Sergio’s Post: My Hatred for Juli Bauer

When an online fitness celebrity asks you to write a blog a blog post, you write a blog post.  Last week Juli aka Prom Queen, as she’s referred to at CF Broadway, asked me to guest appear on PaleOMG.  I’m not a writer, not even close.  Sh*t, I can barely string together comprehensive sentences when I’m hanging out with my friends, let alone put together a blog post that makes sense.  Needless to say, I laughed mischievously at her request and kindly obliged.  Then she started laying on all of the “but you can’t talk about” bullsh*t and soon everything I was going to put down on paper about was crossed off the list.

Then it hit me, like when I have to poop in the middle of a workout.  Having a friendship with an online fitness celebrity is hard, and honestly, kind of a pain in the ass.  And thus here are some stories on why I hate having the one and only Juli Bauer as my friend.

1.  I HATE Whole Foods.

This used to be one of my favorite activities.  Finish up working out, then drive over to Whole Foods for dinner.  I would stare at the hot bar, then begin filling up my container with the most stoner combinations imaginable. (I’m pretty sure bystanders thought I had the munchies. I don’t smoke weed. Sooooo, jokes on them.)  Now when I go to Whole Foods, Juli forces me into the bulk isle where I eat 3-45 Haystacks and/or chocolate covered walnuts.  I then venture over to the hot bar where I am no longer hungry due to all of the chocolate I consumed.  I fill up my container with 3 chicken wings and 1 piece kale, attempt to pay for my meal, and head home.  I say attempt to pay, because 96% of the time while I am standing in line I hear “Oh.MY.GOD!  Are you Juli Bauer?!”  At this point I generally throw my food down in a fit of rage and walk out of the store.  But on an off day, a day where I can escape her celebrity lifestyle, I pay for my food and head home.   At this point I usually find myself sitting on the couch, keeled over mid-stomach ache, livid with Juli because of the insulin spike she has forced my body into and the lack of food I have to eat for dinner.  I’ve now banned all PaleOMG gear during public outings when food is involved.  Things have yet to improve.

2.  Cheat Meals are best when shared with friends

I don’t know about you, but I cherish my cheat meals.  The longer I follow this Paleo/Paleish lifestyle, the more infrequent my cheat days have become.  Leading up to Regionals I think I may have had 1-2 cheat days in 2 ½ months.  That’s a long f’in time for me, so shut up. Somehow I managed to survive a wedding in Mexico at an all inclusive resort AND a 3-day music festival without straying too far from my diet.  So when I say I was excited to crush some Five Guys burgers and ice cream post Regionals, I mean it.  I went straight H.A.M on that business.   So picture this, it’s me, Juli, and our friend Sam hanging out in Juli’s living room.  We are all still in our workout clothes and Juli, the kind/giving soul that she is, decides to take off her shoes and share the lovely smell of her feet with Sam and myself.  You know how your shaker bottle smells after you use it and then leave it in the heat of your car for 4 days?  Yeah, I almost passed out.  Those little feet pack a punch.  But wait, things got worse, WAY worse.  In the time between when we ate and the drive back to Juli’s house, something happened.  Something bad happened.  Now bear with me because the details are hazy as I’ve tried to strike this from my memory, but it went something like this…The gluten from the hamburger bun and the ice cream must have started what I can only imagine to be WW3 inside of Juli’s stomach.  Something humorous was said by yours truly, and before I knew it I found myself outside, on her porch, in utter disbelief, sprinting towards my car with the realization that Juli is not allowed to eat gluten in my presence EVER AGAIN.

3.  Juli and I are OFFICIALLY married.

I am not dating Juli.  I am not Juli’s crush. But I AM getting the short end of the stick on this relationship.   I get all the emotional talks, the questions about relationships, and all the other “interesting stuff” girls talk about but none of the sex.  I can only assume this is how marriage plays out:  All talking, no loving.  I don’t mind sitting and listening to Juli’s problems, I mean hell she does the same for me.  But when everyone, and I do mean everyone, thinks we’re dating, I think I deserve some sort of compensation for all of the harassment.  I’m not asking Juli to trade kissy face for proper damage control, but I do think I’m entitled to a little reimbursement.   I think Juli should send a monthly gift, preferably her No-Bake Sticky Apple Bars or some other tasty treat, to me while I’m deployed to Afghanistan.  OR she could teach me some of those ridiculous dance moves that you all seem to love so much.  This way I can stop looking like I am mid-seizure on the dance floor or am forced to steal moves from my other friends (If I like your moves, Ill perfect it, then claim I invented it).  At the very least I should be allowed to stand behind Juli during workouts.  Preferably during squats and or deadlifts.  Juli has a nice butt, I should be allowed to appreciate it and use it for motivation when I workout.

