Why a Destination Wedding is THE BEST – Episode 38: PaleOMG Uncensored Podcast

Talking about our experience with getting married in Jamaica and why it was the best decision we could have ever made! Easiest. Wedding. EVER!

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Aaptiv is a fitness app that gives you custom workouts with the voice of an elite trainer and an amazing playlist, walking you through the class or workout or training session! They have unlimited workouts such as race training, ab workouts, spinning, strength training, and even more! I’ve been using it for stretching workouts after my CrossFit or Orange Theory classes! To get motivated or simply just get to stretching this 2017, try Aaptiv out for FREE for 30 days using the promo code PALEOMG. Sign up here and try it out for 30 days now!

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Episode 38 Transcription!

Today’s podcast is brought to you by Aaptiv. Aaptiv is a fitness app that gets you excited about working out. No matter if you’re in your basement, or you’re at the gym, or you’re traveling; they make working out easier than ever. So in the fitness app, when you pick a workout that you want to do. Say you only have time for a 7-minute workout; you click on it, it turns it on. You have the voice of an elite trainer with music tied in walking you through your workout. And, right now, if you actually get the Aaptiv app, you can find my favorite workouts. So they have, at the bottom of the app, they have a curated playlist, and you can pick on PaleOMG. And it has 7 or 9 of my favorite workouts. So I have a body weight burner with Amanda; that one is only 7 minutes. And then there’s a couple of longer ones that’s strength training, and then there’s a treadmill one since I’ve been doing more treadmill work. But there are all kinds of different time ranges. So you can see my favorite ones. And you can just get fit no matter where you are.

So right now, you can actually try Aaptiv out for 30 days for free using the promo code PaleOMG. So all you have to do is go to www.Aaptiv.com, and use the promo code PaleOMG, which I hope you know how to spell this. And then once you log into the app, go to the bottom of the app and go to the curated play list, click on PaleOMG, and my friend Cassy from Fed and Fit, she has her favorites in there, as well. But you can see all my favorites, try them out. And then they have all kinds of other workouts. Because I’m not a huge yoga person, but they have yoga. They have half marathon training, 10K training, stretching. So if you need to actually get your stretch on, be a person who takes care of yourself, there you go. Stair climber, indoor cycling. I mean, they have everything. So go to www.aaptiv.com. Use the promo code PaleOMG. Try it out for 30 days for free, and come let me know what you think of it. And if you go to the blog this week, I have even more special news, because I’ll be hanging out with the people of Aaptiv a little bit more. So stay tuned for that. And go check out their fitness app. www.aaptiv.com; promo code PaleOMG.

This is Juli Bauer from PaleOMG and you are listening to PaleOMG Uncensored.

Juli Bauer: Well hi. Hi there little panda. That’s what I like to call my dog; a little panda. And right now, he’s sitting right between my legs. Because I’m sprawled out on the couch. Today is Saturday, when I normally release my podcast. But we had our house painted; the outside of the house painted for the past three days, and it turns out when you have four guys working at your house blasting music from 7 a.m. to 7 p.m., it’s very difficult to record anything. I’m not really good at blocking out any of the sounds, like my dog snoring, or chewing on a bone, or really anything. And I always get emails from people who are like, “Hey, I’ll make your podcast sound better.” Ok, that sounds judgy, guys. It sounds like you’re judging me. You may be acting like you’re going to do me a favor, but its judgment.

Anyway. So I wasn’t able to record the podcast because I had these dudes at my house playing all sorts of music, and it just was not quite. It wasn’t, ok. They had to come in and out, and so on. But, our old 1950s brick is officially a dark grayish blue with white trim. And I’m super f*cking into it. I love it. It looks so much more modern. Our house pops out. We’re in the middle of our street. It really pops now, because all the other houses are brick. So I’m very pumped about it. We have like seven stages of our house that we want to get to. And we’ve had this house for two years now. Lived in this house for over two years, and we did step one last year of getting a fence and ripping out this terrible, terrible chain link fence there was. And the grossest bushes ever. And by the way, the people who used to live here before us used to walk around their backyard naked, which is so f*cking weird. Especially since they had a chain link fence. What the hell. I’m pumped about it, guys. Because I don’t like leaving my house. I don’t like venturing out into the social area, arena. Whatever the f*ck I’m trying to say. I don’t like being social, and all my friends are very social. So, now I can be like, “oh my god, just come over and hang out in our backyard.” And then I can be in my pajamas while I hang out with my friends on a Friday night. That is why I call perfection.

