Why Having Kids Scares The Crap Out of Me – Episode 10: PaleOMG Uncensored Podcast

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Ever since I got married…no scratch that…ever since I got engaged, I’m constantly bombarded with questions from others if we are going to have kids or WHEN we are going to have kids. And every single time that topics is brought up to me, I instantly start sweating and get anxiety. It’s not a topic I take lightly. I don’t just say to myself, “Yeah, let’s have kids! That will be so fun and everything will be great!” No. I think through that kind of stuff. Because kids are forever. They don’t just go away. They rely on you to raise them, to wipe their bums, to help them become upstanding citizens. And at 28 years old, I’m just not ready for someone else to rely on me. That may be selfish, but I think selfish is the best thing to be until you are truly ready to become a selfless person who puts yourself second. And I’m just not there.

When I decided to make this a podcast episode, I wrote out a pros and cons list to having a baby. So here’s the quick rundown.

Pros

  1. My husband would be an awesome father

Cons

  1. You have to grow a child inside of you then birth it – and all the body and gross stuff that goes with it. I’ve worked very hard to become comfortable with who I am and how I physically look and it’s scary to lose some of that
  2. Fertility issues – I’ve seen so many friends go through it and it looks so incredibly challenging both mentally and physically
  3. Financially – children are expensive AF. Finally being able put money into a retirement account and feel more stable for the future is so great and it’s scary to let some of that go.
  4. You don’t get to sleep much with children
    • Lack of sleep leads to a tough relationship with your partner
    • Lack of sleep leads to issues with cortisol which can lead to weight issues
    • Lack of sleep just really sucks
  5. Less working out
    • I know this is a sketchy subject, I have just seen most of the people I know who used to workout religiously just not care as much about working out anymore. When they have the choice of working out or going home to their child, they obviously want to see their children. I know you can make it work, I just so often see people do the opposite, so that scares me.
  6. Changes to your relationship
    • I don’t personally know any people whose relationship has gotten stronger since they had children.
    • Stress to the relationship and different opinions about disciplining your children
  7. I work all the time and my husband does too – not sure how we would change that. Because I don’t want to work less and I don’t think he could. Which leads to more financial stress to hire a nanny.
  8. It’s your duty to raise an upstanding citizen, while not knowing what the hell you’re doing yourself.
    • What if you raise a serial killer?
    • What if they get in with the wrong crowd?
    • What if they don’t get their sh*t together and live with you FOREVER?!

I know this comes off as a really pessimistic way to look at things, but I’m just being realistic about it. I think it’s smart to think through these things because so often people just have children and the children aren’t raised in the best environment. I want to feel ready, be ready, and have way less on my cons list. I think more people should really think this sh*t out. Think how different our world would be if they did.

At the end of the day, who knows if I’ll someday want children. If I don’t, I think I will have an awesome life. If I do, I think I’ll have an awesome life. But in the meantime, I just want to hang out with my husband, save money, and do cool sh*t. But next time you’re about to ask a person if they are planning to have kids, remember that they may be going through these things that I listed above and it may not be something they want to talk about with you, let alone think about. So think before you ask.

Next week is another random questions episode so if you have any questions you’d like answered, no matter what the topic is, let me know! Just leave a comment below or on social media!

Episode 10 Transcription:

This is Juli Bauer from PaleOMG and you are listening to PaleOMG Uncensored.

Juli Bauer: Well hey there guys! How you doing today? Right now, I don’t know when the hell you’ll be listening to this, but for me this is the day after Thanksgiving. So I have still plenty of work to get done. But you know, I’m feeling like it’s the day after Thanksgiving, and I don’t want to f*cking do anything, ok? That’s how I feel today. But the show must go on. Sadly, the show is not going on, because I just failed really hard with muffins, because I forgot baking soda and baking powder. So they’re just blocks of thick goo. I mean, they’re still edible, but I’m going to try to stay away from them, you know, since I just ate Thanksgiving food yesterday, and I don’t need to be eating globs of sticky goo. Get my sh*t together.

So I hope your Thanksgiving was great. I hope that last weeks’ episode; we talked about how to eat healthy while traveling and during the holidays; I hope that helped a little bit. I think I personally kept my sh*t together pretty well. I only was a little bit full, but not crazy overly full. I just hate feeling overly full. You know when you feel like you can’t take a deep breath in; that is one of my least favorite feelings. So, I think I kept it together rather well. I did a workout in the morning yesterday, and a workout this morning. Combat it because I finished it with Thanksgiving leftover. So I don’t really know if that was pointless or not; whatever.

But Thanksgiving was good, and I hope yours was wonderful, and I hope you feel good afterwards, and you’re still kicking ass at life because; why does Thanksgiving need to be that time where you just feel awful? Nobody needs that. Nobody wants that, right? Right?!

Ok, let’s get into this today. I was going to say; that’s what I always do. Before my podcast, I’m kind of putting it off, and so I get on Facebook. And I don’t get on Facebook very often; like, my PaleOMG Facebook page. I tried to kind of skim it just in case there were any questions on the post that I posted; but I stay off of it pretty much because the trolls. Literally the worst trolls come out; come out of their little hidden troll world and out into the light. So I kind of stay away from Facebook, but of course I was putting off doing my podcast, and didn’t want to go do the laundry and didn’t want to vacuum; so I got on Facebook and then started reading. Some lady was just; she was on a tyrant. She was not happy about me posting a jacket photo. She was very, very unhappy with that fact and wanted it to be known. It’s just so strange. I don’t understand why people get so upset when I post something that’s helpful to others. It’s like; “Hey; do you need a new jacket? I found one that I love. Here’s an idea.” “Hey, do you need free recipes? Here’s 650.” Just always get so riled up on Facebook; it’s like the devil world. Do you think Facebook will ever go away? I don’t see it go anywhere, but I really wish it would. I really wish it would.

Anywho. She; I don’t think she had a very good Thanksgiving, because it was right around Thanksgiving. Her name was Breezy something; hopefully Breezy is back up and up, girlfriend. I hope you’re doing better. I hope you’re thankful and grateful for the world around you; not necessarily my post, but everyone else that surrounds you, hopefully in a positive way. Or I just hope you go away and not come to my Facebook anymore; thanks.

Anywho. Ok, this topic is just totes something I personally wanted to talk about, because it’s something on my mind all the time, mostly because of other people; thanks other people. But, it’s weird when you get married, people ask you all the time when you’re going to have kids. Or if you’re going to have kids, or if you’re pregnant. Those questions seem to get thrown around a lot. Especially at my gym, because the people at my gym know that I’m so not interested in that, and they know that it annoys me so they just bombard me with those types of comments and questions all the time, so it’s really quite lovely. It’s lovely.

But you know, what happens is you get married, and people think it’s ok to ask you questions about having sex and making a baby. People think that’s totally cool. I think it’s just people don’t know what else to talk about, so they just ask you that. It’s never like; “Yeah, you just got married. You have money; both of you are getting money, together, are you going to go on cool vacations? Are you going to do fun sh*t?” No. it always has to do with kids.

So, I’m going to kind of do that topic today. It’s more so of a therapeutic session; and it’s always nice when I get to talk to people who have gone through, or are going through, or feel the same way that I do, because I think society is a norm that you’re just expected to have kids and that’s what everybody did. I mean, obviously our parents did it, that’s we became people on this earth. So it’s just something that’s always thought about. I mean, I grew up thinking; I was like, ok, I’ll get married, have kids, and that’s that. Because that’s what I saw my parents doing.

But as I got older, I don’t really feel that way anymore. So society taught me something, and I don’t really feel like I have to follow society. As you get older, obviously, you feel that way. You’re like; “Oh, well my mom used to tell me I had to do this and I don’t actually have to do this. I can decide it on my own.” So as I grew up; I mean, thinking about myself, I hated childhood. I did not like being a child. It’s not like I had a bad upbringing; my parents were awesome. I grew up in a really amazing community, and I had great friends. I just did not like being a child. I wanted to make my own money, I wanted to live on my own, I wanted to do whatever I wanted to do. That’s how I always felt. I think I thought, “Oh yeah, I’ll have kids.” when I was a little kid.

But then as I got older, I was like; god, I just want to be an adult. I just want to be in my 30s, because 30s seemed like the coolest age. That’s what it always looked like to me. And I still feel that way; I can’t wait for my 30s, I think it’s just going to keep getting better and better over time; at least it has. So I just wanted to be an adult, and as I’ve gotten to become an adult, I’m like, “F*ck yeah, being an adult is awesome. You can do whatever you want. If you want something you can make it happen.” If I want to buy something, I will make it happen. I will make the money to buy that something. I can just do adult sh*t and I don’t have to tell anybody anything; I just do whatever the f*ck I want. It’s awesome.

And I was so awkward growing up; I hated school, I hated feeling awkward, I hated being made fun of. All those stages that a teenager has to go through; I think most teenagers go through; f*cking suck. They’re just the worst. School; I hated tests and I was always better at like hands on things, and I hated taking tests. I just didn’t like being a kid, so I couldn’t wait to grow up, and then when I grew up I was like, “F*ck yeah, this is awesome!” I kind of was like, ok well I’m probably not going to have kids, but who knows? I’m always like, “Who knows?” Because I also didn’t think I was going to get married, and then I met my husband, and boom, we’re married. So I’m never say never.

But when I first met my husband, when we were just dating, I told him right away that I didn’t know if I wanted to have kids, so if that was a big deal to him, I wasn’t the person for him. So I told him straight up right away, and he was always like; you know, I think kids would be awesome but I could see why not having kids would be great, too. So he can see it both ways. He’s 7 years older than me, so I think I feel that stress of like; well I don’t want him to feel like an old dad, but I know plenty of people who had kids later on in life and they don’t feel like old dads. But I just never wanted him to feel like that, so I made sure that if he wanted to have kids then he knew that I wasn’t the perfect person for him. So that was something we talked about right away, and he knows that now.

To me, all of his friends; because he’s 7 years older, all of his friends already have kids. Some of them have kids who are like 7 or 8. They have kids that are growing up faster and faster, so he just sees that as a normal thing. For me, none of my friends, my aged friends, I’m one of the first ones married, and a lot of them, most of them, don’t have kids at all or aren’t married. So I don’t feel in any sort of rush. My womb is not asking to have children. There’s no internal screaming for a child inside of it; it’s quite fine with just the internal organs it has.

So I don’t have that want. I don’t feel ready for it. But people constantly ask me, and they constantly mention Brian. They’re like, “Well do you think Brian…?” I’m like, ok, remember, he is my husband, not yours so it’s kind of something you should lay off of. But I get the question all the time, and it’s just people making conversation but it still gives me a lot of stress.

So, in a couple of podcasts back, I told my little love story with my husband and our kind of ups and downs, and I talked about our pros and cons list. So if you didn’t listen to that one, go back and listen to it! Come on, start from the beginning. Who starts from the top and then works their way down? Come on. Come on man. I do that sometimes, but whatever.

So I talked about our pros and cons list with my husband, with our dating, with relationships. We talked about our pros and cons with each other, and we worked through and see if we could get through all of those cons. If we could work through those cons, and it was a huge relationship building mechanism for us, and it made our relationship so much better, and it’s been f*cking awesome since then. We still have our little fights, but the communication is so much better and we worked through all those issues.

So I was like; ok, maybe I’ll put together a pros and cons list. And it was really for this podcast, but I can keep this on my computer, and then go back to it if my womb ever calls for a child; I can say, ok let’s weigh out the pros and cons. And then I can figure it out there. And I wish more people would do that. Obviously, there are a lot of children born into this world, and people don’t really think about all the pros and cons, and think about how hard it’s going to be because, you can say whatever you want, but we all know raising a child is really f*cking hard and it’s really demanding. So you have to be completely ready for that. So more people should write out their pros and cons, and should really decide and look into every single facet of it; so that’s what I did. Yeah, let’s talk about it. I hope you like these pros and cons, because you most likely want. But don’t eat me. No, you can say whatever the f*ck you want.

