Sailing Through The Caribbean – Episode 47: PaleOMG Uncensored Podcast

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Talking about my recent trip to the Caribbean! Where we traveled, who we sailed with, what we did, ate, drank and everything in between!


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Episode 47 Transcription!

This is Juli Bauer from PaleOMG and you are listening to PaleOMG Uncensored.

Juli Bauer: Well hello, guys. Welcome back to another episode of PaleOMG Uncensored. Today I believe is the 47th episode. I think that’s it. I don’t know why I don’t ever freaking look at it. But today is the 47th. We’re going to go with that. I missed a week last week because I was in the Caribbean on vacation. Sorry, Jackson is digging through his bone, so if you can hear those loud noises. Oh thanks. Hi. Thanks.

So I was in the Caribbean last week. Full on vacation mode. Not giving a F. So there was no podcast going down. There was no recording of podcast before I even left. There was just no time. Vacation had begun, and it went, and it was awesome. So today I’m going to talk about that trip. Because it was the best freaking trip ever.

But before I get into that. I’m back in Colorado for a hot second. I go to Boise, Idaho at the end of this month for a few days. I’ve never been to Boise. I don’t really know what to expect other than it’s probably like Colorado. So it’s outdoorsy. There’s mountains. There’s people driving Subaru’s, wearing five-fingers. So I expect it to be just like Colorado. Yes, five-fingers are still a thing. I’m not sure how they haven’t all been burned. But I still see them.

Thank god the CrossFit world kind of let that go a little bit. Because it’s hard to coach someone and take them seriously when they’re wearing five-fingers. If you’re a person who wears them, yes I’m judging you. They’re just hideous shoes. I don’t’ care if you’re more in tune with the earth and your body. You look hideous, ok? You can say the same thing about anything I wear. That’s fine. But I’m going to punch you right back if you’re wearing five-fingers.

So, what the hell is that tangent? So I’m back in Colorado for a hot second. Back to hanging out with my husband, because he was not able to attend the Caribbean. Think about how much he regretted that decision. He works a sh*t ton, and he can’t expect other people. He wouldn’t let someone else take that much time off, so he can’t take that much time off. If that makes sense. So yeah. 9 days was just not doable for him. Which was a major bummer. But luckily, my sister-in-law went with us. With me, and the group that I was with.

So now I’m back to hanging out with my husband. And I missed the sh*t out of him. And he’s just so rad and so cool. But this week is all about reconnecting. Because I feel like if you do not reconnect with your spouse. Especially if you travel all the time, which I do nowadays, you can easily become just your roommate with your lover. And I’d like to not be just roommates. I’d like to be in a relationship with my husband.

So this weekend, we’re going to go on a sushi date night, and go to Comedy Works. And just hang out. Reconnect. Be best friends, but not like best friends. Because I hate when people call their husband or wife their best friend. What happened to your best friend before you met that husband or wife? Did they just get forgotten about?

Anyway. We’ve been watching Game of Thrones. We had to catch up on two episodes. I’m really bummed that Khaleesi and Jon Snow are related, because I’d like them to become lovers. If you don’t watch Game of Thrones, what are you doing? It’s like not watching the Bachelor. Don’t think you’re too good for this TV show. Game of Thrones is everything. Bachelor and Bachelor in Paradise is kind of everything. But on the annoying side.

I haven’t even watched the Bachelor finale. Or Bachelor in Paradise premier. I’ve had no time! Because the thing is, when you leave for 9 days and you come back into town, you can’t be like, “Hey deuces husband, I’m going in the basement to watch 16 hours of a show that you despise. Cool? You want to be best friends? You want to be buds, bro?” No. Not going to work in a relationship. In a good relationship, I should say. So we’ve been bonding over Game of Thrones instead.

But my goal, tonight. Excuse me. I just had some dairy, and now I’m phlegmy. Just a little information for you as I clear my throat 46 times. That’s what I get for having dairy, ok?

I didn’t finish my coffee earlier. What the hell.

Ok. I keep doing these tangents and keep forgetting about what I’m talking about. Oh. So my husband; he won some glow in the dark golf. And while I was traveling, his work has been stupid stressful. I’ve told him to quit 4 million times because it’s so sad seeing him stressed the f*ck out all the time. But he refuses. He went to a doctor, talked to a doctor about dealing with some stomach issues he was having. And all those stomach issues are purely from stress; 100%. And of course, what does the doctor want to do? Put him on anti-anxiety medication. You’re like, “So the side effects are you’re super constipated.” Oh, ok doc. Way to solve my issue, you f*cking ass.

So, he’s like not going on that, thank gosh. I’m not getting him on those kinds of drugs. So he’s just trying to deal with stress in just a healthy way. Not bringing it home. Getting a hobby. Doing other things. Getting his mind off of it. So he’s taken on golf. Golf is his new thing. Because one of his best friends from high school and college, him and his family have to move a lot because of work. And they lived in Colorado before; they just moved back to Colorado. And he’s a huge golfer. Loves to go play golf. So it’s like the perfect way to hang out with his friend, and then cool off from stress whenever he can.

So anyway, he is golfing more often. And he golfed a ton while I was out of town. So he won this glow in the dark golf tonight. So I have the house all to myself. So I might have to watch Bachelor in Paradise. Or the Bachelor finale. I don’t know. Golf takes like 2 hours, the one he’s playing. And Bachelor takes 18. It’s really hard to get through it. Especially when it’s the most boring season of all time. I thought Nick’s season was boring. Rachel’s was just as bad. But whatever. Hopefully I can talk about it someday. The people who don’t give a sh*t, they don’t care. But hopefully I can talk about the finale at some point. I know what happens anyway. I know Bryan gets picked; don’t care.