So we’re getting there. We’re loving it. And this week flew by. I can’t believe it’s already Saturday. And I have to leave out of town next week. I’m going to Aspen, which I never go to Aspen. Because, who the f*ck can afford Aspen, other than Britney Spears, who probably has six houses there. It’s so expensive. But I got invited to an event there, so I’m going to act like I belong. So I’m going to Aspen next week, so I’ve got to get finished up with some work. I’m trying to think of anything else that is happening over here, but nothing’s really happening. Painting your house is a big deal, ok. It just is. Being an adult is the worst, but it’s the best.

So, let’s talk about. Oh, ok, wait. Before I go into this; before we go into Bachelorette talk, because it’s f*cking awesome this season. I’m incredibly surprised. But I want to talk about where the hell I should go for my 30th birthday. I’m a person; I’m not staying in town for my 30th birthday. I’m not just going to dinner. This; turning 30, for some reason; you know, everybody, it’s your dirty 30; uses that stupid whatever wording of it. I’m going to be turning 30 this next year, in 2018. And my best friend turns 30 in December. So we’re going Tulum for her 30th birthday. And I want to plan somewhere different. We’re going to Tulum, and then we have a Cabo trip that my husband planned for New Year’s. So I have Mexico twice in one month, pretty much. So I’m trying to decide where I should go for my 30th, and a couple of places that I want to go. First of all, I want to go to Greece. And I want to go to Hawaii. Those two places. I’m a beach goer.

Please don’t tell me to go to Europe, because I can go there when I’m older, and hopefully have more money and more established, and I can be like those Viking cruises going down the river of London, or some bullsh*t. As I sip tea. I hate tea. But those are things I can do when I’m older. As of right now, I’d like to frolic on the beach sipping a frozen margarita. So, I’m trying to figure out where I want to go. The problem is, I have some friends who are like, “Yeah, I want to go for your 30th.” But a lot of these friends are having kids. And you know friends with kids, they’re always like, “Oh my god, I would totally leave. I can leave the baby.” But then once you have a baby, you’re like “I don’t want to f*cking leave this baby. I want to hang out with this baby all the time. This baby is the greatest thing. Have you seen how smart my baby is?” That’s how people are with their kids.

So I feel like I shouldn’t plan my trip around other people, because; Jackson you left the door open. Because, who knows if they’ll actually come. I think I need to keep my birthday plans to what I want to do. Right? Or is that only child of me? I don’t know. People call me an only child all the f*cking time. And it’s like, oh I just went to the store and grabbed food for myself. Is that an only child because I just decided I wanted to do that? Or is that just normal adult behavior? I get sh*t a lot about being an only child. And I’m like, well isn’t that just being an adult? Someone’s like, “Hey can I eat some your food?” “No, you should have planned your own food. F*cking adult.” Whatever. So, I need to plan where my 30th birthday should be, and get that on the agenda. Get that on the map. My god, Jackson left the door open, and it’s squealing so loud.

By the way, it’s 90 degrees here. It’s so f*cking hot. I don’t like being social, and I don’t like going out, so I don’t know how I’m going to make it to dinner tonight. Anyway, help me figure out where I should go for my birthday. I don’t need a Europe vacation to look at statues. You know? I’ll just do that when I’m older. I want to be active. I want to drink margaritas, and I want to eat really good food. Those are my three things. Oh, beach, for sure. And I don’t want to fly for 14 hours. Ok? Ok. If you could plan my trip, that would be really great. Thanks. You’re the best. Bye. Ok. Anyway. Let me know. Just Instagram me. Just send me a message. What else. E-mail me. Did I say email me? I don’t know. Just come talk to me. Facebook me. Something.