Ok, pros. Let’s talk about the pros. Actually, it’s one pro. You guys I have one pro on my pros and cons list. And it is, Brian would be an awesome dad. And honestly, I would probably be a really good mom because I would love it so damn much. I never liked dogs, and then I got Jackson, and I would do anything for this dog. Thinking about that I’ll only have him for probably 15 years aches me to my core; and it’s a dog, you guys. It’s a dog. So if I had a child; oh my gosh, I would be probably an awesome mom. But Brian would be an awesome dad. He’s just so great and he loves kids; he loves his friends little kids, and he’s a cool guy, and he loves outdoor sports, so he would be so awesome. But that’s all I got guys. That’s literally all I have. That’s all I have for you.

Let’s go on to the cons then, because that’s two pages. So, ok. Starting with the cons of having a child. You have to grow that child inside of you. Obviously there are other options; you can adopt, you can have someone grow it for you. But we’re just saying, this option. Growing a child inside of you. First of all, that’s a real f*ck of your hormones. If you haven’t seen; oh my god, yeah recently there was a women. I heard this on the news, on the radio; a woman who was 5 months pregnant and poured boiling water on top of her boyfriend’s head because he was not paying enough attention to her. Sure, that b*tch is already crazy, but hormones really f*ck a person up. So not only does it f*ck up your mind; because based on my birth control experience; no need to email me and tell me about birth control alternatives or whatever, that’s fine. But birth control sent me in a spiral once, and my poor husband who had just married me, poor guy, was freaking out. But never once did I pour boiling water on my husband’s head. Because I know how to utilize my brain correctly.

But anyways, hormones really f*ck you up. And they also change other things. It ages you differently; your skin changes, body changes. So a lot of people get stretch marks. Most people their skin stretches out, because hello you’re growing a child. So then you have this little extra skin. And I know you’re like; you know, you just don’t care. And I get it, you have a child and you’re like; “F*ck yeah, I grew this child inside of me. This is a huge deal, I don’t care about this extra skin.” But me, who was incredibly, incredibly insecure; out of f*cking control insecure, and is just at 28 years old in the past year or two been able to control those insecurities and not felt insecure. Taking 10 steps back, when I’ve been working really, really hard to change my body and change my perception on myself; that’s really scary to me. So I get it, that you just maybe don’t care once you have your baby; you don’t care about those little scars, or those stretch marks or whatever, but that to me is really scary.

And I mean, what about scars? Like a C-section scar? You’ve got to go in a for a C-section. And I get it; it’s small, it’s hidden, whatever. But nobody loves scars. And then, hello?! Don’t act like all vaginas are the same. I talked about this; I talked about this maybe on my first episode, when I was listening to; what is it, Anna Farris, Unqualified, I think that’s her podcast. And she was talking to Olivia Munn, and Olivia Munn was saying maybe she didn’t know if she wanted to have kids, I think, and she’s talking about her friends, and her friends are telling her what their vagina looked like afterwards, and that’s a really scary thing, you guys. Nobody talks about this sh*t, and they were saying that it looks like there’s another vagina on top of the vagina.

Let’s picture that for a second. Take a moment; if you’re driving, pull over. Don’t get in a car accident. Just picture that. That’s very scary. And nobody talks about that. Yeah, sure, vagina is a muscle, it goes back to normal. But does it? Because nobody is going to admit; “Oh my vagina is disgusting now.” No, nobody says that. Hello. People keep that sh*t to themselves. But that’s scary. Just saying.

Another thing with having a child in the beginning; dying in childbirth. I know, this is rare now a days, we have modern medicine. But recently, just this, pretty much the same day as my wedding in April, one of my friends who was supposed to be in the wedding, but she got pregnant, what the hell, she wasn’t even thinking about me; b*tch. So she almost died in childbirth! Crazy, crazy fluke thing, and we almost lost her. And she lost almost all her blood! F*cking crazy sh*t. She had to be flight for lifed; insane. That’s really scary. She’s fine now, but that’s really scary, ok.

Oh my gosh; this, I can’t even believe I wrote this one down, but we’ve been talking vaginas freely, we might as well talk about the penis. So, I just never really even thought about this, but I was watching the HBO show, Shameless, and if you haven’t watched that show I don’t know what the hell you’re doing with your life, you absolutely need to, it’s f*cking awesome. I love that show so much, I really don’t like watching any other show on TV. If you don’t like my cussing here, you will not like that show. It’s out of control, it’s awesome. But there’s like a 14-year-old kid on there, and he is talking to her girlfriend, and she says how she doesn’t want to mess around with him because he’s not circumcised and it looks different than other ones. And he’s so bummed, so he goes and he gets circumcised himself, and he’s pissed that he wasn’t circumcised; whatever, whatever. So I just never thought about that; that was just something that was completely unknown, because I’m a girl, and I don’t have brothers, and I’ve just never had to deal with that thought process, thank god.

So I started to ask my friend, who just had a boy what she did. And then she starts talking about how they can always mess it up when they circumcise a child, and they can always decide later if they want to; but it’s better in sex, and all kinds of different things. And most people aren’t circumcising their children anymore; it’s like a thing of the past. I don’t know! But oh, what a pressure, to decide if your child is circumcised or not, because what if they hate you for it later and they have to get circumcised as an adult? That’s a lot of pressure, man. That’s a lot of pressure on you in deciding your child’s penis fate. Yep, that’s on the cons list.

Ok, so let’s talk about financials. First of all, how much does a kid; what does a child cost over 18 years? And honestly, I would want to pay for my children’s college, so 22 years? That’s a lot of f*cking money. A lot of money. And that’s not even including probably big trips. My friends just went on a trip, and they have two kids; wife and husband, and they spent probably over $10,000 to go to Disney World or Disney Land or whatever the hell the difference is. That’s so much money! So much money. And I get those are vacations that you’ll never get back and the memories are amazing; but holy sh*t, that’s a lot of f*cking money! And then you have to do clothing, and school, and presents, and sports, and everything on top of that. That’s so much money; I honestly don’t get how people have multiple children and pay for things! I don’t get it. And everybody says, “You just make it work. It all works out, you make it work.” And it’s like; well, that’s a big financial burden.

And I get it; you love your child, I get it. I’m not putting people down who love their children, but it’s just something that I think about when I finally make money for myself with my husband, and then it all goes towards diapers! Someone’s just sh*tting in it! That’s hard, right? That’s a hard thing. And then, of course, I personally want to pay for college. You don’t have to do that for your children, but I think it would be awesome to at least pay for part of it, or all of their college, if possible. If you have more than one child, that’s pretty hard depending on your financial situation, you know? So financial stuff is really scary.

And I get this; I actually have heard this multiple times, and even my friend said it just maybe yesterday or the day before, when kids have come up, and it’s like; well, you know, I’m scared. Or they’ll ask me; “who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?” Why would I even think that? I’m going to have children so somebody can take care of me and wipe my ass when I’m old? No, I’m not going to have children for that reason. That’s a really f*cked up reason. But I can say that if I don’t have children, I can save a lot of money to put myself in awesome old folks’ home when that does happen. So, balance it out here. Balance it out.

So here’s another one; the child relies completely on you. And you don’t get much sleep when you have one. So they cry a lot, which means you don’t sleep, and I talked about weight; it’s scary with pregnancy and how your body changes, and sleep plays a big role in your cortisol levels, which helps regulate your weight. So when you’re f*cking up your sleep schedule, you can’t really lose weight, and your having a harder time with your weight; that’s scary! And you don’t really think about that. You think that you’re not sleeping, but I think about it as like; this isn’t good for my overall body. And you’re just not yourself. Yeah. And kids are really dirty. We moved into our new gym space; and at our old gym he used to let dogs in, and then he made a no dog rule, but the gym owner has two kids. I know sure as f*ck my dog is cleaner than those two kids. I can tell you that much. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Kids are dirty.

Ok, we’re keeping going guys. Here’s another scary thing, because this is my total life; less working out. Sure, I’ve had so many women in my gym who worked out their entire pregnancy, and have been awesome, and then after they have kids they’re not able to as much because; say you work all day, and you either can go home to your child, or you can go to the gym. People are going to pick their children, duh! You want to hang out with your kids. And so I get it, you just have to make time. I’ve just seen so many people who used to be hard core gym people just really take a step back from the gym, and I don’t want to lose that. That’s something that I strongly believe in, and I’m really scared to lose that, because that’s really important to me. So I guess you just make it work, but I’ve just seen so many other people do the opposite. So that’s hard.

Another thing that’s huge for us, and everybody’s situation is different, but I work all the time, and that’s my job is constantly online, it’s constantly on my phone. My husband works all the time, too. He works Monday through Saturday. He’s always at his job. He travels, I travel, and I don’t know how he’d be able to change his schedule to work less, and I would have to hire a nanny to take care of the child so I could get my work done at home, and then I would feel guilty about paying someone to take care of my kid when I could still make it work, but not really. And one of my friends; she has a 2-year-old, and she has twins coming later this year. They were telling us that their daycare bill is going to be $3800 a month for those three kids. That’s $46,000; almost $46,000 per year. That’s easily someone’s salary! That’s so crazy! And that’s just for daycare. So I’m guessing she’ll be forced to be a stay at home mom, to save money, but how do you keep your sanity too? I could just never watch a child and get all my work done, and my work is really important to me and I love it so much. So that would be a hard balance act of him working all the time, me working all the time, us both getting our workouts in. and people do it; I get it. People do it. It’s just scary when you’re really content and happy with your life.

Another thing is like, it’s your duty as that parent to raise an upstanding citizen. And that’s an intense thing to take on. Children are forever; you can get out of the house you live in, you can get out of the relationship you’re in; whatever, you can get out of your job, but children, they are forever. Forever. And I was just listening to a podcast called Sword and Scale, and they just have; they have really f*cked up stories. But this one was about the Craigslist killer, if you guys remember the Craigslist killer. His parents were completely standing by him; they were like, no way did he do this. And he killed a person, and he almost killed others. Oh doggie has to go out. This guy. Sorry about that, he had to use the restroom.

So what if you raise a serial killer? Or just a killer in general, even if they just killed once. Like, hey-o, that f*cking sucks. And then you have to live with that for the rest of your life and then wonder what you did wrong. This kid was engaged, he was a medical student; nobody would have guessed. And then he killed people. What the f*ck! You have to live with that forever as a parent. It’s terrible. So I’m always kind of scared that I’ll have a serial killer as my child. But you know, maybe it’s not even your fault. Hopefully. Kids get in with the wrong crowd. There are many times in my life where I was hanging out with the wrong people. Luckily, I was never in too big of trouble, didn’t make too big of sh*tty decisions, but it’s so easy to get in with the wrong crowd and do the wrong sh*t. and yeah, that’s your child, even though you raise them a certain way; hey, they made bad decisions and they have to live with it now. That sucks. And you have to live with it; not just them.

And then, you know; kids don’t always just live with you for 18 years. I know multiple people who have had to move back home after college, and hang out there for a while. So what if you have a kid who is just not motivated, either? What the f*ck? Scary. And I always get really scared about school systems. Not scared, but we just don’t have good school systems near us, so it’s like; do you have to move, and move to a better school system? I know my parents did that when I was a little good for a good elementary school, but then I had like a sh*tty high school. I turned out ok. I think most people think “Ok.” Some people disagree with me on Facebook, but you know, “Ok.” But then it’s also scary; think about illness, or accidents, or just those scary things that I’ve seen people lose children. That must be the worst feeling that you could ever feel in your entire life, and that’s really scary to know that that could happen to you one day. So that really scares the sh*t out of me. I can’t help it; it just does. Those are just all the few minor things that run through my head every single time someone asks me if I’m going to have kids.