So, that’s what I have going on this weekend. Trying to get back to normal life. Getting some recipes done. Building a relationship with my husband. My sister-in-law just moved into a new apartment, so we’re moving her. And moving sucks. So if there are any hot dudes out there that are single, successful, and not f*cking psycho, you can totally date my sister-in-law. You have to be in your 30s. You can totally date my sister-in-law and help her move. That would be fantastic. Ok? All these dudes. All these dudes are f*cking crazy. Or like 23. Why is everybody so young and cray-cray?

Ok. So I want to talk about this trip. I did a full blog post about this. So if you miss any of these details, you can always go to my blog. But, talking about the trip is so much easier than typing it all down, because then I’m like; ok, this is post is so f*cking long. I feel like I should cut it down. Talk less about this. So here I can actually talk about all the details of the trip completely, and things I would do differently next time. The pros and cons, that sort of stuff.

So. Background. My friend Vanessa of the website Clean Eating with a Dirty Mind, we’ve been friends for years now through the interwebz, and we’ve hung out many times. We went on book tour together. She’s awesome. I could not travel across the country with anyone else. Her and I just get each other. If we get annoyed, that annoyance goes away in two seconds. She’s just so f*cking cool. We just get each other. We’re just on the same wavelength, you know? You have all those friends, many of which you don’t get on that same wavelength. She and I get it.

So anyways. She had this trip last year through the Caribbean. I think she went to St. Thomas, and St. Vincent. And she was on this boating trip. I just saw her photos and videos, and I was like, oh my god that looks so f*cking cool. Blah, blah, blah. So while they were on this boat last year, they booked another trip for the next year. Because when you book it when you’re in international waters you don’t have to pay taxes or some money saving deals like that. So this one person of the group put it on their credit card, booked the whole trip, and everybody else paid him individually for the 5 cabins total.

So. It gets closer to the date. A couple that was on their trip, they broke up and backed out of the trip. So they were looking for someone to fill it. Well, Vanessa is a gem and she asked me. Because I love her so much. And it’s funny because I’m friends were like, “Who is fun to get drunk and party on a boat with?” So I don’t know why she chose me. Because I’m not very good at drinking. But she did. I got to go.

So of course I book it. And ask my husband. He can’t go. Ask my sister-in-law. She can go. And we made it work. So we fly out to St. Martin and we drive 30 minutes outside of the hotel to the Westin. We stayed at the Westin in St. Martin for the first night. And then for the last night of the trip. And it’s just a good idea to get in a day early if you can. Just because, obviously, flights get canceled or changed. Especially if you’re in winter and it’s just kind of craziness going on.

So our flight was totally fine. Nothing changed. But you never know what could happen. So it’s good to get there a day early so you don’t miss the first night on the boat and leaving. I think they come back to get you if you miss the first night. But that sucks, right? You paid for it.

So we go to the Westin. My friend Vanessa gets married. She is now married. She got married, and this poor girl. She has the ceremony, and it was just a total sh*t show. She just wanted her husband and they needed two witnesses. So it was me and her friend Rhonda was the other witness. So we literally just drove into the hotel. Hung out for a second. And then she got ready and we went to the beach. Her florist didn’t show up. So she didn’t have her flowers that she had ordered. The priest was just a f*cking sh*t show. Pastor; I don’t know. I don’t know the difference. But whoever he was, he was a hot mess. The ordained; I don’t know.

Jackson, come over here so I can scratch you.

So this guy is just a sh*t show. He asked all of our names, and then during the ceremony, he was looking at Brad, Vanessa’s now husband, and he goes. “Julian.” Speaking to him. He’s like, “My name is not Julian.” Because, hey guys. My name is Julian. That’s my birth name. I don’t know. My OG name. So, all other females; who did he think was Brad? What the f*ck? So he kept messing up everybody’s name. He was taking forever. And then the photographer was terrible. It was just a sh*t show. Poor Vanessa.

But we went to a really nice dinner afterwards, at the hotel. Highly recommend this hotel. It has the friendliest staff I’ve ever been around. People always say that people in Jamaica are friendly, when we went to Jamaica. I found the people in the Caribbean so much; well, where we were in the Caribbean, so much nicer. Even the little French town. The nicest.

So, anyway. The wedding wasn’t the best. But I told her; I was like, who cares. Honestly, some people wedding days are a huge deal. But it is really not that big a deal. Because there are so many years after your wedding day. And you could save all that money for those years. Think about that wedding, however much it costs, depending on what you do. That is so much money you could put into a house, or savings, or retirement. You know? But whatever.

So the next day we kind of hang out at the hotel. Because you don’t ship out, or sail out, until 5 p.m. So we kind of hung out at the hotel. And then we went to town to get a drink and meet up with everybody else. So there were 10 people total on the boat. And I didn’t know anybody else other than my sister-in-law, Vanessa, and I had met Vanessa’s husband before, so I knew him. But I didn’t know the rest of the group. So we all met up, had a drink, hung out. And then we went onto our boat.

So the company is called Trade Winds. I had never heard about this company before I stepped foot on this boat. Because we had kind of come in last minute and we weren’t part of the group to begin with, we weren’t sent the itinerary. We didn’t really know anything about this trip whatsoever. So we kind of were completely in the dark about it. And I’d never heard about Trade Winds until I saw it on the side of the boat. Or, I guess signed my life away in the; what is it called? Waiver. God, Jesus. {laughs} When I signed my life away with the waiver.

So you get there. You have already paid your cabin fee, because you have to pay it to book the trip. And then you pay; just so you know, our cabin fee was $1800. I believe it was $1800. Or maybe it was 17-something. Whatever. We paid about $900 per person. For that cabin; it was about $900 per person. And then the all-inclusive fee is $995. So you pay that right before you get on, and that all-inclusive covers all your food and drink for the trip. So we get on the boat. On the boat you have 5 different rooms; 5 different cabins. And you meet the first mate and the captain.