Ok, let’s talk about what’s really great right now. And that is the Bachelorette. How did this season get so good? I was like, OK, Rachel is going to be out of control boring because she is a successful, intelligent woman. Like, she’s going to be so boring. She laughs too much, which I’m so glad she’s a happy person, but you can’t laugh at the stupid jokes that aren’t worth laughing at. So whatever. I was like, these episodes are going to suck. But it’s been really great, because the guys are total sh*t-shows. It’s like, I feel like the Bachelor and Bachelorette franchise started off 40 years, thinking like, “you know what. We want to get really good, intelligent, amazing guys for these females. Or vice versa.” And then, some of those relationships worked. And then of course ratings just went up when they had the sh*t-show drunks, and so then they’re like, “How about we just get a bunch of sh*t-show drunks, and guys don’t really have jobs, and this will be way more fun. Who cares about the person at the end of the road who is supposed to marry one of these jackholes.” {laughs} And that’s how I think it’s changed. So luckily, all these guys are such masses. And if you want to listen to something hilarious. I talked about this on the last podcast. But you need to listen to the Rose Pricks podcast. It’s so f*cking funny. So funny. I just love them. You need to go listen to them, they’re amazing.

Ok. So let’s talk about what happened. I need to take a drink of water, so excuse me, please. Ok. Got to stay hydrated, guys. I’ve talked about that on another podcast. Ok, so the episode starts out with Demario, which. Ok. I talked about this last week, but I need to go back to this. Because multiple people; multiple. Close friends of mine told me that I look like the Lexi chick who was like sleeping with Demario when he went on the show. As I’m listening; and I’m like, what the hell, you guys. This girl had a scrunchie. She was wearing mom jeans. I’m very offended. I don’t understand why people say; “You totally look like her.” When people say that on my Instagram, they’ll be like, “You totally look like this girl.” I’m like, what if this girl comes to my profile and is like, what the f*ck? I don’t want to look like that chick. How offensive is that? Right? It’s kind of like saying, mentioning, “oh, congratulations that you’re pregnant.” And a person is like, “I’m not pregnant.” Which I got that last week. A person said “Congratulations on your baby bump.” There are things that you just don’t say. One; you don’t ask about a person’s pregnancy. You wait until they bring it up. Two; don’t compare someone to another person. Unless you’re like, “Hey, you look like,” I don’t know, who is a really hot person. “Megan Fox. You look like Megan Fox.” I’ll take that, ok? Sure. Sure. I’ll take that. Do not tell me I look like Lexi from the Bachelorette. And the Rose Pricks also on their podcast mentioned that she looks like a crackhead. That she looks like she was on meth. She was a tweaker. People were telling me that I look like a tweaker. Anybody else find that very rude? Anybody? Because I do. I’ve worked very hard to never become a tweaker. So I’d like to not be compared to one. No tweaking has gone. Twerking, sure. Tweaking, no tweaking has gone on in this life. I’m all for playing around with drugs, but not meth.

So anyway. Demario comes back. Because Demario, once he was called out on doing another chick and having her key and whatever. He gets booted. He comes back, because the producers were probably like, “Yeah you should totally go back. You totally could win her back.” And Demario was like, “Yeah, I’m the best. I’m the f*cking best. I like to talk. I like to talk over people and just say yeah, I’m the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.” That’s how Demario talks. Drives me f*cking crazy. So he goes back, and she’s like, “I hate you, you’re a child, go away.” And it was it wonderful. We’re like, “Yeah Rachel. You go girl.” And some guy was like, “You can tell she doesn’t have the wool pulled over her eyes.” He said, “She doesn’t have the wool.” W-O-O-L. That’s a hard word to say. Wool pulled over her eyes. Is that a saying? I don’t think that’s a day. I f*cking, that guy is an idiot. I don’t know. I don’t know. That was; I wrote that one down in my phone. I like to take notes during the episode, and I wrote that one down. Just an odd thing to say, right? Maybe I’m wrong. From where I come from, Colorado, we don’t say wool. We don’t really use wool. Whatever.

Ok. So the cocktail hour starts, and it gets super weird because Blake and Lucas start getting real creeptastic with each other. So here’s the thing. I found out on another podcast that Blake and Luke know each other. And they were on another reality show together. This is what’s crazy about this reality show stuff. Once you’re on one reality show, it opens the door to multiple other reality shows. I was watching the new season of The Next Food Network Star, and there was one guy on there that I’ve seen on, I think another Food Network show; or least I think the cooking channel. And he was on another reality show. So it’s like, once you get your foot in the door, they know what to expect from you, and they’re like, “Yes, you will be good entertainment. We’ll have you on this show.” I’m pretty sure that how it happens. Me knowing nothing about producing, that’s my stance on it.