Oh, and! I didn’t even mention infertility. I have friends going through IVF right now, and they’ve been trying to have kids for two years; and before, they didn’t even know if they wanted to have kids, and then they were like; fine, let’s do it, let’s decide to have kids. And then they wanted it to so bad, and spend 2.5 years of not being able to have a kid. And going through all that hard, hard stuff; not only on you, but on your relationship. And even if you have a kid, all the relationship ups and downs. I know that me and my husband would discipline a child differently. And not that either one is correct, but I just know we’d have different opinions about that, and that’s hard on your relationship. I get so many questions; people asking me when I’m going to have kids, and these are from people who have kids, but never do they have amazing stories about how awesome having kids is. They say it’s the most love you’ll ever feel in your life, and I 100% don’t doubt that; it must be such a f*cking crazy feeling to adopt or have your first child, and that is your child to take care of. It must be the most heartwarming feeling; and I get that.

But so often, more often than not, I see people very unhappy being in that life. And they ask me about it, and I’m like; you just told me the worst story about how your kids are sick and they were throwing up all night, and then you’re probably getting sick. All those not fun stores, and then they’re like; so when you are going to do it? I’m like what? How are you trying to talk me into this, and it just seems like the worst all the time. And relationships have a hard time. My husband and I just got married, whatever, 6 months ago; why would I want to change that relationship any time soon? It is f*cking awesome, I don’t want to change that.

I think I just need to come up with a better tactic of how to answer that question. Maybe make people feel really bad with my answer. But it’s just an inappropriate question. Maybe I’ll just say, hey we’ll figure it out. I don’t know; I don’t know. Just say; you know, the lives we’ve made together just isn’t good enough yet, so we’re just going to make it better. I don’t know; some sh*t like that, where you’re like, I’m just going to keep saving my money and do cool-ass sh*t with it. Who doesn’t want to do cool-ass sh*t, and you just can’t always do that cool-ass sh*t. you can’t just get up and leave because you have a child there. Whatever, people make it work, but I’m a pretty stressful person, so I don’t know. I just don’t know! It’s just crazy.

If it weren’t for other people, I would never even think about this kind of stuff. It wouldn’t even cross my mind, because my husband and I are in such a great place. We got married, we bought our first home, we have our first dog, we’re getting a hot tub soon, we’re planning a trip to Costa Rica. We have cool sh*t on the agenda, and I know more cool sh*t is going to come up as we age, and more opportunities for other things; we can travel to so many places that we want to at this point, so why give that up. I’m not saying you have to give that up, it’s just you have to make changes that you wouldn’t necessarily have to change if you were not having babies. I just like what I’m doing now. I don’t know, that’s how I feel. It just sucks to have to feel that way all the time. Because my husband is not getting the same amount of questions that I’m getting, that’s for f*cking sure. I’m getting all the questions, and it doesn’t stress him out. He doesn’t have to house a child inside of him. He’s like; yeah, cool.

If I was like, “Hey, should we have kids?” He’d be like, “Sure. Whatever. That’s cool.” That’s how chill he is. To me, if he’s like, “hey do you want to have kids?” “Here’s my cons list, it’s 2 pages long hun. Read through it and get back to me.” That’s what I’d have to say to him.

So anyways. That’s my visual on having kids, and you know, I think more people should keep that in mind when you’re asking someone if they want to have kids, I just found out friends have been trying for even longer. My other friends have been trying for even longer than 2 years, and she’s not fertile. You would never know that unless you ask that or unless she gave that information up, but you pressuring; like, “When are you guys having kids?” And then she has to be, struck with that thought again. That’s really rude. So I think people should be more conscious of those questions, and keep that sh*t in mind, because you have no idea what people are going through mentally or physically. Or in their own household, either. So keep your f*cking thoughts to yourself, people! Dammit.

That’s all I have to say about that. I wish it was all butterflies and fairy tales, but I’m just f*cking realist over here, just putting real thoughts into the world. And maybe then other people with think about things, you know. Maybe you’ll think about; “Hey, maybe we should make a pros and cons list,” and, “Oh, maybe we’re still on the cons side, so maybe we should wait another year until we bring a child, so we can bring him into the best environment possible.” Right? You want to raise your child in the best environment possible. And have the best relationship with your child, too. F*ck, that sh*t is stressful. I’m just stressed out now, guys. Post Thanksgiving stress going on.

So that’s all I have to say about babies. I hope some of you can relate to this. Or some of you can; I mean, there’s nothing you can really do to help me out with this topic. But you never know; maybe in a couple of years; my owner of my gym did bet me that I’ll be pregnant a year from now. A year from Thanksgiving. He bet me $100, so I’m going to win that f*cking $100 that dumbass. Because this vagina is not turning into a double vagina any time soon. Please and thank you.

So anyways, that’s all I have to say about that. Next week I was going to do some reader questions. I did this on the 5th episode. I did just random reader questions, so whatever it was. So maybe it was fashion related, fitness, anything; I let people ask questions. So I’m going to do the same here. So if you have any questions, just go to www.PaleOMG.com. That’s where I share all kinds of sh*t; I share this podcast every week on there, so you can just click on this episode and leave a comment there. But you can always reach out to me on social media. Please don’t Facebook me, because you’re probably a troll. But you can totally reach out to me on other social media, like Instagram, because that’s just nice people hang out. You know, just nice people! So reach out to me there, and any questions you have. They don’t have to be baby related. You know, I’d actually prefer them not to be baby related, because I have no answers for that.

But if you have any other questions, whatever it may be, even if it’s like, “Hey, do you like Serial?” Well duh, I’m a f*cking human being, of course I like Serial. That was a bad example, but random questions, whatever you have. Please ask them, because I like doing those episodes. I think they’re really fun. And they bring up a ton of fun topic conversations that wouldn’t have gotten brought up if I didn’t ask that. So I’ll see you guys next week. I hope this topic has been therapeutic for you, because it didn’t really do any therapy for me. But you know, I’m still kicking it. Still kicking it in this house that we bought and putting savings into our 401K, or whatever the hell retirement is since I don’t get a 401K from www.PaleOMG.com, but whatever it’s called.

Anyways. I love your little faces, I can’t believe you even listen to my podcast. You’re the greatest humans ever, and it’s been real. It’s been wonderful this week. Somebody recommended that I do a podcast with Claire and Joy from Girls Gone WOD, and I f*cking love that idea because they are such cool human beings. So that’s probably the only people I’m going to record with. But, someday, maybe I’ll record with others. Until then I’ll just be talking about topics that nobody else will actually talk about. Like double vaginas.

So it’s been real guys. I hope you have a wonderful day. Do something cool today; do something nice for others. Leave a nice comment on social media. Do not be a negative; oh my god, you guys, wait one last. I’m sorry I’m talking about trolls, but it just always weighs heavy on my mind when it happens. This woman the other day on my Instagram was talking about my weight. Let’s first off; I clicked on her profile, I think she had two daughters, and this grown woman is talking about another woman’s weight on social media. What a great; oh man. Those poor children.

But she was talking about my weight, and saying that she missed when I was heavier; when I was like 30 pounds heavier when I was competing in Crossfit, and she hates that I’m “skinny” now. But remember, guys. Talking about someone else’s weight is something you should never do. We always think thoughts in our head, but use your brain and hold it in there. Don’t talk about someone’s weight.

This is what I’d like you to do. Go on to social media, and someone you follow, thank them for something they gave you; maybe a recipe, or inspiration in a workout, or fashion inspiration, or they gave you maybe baby food. If you’re a person who likes children, and they gave you a baby food recipe you could make at home. Thank those people; give them positive comments because you have no idea what they’re probably getting that you don’t always see. So share a positive comment with someone; spread the positivity, no matter what it is. Just be nice, and be a good influence to your children, if you do have daughters, especially. Do not comment on someone’s weight; in person, online, no trolling allowed, no matter what. Am I right, or am I right? Bullying is the worst. Adult bullying is the worstest.

So anyways. That’s all I got today guys. I don’t know if I ended it on a high note; I think I ended it on a pretty shitty note. But remember, leave your comments or questions on www.PaleOMG.com. I have a tone of recipes there if you’ve never been to my blog. I share my recipes, I share my workouts, and I share my fashion there. So I share all kinds of fun stuff with you guys, and I’m always coming up with new fun stuff, and it’s all free stuff to you. So come support me over there, and I’ll support your little cute faces and squish you and give you little kisses because you’re cute! Ok, that’s it, that’s it. I’m ending it. It’s been real guys. Hope you have a great day. Hope you kick ass at life. Go spread the positivity. X’s and O’s. Ok bye!!

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Oh, Hi! I’m Juli.

I’m a food hoarder. And a really bad dancer. If you don’t know me well, you will probably not understand my humor. Therefore, I apologize ahead of time. Thanks for listening to my ramblings of my ever-changing life and trusting my kitchen mishaps. Your trust in me is appreciated.

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116 thoughts on “Why Having Kids Scares The Crap Out of Me – Episode 10: PaleOMG Uncensored Podcast”

  1. YES why don’t more people think before they ask?! And when I voice to some people it’s a bit rude to ask other people (not a person that has asked me – I hate confrontation) without knowing what they might be going through – they look at me like I have 10 heads.

  2. Yes it is very rude to ask. Even when people are joking it still makes you feel uncomfortable. You do you as having kids will change a lot of things.
    Honestly though, you can scrap some of the cons. There is no reason why you can’t have your body back after having a child. It just takes a bit more effort and planning, and an understanding husband who will give you some time to yourself 5 days a week to workout. Having that time to yourself is just as important for you emotional wellbeing as your figure, and will make you a better mother. Also, there are some hot mommas out there!
    For the pro’s, I’m sure you would make a wonderful mom if having kids is what you eventually decide to do. Also, as any mother would know, words can’t explain how much love you have for your own children. No matter how exhausted, emotional or isolated having a baby can make you feel, I don’t regret it for a split second and am so grateful for having this little person in my life.

    1. This is a totally positive attitude and I don’t mean to seem negative, but it’s not necessarily true that you can totally have your body back after having children. I would have said the exact same thing after having the first one, and again after having the second. After the third, though, it’s clear that my body is never going back to how it was. (Not that I think that three is some magic number, just that for me that happened to be the time that the damage was done.) Maybe I will find a strategy for fixing the core muscles that are damaged, but it is also connective tissue that gets damaged, and getting back to my pre-baby weight hasn’t solved the problem. So, I’m not saying this is a reason not to have kids, just that Juli is being reasonable in worrying that things could happen that would be stressful and maybe everything would not go back to how it was before.

      It’s also true that (at least according to relationship research) having children does make you less happy while you are raising them – it pays you back for this reduction in day-to-day happiness in future happiness (when they are grown), and also makes your life more “meaningful.” But that isn’t something everyone wants, and there’s no rule that you have to do it, now or ever!

  3. I LOVE THIS. Even though no one should EVER have to explain such a personal decison to ANYONE, not a family member, friend, or stranger, you do so in a way that is reasonable, logical, and 1000% commendable. Congratulations on making the best decision for you and your relationship instead of doing what society “tells” you to do. Thanks for being you!