So our captain was named Jordan. I called him Jordy the whole time. He was this adorable 24-year-old kid. But is like so grown up at the same time. You can see his younger attributes at time when he would loosen up a little bit. But he’s manning this boat that has 10 drunk people on it, and making sure you don’t die in the ocean and sail into a storm and really die. So he’s an old soul in a way.

So we had Jordan, and we had Ryan as the first mate. And Ryan made all the meals. Jordan helped out with a lot of them, too. But Ryan made all the meals, then helped out with other boat stuff. He just doesn’t have his captain license quite yet.

So we get on, meet them. We set sail. First we went to; where did we go. I think we just hung out. I think we were just in Marigot Bay. Where all the boats are, there. So we just have dinner there. We watch the sunset. We hang out. It’s just gemmy. It’s just great.

So Trade Winds, if you’ve never heard about. I’d never heard about. And still, I don’t know all the information out there because I just came on last minute. So this is just me learning on the boat and then kind of reading on their website after the fact, so I could talk about it in a blog post and it would make sense. But on Trade Winds, they have 3 different kinds of boats. They have flagship class, cruising, and luxury class. And we were on the cruising class. I think that’s the cheapest of the boats. Every different boat has different stuff. One has a paddleboard. One serves nicer food than the other and has higher end alcohol, that sort of thing.

So we get on our cruising class, and the cabins are all pretty decent sized. Everybody; the people who booked the trip. They got to pick their room first, and then it was kind of down from there. So obviously we were the last pick. And I think we got a sweet room. I saw somebody else’s room, and I’m like, how did we get that room? Because Carra and I, my sister-in-law and I, we could be in that room and both be getting ready and still comfortable. It’s not like only one person could be in there. And it has a shower, and a bathroom, and sink, and a bed, and then it had a big drawer. So Carra used a drawer and I used the closet. So we had a ton of space to store everything. Nothing felt too cluttered. They took our suitcase after we unpacked everything so they could put the suitcase in the marina so it would feel more comfortable inside.

So we get our rooms. And with Trade Winds, you can either book a room on a boat. So I could come in, if a room was available, I could come in with a group of completely random people and book this one room. Or you can book the entire boat, and just kind of “rent it out” to your friends. Your friends can just pay you back doing that. So you can always do the whole boat, or you can just do a cabin. It is totally up to you. And they have those different offers.

And they sail all over the place. They go; and these are just off the top of my head. They go to the BVI; the British Virgin Islands. They go to French Polynesia. They go to Greece. I’m forgetting where else. They have a ton of different places that they go to. This was just one of their Caribbean stops that we were able to go through.

So I know they have a membership as well. I don’t know a ton about the membership, and I did see that as much information online. I think because the membership, they maybe do in open water so you don’t have to pay taxes on it. I think that’s the case, but don’t quote me on that. Am I going to get sued for that? I have no idea. So this is just totally based on my experience. And then as soon as I got back, I went to the Trade Winds website and I started looking at future trips. What’s it going to cost. And you can go to their website, and you can see, oh you can book the luxury class for French Polynesia for this much. And then you can click what’s the cruising class look like, and you can pick cruising instead, and see what that price is. So you can really pick it to your needs and price point, kind of.

So anyway. We got on this boat. We hang out in the bay. We just kind of get to know each other. Get our little drink on. And in the 7 days, we went to 12 stops. So. Let’s give a little breakdown. I’m pulling it up so I don’t miss any. We did Marigot Bay, Creole Rock, Colombier Bay, Gustavia, Ile Fourchue, Grand Case; Jordan said I’m such an American when I said “grand case.” Whatever. Dog Island, Road Bay, Sandy Island, Prickly Pear Island, Meads Bay, and Rendezvous Bay. So we went to all these different Bays and Islands and areas. So cute.

So, I’m going to go through all the different stops, and then I’ll kind of do the pros and cons about the trip. So we started in Marigot Bay. And that’s, I think, really close to the airport. So that’s where you hop in the marina. There’s a ton of different shops and restaurants around town. We kind of wandered that the last night. We actually wandered into this piano bar when we were looking for an ATM and got lost. We wandered into this piano bar, and nobody was in there yet because it was like 8 p.m. And I was having a grumpy day. I’ll explain later.

I was having a grumpy day. And the server, the bartender. I was like, I need a strong drink; no sugary drink. So I got an extra-dirty martini. And I’m like; I cannot listen to piano music. Because the piano player wasn’t there yet. And I was like; I need some dance. I need you to pick me up. His name was Luke. I was like, Luke. Pick me up. Put me on your shoulders, Luke. Because he was very attractive, as well. I’m like, pick me up, carry me away. So he turned on dance music, made me the best dirty martini. I was on the floor drunk because I was buzzed before. He just really lifted my spirits.

But that piano bar was so cool. I loved that spot. I have no idea what it’s called other than piano bar. But if you’re in St. Martin, look it up. Go find Luke. Stare at him because he’s beautiful. He lives on a boat with his wife and children. He’s so cute. I just love handsome men. They’re just so nice to look at.

So next after Marigot Bay, we go to Creole Rock. So Creole Rock has amazing snorkeling, and you can see a ton of different fish and sting rays and stuff that freaks me the f*ck out when I’m swimming next to it. So I did not partake in the snorkeling, I just did the floating. I know snorkeling is really cool. I know scuba diving is really cool. And I’m just not into it, ok. I’ve tried, it freaks me out. Cool? Ok.