So Blake and Lucas super weird with each other, and they’re almost like flirting with each other. They have these gay tendencies and lover feelings for each other. That’s what it feels like. And Lucas is talking about how Blake stands at the end of his bed, or sits at the end of the bed, and like peels a banana and licks the banana. It’s really weird. It’s weird if it happened; it’s weird if it happened. {laughs} And it’s weird if it’s repeated. So Rachel talks to Blake. So Blake is the guy who, in his intro video and the form that he fills out, he talks about his penis a lot. He loves talking about his penis. It’s very weird. And how good he is in bed. Like, those people who talk about it a lot, you know are never good. We know nobody has said good things. Maybe someone said it because they felt bad for you, but if you’re repeating it, you suck.

So, anyway, they go back and forth their bullsh*t. Lucas is drunk out of his mind. Like, this guy can’t even keep his eyes open. And it’s so weird, because when he’s not acting like Jim Carrey, he has no personality and all. Like, when he’s not screaming, he’s like so, so boring. It’s very strange. So, yeah. They go back and forth, the banana instant comes up and Rachel goes up to Blake to confront him about the banana incident, to ask him if this is true. And he’s like, “This cannot be true for two reasons. Number one, I’m on a ketogenic diet, and I do not eat carbs.” {laughs} There is your first sign that you do not want to date this person. A person says they don’t eat carbs is a gross person. That’s a grumpy ass person. If you don’t eat carbs, you are a bore. And I know ketogenic is all the rage right now. But if you’re like, hey, you expect me to date you and you don’t eat carbs, what the f*ck are we going to do when it’s time for ice cream? Hmm? Because that’s what dating is all about. It’s about food and dessert, honestly. So if you’re on a ketogenic diet, this sh*t ain’t working. I don’t know what his number two reason was, but that was his number one. He doesn’t eat carbs. I was like, Blake, I hate you so much. I hate your gelled bangs.

So. They finally get the boot, and they yell at each other, and it’s like the most staged fight, and it’s really weird, and I was super bored. I kind of fast-forwarded through most of it. I was like, f*ck. I’ve got to; ugh, I’m yawning. I had to go do a photo shoot, and I’m like, what am I wasting my time. I should be putting on f*cking makeup. Photo shoot sounds professional; I was going to take photos with my photographer. And I had to put on makeup, and I’m wasting my time just listening to Blake and Lucas just b*tch at each other. I think their whole goal was to get on, whatever it’s called, Bachelor in Paradise.

Ok. So, the next let’s see what happens next. Ok, ok, ok. So they have a group date, and they go on the Ellen show. So here’s my theory. I have not looked at who won. I don’t read Reality Steve’s website. I only listen to his podcast, and he doesn’t really talk much on the podcast about what’s happening in that season. He mostly just interviews guests, so he doesn’t bring it up. So I don’t know who wins. But I really do think it’s Peter, because they don’t give Peter much time. Like visible time, and that’s how I feel like it always ends up. They try to sway you in a different way, and then it’s like kind of the underdog. I don’t know. That’s my viewpoint on its. And Peter is not getting much time. So he was on this date, and I think he wins the whole thing. He’s the one with the split between his teeth; space between his teeth, like twinning with Rachel.

Ok. So, they go on the Ellen show. And it’s awesome, be Ellen is the best. Which, on a podcast, I heard that she’s not very nice in real life. Can that be true? Ellen’s like everybody’s favorite ever. I wonder. Anyway. So they have to do first of all this like Channing Tatum, whatever movie he’s in where he’s a stripper. They have to pretty much do that with the audience to get dollar bills. And there is a reason that there aren’t many strip clubs for men. Other than like, whatever, they have Thunder Down Under in Vegas. Watching men; I don’t get why women go all crazy for it. But watching men like move their hips and hump the floor, and twist around a pole is not sexy. That is not hot. A dude standing around, like throwing a Frisbee, like doing sports; sports. #sports. Is much more attractive than a guy humping. Twerking. And Alex, which is some Russian guy who has really weird hair, and was wearing pretty much 70s bellbottoms. I don’t understand the print that he chose. He was literally twerking. Like twerking! Imagine Miley Cyrus on stage with whatever his face is who just got a divorce, because of Miley Cyrus, I’m pretty sure. I know everything about everyone. That kind of twerking. He was doing that to like a grandma. And I don’t want to see a grown man twerk. I don’t care how nice your body is, and how jacked you are. As soon as you start to twerk, everybody feels weird. That’s just how it is.