  4. This is an awesome post! I have an 11-mo-old and up until we got pregnant, I had pretty much the exact same list going. I’m a runner and the thought of taking two years off to be pregnant and then breastfeed sounded like too much of a commitment to me. I told my husband that we could get pregnant once I ran the Boston Marathon. I thought there was a good chance that we’d have some fertility issues since I was in my 30s and a runner, but nope, we got pregnant the month I ran Boston. I’m not going to lie, I did not love being pregnant. I was active throughout my pregnancy, but wasn’t able to run and just didn’t feel like myself. I cannot even express how much my life and perspective changed with having our daughter. Giving birth was one of the most empowering things that I’ve ever done. Having this little life entrusted to me is so humbling and has brought unimaginable joy to both me and my husband. It’s been tough on our marriage, but we have found a more authentic need and appreciation and love for each other than before. I started Crossfit for the first time when my daughter was a few months old and (shockingly) feel better about my body now than I did before getting pregnant! I have visible abs for the first time ever – the human body is an incredible thing. Totally agree with what Kate said about making time for yourself – it is needed both physically and emotionally as a mother. All this to say, your “cons” are real, but the feeling of having a child makes working through those worth it. People say you’re never really ready to have a baby, but I don’t think that’s true. I waited until I was 33 to get pregnant and don’t regret it.

  5. Yes, yes, YES! This is exactly how my husband and I feel! We have been married 3 years and love our life together. We have 3 beautiful nieces that we love and adore but we are not ready to have children ourselves and that’s totally ok! It isn’t always right for everyone and it’s ok to wait and think about it. Very smart actually. I hate when people ask about us or others having children. You have no idea what someone is going through or the reasoning behind their decision. Thank you for this post and your blog and cookbook! 🙂

  6. LOVEEEEE this! I’m about to be 30 and have been with my husband for almost a decade! I’ve been getting asked this question for like 9 years now. I’m perfectly happy and content right now with my 3 dogs and cat and traveling all over doing whatever the F I want! And I totally get not wanting to destroy your body you’ve worked so hard for! People suck and if this makes me selfish so be it, but I actually think popping out a kid because I’m “supposed” to and not mentally, emotionally or financially prepared is actually what’s selfish.

  7. What a great post!! I felt EXACTLY the same way for about 2 years after getting married. Like some of the things you said in your podcast came out of my mouth as well. My pro list finally got bigger than my con list about a year ago and I have A five-month-old child now. She was born into a loving family that was actually ready to have her. I was able to run the Boston Marathon before having her , travel to Europe before having her, do lots of things that I probably won’t be able to do now.
    That being said, I am able to still work out and run like I did before. It just happens to be at 5 o’clock in the morning now. You’re a list maker and seem to be pretty scheduled – if you want to do it you absolutely can. Also I look better now than I did before I got pregnant – God bless breast-feeding. It makes you burn calories like a furnace. One of my biggest fears about getting pregnant was losing control of my body during the pregnancy and then after the pregnancy. I feel more in control now than I did before, and more in awe of what my body is capable of.
    Hopefully those positives make you feel a little better, keep in mind that I was about as negative as they come a couple of years ago.

    But girl, if you don’t want to do it – don’t do it! Thank you for posting this it makes me feel better about how I used to feel.

  8. I am 41 and still very happily not a parent. The promises that “I would change my mind” were flat out wrong, and I always find that statement to be a little condescending. I know what I want for my life better than my aunt who lives 3 states away, my hair stylist, and my dry cleaner, thank you very much.
    I don’t think you are selfish. You are ambitious, and there is nothing wrong with that. You aren’t ready to back off of your goals, and there is nothing wrong with that. Selfish would be choosing to bring a child into the world when you aren’t ready to commit to such an important responsibility. If you never get to that point, you still aren’t selfish, you just get joy and fulfillment from something other than motherhood. Parenting isn’t for every woman, and it isn’t for every couple.
    Would you be the most adorable pregnant person? Probably. But the choice is ultimately yours, not other’s opinions about what will make you happy and fulfilled. And like you said, you will have a great life either way. You do you!

  9. I think it’s amazing that you’ve thought about all of this!! Whether or not you choose to have children I just want to encourage you. It is tremendous responsibility but you don’t have to sacrifice who you are if you become a mother. I’m a physician, wife, mom of 2 (soon to be 3), and Crossfitter. It does take some compromise but you can figure out what works for you and your husband! I was scared about ALL the same things but it just works out. Sometimes life gets messier (literally and figuratively) than pre-kids but that’s been good for me too 🙂

  10. Thank you for sharing this post! I wish more people were open about their hesitancies with having children. I am a long time reader and first time commenter but this subject really hits a chord with me. I never wanted children myself but ended up getting pregnant with my daughter when I was very young and she is now 8 years old. Let me preface this by saying, I love my daughter more than anything in the world and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. However, if you start out not wanting kids, you fight an uphill battle constantly. Your feelings don’t just magically change once you have a child like is so often said. The majority of my daughter’s life I have struggled to be a good mother, struggled to put her first and struggled with all the things that come along with being a parent that I dislike. If you don’t feel like kids are something you truly want, know that it’s okay to not have them. Life can be extremely fulfilling with just you and your partner and it would be a shame to bring a child into this world that wasn’t completely wanted. That being said, I know many people who have changed their feelings once they became parents, but it is truly a decision that you and your husband will have to make together and not worry about anyone else’s opinion.
    Anyways, you are totally awesome and your blog is my absolute favorite! I truly enjoy your honesty, your humor and your recipes are amazing. Thank you for being an inspiration to so many women out there!

  11. You got my attention. I had to listen because I am struggling with infertility. I was diagnosed with PCOS and she is a dirty bitch. My hair has thinned dramatically, I struggle with acne and ovarian cysts. It’s a nightmare. I wish more people would be as open and candid about this topic. I think women are scared to talk negatively about motherhood, but it honestly isn’t for everyone. I’m not to the point I want to give up trying yet but I do feel like the process has robbed me of who I am. It’s stressful and upsetting.

    **Anyhow, I did stick to a good workout routine about a year ago, but this year has been stressful and I am lacking motivation. Tips on how to light a fire under my ass? I know it would help my overall wellbeing.

    Shameless is the best btw.

  12. Everything you said is how I feel to a T. It’s nice hearing it from someone else because everyone else thinks it’s crazy to not automatically want to have kids. I’m 34 and single, but definitely not in a rush to have kids or maybe ever.

  13. Hi Juli, I loved your podcast and can truly relate. I am 54 and have never had children – purely my decision. Like you I believe I would have been a great mom, but the desire was never there. Even as a child I never played with dolls. For whatever reason, people never bothered me in terms of asking when I would have a baby.

    I have enjoyed my life and have never ever regretted my decision. I didn’t want the work associated with raising a child and loved doing my own thing and also didn’t want someone so dependent upon me. Some may see that as selfish but it is my life and that’s the way I decided to live it. Plus my boobs are still perky! In terms of people saying who would take care of you – seriously? That’s the wrong reason to have a child and there are no guarantees.

    I say do what feels right to you and Brian. You don’t have to explain your thinking to anyone and it’s totally wrong for people to be asking. So many people have children because of societal pressure.

    Love your podcasts and recipes. I just received your newest book and have been cooking a lot. I just recently turned Paleo and feel awesome and you’ve made it so much easier. Thank you!!

  14. Thank you for doing a podcast on this topic!! I agonize over this subject constantly with my husband. It’s so helpful to know I’m not the only one struggling with this decision. We just got married in June and love just hanging out with each other and our amazing dog-daughter. Thanks for all you do, Julie!!

  15. Holy shit! I’m 42 (Hubs is 45) and you took the words right out of our mouths. We’ve been married 15 years plus and just assumed we would have children. Then we had several family tragedies that rocked our world and we spent years just putting one foot in front of the other.

    And although only one friend has been divorced, and we are surrounded by good marriages and parents, couples that have kids fight more than we do, they come close to splitting up a lot, they don’t look like they’re having a lot of fun. They’re exhausted and struggling with their weight and health issues.

    We are obsessed with being Auntie and Uncle. In fact, being an Auntie is the number joy in my life (despite being an entrepreneur). So although I have moments when I wonder if we missed out, I remember how many kiddos we have in our lives (and at our home weekly), yet our time and money is still our own.

    Thank you for being so honest. Beside myself, I’ve never heard anyone utter the same.

  16. oH, MY sARAH! Such a nice post/reply. It’s educate and respectful. I mean, you were able to write your point of view (story) in a very nice way. I love when people can express their thoughts and feelings in a peaceful way… way to go!

    1. thanks, cynthia! i don’t know if everyone took it like that, but i wasn’t going after people who have children, just talking about why i question it! so thank you!

  17. Love Shameless and I only can watch it when I’m dogsitting and so I am one season and 10min behind! I freaking missed the last 10 min when I THINK Fiona was getting married. what the shit?!?! I need to get cable. Anyways, 2 questions. I’m trying to not eat gluten or dairy (love the sheeps milk yogurt you eat) and I feel way more awesome when I succeed in doing so. BUT I love beer and the occasional casserole my mom makes at Christmas with boat loads of chez in it. There are also times when I feel like gluten in unavoidable and I have to eat it or ill become hangry and die. Like if my inlaws are making pasta for family dinner night, I feel like I can’t say, “oh I’m going to be an arsehole and not eat your homemade pasta that you slaved about making all day”. When those instances happen, do you have any experience or suggestions about taking or not taking a supplement to help digestive support for gluten, phenol, lactose, and casein? AKA something like Glutenease or Digest Spectrum from WholeFoods? Or are those just simple digestive enzymes in which I take already? I’ve also heard that it takes 6 months for your body to be rid of gluten. is that true? Am I screwing my ass up everytime I “cheat” on my gluten or dairy restriction?

    My other question is what were the differences in the 2 eyebrow treatments you did? I know microblading looks bomb, but what was that other one you did shortly after? I remember seeing a snap or insta-story about it. I’m also in Denver and want to get that shit done! Grassy-ass!

  18. Agreed. It was refreshing to hear someone else bring up all these questions with having a kid (that I ask myself). To add to the cons list–what about the fact that life in general is hard–there are joyous times, yes–but also times of intense suffering. Why would you bring a kid into the world knowing the suffering they will endure? That is not a judgement but a real question I would like to discuss with people more.

    Thanks for all the content you put out, I look forward to it!

  19. I’m so glad you can share your honesty on what seems to be a touchy subject!! I wish it wasn’t though. I don’t ever ask strangers, but I do ask people I know well enough. I respect either answer and only ask as a general question in showing that I care what they do in life. Does that make sense? I realize for some it can bring up tough issues (like infertility) which is why I only ask people I know well enough. Its so smart to be “selfish” until you know you’re ready/want to have kids. It’s insanely selfish to be that way and have them without thinking!! But if you choose to, I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much comes naturally!! It’s an adjustment but it’s the only one I can think of that comes with an insane reward that tops it all! And as far as a stronger marriage, I believe mine is better and stronger. Going through the birthing process with my husband (30 hours of labor!) brought us to a level I never dreamed of. We definitely have tougher times, but doing this as a team builds a certain bond! We also talked a lot about wanting kids, how many and parenting styles before marriage. As much as we could think of at least.
    Whatever you choose, life will be awesome like you said!!!

  20. Hi, can you talk about how you keep your gym clothes from not smelling gross? What detergent do you use or do you just buy new stuff every month? Do you put your gym stuff in the dryer? In short, hoe do you care for your workout clothes?

