look in the mirror, tell yourself either “you are beautiful” or “you are amazing” and change your attitude for the day. Smile. Show the world what you have to offer. I’m about to go do that now.
Juli you're awesome 🙂 Thanks for that
That is an awesome post and really gets to the heart of what all girls (and maybe some guys) go through with regard to body image. I had never struggled with diet or exercise before CrossFit because I didn't diet or exercise and my weight still stayed the same. Ever since starting CrossFit, I have only gotten heavier, which I know is due to muscle, but it still bothers me. It's not the number on the scale that I care about, but I dislike seeing muscle in my arms and legs that I couldn't see before, and clothes do fit differently. I wish I could say that the gains I've made in my health wash away the negative feelings I have about my body, but I haven't gotten to that point! I'm proud of how hard you've worked inside and outside of the gym to get to where you are today. I wish I had even an ounce of your dedication. You are a beautiful person both inside and out, and you inspire people to want to better themselves. I miss having you around at Evolve because you're a blast to hang out with, and also because you make me want to push myself. I can't wait to see you competing at the Games. Keep it up!
Juli, I could see on your face this morning that something wasn't right. You have a lot on your plate right now. I want you to know that I am one of the lives you have helped to change. You have motivated me and spent time with me and worked with me on a one on one basis and I appreciate that perhaps more than you will ever know. You are beautiful, Juli- BEAUTIFUL!
love this. I have always idolized you, just so you know :). You're such a beautiful person, Juli!
Hey, girl!!! I appreciate your honesty. I have pretty much the same story (except the part where you are now ripped …and competing as an individual at regionals).
Funny thing, before I knew who you were, I called you "the pretty girl with the purple headband" at regionals! HA!
I was 162lbs when I moved to Denver almost 2 years ago. I did CrossFit in Cali before I moved here, but never actually committed to training hard and being purely disciplined-even though I thought I did. I zoned, paleo-zoned, did paleo (without portion control), and swore it all off periodically.
A couple months ago, I realized that if I didn't get my shit together, and really start training hard and being disciplined (permanently) with my nutrition, I will never be able to compete in CrossFit. The pond of talented athletes has now turned into an ocean of talent. I now sit right at 140lbs, feel better than I ever have, PR on everything, I'm getting faster, and can actually see muscle definition on my body. CrossFit + proper nutrition + lifting heavy weight = a better life.
I believe with all of my fiber that strong is beautiful, and skinny-fat is gross. I refuse to allow people in my life who don't believe that. I would never date a man that thinks stick-girl-with-huge-fake-boobs-that-can-clearly-not-do-a-single-pull-up at the pool is hot, or be friends with girls who think strong and muscular is manly.
All women have insecurities, if someone says they don't, they are lying. I am sure it is instinctual (how could it not be when all of us share the same trait?) With that in mind, I try to acknowledge those insecurities when they creep up, and then promptly dismiss them, keeping in mind that I work every day to become a better person (inside and out). I also truly believe that we CAN be confident, strong, amazing crossfitters, (aka badass women), and still have insecure, ugly moments….it's human nature. After all: courage is NOT the absence of fear, it is doing something even though you are afraid. (This quote connects these issues for me, I hope they do for you too.)
And, Juli, if you are a strong BADASS woman, that in itself is helping to change lives one woman at a time. We live as an example that strong is beautiful, and weak and deconditioned is not.
-Katie
Not sure where this reply will pop up, but I’m trying to comment on K-Mac’s July 2011 post.
I know this is not really the point of this post, and I’m not trying to be argumentative, but I just can’t resist saying something, because this whole business of women being made to feel awful about themselves to the extent that they are literally INCAPABLE of seeing their bodies as they ACTUALLY ARE makes me so, soooo ANGRY. And it seems relevant – at least to me – because I think the point of Juli’s post was to empower, both herself and her female readers. And I want to help.
Anyway, K-Mac said, “All women have insecurities, if someone says they don’t, they are lying. I am sure it is instinctual (how could it not be when all of us share the same trait?)…”
^ I’m *assuming* (I might just being seeing this through my feminist lens…) that K-Mac is referring to body/appearance insecurities. That being said, what I have to say is this:
It is NOT instinctual. It is CULTURAL. Western women (or maybe it’s women from industrialized cultures? either way it’s ESPECIALLY bad in the U.S.) have been totally BRAINWASHED into micromanaging their appearances in a way that simply does not exist in less “developed” areas of the world. The media is to blame for this. Industry (beauty, diet, fashion, even fitness) is to blame for this. Pornography is to blame for this. Ubiquitous marketing is to blame for this.
Telling hints:
– Anorexia is a culture-specific syndrome that DOES NOT EXIST outside of the U.S. and a few highly “developed” European countries.
– One study introduced American television into a “tribal” culture (can’t remember where) that otherwise had no media. After a mere 3 weeks, the rate of self-induced vomiting in the tribe’s women skyrocketed — up something 30% (sorry I’m being sloppy with the details… it was years ago that I learned about this research)
– When questioned about their “body satisfaction, 80% of African-American women indicated that they were “satisfied” with their bodies, compared to a paltry 11% of Caucasian women. Psychologists hypothesize that this is partly due to the different portrayals of AA and white women in American media (“curvy” vs “boyish” bodies), as well as greater value being placed on “curviness” in AA culture (in general).