Next we moved to Colombier Bay. And this was one of my favorite stops on the whole trip. I loved this bay. I think we were there; we were there for a full night. Like, full day and full night, I think. And the bay is super secluded. So there are only maybe three other boats, if that, there. And when we were on the beach, maybe two other people on the beach. Maybe up to four. It was a super secluded beach. You can walk the whole beach, but then you can also take a trail up, and it goes into St. Bart’s. So you can take this trail pretty much to down. We didn’t take it all the way into this sleepy looking little down. Just because it was getting dark outside and we didn’t know, really, where we were going. But we just kept taking this trail.

And this trail was kind of mountainy, but it had these stairs leading up. It was just stunning. Because it overlooks the ocean, of course. Like everything. It was so stunning. And the trail was littered with turtles. Turtles everywhere. And goats. There were all these baby goats that were f*cking so cute! And then lizards, and just all kinds of creatures everywhere you turned. We almost stepped on turtles multiple times, there were so many. So we did that trail, and it was stunning. It was so pretty.

We also had this dude who was running the trail. So it’s this big, black, beautiful man just glistening. Has a 14-pack. But he was wearing those spandex pants. Like, full black pants. And it’s like 90 degrees, humidity 150%, and he’s running in pants. And every time he’d run by, he’d kind of move his hand, like, “move the f*ck out of the way b*tches.” Oh, sorry, I’m looking at the turtles, you douche. So he’d be like, get out of the way, so we’d get out of the way. And his sweat would splatter upon me. Like he’s sweating so much. Can you imagine how stinky down under is? I can’t. I can’t. But he was really nice to look at. He ran past us like 46 times, back and forth. We were like; we get it. You’re fast. We get it. Ok.

So yeah. I loved Colombier Bay. If you can go there, it’s so cute. And at the end of this trail, we could see it went into town, and there was almost a little swimming hole. These rocks had built around it, and the water kind of stayed more calm right there, and it was like this little swimming area. But we didn’t want to go because we didn’t want to get stuck in the dark. Because it was getting dark pretty fast. But so cute.

And then next we went to Gustavia. A lot went down in Gustavia. So this was the first spot I could get Wi-Fi. Which was a big deal. I was like, ok I need to find a coffee shop. I need to get work done. Because life does not stop when you run your own business. So I had to get to some Wi-Fi. Took my computer with me, and just started wandering. Looking for a coffee shop. And I ran into this place called Tom’s Juice Bar. Obsessed. This was the cutest little juice bar. It was like upstairs in this little villa type place. And it had, when I walk in. Just imagine a cute little juice bar. But it has all these homemade drinks. But then it has homemade treats. And then it had my favorite granola. It had Purely Elizabeth granola, which was started in Boulder, Colorado. So that was pretty rad. Because this is in St. Barts, still.

So we get these little cacao cold-brew coffee juice type things. So delicious. So pissed we didn’t get larges. That was our biggest regret for a long time. Especially when we were drunk, and going on and on about how we wished we would have ordered larges. So we had that. I got some work done. And then we go to a place called Bo Kao. I have no idea if I’m saying it correctly. But it was; maybe a Thai. I don’t know. They had ceviche that was fantastic. No; oh my gosh, it was like a Peruvian restaurant. That’s what it was. It was Peruvian. A Peruvian-Asian mix, I believe. No, I’m serious though. It was Peruvian. So I had this aji, I believe it was aji. It’s Peruvian yellow pepper paste. I don’t know how to say anything. God I suck on this podcast. But it was that with coconut and mahi-mahi. And it was so freaking good.

So as we’re doing this; having some lunch. Because we just decided to have lunch, because we didn’t know where everybody else was. Because everybody else came ashore. You don’t really have; none of us knew if our cellphones would work. I have Travel Pass with Verizon, so my phone works great when you have service, and then Wi-Fi even better. But not everybody’s phone was working, or they even had it on. So we kind of lost track of the group. Finally find someone, and guess what we find out? Rhonda, who was one of the head people on this trip, helped put it together. She rented a scooter, and she ran into a wall.

So it was like; you’re coming up on a left turn type of thing, and you meant to hit the break and you hit the gas instead. Runs into a wall, breaks three ribs. She, I forget what she did to her ankle. She strained some tendons in her ankle, so she didn’t break it. So she has to go to the hospital in St. Bart’s. And we don’t really know what’s going down. We just know that they had to go to the hospital. And we just kind of wait. And then they go back to pick her up, and she’s in so much pain. If you’ve never broken a rib; I have not. You probably don’t know how much pain it is. But coming from my husband, who doesn’t really like to show pain at all. He’s broken a rib, and he said it was the worst experience of his life.

And there’s nothing you can do about this pain. (sorry, I had to let the dog out.” There’s nothing you can do about this pain. It’s not like you can mend these ribs. They just have to heal on their own. So there we go. She is stuck in a lot of pain. And the doctor wants her to come back the next day. So we had to wait in Gustavia to go back the next morning, go back to the hospital. So as we’re waiting, and she’s at the hospital, and we don’t really know what’s going on. We’re like; you know what? Let’s just f*cking get drunk. There’s nothing else to do; why don’t we just get drunk here?

We get pretty drunk, and then we’re still kind of bored on the boat. We didn’t want to go back to town because we’d kind of seen everything in town. So we’re like; ok. Let’s snorkel. Because I hadn’t snorkeled yet. And I was like, I’m just going to give it a fair chance. I’m going to try this snorkeling thing. So we started snorkeling. And we’re not seeing anything. And we keep swimming towards the spot that our captain said it would be good snorkeling.

And this guy is in a little tiny boat, and he keeps waving. I’m like, what the f*ck? Stop waving at me. I trust no one. I listen to many murder podcasts. I know what happens to people who trust others. Especially in a tiny boat who is telling me to swim towards him. No thanks! So I just put my head down and keep on swimming.