  21. It is so nice to hear somebody talk about having kids this way. No one does it! My husband and I have been married for almost two years and the first year was constant nagging from everyone we knew (especially his mother..) about when we’re having kids. People were literally asking at our wedding! I’ll never understand that. I’ve never felt strongly about having kids either way, to be honest. Anyway, six months in we decided to just let nature take its course and if it happened, it happened. BUT, in August we found out that we both have fertility issues and will probably have to do IVF. So now it’s like.. do we want to spend all this money/time/mental energy on doing so much to have a kid (and maybe have it not even work..) or just say ‘eh, it wasn’t meant to be.’ Most of my female relatives and friends are mortified that I’m not devastated and doing everything I can to get pregnant. Honestly, I’m not upset at all. I love that we can pick up and go somewhere on zero notice or stay out all night if we want. It’s a huge choice and lifetime commitment. When someone asks me if we’re going to have kids, I don’t even know what to say anymore. I want to say “It’s none of your business.” I wish more women would talk about the cons of having kids instead of making those of us who can see the other side of it feel like crazy people! Thanks Julie 🙂 Keeping doing you, cussing and all.

    PS – Planning to listen to your podcast on this today sometime. I haven’t listened in yet but have been looking forward to it!

    1. my husband and i talk about that as well. after watching our friends try to get pregnant for 2 years and are finally onto IVF, we always wonder if we would do IVF or just embrace the life without children. but you never know how you are going to feel until you decide you want to have them and have that in your mind. i wish more women would talk about the cons as well. they all look at me like i’m a crazy bitch when i bring them up.

  22. Hi Julie! I love that you will be doing another reader question podcast! One thing that I would love for you to chat about is your experience with cystic acne. I read your blog where you describe your experience with Accutane. But could you talk more about your thoughts on whether it was hormonal, what your acne has been like since you got off of Accutane, how you think diet/exercise plays a part in skin health, etc. I would love to hear more about your story. Thanks so much!

  23. I loved this podcast, it really resonated with me – not so much the kids part, but in other parts of my life. For example, I have been dating my boyfriend for 10 years and I constantly, CONSTANTLY get asked by family members when we are going to get married….as if we don’t love each other or our relationship isn’t real unless we are married (why is it their business, anyway?! and why do they care when half of them are divorced?!). I’m not looking forward to when I start getting asked when I’m going to have kids, thankfully I know there are other people like you out there who are open about going against societal standards….and doing what’s best for YOUR life instead of what others think you should be doing.

    Thanks for your amazing podcast, recipes and fashion ideas! I recently purchased the Nordstrom leopard print beanie that you featured in one of your blog posts 🙂

  24. This is my favorite thing ever. I too am an only child and share every single concern and then some and when I express them, people always just dismiss them and say having a kid is all worth it. I always say that I don’t think people seem happier after kids, in fact, quite the opposite. They struggle through for 18 years and then divorce when the kids move out because they were secretly miserable all these years. I was talking with my OB about this recently after asking for the 10 year IUD, and she said that because I am aware of all these things, is exactly the reason I should have kids. Apparently our pragmatic approach is rare and most go into it all starry eyed and dreamy. Im still opposed but it made me feel a little better or empowered in a way, hearing that from someone who literally deals with thousands of moms every year.

    1. it’s hard to find others who feel that way, but it’s obvious from just this post that many people struggle with it. it’s just nice to know that others go through the same feelings

  25. I had exactly the same feelings at 28. I was very into rock climbing (also a body- and weight-conscious sport), traveling, and starting medical school. My husband and I were on the same page, which is key. But something changed in our late 30’s, and our priorities were suddenly different. We had done lots of the other stuff we cared most about earlier in our lives (climbed at a high level, traveled a ton, pushed in our careers), and only at that point did we want to start a family. Unfortunately I had to go through IVF to become a mom (long story, had cancer in between these stages of life), but my daughter is 1 now and it all feels worth it. I’m not saying you WILL change your mind, but you might, like I did, so be open to the possibilities.

    1. i’ve definitely heard that from a few people – that they didn’t want to have kids but that feeling changed once they hit their 30’s – which is why i don’t say never, because you never know how those feelings may change! my friend is going through IVF now and it’s so sad to watch the process and the frustration and emotional rollercoaster she’s going through. hoping she is pregnant in January and she can be so happy to have a 1 year old too, one day!

  26. Hi Juli! Thank you for talking about this! You rock and I appreciate all your cons (I was laughing how similar my con list is and I was trying to come up with at least one pro).

  27. Hi Juli! I have a question for you about your crossfit box. Im about the same age as you were when you started cross fit, did you find there was any age barrier for you? Ive been at a great gym for about 5 months but can’t seem to connect with the other people there, everyone is very nice but there seem to be a lot of cliques. Any suggestions? Thanks! You’re awesome!

  28. Good to know other people have the same thoughts that I have!! I always wanted kids growing up and as I got older I wasn’t sure. I have been married for 3 years and am 27 so EVERYONE and their dog ask us when we are having kids. We got our dog a year ago and then that opened up a can with the kid talk too! My main con is I love my sleep and I’m so scared to not have it! This podcast makes me happy because I don’t feel as crazy! The other day I saw a car with the family stickers on the back (like the mom, dad, kids, pets, whatever) and it was 2 people and then money bags hahaha okay just wanted to say thanks!

  29. Good for you!! I get so sick of people talking about how many kids they’re going to have like they’re just some number that gives them worth. They forget about everything you listed above. We have a 5 year old and aren’t having more kids due to medical issues and people constantly ask us when we’re having more , like one kid doesn’t make me a real mom or something. Most mom’s stop hanging out with me because my kid is out of the baby stage and we’re not having more. It’s ridiculous.

    1. that’s so sad to hear! friendships definitely seem to change some when kids are involved which kind of stinks. but luckily not all of those relationships change!

  30. My husband and I got married a few weeks before he deployed. He came home for R&R 9 months into a year deployment and the first thing his family asked me when we went to visit was ” why are you not pregnant yet?”…. aaahhhh, because he isn’t here.

    Kids are no joke. They are a lot of work. If you want to continue being “selfish”, then don’t have kids. I loved being “selfish” and spending all my hard earned money on pretty things that I wanted and going places I just felt like going. I loved just hopping off the couch and running out to get something, or go to dinner, or leave for the weekend and have zero planning involved in the process. I don’t like waking up before 10 on the weekend. You can’t do anything like that with kids when they are young. You also don’t get to wake up to someone whispering to you “Mommy, I had a dream we were riding a brontosaurus together, and it was the best dream ever, so I had to come give you a hug.”

    The first few months of having a kid (we have 2) is not fun. Its wonderful and magical that you have this fantastic human whom you look at and think “oh,there you are” like you knew you have met before, even though you have just met. But it sucks. not sleeping sucks. You look at your spouse/ significant other sleeping while you are feeding a baby and internally seethe because they are sleeping and you are not. Then you look at your baby sleeping on your spouse or them giving your baby a bath and feel a love for that person on an entirely higher level then you could even imagine before kids.

    Kids magnify your relationship with your partner. if you didn’t have good communication before kids, it will get worse. if there were trust issues or insecurities, they will increase. But, if you have a good relationship where you support each other, it will be tested, but it will get stronger because you further realize how much someone has your back. Raising small kids takes the sparkle off things, but that also allows you to see how comfortable you are around your spouse and how much you are there for each other. Or it shows you how much someone isn’t there for you.

    If you don’t know anyone who’s relationship got stronger by having kids – they probably still have small kids and are calling you to complain. Everyone needs that person. Everyone needs someone to call and moan about how someone didn’t unload the dishwasher, or left their socks on the living room floor AGAIN. those are petty things that are annoying and everyone complaints about. But that doesnt mean that their relationship hasn’t gotten stronger where it counts, that they haven’t gained a new level of respect for and commitment to each other. It is hard being in the thick of parenting babies to take an exhausted step back to really take perspective of how what a team you and your partner have become and how much you appreciate all that you do for each other.

    1. let me rephrase my statement because it sounds jerky. Taking time for yourself, to be alone, to be with friends, to work, to travel, to be alone with your spouse, to exercise, to do anything that makes you happy is not being selfish, it is needed for your sanity, your finances, your health. Doing those things with a kid takes planning. Someone needs to watch your kid while you are alone or exercising ect. You can not sleep in on the weekend if your kid is up at 6 am unless someone else gets up with them. You can not just waltz out the door because you need to bring your kid and what ever they need or have someone watch them while you are gone. when you leave you have to be home at a certain time to let your sitter go home, or pick your kid up from daycare or school or wherever they may be. Doing things revolves around someone else’s schedule or multiple people’s schedule.
      I think the phrasing i am looking for is spontaneous or not wanting to deal with logistics — not being selfish. my apologies.

  31. Reading the summary, you’ve covered it all, Juli! 🙂 I can relate to pretty much all of it and my decision to be child-free. Popping a baby out is one thing, having kids and raising them well is HARD. My thing is, if I was going to do it, I would do it all the way. Being a parent would be the MOST important thing in my life above all else. And I don’t see that happening. There’s all kinds of reasons you so comprehensively outlined: Money. I’m a middle manager, got two post-grad degrees which were expensive, lost a shitload of money in the global financial crisis, and hopefully will have enough to keep me off the streets when I’m old and feeble but that’s about it. Definitely not enough to give a child what my parents could as boomers in very secure civil service jobs plus lifetime military pensions. Health. I have PCOS and possibly fertility issues (no thanks to IVF, it seems horrifying). I also have mental health issues which means to have a decent quality of life I need to control my stress levels and get a lot of sleep, which I imagine would go out the window with kids. And I would also potentially pass them down to my kids and I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. I don’t live in the US but I know health care is freaking expensive and kids need a lot of it. Relationship. My bf 100% doesn’t want kids. It was one of his dealbreakers, and I was relieved! I am so happy and grateful to have found him, and I’m very content with just the two of us. My therapist says most of her married clients come to her for counseling after they have kids because their relationship changed so much and they’re struggling to deal. You also have to be prepared that you could be a single parent one day cause there are no guarantees you’ll stay with your partner forever and god forbid they should die when the kids are still young.

    As for society – be Juli and tell them to STFU! We are meant to live in a cave in a tribe, not be struggling in nuclear families to raise kids in single-family households with no universal health care or decent maternity leave or affordable child care. You have to do what’s right for you, and there’s nothing to stop you having a ton of kids in your life (nieces/nephews/friends’ kids/foster kids/Big Brother Big Sister). When you consider that it’s about what you can do for kids and not what having a kid is going to do for you for your social status/ego/satisfy your relatives that won’t shut up.

  32. I just listened to this today and I want to say: Don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks! You do you Juli! I agree with all your reasons and you shouldn’t have to apologize to anyone. I am as of yet undecided about the whole thing but I think anyone should do whatever they want and if anyone ever asks me I’m just going to say it’s none of their business. Keep doin you, you cool cat!

  33. This was really brave to write. I feel like a lot of women feel like they can’t feel this way. I personally have a one year old. My husband and I knew we wanted one and then as soon as he was born, knew we were done. I always get asked, “was it a hard pregnancy/hard labor/is he a tough baby?” and the answer is no. It was super easy… all of it, but, like you, the overwhelming anxiety of being responsible for another person is too much. And, like you, we wanted to maintain a certain standard of living. Mostly, I worked really hard to get my body “back” after baby and I am unwilling to give that up again. That is an unpopular opinion, but I think a little self-preservation is important. Thanks for writing this.

    1. we are totally taught that it’s not ok to feel that way. even when we have 1 child, we are taught that we should have more, like having 1 child is just not enough. society is quite interesting. and i’m totally with you with the self-preservation. i don’t understand why that’s selfish. taking care of yourself and knowing what is best for you is not selfish, it’s healthy.