Real talk though, Juli is one of my best friends.  She has helped me through a lot of sh*t over the last year.  She’s forced me to train harder than I ever have in the past and look forward to rest days.  She has taught me what not to say to girls, and has prepared me for when I do find the right one.  She has motivated me on a daily basis to become a better “athlete” through hard work and perseverance, because that’s how she approaches her training every day.  The Juli you read about daily isn’t some false identity.  That’s Juli.  Generally upbeat, usually positive, and always making everyone around her better.  While it’s hard living in the shadows of an internet phenom, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Oh, Hi! I’m Juli.

I’m a food hoarder. And a really bad dancer. If you don’t know me well, you will probably not understand my humor. Therefore, I apologize ahead of time. Thanks for listening to my ramblings of my ever-changing life and trusting my kitchen mishaps. Your trust in me is appreciated.


68 thoughts on “Sergio’s Post: My Hatred for Juli Bauer”

  1. Enjoyed the post Sergio! Nice to put a face to the name. Judging by the pic at the top of the post, you probably needn’t write a thing and could have just posted more photos of yourself. Just sayin’.

    …and now I sound like a creeper. Sigh.

  2. Awesome post! Not bad for someone who claims he doesn’t blog. I can see why you guys are besties. Yes, I agree with Brooke. Juli just needs to post more pictures of you 😉 you two are such a big deal.. if I were in Whole foods I’d stalk you two and would have no shame. 😉

  3. I’m sure if Juli doesn’t send you No Bake Sticky Apple Bars when you’re deployed several of her blog readers will after this post LOL

  4. Oh you made me laugh, your cheat meals and married talk were too funny and so telling of your friendship. Nice job on the guest post, it fit right in with the tone of her site and i would expect nothing less of a friend of hers!

  5. So, basically I learned one thing: neither you nor Juli know how to spell ‘aisle’ correctly. It’s a good thing you’re pretty, Serg.

  6. Just maybe, now someone in whole foods will yell “Sergio!” Especially with the FB picture Juli posted.

    Great post. Not sure when you deploy, but thank you for your service, it’s greatly appreciated!

  7. I agree with Kat, if we readers get your address in Afghanistan you may get more mail with treats than you thought possible! The Whole Foods bit made me spit water out my nose…which was unpleasant, but hey it happens

  8. Funny stuff! Read it while I have some Paleo Cinnamon Flax Bread in the oven so I can make French Toast with it in the morning. Sorry – can you tell I’m hungry?? Food aside, your post was great Sergio 😀 I laughed – a lot. And the picture is freakin’ adorable! You and Juli crack me up.

  9. *SIGH* This post made me so happy yet so sad. So happy because I am glad to see you both doing so well buy sad because I miss you both! Sending my love to you two so you can share the love…whatever that means!!! xoxox

  10. Oh Serg. *swoon* go sleepy byes with me please.

    Or, come back to the South Bay before you deploy so we can get obliterated.

  11. LOVED IT!! But I must agree with some of the previous posters–we need more pictures of Sergio! I mean, I love seeing pics of Juli’s paleo recipes, but this blog could definitely use more pics of some other types of paleo dessert 😉

  12. Great comments about the after effects of cheat days. Even if you eat paleo-ish, it is still hell on your insides when you fall off the wagon for a meal or two!

  13. This blog post literally describes my relationship with my best friend. Although she’s not an internet celebrity, she’s just as amazing as Juli. No one understands the dynamics of our friendship, but clearly you two would. She’s been a major driving force behind my will and want to change my life and for that, I’ll forever be grateful. She’s a very active reader to this blog. Being able to relate to Sergio, I wouldn’t mind reading more posts from him!

  14. great post! I think Sergio should write a guest post every few weeks. Thank you Sergio for your services as well!!!