– This is PURELY ANECDOTAL, but I was a Peace Corps volunteer in Africa a few years ago. Where I lived, men frequently said that “all women are beautiful”. Many thought it was ridiculous to compare them for this reason, even asserting that you simply “cannot compare” them. For them, volumptuosness was a status symbol that indicated wealth. Husbands liked to publicly point out their wives fatty spots – with great pride! This meant that the husband took good care of this wife and gave her only the best fool to eat. It also indicated that the woman was fertile and would have many children (big families are another status symbol, as you have to have the resources to support everyone). African men used “WOW! You are well-formed!” accompanied by a stocky, pec-flexing gesture as a PICK-UP LINE, and the targeted women would giggle and blush. (Men said this to me all the time. It took forever to get used to it and truly FEEL it as a compliment.) Additionally, in what little media you came across (music videos in the local cinema or restaurant in the city, sparse billboards in the city, posters in little stores that came along with the products [like powdered milk or cookies]), EVERYONE was depicted. It didn’t matter what the person looked like. Skinny, fat, snaggly-toothed, whathaveyou. Normal people. Normal Africans. Hey, that’s what people look like! There was little attempt to portray anything besides reality – real and simple.
^ By the way, largeness/fatness in rural Africa is not uncommon by any means, especially among the women. (Men tend to be lean, but – as we know – the male body simply doesn’t store fat the way the female body does.) Ubiquitous scrawny, starving Africans is a total myth. (Malnutrition in Africa is a result of limited VARIETY of foods, partly due to harsh climates and partly due to a lack of interest/knowledge in/about optimal nutrition, not a question of abundance.) So it’s not valued simply because it’s unique or hard to come by.
ANYHOO, the reason I wanted to say something was NOT to criticize or argue (I promise! I am writing this and loving you all!), but in the hopes that – if women saw that this was a problem imposed on us from an external source, that it is our perfectly sane response to an insane context – we could start to attack that parasite TOGETHER. I believe that is the only way it will ever go away. We have to reject the whole business en masse. We have to stop sanctioning the culture surrounding it. So hard, because when all you’ve experienced is *that* culture, you can’t see it. You can only see it from the outside looking in. (The whole “fish in the water not knowing they are wet” thing.) So hard. But so necessary.
^ I think it is so, so dangerous for us to accept this whole business as “instinctual”, “natural”, “normal”, and/or “just part of being a woman”. It’s NOT. This is partly semantics, of course. You could say that it’s “part of being an American woman,” and that would totally change the tone, because it would point out that the problem is culture-specific. I know this sounds nit-picky, but I just think this is so important, because it helps us get our minds in the place they need to be to unite against the problem. The minute we accept it as “just the way it is”, we also accept that it can’t be changed (to some extent), which is disempowering. If we frame it as something temporary and changeable, we feel more in control, more empowered. This is totally what we need! 😉
SIDE NOTE — Life changers:
– Read “The Beauty Myth” by Naomi Wolf. It’s a bit old, and the writing can be hard to follow, but Wolf takes you on a historical journey by explaining the various ways we have been culturally conditioned to place disproportionate value on “beauty”. If you read it with an open mind, this book can give you the strength to say, “NO. F*CK THAT. This is not ‘just how it is’. I’m not playing this f*cking game anymore!” and to say “buh-bye!” to those who do.
– Read “The Feminine Mystique”. This was the dilemma of our grandmother’s. Instead of beauty being the determinant of their value and “woman-ness”, it was their domestic prowess. I feel like this book is less relatable for young women simply because we never had this experience, but it is eerie how PERFECTLY the domesticity issue parallels the beauty one. I think it helps you see how the social power dynamics have played out over time. Plus, this author takes a more scientific approach, and her writing is quite clear and analytical.
– Get the heck out of this country and go somewhere where there are no advertisements. Stay there for an extended period of time, and only hang out with the locals. They will teach you so much. 🙂
Sorry for the super-long post, I went on a rant, I couldn't help myself!!!!
Also sorry for hogging the page :p* .. and for all the typos, lol. Well, thanks for listening!! I hope what I said helps some woman somewhere get through her day. 🙂
I absolutely love you all for all your support and amazing comments. You are all such amazing men and women, I can't help but tear up when I read your posts. Thank you so much for following my blog and being such amazing friends. Truly thank you
Hi there Juli! I came across this blog post via CrossFit Evolve's webstie. Girl, now MY tears are going to start flowing! Thank you for being so open and honest about your feelings and stuggles. As a "former" figure competitor, I understand the shift in mentality from "looking" a certain way to being strong and fit (and how it can really mess with your head!). I never felt like a true athlete when I was competing. I have contemplated giving Crossfit a try for a while, I think I would really dig it! Keep up the amazing work girl!
Thank you so much Jacqui! You definitely should try out crossfit! It has done amazing things for me mentally. It made me concentrate on strength instead of the mirror for once in my life. And made me concentrate on my lifts instead of the scale. Definitely a freeing feeling
WOW! I have never related to an blog post so much! I understand where you are coming from!!! I needed to read that this morning!!