Let’s just get down to the nitty gritty. I’m a ball of emotion right now. Straight up cluster f*ck. I tend to build all of my emotions inside until they are about to burst out my eyes, in turn bearing tears. And the tears sure came. Full force. Multiple times. For no apparent reason. My lord.
So why am I telling you this? Well, I have this wonderful friend named Ryan who has told me multiple times since the start of my blog to be as real as possible with my audience and they will appreciate it. Ok Ryan, sh*t is about to get real.
As I’ve entered my CrossFit life, I’ve changed a sh*t ton. I began dabbling in CrossFit on my own (in a globo gym) when my best friend Jon introduced me to it. I then began changing my diet. SLOWLY. I disregarded the fact that diet was the most important part to a lifestyle and thought exercise could hold me through. Obviously, I was wrong. So I took out most grains, then took out dairy, then took out grains altogether, then zoned, then paleoed, then paleo-zoned, then cut out all cheating, then added in paleo cheating. Wow, that was exhausting.
So my body changed A LOT during that time frame. I went from almost 160 pounds to 123, then back to 130 where I stuck for several months until I began to train for Sectionals this year. After going through a hard break up and getting below 120, I began to train harder and harder to be sure I would do my best through Sectionals. I also began gaining more and more weight. And I wasn’t sure why. My clothes started fitting tighter, my butt started getting back to it’s original 160lb size, and my face started to round out more and more. I was excited because I was getting stronger, but more uncomfortable because I was not my small frame I had come to know and become comfortable with.
I began not fitting into my clothes, not being able to shop anywhere because my legs were too big, and not wanting to even step foot in front of the mirror. I was incredibly uncomfortable with who I had become. I had never received more compliments in my life, but all I could think about was how I was “fat.” Oh yeah, I just went there. And the most frustrating part of it all, I was (and still am) working with amazing women every day who I am trying to inspire to be comfortable with themselves and to love every muscle on their body, all the while I’m crying at home wishing I looked different.
When Regionals rolled around, I finally felt normal again. I was around women who looked exactly like me. These women looked strong, their legs rubbed together just like mine, and they just oozed confidence. It was exactly what I needed. I needed a wake up call that how I looked was not disgusting, it was not abnormal, and it was not weird. It’s how I should look if I’m going to lift 205 pounds 45 times. It’s how I should look if I’m going to do 30 handstand push ups. It’s how I should look if I’m going to be THE BEST that I can be.
But this confidence is not something I have conquered as of yet. I still am challenged daily by it. I still look in the mirror and see the insignificant things. I still see the acne, I still see the cellulite, and I still see the lumpy areas that I will most likely always have. And I’m coming to terms with that. You know why? Because I’m stronger and faster than I ever have been. I am woding every day, keeping my body healthy, and providing a life that I would never have had if I hadn’t found CrossFit.
I have struggled all my life with self confidence. I have never once considered myself beautiful or strong. But I know one thing, I am passionate. I have the passion to find a way to become the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m not sure I even know what that person looks like. But I know she is strong, inside and out. And that strength I pursue daily will lead me in the right direction.
What direction do I want to pursue? A direction that leads me to personal excellence. I want to excel, I want to push through pain, and I want to change the world for the better. Whether that be through blogging about a recipe, inspiring someone in the gym, or pushing through a wod to hopefully someday better my chances at making it to the Games, I hope to change at least one person’s life in the meantime.
I want to strive to be a better person and I want to base that off of how many hearts I hit. I’m writing this blog not to complain, but to help someone out there who has the same struggles I have. As women, as CrossFitters, as paleo-enthusiasts, or as bloggers, all of us are looking at blogs for a reason. To connect. I hope that you are able to connect with me on a new level now that you better understand my inner demons. Just like strength is not conquered in a day, self satisfaction is not conquered in even a year. I blog because I love people and I love sharing my stories and recipes in hopes inspire one person to see themselves differently. To help someone cook something delicious, feel better on the inside, and let that feeling transfer over to how they present themselves daily…With confidence. With self excitement. And with self satisfaction.
Work hard. Every day. And never settle for less than your best. And with that,….do this with me–look in the mirror, tell yourself either “you are beautiful” or “you are amazing” and change your attitude for the day. Smile. Show the world what you have to offer. I’m about to go do that now.