And then we see nothing. And we’re pretty close to the rock where there would be good snorkeling. I’m like, Vanessa. That’s a jellyfish. And I’m 100% not down to be in this water anymore. Ok? I saw one fish, and then I saw some jellyfish and I’m f*cking over it. So we start swimming back. And this guy keeps waving to us. And I’m like, what the f*ck? Leave us alone. Then he starts taking his little podunk boat towards us. And I’m like, Vanessa! He’s chasing us! And I’m probably drunk at this point. Well, I am. And I’m like, let’s get out of here. So we’re swimming towards the boat. And he finally gives up.

So we find out a little bit later that there were jellyfish all over. All over, not just the one we saw. And there were some sharks in there. And not like great white sharks and probably sharks that wouldn’t give a sh*t about you. Who knows. I don’t know. I don’t know what sharks do, and I don’t want to find out. But there were sharks in the water there, and so he was probably yelling at us for that. But I’m thinking of the moving Taken, and I’m not going to be Taken in St. Bart’s. {laughs} That would actually probably be very nice. But no. Not happening to me, no thank you! So we got out of the water.

But anyway. That was Gustavia. If you can go to Gustavia, you have to. It’s like this town is full of Dulce and Gaba, Gucci, Fendi. It’s like, all the most expensive stores that I’ve never shopped at in my life, and probably will never shop at. But it’s very French. Very high end, high class. Very rich. And there’s Tom’s Juice Bar. Which makes it all great.

What was very surprising; not surprising, but surprising. Everyone, because most of the people on our boat, too, and then everyone while we traveled smoked. And it’s just like; over there, they have those cigarette packages that have people on their deathbed. They had some weird one of a skinny naked guy curled up in the fetal position. I was like; what is this? Is this supposed to show depression? I’m not sure what the package is trying to give off. But I’m grossed out. I don’t want to smoke it. There’s a naked dude on it. Gross. Naked dude, skinny, curled up bodies aren’t sexy. Personally.

So it was just weird to see everybody smoking. Just because; believe me, I smoked a decent amount in college. I went through a stage; I had a boyfriend who smoked and who chewed. So I went through a stage of smoking. Just went through random stages. Like in high school, because this one skinny girl I wanted to be like, she smoked so I smoked like her. And then I had a boyfriend who smoked. So I was obviously very stupid.

But it’s so weird when you see adults smoking. When you’re like; you know how bad that is for you. There are so many things that are better for you out there. And you still smoke. But whatever; I guess I was drinking and drinking is poison, too. So who am I to judge? Hmm? Who am I?

So next we went to; and I’m probably pronouncing it wrong. But it’s Ile Fourchue, in St. Bart’s. And so this island; this is the island we went to after the whole accident went down. So Rhonda is high on drugs, on pain medication. Her boyfriend, who was on the back. He is probably hung over, and then he was on medication as well because he was in the accident. So he has some sickness and dehydration going on. Probably some sunstroke. Other people have sunstroke. And now the dehydration has set in.

Because here’s the thing; no one drinks enough water. Very few people, I’m thinking right now, how thirsty I am. Very few people drink enough water. So then you put yourself in the crazy sun of the Caribbean, so hot all day and you’re still not drinking that much water, you’re going to get dehydrated so fast. You’re in the salt water; you’re sweating all that water out. So we had a lot of sickness this day on Ile Fourchue. So we have multiple people puking off the back of the boat. There was definitely some sea sickness going on, for people who have some issues with boat and sea sickness.

So we get to this island; Ile Fourchue. And it’s beautiful. Nobody is there. Literally no one is there. Which was the same case for multiple islands that we went to. And this island is very rocky. It kind of reminds me of where I grew up in Golden, like it has these low little mountains. I don’t know. Just low little mountains. So you can hike up it. So me and my sister-in-law started to go hiking, and she immediately pukes. {laughs} So she sits on the beach and just is like; she said that she kept just puking, and the water would take it away. And then she’d puke again, and the water. So she wasn’t having a good time.

Vanessa started to come up with me, and she felt sick, so she had to go a different direction on the mountain. Because I just wanted to go straight up. I didn’t want to go to the side; I just wanted to go straight up, get it over with. And the trail wasn’t really happening. So I’m like; I’m just going to forge my own trail. Which, as we know, as humans, that’s not always the best idea. I immediately step on a cactus.

And I had to buy these sh*tty little shoes, because pro tip. Bring f*cking hiking shoes. Or tennis shoes. I did not do that, because Vanessa didn’t tell me to. I just thought we were going to be on a boat 24/7. I’m like, why do I need tennis shoes if I’m on a boat? Well, you do. And that would have been very helpful. Because I had to buy these little $20 sh*t-ass Keds type shoes in St. Martin. And of course, the cactus went right through it, into my foot, which was swollen for the whole week. I thought my foot was going to fall off. But it’s fine.

So, I went up this mountain. And it was the most beautiful view. I hate hiking, but I totally get why people like seeing views. I just don’t give a sh*t about Colorado views when you’re seeing all these mountains. Maybe because I grew up in mountains. But when you get to see the ocean; where you’re like, literally it looks like the world. You can see the end of the earth. It’s crazy to me. So that was fun.

Then we went to Grand Case in St. Martin. So halfway through the trip, they have you go eat in one of the towns that you stop in. And this is so they can clean the boat and clean all the linens, and the towels, and just get everything kind of pressed and ready to go. So the whole group goes out for a dinner. So we went to Grand Case, and we went to a place called Calmos Café. And had amazing food on the beach. Literally, as you’re eating, your toes are getting dipped in the water because the tide starts coming up higher and higher. So we all had dinner there, and that was really good.