  34. You are awesome! Thank you for calling bs on the many “You’ll love your body even more!” lies. I’ve had 4. I don’t love my body more. I don’t have super awful stretch marks, but the skin is never going to lie flat again. My cramps are so much worse since having kids. I have a permanent diastasis of the pubic symphysis. It was very painful during my pregnancies and now running long distance (like a mile) is out, as are inner thigh adductor exercises. And while I’d say I look the same vaginally, it took 8 MONTHS after baby number one to get back in the saddle, if you will, due to slow healing of my third degree tears. I was in agony for months, unable to stand for long stretches or use the bathroom without screaming. Our society loves to underestimate the danger and misery of pregnancy.

    This is not to say that I don’t love my kids. I adore them. But it’s not easy and we need to stop pretending it is. My oldest has been battling depression with psychotic tendencies for years. Will he be able to head off to college in a few years, or am I going to have to handhold him through his young adult life? He’s super smart but can’t take care of himself. The next one down is dyslexic. He does pretty well thanks to spell check, but we have to stay on top of his homework with him or he falls behind. My next is making life difficult by hating on Dad since he got back from Iraq (civilian deployed in support of special forces). She is super sweet with me, but he can’t seem to get out of the dog house with her and they are driving me up a wall. The youngest is super busy with activities, so we are super busy with driving her around. This is a hard time. Taking care of me has taken a backseat for a long time. Sure, that’s expected with four kids, but it doesn’t make it any easier to accept.

    I will say my husband and I are closer due to it all. He is the sort that sees how lucky he is to have had his DNA passed along to the next generation at great expense to his wife. More guys need to acknowledge the physical and emotional toll their partners pay, and society needs to stop taking it for granted.

    I would not change my decision to have my kids, though I would have done some things differently. But it really bugs me to hear other women questioned about their baby-making plans. It’s a personal decision and not up for public debate. You can be a happy, fulfilled person without kids and it is disgusting to see people argue otherwise. So go on with your bad self and tell those nosy people to fuck off!

    1. thank you for sharing your experience. nobody talks about those things unless it’s your VERY close friend and i don’t have many close friends who have had children yet. all you see is people’s smiling photos on social media and think that everything is great. so thank you for sharing your honest experience with both pregnancy and the challenges of having children. those topics are real and should be talked about more. so again, thank you for just sharing. it’s really cool.

  35. Hi Juli!

    I have really been trying to hone in on my hunger cues because I LOVEEE food and love eating, which leads to overeating and snacking. I always try to stop when I’m satisfied, and I do super well early in the day during breakfast and lunch, but then 4:00 rolls around and I need snacks before dinner. Then I eat dinner and want a treat before bed. Halp!! How do I combat this?

  36. This podcast is so spot on and perfectly timed. My husband and I have been married over two years now (together about 8). We are both 29, place an emphasis on health, and enjoy to travel and have fun. My husband would have kids now if I wanted to, but I am just not interested (at least not yet). This thanksgiving, as with most times we are with his family, I was asked when (never if) we are going to have children by all of my husband’s family, including his mother and aunts. I have always found it incredibly invasive and offensive, especially since we both have busy jobs which we love. I regularly leave these events feeling self conscious and bad about myself, something I have worked hard to stop since my teenage years.

    It was a relief to listen to this podcast and realize I am not alone. Your cons list includes just about every single one of my concerns with having children. I always find it so astonishing how people pressure me to have children when it is such a huge responsibility and should not be taken lightly. Also – if my decision could be changed so easily am I really ready to be a mother?

    Anyway, thanks for addressing this topic from a perspective that is rarely acknowledged. Love your podcast!

    1. it’s truly rarely acknowledged and then women are thought to be bad people for even feeling that way (which is something I get attacked for constantly) so thank you for appreciating this topic!!

  37. i’m not sure why you feel as though it is scary. i’m just speaking the truth and how i feel, but it’s not scary. having a child you are not ready for or do not have the means to raise, is scary. i think it’s important for women to think through these things to understand if they are truly ready and prepared to bring another human into the world and give them the best life possible. i’m not sure why weight is such a touchy subject for you but being aware and worried about that sort of thing is ok, it’s just not as important to others. if you read the comments in this post, you’ll see that many have the same worries or have even had children and still connect with the worries i have. being honest about a person’s fears is not scary, it’s just honest.

  38. Hi Juli,

    I have a request for a podcast topic. Taking a side trail off of the having babies topic, it would be great to hear your thoughts on the making babies topic, lol. It’s a bit more down and dirty, but some information about a more organic approach to sexual health would be really helpful. For example, do you have some recommendations for natural alternatives to birth control? Toxic-free protection? How to keep things spicy? It’s a personal topic, so a lot of the health/nutrition-based podcasts I tune into have not addressed it. Any insight would be really helpful!

    You’re the best!

    xoxo,
    Kristina

    1. hey kristina! i’m definitely not the person to talk to about this kind of stuff. i’m still on hormonal birth control and i don’t know much about natural alternatives, so it might be worth asking someone else, maybe diane sanfilippo or liz wolfe on their podcast: http://balancedbites.com/podcast/. one has a child and one doesn’t, so they may have more information with that!!

  39. Juli! Thanks for being brave and candid and saying what so many women want to say. I have been called “selfish” or worse, “hypocritical” (I am a physical therapist that works with postpartum women to help get their bodies and double vaginas back). Thanks for telling it like it is and being real!

  40. Juli, this podcast was hilarious! I look forward to Saturday’s for the new post and love your snapchats just as much. This is pretty much how I feel to a T. I have one more item on the Pros list (you create something that is both you and your husband, having something that is part my husband sounds so great to me) but Con list is spot on.

    As for next weeks post this might be a weird question to ask but how long ago did you get your breast augmentation? (that sounds so medical but boob job looked weird to write – and then I still wrote it!)
    Anyway, I ask because I got mine almost a year ago and I find that I still cant get my muscle ups back, I just started doing regular pushups again, and ring dips make my chest feel like it will split open at any second. So I was wondering how long it took you to get back to being a BA at crossfit after the surgery. And maybe it has to do with the size too. Mine are 391cc under the muscle, probably tmi but wondering if size has to do with it as well like if yours are smaller your muscles aren’t screaming at you saying “you crazy b expect us to work the same after you just tore the shit out of us?!” I don’t know I probably just made that up but I was wondering how you’ve felt after them.

  41. I really enjoyed listening to this podcast, and reading all the comments. It was very informative to get all the viewpoints and walks of life on this topic. Thank you for doing a podcast on this!

  42. Love your podcast! And the “screw those who are in my business who don’t belong there “. I need this attitude, I care way too much what those people think.

    My question for next week: what are your go tos for breakfast,lunch,dinner, and treats?

  43. Your podcasts always make me laugh and are so refreshing and this one was no exception!
    Kudos to you for having the courage to express your feelings about having kids because I think many women live in fear about their true feelings regarding kids. It makes me sad to think about all of the women who feel guilty or stressed out because they are taught to think that their purpose in life is to have kids and that if they don’t they are a horrible person.
    I think you said what many women feel, especially considering the many positive comments on this post.
    You rock Juli!! Thank you for being honest 🙂

  44. Hi Juli!

    I’ve been reading your blog for several years (prob over 5 at this point) and have been keeping up with your podcast too. At this point, I feel like we’re friends, even though we haven’t met. Is that weird? Probably.

    Anyway, I loved this podcast episode! I recently got married (a year and a half ago), and both my husband and I don’t want kids. Pretty sure my pro list might somehow be shorter than yours (really, I think I’m just too damn selfish). We are constantly asked when we’re going to have kids even though I have no problem telling people “never”. Regardless, it’s annoying and none of their business. Oh, people.

    I know you mentioned on this episode (or maybe it was the last one, I don’t remember), that a woman commented about your weight loss on your photos and that she liked you when you were heavier. That’s weird, but maybe a cool podcast episode idea. You could discuss why you wanted to lose weight and what changes you made to your already healthy lifestyle that caused your weight loss. I’m sure many people would love to hear about your journey!

    Thanks again for all you do!
    – Jaci (pronounced Jackie, long story!)

  45. It is comforting to know there are other women that feel this way! Both your podcast and in all the comments. When I tell people we don’t have kids because I simply haven’t had the desire, they look at me like I’m crazy. I don’t have a single friend or acquaintance that can relate, so thank you for being brave and putting this out there. Also a con? Losing your sense of self. This is one that scares me. I’ve watched many family and friends have babies, and although the dad/husband seems to still be able to talk about their interests outside of kids and do things they are interested in, the moms/wives are 100% consumed by baby and kid stuff. When we hang out with these couples, I’m so jealous of my husband still having his friends and me trying to figure out how to connect to women I was once so close with. Also, I’ve been married for 8 years, and it seems after a few years the questions die down… although I hear after one, the “when will you have another” is just as bad. I also think that considering the pros and cons, taking the decision seriously, and not jumping in is selfless. People so often assume childfree couples are selfish. But to me, it’s much more selfish to have a kid because you want a mini-me around, or because you think it would help your marriage, because you’re bored, or all your friends are doing it (or like you said, because you want someone to take care of you). How many people can really say they decided to have children for selfless reasons? Most decide to have children because of what they want to get out of it. Thanks again for this post,

  46. I love this. I’ve been married almost two years and I feel EXACTLY like this. People give me a hard time about it and then I start to feel guilty and like I’m not going to amount to much in life if I’m not a mother. And the societal pressure and ticking clock is another added pressure. I’m already 35 so if we don’t get on the baby train, we might not be able to later. But my womb is not on fire, my biological clock is not ticking. I love kids – and I love to give them back when they are gross or bad 🙂

    But honestly, I feel just like you. If we have kids, life will be awesome. If we don’t have kids, life will still be awesome.

  47. I honestly think that if anyone is ever 100% logical about having children then you would never ever actually do it. The financial and commitment are absolutely terrifying.

    I have no idea if my husband and I are going to have kids. It’s the worst idea ever…. but our friends have the cutest kids ever…. lol ughhhh!

  48. I feel like I’m listening to myself in this podcast!! I have the exactly same thoughts and feelings about the subject of kids. My husband and I have been married for 3 years (we are both 29) and get asked this almost daily. It’s so refreshing to hear another person “thinks” like we do! Kids are probably the biggest decision of our lives so I don’t feel the need to rush into that!

  49. Listening to this podcast while I make your BBQ Chicken Casserole…. total PaleOMG evening! I feel like I have been listening to myself talk for 42 minutes. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and get the kids question all the time. I love the life we are currently living and why fix something that isn’t broken?! Thank you for being so open and honest! It is so refreshing to listen to someone else who is on the same page.
    And now I’m headed to the gym (on my own damn schedule!) and then I’ll come home and eat this yummy casserole, take a long bath, and then sleep all night long! Thank you for being you and sharing it with all of us 🙂

  50. I loved this podcast! I feel the exact same way about kids right now–the thought is terrifying to me. Also, I got married 2 years ago and immediately started getting the question about when I was going to have kids. It annoys me so much when people ask that, so I completely understand how you feel! Why do people think it’s okay to ask such a personal question?!!

  51. I always want to tell people that I can’t have kids just to put them in their place and help them realize that they shouldn’t be asking things that are so personal!

  52. Just listened to your latest podcast. People just never cease to freakin amaze me with the questions they seem to think they have the right to ask. Ugh. So, my kids are 18 and 21. My husband and I were married 5 years before we even contemplated kiddos. We had fun!!!!! You are only just married, and it sounds as though there is a lot of childless fun for y’all to have. When asked, just look at people with a puzzled stare. Then say, “I just got married”. End of convo. Trust me, if you decide you want to have kids, you will know when you want to proceed with that. If not, #respect for standing up for what you feel strongly about. Honestly, I would just want to tell people (who mostly don’t care anyway) to “jump off”. Love your podcasts. You bring a certain realness to life. I love how you are just you with no explanations. Keep em coming! You are a teacher not only to those of your age group, but to others who are quite possibly twice your age.