I have read this post several times now because it speaks volumes to what I’m going through. A few years ago I lost 40 pounds due to dieting (weightwatchers). I had never felt better. Once I began CF almost a year ago, 10 of it I’ve put back on. I’ve dabbled in Paleo, but I don’t think long enough to see results.I CF 6 days a week, and do CF Endurance 3 days a week. I’m ready to get back into paleo full swing. Yet, I panic. Almost every day. My sister and boyfriend have been listening to me stress about my weight gain, until the other day, he went WAIT, you can’t deadlift 180lbs only weighing 140 dummy… quit freaking out, you look great. (Of course, I think he’s supposed to tell me this anyways..LOL). But, they are right and thankfully, he CF’s too. The number on the scale will ALWAYS freak me out. From being the fat kid to the strong, defined woman has been a tough transition. Knowing other people struggle helps me realize, it’s who just who I am turning in to. Thank you 🙂
Juli – I am so so so so glad I came across this post just now! I’ve read it a billion times in the last hour or so now purely because I am going through those emotions just this past week!! I got dressed for my WOD yesterday and it was a struggle to get my ass into my favorite working out pants! I felt totally deflated, I didn’t want to go and do the wod, I just wanted to sit on the floor and eat choc cashew nut butter. But I didn’t. I went. And I smashed the wod out. After reading this blog it now makes sense to me, I’m stronger in strength than I have ever been, so it’s no wonder I’ve got muscles now – and it’s no wonder in can’t fit into my small pants!! Time to upgrade my wardrobe and see it as a positive improvement 🙂 thanks Juli 🙂
I’m stalking again, go figure, and this just brought me to tears. I get emotional a lot. Thank you so much for posting this, albeit a while ago. I’ve already shared your AgainFaster thighs article to my whole uninterested facebook network and this one hits the same issue right on the head. I’ve struggled with my body for. so. long. First I wanted to be skinny fat. Then hardcore muscles ripped. Now, I just want to be the best I can be. Why? Skinny fat sucks. Plain and simple. Hardcore muscles ripped (think fake boobies and orange tans) isn’t practical. And me at the best I can be is beautiful. Even if I’m alone in that opinion. Thank you so so so much for being an inspiration to women (and men) everywhere. Signed, your creepy blog stalker Emily
Thank you for this post, after bodybuilding in a gym of all guys for the last 3 years I am strong and have a lot of muscle but tried to stay lean (ie figure competitors..) then I got very bored and didnt ever feel satisfied like i had given my all after workouts. Last year i switched completely to crossfit…i fell in love, its now my life! At home I was sad that my thighs now rubbed together and i was just bulkier in general, but there is no way i can stop crossfit. I have no other girls in my town even to connect w/ on fitness. I WOD w my husband and another guy friend, which is awesome and I love it, but they dont understand why in the world these things would bother me. Anyways your post made me tear up and i love it! You are awesome and an inspiration, and paleomg is the first blog i fell in love with back when i began paleo! Tree trunk legs FTW!
I can’t tell you how much I enjoy all your posts, but especially this one. This post really spoke to me on many levels. I am an ROTC cadet and will be an officer in May. I am currently ranked as one of the top cadets in the nation, based on leadership, grades, and (yay!) fitness. Although I can hold my own, and stand up to any guy who doesn’t think I can hang with them or be in the Army, one person I can never stand up to is myself. While I have been told by many evaluators that I exude confidence, I have always been extremely insecure about my weight and definition. Thanks for reminding me that having a body that can do 75 push ups in 2 minutes, do a 12 mile ruck in under 3 hours with 45 lbs, and get to jump out of planes is nothing to be ashamed of, I really needed this post today!
So, I realize that this is quite some time after your original post. However. after reading it, I felt like I wrote it. I am 5’3″, weighing about 125-130lbs (Ioving that it is mostly muscle these days) doing crossfit for about two years, I have been a tomboy all my life and have learned that I will never have skinny legs, butt or thighs.
I went through a divorce a few years ago, before CF, and got down to about 118 lbs and l looked ripped but knew I was not strong or healthy. YEAH, I could fit into a size 2 pants but I could not do much athletically compared to what I can do now. I love walking into the box and seeing women that are strong and healthy and beautiful, no matter what the shape or size. I love that we are redefining beautiful. You are pretty, funny and talented and I love that CF and paleo allows us to put that out there. I am at my heaviest weight ever and I feel stronger and healthier than I have ever been in my whole life. BOOOYAH!!!
Phew! I’m so relieved. I thought I was the only one having these problems. I too did the whole “get a bit pudgy, get really skinny, now CrossFitting 6 days/week” And I struggle with the same body issues. I know I’m strong and will continue getting stronger but when I look in the mirror all I see is BIG. I can’t fit into any of my jeans anymore and it can at times bring me to tears in fear that I’m getting fat again. I never want to express my insecurities with anyone because I know their response “Shut your filthy mouth Linds, you have a 6 pack!” I almost wish I could see my body through someone else’s eyes. Needless to say, I’m so thankful I can across this post. You encourage me to keep doing what I’m doing and be happy that now I have the body to beat boys up! 😀
Amen!
Thank you for candidly sharing your feelings both in this post and in your blog in general. I have only recently found your blog and have been inspired by your determination, sense of humour, inner and outer strength and confidence (at least outwardly). My story is too long, and probably boring, for this little comment box but to sum up the low point, I got so thin my body cannibalised my heart and eventually I was told the damage was irreprable and I was going to die (thankfully, not so, apparently). That was 13 years ago now and in that time I have gained so much strength physically and mentally. But still, there have been times when I have relished these changes rationally whilst still struggling with them on some other emotional level. Thank you again, Alex
Just came back to this post . . . I definitely needed the reminder that this happens to other women!!! It’s been so strange to see my body getting stronger and more toned and then not being able to fit into my old jeans! I pretty much want to live in spandex and sundresses for ever and ever. CrossFit = worth it, though. Times a million and two.