And then, there was a gelato place. Just a couple of doors down. And Vanessa and I got down on some gelato, and it was magical. Gelato is the best. Dessert is the best. Vanessa and I are really the only people who ate dessert. And I had ceviche with French fries. I mean, does it get better than that? No.

Next stop was Dog Island. So don’t be alarmed. Well, not alarmed. Don’t be disappointed. There were no dogs on this island. It’s a bullsh*t lie. But there were birds. I’m not sure why it’s not called bird island. Because it’s like a bird sanctuary. I don’t know, maybe the guy who chose its last name was dog. I don’t know. But it’s owned by Anguilla. And it was my favorite island. My favorite. It’s like, you can only go on the beach. You can’t go into the island because it’s private property. It’s like a bird sanctuary. So it’s like, don’t touch the birds. And there’s other wildlife, like cows or something. I don’t know. Don’t care. The beach was the softest, whitest, most beautiful beach. And it was just stunning. It was just awesome. There’s really nothing to say about it, it’s just so beautiful. I highly recommend going there if you can.

And then we went to Road Bay next. So Road Bay, it’s like a little. I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain it. It’s like a little town. But our captain, Jordan, told us that it was a sleepy little town. And this town played music. Imagine reggae all night long until you wake up, and it’s going hard. And it’s like a DJ talking. It’s literally they don’t sleep. They just party all night long. So I don’t know how the f*ck it’s a sleepy little town. But it was really cool. And I got to workout on the beach there, and get good workouts in. And they had restaurants that lined the beach; restaurants and bars. So you can go get drinks. So we got expensive drinks on the beach there. But just totally worth it because we could swim ashore and get drinks with our feet in the sand. It was just delightful.

And then we had Sandy Island. And Sandy Island is this little remote island in the middle of the ocean that has these beautiful palm trees and a bar. That’s it. You just go get a drink. An expensive drink. {laughs} And then you sit on the beach. And it’s like a pretty touristy spot. So get there early. Because I think the bar opens at 11. But if you can get there before, just kind of enjoy it. Because it picks up really quickly. But it was so cute, and the sand was beautiful. Just super nice.

And then we went to Prickly Pear Island, which is also Anguilla. And another beach that was dead. It was a beach that had a bar and a restaurant, but it didn’t seem like they were open. It was in the afternoon, so who knows if it’s still open. But there was only one other couple on the beach when we were there. We were the only other people there. And it was beautiful. Just so nice. I’m guessing why they call it Prickly Pear is because they had those little prickers. You know those little things that are like balls, and they have spikes all over them? That’s what would get stuck in your feet while you were walking. So Prickly Pear fo’sho. But beautiful beach. It’s hard to get into. It’s hard to dinghy into. But it is stunning.

Then, where else did we go? Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. I have so many different places, I’m losing track. Then we went to Meads Bay. Meads Bay in Anguilla. So, Meads Bay. At this time when we were sailing, the festival Carnival was going on. And so it was going through different islands or different areas of Anguilla. And it would have a huge show, so it was like a huge party. And we had just missed it the night before at Roads Bay. So it was at Meads Bay. And I was pumped. Because here’s the thing. I was on a boat with all people; most people who like dance music. And a lot of dance music was going on. But to me, I listen to dance music because I want to dance. Especially if you even get one cocktail in me. I’m going to start dancing. And nobody else was dancing. So I was like, sweet. Whatever. I’ll go to shore and I’ll get to go dance. Reggae is not my kind of music, but I can dance to anything. I’ll f*cking pull it out.

So we go in, and there’s a huge stage. And there’s vendors all around. And people have drinks. And they’re all crowded around the stage. And literally no one is dancing. Could you imagine being at a concert, or a show, and everybody is standing there. No one is moving. There’s a girl or two moving her hips just a little bit. Just a little twerk of the ass. One cheek, two cheek, three cheek, you know what I’m saying. That’s it. Nobody was dancing. I was like, this sucks! So I kept trying. And I was like, this blows. I’d rather just go wade in the water and pee. So that’s what I did.

But I had a great workout on that beach. Swam to shore. I was a swimmer growing up, and I forgot how hard swimming is. And my triceps were so sore. Well, not sore, but on fire while I was swimming. It was awesome. It kind of makes me want to swim again. I just hate getting my hair wet in a nasty ass chlorine pool that I probably just peed in.

Anywho. Next is Rendezvous Bay. So this was a very different kind of bay that we went to. Because we went to a bar and restaurant that is owned by some famous singer that I’ve never heard of before, but his name is Banksy Banks. Not exactly clever with the name. No offense to him. But the most magical voice you will ever hear.

So you know John Legend. John Legend has this calming, cooling, beautiful voice. So it’s a mixture of John Legend and kind of Bob Marley-ish. I know. I’m not making it. Whatever, he’s a beautiful singer. It was so good.

So we go to this bar restaurant, and we get to listen to Banksy Banks sing and play, just for us. Nobody else is there at the moment. And then also, first mate Ryan, he is a musician, and he plays the guitar. So he played for us a ton. And then he got to play with Banksy Banks. How cool is that? So we got to watch them play together. And then Jordan strummed the guitar. I was like, what is happening? Such an odd thing.

And so we were like, the one thing we all regretted was we went in, and everyone was to shore, and everyone was having a good time. And they were like; well do you want to eat here or eat on the boat. And we didn’t want to make Ryan go away from playing. And everybody was like, let’s just stay here. But then it ended up costing us like $80 for our food and drink, of not the most amazing food ever. I was just like, how did this become $80, when we could have just eaten on the boat for the money we had already spent. So that was kind of a bummer. Because you still want to get drinks at some places and spend that money, but then you’re like; ok, I’m running out of money kind of quickly. But I’ll get into that in a second. So we see him play, and it’s wonderful. And then we went back. That was our last stop. Then we went back to Marigot Bay for our last night.