  53. Hi Juli! First and foremost, LOVE your podcast and all your posts/rants on social media (F*ck the FB trolls!) Anyway, I have two quick questions: (1) Have you ever enlisted the help of a personal stylist? You have such great fashion sense, but I thought I read a post that mentioned how you haven’t always felt fashionable or interested in clothing, so I’m curious as to how you got from that point to where you are now; and (2) (totally unrelated) would you recommend crossfit for marathon runners? I’ve been interested in trying it, but I’m worried about injuring myself with an explosive movement before a race. I’m also hesitant to try it because I broke my ankle a few years ago and now have a plate and some screws in my ankle. Not looking for a medical opinion, but wondering if you see people with similar injuries who are still able to benefit from crossfit? Thanks and thanks again for being so awesome and entertaining!

  54. I appreciate your blunt point of view and it’s nice to hear someone say what everyone is thinking. I definitely had some of the same concerns about babies before I had mine. Though some of your concerns are a little out there (double vaginas, lol), others are completely warranted. Especially when it comes to 1) sleeping less 2) difficulty in relationships. My daughter is 4 and I’m still waiting for the night where I can sleep the whole 8 hours through. I miss sleep so bad! Also, I’m a firm believer in that if you have any sort of hang ups in your marriage prior to children that it’s very likely it will fall apart after babies. Relish your time alone with your husband while you can and tell everyone else your womb is none of their business! I think it’s very old fashioned for people to assume a married couple will have children. Anywho, I’ve been following your blog for several years and honestly, the podcast is what got me engaged again! You’re funny, keep telling people to fuck off and to just do it already lol.

  55. I’m 35 and neither my husband nor I want to have kids, even now. If anything, I used to be more open to it, but the older I get and the more my friends have kids I’m like nahhhh I’m good. Basically, having a kid is like getting a tattoo on your face – it’s expensive, it hurts like a bitch, and it will be there FOREVER. So I just feel like, if I’m not DESPERATE to get that tattoo on my face, then I shouldn’t. Would you “kind of” want a face tattoo and get it anyway? No, that’s crazy.

    Of course I get asked about kids all the time. Depending on how clueless the person is, I say something super bitchy or gently point out that if I COULDN’T have kids, this would be a heartbreaking question to answer. Or I pretend by “kids” they mean baby goats, and then I just talk about how they chew on everything and our city doesn’t allow them so we’d have to move to another city and get a special permit – but on the plus side, we’d never have to mow the lawn again. Or I start giving them detailed info on when I’m ovulating and when and how often we have sex, and in what positions, etc, and then when they get really embarrassed I tell them, yeah, THAT’S how inappropriate that question is.

    Anyway, your podcast rules and makes me want to go out for cocktails with ya.

  56. OK…I listen often and felt very compelled to comment on this one. First, I want to say that I love your honesty and frankness. You really make me laugh. I appreciate that you don’t “clean it up” to make us more comfortable or happy…you are true to you and that is very refreshing!

    I am a mother of three healthy, somewhat well-adjusted teenagers. I have always wanted to have children, to have a big family (I am one of 5 kids). It seemed like it was my responsibility to procreate. I love kids. I love their blunt honesty. I love their ability to laugh when you shouldn’t. I love their innate need to just move…to run, to spin, to dance. With that being said; this gig is hard work! It is 24/7. It is emotionally and physically draining most of the time. It can have you laughing hysterically one minute and sobbing relentlessly the next. It is also my absolute favorite thing in the world. Motherhood is awesome, but it is definitely something you should do only if you WANT it. There is a big price to pay…financially, emotionally, physically. You are absolutely right about the changes to your body and whether or not you will be ok with them after childbirth. I will tell you, I am generally fit, I work out, I could definitely eat better, but the changes my body went through…not pretty! I will not get certain areas of my body back to what it used to be. Yes…I am also talking about the “lady parts”! Was it worth it? For me, hell yes! But that’s exactly it…for me, yes. Each and every one of us is entitled to have their feelings on this subject and it’s not really something that is debatable. So keep doing you…tell people to stay out of your bedroom because it’s none of their business!

  57. YES!! I just loved everything about this podcast. I don’t think it gets talked about enough that it is ok (especially for women) to chose to not have kids if we don’t want them. I am only 27 and get asked ALL THE TIME when I’m having kids and Im so so tired of it. I have worked for years as a nanny and know about 90% of what truly goes into motherhood and it definitely isn’t sunshine and rainbows. In fact the best part of my day is going home to my quiet, clean house and doing whatever the eff I want and sleeping in on weekends. A lot of my friends have kids and while they constantly talk about their unconditional love for them (which is honestly terrifying because I can’t imagine loving anything more than my dog) they also talk about all the miserable shit that goes into raising them and I just don’t see the fun in it. And this is coming from somebody who has worked with kids for years! So for now I’ll just keep all my money and time and sleep to myself.

  58. Love this!! Your pro list made me burst out laughing. Just one pro. That was so funny. I can totally relate. I only have a maternal extinct for dogs and cats!! Right now, I am the mother of two lovely cats. They are like kids to me. Thank you so much for your podcasts. I just eat them up!!

    A few questions for your random questions next week:

    How many cups of coffee do you drink in a day??? I don’t know why I want to know this…but just curious. I love coffee!!

    Have you ever thought about doing yoga? I recently started taking classes.

    1. i already recorded my podcast so i thought i would answers yours here! i drink 1 cup of coffee a day and usually don’t finish that cup. once in a while ill get another cup in the afternoon but it’s rare. and yes, i’ve thought about doing yoga a ton, just haven’t gotten to it yet!

  59. i can definitely relate to this podcast – i’m 27 and pretty sure i want kids.. but can’t even imagine my life changing and actually taking care of another human being. so.. maybe one day.

    selfishly, i hope you do have kids! so that you can give advice on how to do crossfit and stay fit/healthy while being pregnant and after having the baby! just kidding.. kind of.

    🙂

  60. I don’t give a shit whether you have kids or not.
    But you may reach a point in your life where you are searching for something deeper to connect to rather than your weight, your workouts and money. That may be where children come in, it may be something else. Good luck

    1. i completely agree with that, but remember, it isn’t just my worry about weight, workouts and money, it’s also about the other things that i mentioned. and even fear. fear of losing a child or even your child that has become an adult. i’ve seen many friends lose their children and that pain is close to unbearable for many of those parents. that fear of losing a child after seeing so many go through it is something that sits heavy on my mind

    2. Sue – I despise your response. That attitude is wrong and fucked up in so many ways. Just because you create a human being does not connect you to something deeper. Creating a human being does not entitle you to some spiritual mind meld nor does the mere act of creation even entitle you to any sort of meaningful relationship with that person. That child is a living, breathing, sentient being all in of itself and simply because its parasitic ways started inside of you body and you kept it alive until it could fend for itself does not make you special in any way whatsoever.

      I say this as a parent who was purposefully procreated, hosted that nasty little parasite for those 40 awful weeks (easy pregnancy, still hated it), spent the next 10 weeks trying to get it to sleep (yep-she was sleeping through the night at 10 weeks) and struggled to take care of the easiest baby ever, with a supportive and engaged partner. Every stage of this kid’s life has been ridiculously easy, but I am not a big fan of those early years. I now have the absolute coolest, most independent 10 year old ever, but I firmly believe it’s because I treated her from day 1 as her own person. I didn’t create her to give my own life meaning, to make sure I had something other than my workouts to connect with.

      And why does that deeper connection have to be with someone you made? Why can’t it be with your spouse/partner(s)? Why can’t it be with friends? Why can’t it be with chosen hobbies or passions or life interests? The default that you only experience a higher sense of purpose or fulfillment (as a woman, so the party line goes) by shooting people out of your vagina is fundamentally wrong.

      1. I wish I could <3 and like your response 100 times – thank you Erin!

        When I read Sue's response, my heart sunk.

        As someone who previously struggled with self-image issues, lack of confidence and an overall sense of insecurity it made me wonder if Sue got the point of this podcast.

        Those of us who have chosen self-betterment don't do it because we only care about ourselves – it's not selfish – it is self-worth. Having a healthy weight, being well (Mind-body-soul) by working out and feeding ourselves good food and (especially as a woman) taking on a passion that also happens to pays the bills… THIS IS LIVING. This is connecting to something bigger than ourselves.

        The great thing about this world is that there is room here for all of us. Whether you were born to give birth to a human – or a really cool gluten free cookie recipe… Do your fucking best at it and have no regrets.

        Bottom line, lifting women up is way more empowering and fulfilling than knocking them down.

  61. I keep coming back to this page because I want to comment, but I never comment on blogs. I think all of your concerns are very real and valid and at the end of the day, a person has to do what is right for them and their lifestyle. Having said that, when I was in my early 20’s, I did not want children or even like them for that matter. I don’t know the exact moment that changed, but it did. I am a mom of 2 and I can’t imagine my life without them. I am evening writing this after a sleepless week due to them being sick. But even though I am successful in my career and have fulfilling relationships, I feel so proud of being their mother. Someone on this page previously said it best, if we are totally logical about having kids, we will never have them. There is never a right time, never enough money, and there are many struggles along the way. I still workout and maybe there are weeks like this one where it is less frequent. But if you want something, you make it happen. That part of you does not change. My body is not perfect, but I am fit, happy and healthy. So you can have kids and still have similar values as you do now. Finally, to the point of loss, my brother was killed suddenly when he was in his late teens. I saw what it did to my parents. Now as a parent, I worry about my kids all the time. But you know what? I also worry about my husband, my friends, my family, etc. because you never know what life will throw your way. So I don’t regret one bit bringing 2 boys into this world. All of this rambling is meant to mean, that there are so many positives too. I wish the best for you and your future. Maybe some day you will change your mind and maybe you won’t. Thanks for always being real and I look forward to staying tuned on what comes next for you.

  62. Thanks for this podcast Juli! I was actually discussing this with a client of mine who has 3 children of her own and voicing my concerns because I’ve never really thought about having children and I didn’t know if I would want them in the future. She told me that unless you have a burning desire to have children, don’t worry about it. When she said that, it almost felt like it gave me subconscious permission to enjoy my life with my fiance (who doesn’t really want children either). Plus, I’ve got 3 other siblings that can carry that torch so I’m OK with being an aunt 🙂 Thanks!

  63. I’m not sure where to post a question for future podcasts, so doing it here – My dad is 58 years old and was just put on Statin therapy for high cholesterol (I’m a pharmacist so I know all about the drugs). He was on it for a few weeks and suffered from the typical side effects -debilitating muscle aches and fatigue, etc. He went off it and feels 100% back to normal. I am trying to convince him that cutting out grains and sugar and leading a more primal life will in turn lower his cholesterol (I have seen research articles supporting this – but he is not a sciency guy and I think he just needs to hear the words come out of someone’s mouth besides me). Can you do a podcast talking about the health benefits of going paleo? thanks love! xoxo

    1. i’m not the best source for scientific research, but you should absolutely check out balanced bites podcast. they would absolutely have a podcast about that!

  64. My husband and I got married at 24 and are childfree by choice (been married 9 years, now 33 yo). We freaking love our life and have no regrets. Frankly, the pro and con list is not all that it’s cracked up to be. My husband and I both feel in our gut that children are not what we want (even though we adore kids, just don’t want any of our own). It doesn’t matter how many pros and cons you have. All that matters is how you feel. Trust that feeling–it won’t lead you wrong.