  15. Mr Sergio, Thank you for your post and for your service! Do you plan to keep up paleo while deployed? I deploy soon too and only eat paleo-ish but am already seriously dreading how un awesome I will feel compliments of the AF defac. But I mean who doesn’t love meat “product” and smushy green beans out of a 4 gallon can every. single. day. 🙂

  16. Sergio, you just got celebrity status…now everyone (and by everyone I mean lots of hot chicks) will ask Juli “where’s Sergio?” in line at WFs!! Strategic move on your behalf. Post an address and you will get more paleo treats than you can eat while deployed! (ps love the trunks!)

  17. lol you are like the male juli. this was an awesome post, and def keep the pics coming! juli maybe you can have him rock those american flag shorts and hold the dish of the day… 😉

  18. Friggin’ A that was some funny stuff! After reading #2, I sniggered a LOT at ” I should be allowed to stand behind Juli during workouts…” Keep up the crazy good writing skills, and Sergio: thank you for your service, sir!

  19. Totally random! I was reading the blog last night and my fiance’ says, “my buddy works out at CF Broadway.” When I’m done, I scroll back to the top and he sees the picture and says, “that’s my buddy.” They went to the Academy together. Small world!

  20. Dear Sergio –

    Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but if I give you my number, will you call me, maybe?

  21. I love this blog! Sergio, thanks for starting my day off with a laugh! Juli sounds like a great friend to have! (as long as gluten isnt involved, lol)

  22. I’m with every other female here. Sergio can write/ post pictures any time. and ps. still speaking to someone after tolerating their rank feet smelliness…THAT is marriage my friend. I know that I’ve still wanted to eat my husbands face after he stepped off of a plane from quatar without a shower in I can only assume over a week on his way out of afghan. – That is true unadulterated love! You’re a lucky girl to have such a great best friend ms juli!!!

  23. HA! Nice work Sergio. Good news, bad news. Good news, you’ve already got the whole marriage thing figured out. Bad news, you’ll probably still have to experience the real thing for yourself someday. Sorry bro. Be safe in Afghanistan.

  24. Pretty sure you’ll eventually shack up and get some nuptials brewing. It’s just a fact.

    And happily married folk get plenty of sheet time worked in. I’m just sayin’!

  25. Honesty at its best! Absolutely loved this post, I hope Juli has you celebrity guest posting on a regular basis.. My co-workers now all know I’m crazy, as I sat here and LoL’ed at your entire post =D Totally awesome start to my Friday, you and Juli must be too freaking hilarious in the same vicinity.

  26. That was a great post! I was sighing hysterically! Especially at the part where “Juli is never allowed to eat gluten” because my husband says the same thing! Haha!! Your a great writer! And I am sure you will get lots of treats from Juli while your away.

    My brother just got home from Afganistan Memorial weekend after a tour that was a little more than a year long. Be safe on your journey and may God watch over you until you are home. Thank you for your service to keep us safe!

  27. Haha! Thoroughly enjoyed this post (of course, not as much as I enjoy THE Juli Bauer’s posts). But, I totally got a good laugh and even a little teary-eyed at the end there. Nice work Sergio.

  28. Great job Sergio! Pretty soon you’ll be at Whole Foods and they will be saying “there’s Sergio – Juli who?” Great job guys, keep it up! (PS – the overstuffed burgers were great on the grill last night!)

  29. Awesome! Even my husband was cracking up with the “Then it hit me, like when I have to poop in the middle of a workout.” Ahhh that’s the worst. You are a better writer than you give yourself credit for!

  30. I loved it! I want to be both you and Juli’s friend. I don’t know how you guys write so funny. I wish I was like that. I’m totally down for more posts from you Sergio!

  31. Sergio, did you expect so many girls to swoon over you, instead of actually respond to the post? LOL I like how you write! You & Juli seem to be a lot alike, so I can see why you’re so close. I think it’s hilarious that Juli’s nickname is Prom Queen…and she def has a nice butt, no lesbo. hahah I just made that up…wow. I’m so lame.

  32. greeting to all of you in! This website i found has great recipes. Sorry for English, born in Norway and as foreign exchange student. I look past sugar the diabetes I have, no dairy too because of intolerant 🙁

    I like Juli she is great with great website… i wish she was friend with me but fine. have a good afternoon.

    PS !! I do not agree with war!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙁

  33. stay safe in the sandbox! my son is there too and got deployed around the same time as you so you are both on the downside now….home in 2013!!!! so…if you run into zach at crossfit leatherneck, tell him is mom said hi!

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