So some of the cool things that happened while we were on the trip. We got to see Captain Jordan catch a fish, twice. He caught a fish, got it onto the boat, and then the line broke, so he lost the fish. And then the second one. He got this, I forget what it was called. Some kind of tuna. Blonde fish tuna maybe? Or something like that. We got this tuna, so we got to have the tuna right out of the ocean and have it sashimi style. And then they also caught lobsters. So they got this lobster, pull them out. And I’m starting to get super depressed. I’m all for eating animals, it’s just sad seeing them, knowing they’re going to die. Seeing them stuck. It’s sad. It’s sad. So I’m getting all sad.

But, as they pull the second lobster out; Jordan pulls the second lobster out, and it is f*cking; it’s not going home with us. That’s what it’s saying. It’s like, I will fight you to the death motherf*cker. So Jordan kind of lifts it up, and you can see that it’s pregnant. Literally, eggs everywhere. It’s really gross. But he left it, obviously, back in the ocean. So we had one lobster, and cooked that lobster up. And had the tuna sashimi. So that was really cool to see him catch a fish. It’s crazy how exhausting catching a fish is.

We loved having Ryan play his guitar. He was such a good musician. Loved getting to see Banksy Banks. Tom’s Juice Bar was totally my favorite in Gustavia. And then the meals that they cook on the boat are all incredibly delicious. So you get a starter. You get an entrée. And then you get a dessert every time. And they always make you drinks and ask if you want any wine with dinner, or lunch, or whenever you’re eating. So all the meals were amazing. There was fish one night. There were; what else. There was pork loin. We had frittatas in the morning. I said I was gluten free, so they made flourless chocolate cake, and they got gluten free bread for any of the breakfast stuff.

The one thing I wish I would have done. I wish I would have said no eggs. Because I can eat eggs just fine, it’s just my skin breaks out. So it just always sucks when you’re sunscreened up, anyways so your skin is going to break out. Then you add on, what’s it called. Like an allergy on top of it. So I wish I would have asked for no eggs. But you get to pick, when you fill out this little survey beforehand, you get to say what kind of drinks you like. What you stay away from. Say you have some sort of allergy. And they work around that. So that’s super helpful. But all the meals were awesome.

Oh my gosh. My sister-in-law just stopped by, so that was just a surprise, surprise. Sorry for the interruption. So all the meals were so, so amazing. And they really work around whatever you need. And I’m so stupid. They’re like, “What’s your favorite drink?” What do I say? Sparkling water. Because I’m like, I don’t really have a favorite drink. And they meant like an alcoholic beverage. And I say water. Because I’m like, “Well I only really drink water.” I’m f*cking stupid.

So other favorite parts were I got to sit in the dolphin seat. Which they have this seat that kind of pokes out the front of the boat. They have two of them, and it feels like you’re on a rollercoaster. It goes up and down when you’re sailing. It’s so much fun. They also have a hammock; not all boats, but this boat. Jordan hung up a hammock to sleep in at night. So I was finally like; can I lie in that before you put it away for the day? And I got to lie in it. And it’s like you’re flopping all around like a little ragdoll. It’s just the best time. It was so much fun, I wish I would have done that more.

Some of the things you should definitely bring on a trip is cash for tips, restaurants, and shops. The one thing I did not like about the trip was the last day. Not only did we spend a lot of money at the Banksy Banks place, and that was our choice. But then when we got to Marigot Bay for that night, we expected to eat dinner on the boat. And they were like, hey we’re all going to go to this restaurant and eat dinner there. And we looked at this restaurant, and it’s like $30 for a burger. It’s like, just a little excessive when you’ve paid $1,000 for your all-inclusive fee. So that was kind of a bummer.

And we’re like; we’re spending more money. And we wanted to make sure we had enough tips to tip them. Because I think they say 15-18% of the all-inclusive fee. And so, we wanted to make sure we wanted to have enough tip. So we ended up having to go to an ATM. But going to that touristy restaurant cut into that tip money. They could have gotten more money. So we were just kind of forced to eat out that last night when I was like, I just want to spend my last time on the boat. I can go hang out at these bars and restaurants when I’m not sailing anymore. We were sleeping on the boat that night.

So it was just kind of; that was a weird part that I’m like, this is cutting into the tips that Jordan and Ryan have worked so hard for. So I don’t know if they were made to do that, or they just wanted to do that. But I wasn’t super into that. So it’s good to have a decent amount of cash on hand. It’s better to have more, so you don’t have to go to the ATM. Because I haven’t even looked at the charge of the fees that I get for using that ATM with their bank, plus with my own bank. So I don’t even want to look at the fee. So that was kind of a bummer. It was just more money than I thought I would spend, just because of that last day more than anything.

Definitely recommend bringing floats. If you don’t have a float, you just don’t get to float as much. And we left our floats, so hopefully they kind of transfer those over to more boats. They just keep the floats in case anybody doesn’t have any. But I think they do, because they had noodles and other stuff that we were able to play with. But we brought our own floats that I just bought on Amazon that kind of folded down.

Bring lots of conditioner and leave-in conditioner, I guess unless you’re a dude. But ladies; your hair gets f*cking torn apart out at sea. It’s just whipped around. It’s in a tangled mess. I did a topknot every day because I couldn’t keep it down anymore. I was like, I literally can’t even put a hat on because it’s such a rat’s nest. So I had to just put it in some sketch ass bun.

Sneakers for hiking. Made that mistake. Will not do that again. More sunscreen than ever. You can always buy sunscreen when you get there, it’s just expensive. But I just did a bunch of travel on ones. The 3.4. and my sister-in-law and I shared those, and we were totally fine.