    Even 10 years in, we still get these questions ALL THE TIME. They seem to never go away, but we are secure in our choice and don’t feel like our life is any less fulfilled because we don’t have kids. If anything, we’ve been able to explore and learn more about the life we live through travel. It’s been amazing.

  65. My husband and I have been married for four years with very busy jobs. When people ask me about children I said for the longest time – we are having fun and want to enjoy being married right now. We have had so much fun being able to do whatever we wanted these last four years.
    No one should ever make you feel bad about potentially not wanting children. Your life is your life – it is for you to decide what you want to do and make the most out of it in the way you want to. I think the worst situation would be children born into a situation where the parents were not prepared or did not want children. Personally, I know that want kids – all the cons that you list definitely scare the sh@(#$ out of me, but my desire for a child out weighs the fear. I think that means that I am ready and we have had four years together to think it through. We are having a little trouble getting pregnant and it is definitely stressful, but in the end if it doesn’t end up happening I know I will still enjoy my life and have a great life with my husband!
    If people give you grief — ask them why they would want to pressure a person to potentially bring a child into the world in a situation where they are unwanted or not the priority. I don’t think people should have kids if they are not willing to make the child a priority and have the time and money to support him/her. It is not selfish to not want to have children – there will be plenty of people to populate the earth- it is being real and responsible for what you truly want. You can contribute to the world in many other ways!

    On a totally separate note – question for podcast or here- Do you wear different shoes depending on our type of workout? I do a lot of running and cardio but have been trying to lift more. I heard that running shoes are bad for lifting. DO you think it make that much of a difference? Should I wear different shoes when I intend to focus on weights.

    1. i’m with ya. no point in bringing a child into the world until you are 100% ready! i don’t recommend the running shoes with super thick soles for lifting. if you’re using running shoes such as Nike RN which are low profile and are pretty flat, they are great for running and lifting. so i love nike running RN’s or metcons. they are good for lifting and shorter runs!

  66. Juli–your podcasts are fuckin awesome. I binge listened to all of them while traveling home from Thanksgiving, I really LOLed at those cons–especially because they are all true! (What if it was my fault bc I raised a murderer!) I’m 48, no kids, and never had any desire for them. My life is awesome–I’ve done a lot of cool shit & I’ve traveled so many places: India, Palestine, Egypt, etc. Plus I have the world’s most amazing dog (tied with Jackson, of course).

    Your blog and now podcasts have helped me so much nutrition-wise. Five years ago I lost 100 pounds after discovering CrossFit (and by obsessing about calories). Then I discovered paleo and have been eating that way since I lost the weight. Thank you for all your recipes & I always give your cookbooks as gifts! Over the last 6 months I’ve slipped back into my old ways of eating processed food & I’ve gained some weight back. I don’t have the energy I used to and I just feel gross. Your podcasts have really helped me get my fuckin shit together so THANK YOU!

    1. that is absolutely amazing, lindsey! congratulations!! and we all have those moments, but it’s what we do to get back on track that really prove what kind of person we are! so go kick some ass and feel amazing again!

  67. So thank you for being amazing. I have loved every single episode so far, but this one took the cake for me. I went into my current relationship letting my boyfriend know that I had no fucking clue if I wanted kids or not, but that I was leaning towards no. He already has 2 kids and was totally okay with me not wanting more. I currently have the best situation where we sometimes have the kids, and other times no kids. I love it! Best of both worlds, BUT his family is constantly pressuring us saying its not fair that they don’t get to see their grand kids every day and that we need to give them more grand children. My turning down the topic saying it was none of their business and finally I had to get “drastic” and tell them some really personal stuff about my endometriosis and that it’s possible I can’t even have kids and that’s hard on me (lies) so I need them to stop bringing it up. That was the only thing that got them to quit….. Well that and passive aggressively posting blog posts about why its bad to ask people when they are going to have kids… Another favorite one for me is telling people how stubborn I am. I don’t care that I am amazing with my step kids or my nieces and nephews… I doesn’t mean that I have to have my own kids AND the more they pressure me the more I will refuse to have kids. People definitely need to — make a pros and con’s list and really think about it before making decisions. and – stay the fuck out of other peoples business.

    Anyways, basically I loved this episode, I love you( or the idea of you? lol) and you’re awesome, Keep up the great work.. Thank you for being so entertaining!!

  68. My husband and I are both 30 and have been married four years. I am constantly asked when we’re going to have kids. The best response I’ve come up with is:
    ” When are you going to have kids?”
    ” When we get back from South Africa.”
    “Oh, when is your trip?”
    “No plans”
    It seems to lighten the mood yet get your point across.

    Also, when I was deciding on my first tattoo several people recommended that I want it for a year to make sure I wouldn’t regret it. Yet people will say that when you want kids you’ll just know. But we’re talking about a human being here, shouldn’t you want a child for longer than a year to make sure it’s what you really want?!

    The one thing I would add to my list of pros would be having kids once they’re adults where you can have more of a friendship with them.

  69. Great Topic! I have two girls, 2 and 4, had no trouble getting pregnant. I had terrible postpartum anxiety with both that lasted over a year. Pressure to take meds or breastfeed (didn’t want to do both at same time) haunted me. I eat paleo and exercise and am now thinner than before having children. I have stretch marks that aren’t super noticeable. My stomach is flat ish but will NEVER be what is was pre preg without surgical intervention which I don’t want. My spine also suffered from pregnancies and I now have disc issues and mild scoliosis.

    Truth is your mind and body can really take a serious HIT! Like mine did. But hopefully for others it will be less costly.

    I would not change any of it, however. The love is all consuming and makes all the shit (there’s a lot of it) easier to accept.

    Thanks for sharing Juli!
    xo
    Annie

  70. Thank you so much for doing this podcast! I sometimes feel like I’m looked at like I’m crazy when I say that I don’t want kids. Then comes the next question “well how does your husband feel about that?”…I absolutely hate that one. Like of course we discussed this subject before deciding to get married, duh!
    Our family was talking about “our” kids at my wedding shower!! Like that’s jumping the gun a little early, can we get married first and enjoy our lives. Luckily someone else answered that question for us, that we didn’t want kids, and that has seemed to stop any baby talk from the family…thank goodness!
    After reading all of the comments it’s nice to know that I’m not the only woman out there who doesn’t want to grow a child in my body!
    PS. Also, I hope that when I’m old and I have to put myself in a badass retirement home that I can be in the same one because you’re awesome!….seems a little stalkerish but fuck it…haha

    1. uggghhhhh i HATE when people ask me that question. like it’s any of their business! so rude! i really wish more women would voice that opinion about not having kids and be more accepting of it! you and i can party it up in a bomb ass retirement home together lol!

  71. Julie you awesome person! I know it’s a little late to the game but I’ve been working my way through your podcasts and I think this may be my favorite. I have been working through trying to be okay with not having kids after having multiple miscarriages and this little podcast was so perfect! It made me feel good about going forward and knowing that kids are not the only Avenue in life. You are such a fucking awesome inspiration. I’m one of I’m sure many who check in to your blog and Instagram daily and just try to implement your advice to my life. Thanks your a gem!

  72. Preach! I envy men for the fact that they don’t do this shit to each other. Woman-questions: “You are single, when are you going to get online and find somebody?” “You have a boyfriend, when are you getting engaged?”. “You are engaged, when is the big day?”, “you are married now, when are you having a baby?” and “you have one kid, when are you having more?”. I feel like the vast majority of women have struggled at some point with at least 1 of these things but somehow manage to forget when putting those shitty and personal questions on other women. Thanks for calling it out and being honest you!

  73. Loved this episode! This year will be our 6th wedding anniversary and we are still having a ball. I was just wondering, are you on a bc pill? I’ve been in the paleo-sphere for a couple years now and I got off my pill and just wondering if you have any recommendations, whether that be bc pills, or the copper iud, or just timing it up with an app to know when you’re ovulating?

  74. I tried commenting a few weeks ago but our wi fi was being dumb. I’m totally in agreement with this. I can’t have kids and don’t really want any at this point. I have 3 stepkids and people seem to think I’m a terrible person because we aren’t having any of “our own” (Well, and maybe because I cuss all the time and say exactly what I think) I actually guest posted on a friend’s blog on it. Anyhow, a lot of my reasons were the same as yours. I’m gonna make my husband listen to this!

  75. So I’ve been following you for a while – because I love your brutal honesty haha – cracks me up, just listened to your podcast – I’m dying! I have 3 kids but – totally get all your cons – I mean I love my kids to freaking death, but I’ve also been a mom since I was 16! I’ll be 30 this year! Anyway just had to tell you I found it hilarious! I grew up with 6 sisters and I had the first boy…. talk about a shocker! All the questions on what the hell to do with a boy, and his parts!
    I say travel, live your life, do what you want and if you get that baby fever then jump on the baby train. You’ll know when you are ready!

  76. THANK YOU so much for this! I totally understand your feelings (I’ve been married for 5 years and I’m 34 so I’m old AF), especially the anxiety that surrounds “that” question. What I really hate is that I find myself spouting out excuses and trying to justify our decision to not (yet) have children, and then I spend the rest of the day riddled with anxiety and wondering if what I said was “enough” or if I got them to truly understand our reasoning so that they’re not just judging for being “selfish.” Your podcast reminds everyone that this is SUCH a personal topic and questions about it are insanely inappropriate. I had a woman once tell me that I’m “missing out on the best part of life.” Quite a presumptuous statement. Just because it’s great for some people doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for everyone. My husband and I are Ironman triathletes, very invested in our careers that require us to travel constantly, and we’re not ready to give any of that up (maybe ever). And if that’s selfish, so be it, because life is short, yo. Would it be better for us to bring children into the world when it’s not what we truly want? Anyway, bottom line, it’s a personal and incredibly involved decision that is no one else’s business. Do you, girl. And society, stay out of everyone’s uterus. #pleaseandthanks

    1. i feel the exact same way. it’s hard to give up the things you love and what helps you thrive. i’m sure motherhood is absolutely awesome, but other things are absolutely awesome too. and ps you’re totally not old AF at all!

  77. Ditto to all of this!! Just listened to this podcast and literally I have the same thoughts as Juli on having children. Why we (as a society, people in a relationship, etc., ) just enjoy where we are at at the moment?? And, realize that not one thing is great for everyone!! (aka having kids) …I’m 99.9% sure that I don’t want to have kids…and I’ve felt this way since I was about 16 years of age – I’m currently 31. I’ve had people say all kinda of rude and mean things to me about not wanting to have kids – that I’m being selfish, I’m missing out on the “greatest thing ever,” that it will “completely change me as a person…” I mean, a. I wasn’t even married at the time or in a stable relationship so, how am I supposed to support this “greatest thing” that has ever happened to me?? I’m pretty certain that I don’t want kids so, It’s like telling you to paint your living room neon yellow when you fucking haaattteeee the color yellow. You wouldn’t do it, so why would I have kids? I think that people need to be more accepting of others views (politics, sexual orientation, religion) and if you don’t agree with someone’s point of view, keep your mouth shut. At the end of the day, you aren’t changing anyone’s opinion on any of that stuff, or having babies. Go have your own babies and be happy 🙂 B. I could go on and on but I have a job and things to do and Juli has already summed up my thoughts on having children. Be more self aware – that applies to everyone. The End.

  78. I just appreciate how you were so respectful of people who want children in this discussion. I for one, do not want kids. My husband does and it is something we struggle with on our own. I had agreed to have one but the closer we get to starting a family the more I want to revolt. I just get more frustrated when other women directly or indirectly put you down for not following the narrative of just popping kids out. As if having children is a status symbol. Anywho, not meaning to be a Debbie downer on this I just love that you did a pros and cons list and I might be using it for myself in the next coming years. Thanks!

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