A water bottle that holds ice and keeps it cold and doesn’t sweat. And then you drink way more than you would if it’s just in a glass getting warm by the second. Lots of sunglasses, coverups to kind of get your shoulders out of the sun. Shorts and T-shirts to wear when you’re in a town. Because I didn’t really put more clothes on than that.

And if you get seasick, definitely bring some Dramamine. I know that a couple of people on the boat got these little patches that you can put behind your ear, but they’re prescription ones. So if you can get those ahead of time, that’s awesome. But I have never had seasickness. I don’t know what that feels like. Even when we were in our cabin, and we were rocking back and forth. To me, that’s just rocking in your mother’s arms as a child. It just feels comforting more than anything. So yeah, I loved it. But just keep that in mind, that you can definitely get seasick.

So I didn’t say all the places, because I was forgetting it. But Trade Winds; and this is not sponsored by Trade Winds. This is totally my experience with them. I would totally tell you if it was. But they do Caribbean, South Pacific, Central America, and the Mediterranean. So now I really want to do French Polynesia, Grenadine, BVI, and Greece. It’s just like, now I can’t imagine just going to an all-inclusive hotel and just staying there. Because this had all these activities built in. Because you’re going island hopping, and you’re going exploring. And you’re not just stuck.

So we went back to our hotel after we got off the boat the last morning. So you spend the night the last night, and then you have breakfast the morning off. And then they’re like, get off our boat! {laughs} Get out of here, we have to get cleaned up and get the next people on. So we went back to our hotel, the Westin that we stayed at before. And if I could do anything different, I would bring more cash for sure. And I would say, “hey can we actually eat dinner here.” Because that’s what we paid for, and I don’t drink that much alcohol. So I know I haven’t drank my money yet. {laughs} So can we do the food instead.

But the big thing I would change, is we went back to our hotel and stayed at our hotel the night, and then we had a flight out the next day at 2:30. I would have, since we get off the boat by 9, I would have just booked my flight that same day at 2:30, go to the beach and hang out. Because there’s the beach that’s right next to the airport that people always have video of a plane right above them. I would have just gone to that beach, checked it out, and then gone straight to the airport. Because then you’re paying for more taxis. You’re paying for a hotel. You’re paying for your food at the hotel. So it’s just way more extra money for that last night when we could have just flown home, been in our own beds. Got the day over with with flying. So that’s my biggest regret. I wish I would have just gone straight home and saved just a little extra money. So that’s how I see it. What I would have done differently.

But now; my husband and I have always talked about getting a vacation home. And now I’m like, I don’t want a vacation home. I just want to travel every year to a new place and sail to different islands and different oceans. Just so freaking cool. It was such a sweet experience. If you can do it, I highly recommend it. It’s such an amazing way to see places that you maybe never would. Because maybe you go to St. Bart’s, and you stay in St. Bart’s. But you’re not going to go, most likely, to 12 different areas when you’re going to one island. You’ll go to maybe 3 or 4, but not 12. So this is just such an amazing way to see the world from a different angle, I guess. That sounds so corny. But it was so cool, and I highly recommend it. If you can make it happen in your life, do it. It was awesome.

And I did a full blog post with a sh*t ton of pictures on my blog if you just go to the travel section of I have a list of everything we did, all the photos. I even share swimsuits and coverups that I took with me. Sunglasses. All that jazz. So I just do a huge breakdown there. And you can ask any questions that you have, and hopefully I can answer some of them. But yeah, it’s the best. It was the coolest experience. I can’t wait to go back. And I can’t wait for my husband to experience it. Because it’s so sad when you experience such an amazing thing without your significant other. Now I have to make up for it with sushi and Comedy Works. If you guys haven’t been to Comedy Works in Denver, it’s the best. It’s the best comedy place ever.

Ok, that’s all I have for now. And since I’ve been gone, and people have been covering shifts for me, I have to go work a couple of shifts at the gym tonight. So I’ve got to get on my way. Get to doing stuff. Get to marinating a flank steak to make for myself tonight. The guy was like, do you want this entire flank steak? I was like, yeah, yeah, sure. Then it was 3 pounds and like $36. I was like, oh, sweet. Dinner by myself. Dinner for one for 3 pounds. Perfect.

Ok. That’s all I have to tell you about today. Head to the blog. This week I shared a swimsuit that I wore in the Caribbean. A one-piece swimsuit. I shared the travel post. And then I also shared a recipe for coconut ceviche, which was inspired by a recipe I had at that Bo Kao place in Gustavia. And then I also shared a jicama apple slaw inspired by something I ate while I was in Austin. So go try out those recipes. I also shared all my workouts that I did in the Caribbean. And those were all workouts that I made up on the spot with no weights, just your body weight. So if you’re traveling and you don’t have any weights. Or you’re on a beach. Or you’re in your hotel room. This would be a great option. So head to the blog for that.

I didn’t yawn that many times this podcast around. Not too shabby, ok? Ok. I’m off to coach. I’ll see you next time. See you next week! Have a grand case day. Whatever that means. Love you, bye!

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Oh, Hi! I’m Juli.

I’m a food hoarder. And a really bad dancer. If you don’t know me well, you will probably not understand my humor. Therefore, I apologize ahead of time. Thanks for listening to my ramblings of my ever-changing life and trusting my kitchen mishaps. Your trust in me is appreciated.


2 thoughts on “Sailing Through The Caribbean – Episode 47: PaleOMG Uncensored Podcast”

  1. Hey girl!

    I just started listening to your podcast, WOW ARE YOU AMAZING!!! i listen to you on my way to school everyday since my commute is over an hour!!! I start my day on such a happier note with you just being real! you blow me away and i just wanted to thank you for keeping me entertained on my long commute! Keep doing what you’re doing!

    Your youngest fan!

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