So anyway. They have to strip, and then they have to play never have I ever. And Ellen asked the question, never have I ever thought about having sex with Rachel. And Peter and Alex; Peter who I think wins, and Alex the Russian guy, both say they’ve never thought about it. And that is the biggest crock of bullsh*t I’ve ever heard. You haven’t thought about it? You are a liar. You’re a liar. So even though Peter is my favorite, I’m not a fan of him lying. I fully think they’ve thought about it 200 times, and they’ve even thought about doing it with Ellen. Who is not exactly into men. That’s just my viewpoint. So then she has cocktail hour on this group date, and she goes and talks. She’s lying on top of Peter. They’re totes in love. Oh sh*t. I almost dropped that.

Then she talks to Fred; who she was Fred’s camp counselor when he was like in third grade and she was in eighth grade, and she can’t stop talking about how bad he was. I’m like, what does someone have to do that, they’re like, “You were so bad in third grade.” What do you think he was doing that was so bad? Because everybody is kind of bad at that age. You just do dump sh*t. You’re mean to people. You, I don’t know. Sneak off, do dumb stuff. I don’t know. You’re f*cking, whatever age you’re at. So she just can’t get over it, and she just keeps seeing him as a little boy. And then Fred is thinking about how he needs to kiss her. And he gets all weird about it. And he’s like, “I want to kiss you.” And she’s like, “Are you asking me to kiss me?” And it’s all awkward, for sure. And then they kiss, and she just doesn’t want it. She’s like pulling away the whole time. It’s just so awkward. And Fred is like screaming afterwards, he’s so excited. It’s all quite uncomfortable.

But the worst part of it all is she has to give out the rose for the date, and she picks it up, and then she takes it over to Fred. And she’s like, can I talk to you for a second? And he’s like, “I’m getting the rose, b*tches!” And then she’s like, “I need you to leave.” {laughs} and then they have to go down an elevator together with her holding the rose. How set up by producers was that? That was so f*cked up. And then he gets the boot. He has to go home.

Then, next. Oh my god, I can’t believe it’s been like 30 minutes. How much bullsh*t can I talk about. I just f*cking love the Bachelor. Ok, then she has a one on one date with Anthony who looks like the black Mr. Clean. Like, go do a side by side. They look identical. They ride horses through Beverly Hills. It’s so f*cking awkward. They go into stores on horses. They get their boots fitted into them. And then, what else do they do. The horse takes a dump in a store. Which, like, ok. If you ever see those horses that are taking a carriage with them. They have those little things that tie onto their, what’s it called. I don’t know. They have these little things that tie pretty much onto their butt. So they poop into a bag. Why wouldn’t they do that? Horses poop all the time. So why not put a little baggie, so you’re like, “Hey, let’s not take a dump in someone’s store.” Like, somebody had to clean that up. It sure as f*ck wasn’t them. Anyways, I don’t care. They went on a stupid date, and it was boring, and he looks like Mr. Clean.

Then, last group date is a super sketch-ass bar, and it has like this woman. OK, so imagine just a dump hole of a bar. Like, country western bar, and it has a mud pit that looks like dog food. This huge ass mud pit. So the guys, of course, have to mud wrestle each other. So gross. And, they ok. I’m trying to think of what happened. There were all these people in the audience, and this girl was like, “Show me your junk!” what do you mean, show me your junk? Do you want me to whip out my wiener and my balls? Because no girl is like, hey, show me your junk. No. The male anatomy is not sexy. It’s not something you’re like, “Oh, I cannot wait to see this junk wailing about in a mud pit.” If that’s your thing, that’s some therapy time, for sure. For sure. So they wrestle each other. Kenny, who has like a 10-year-old daughter, and is a wrestler. He always likes to say professional wrestler. I’m like, ok. Are you on WWE? Are you on Monday night Raw? Because I watched that the other day because I like Total Divas, and it came on after Modern Family, and it was like a huge girl fight. And I’m like, I’m kind of into this and I hate myself for it. But if you’re not on WWE, on Monday night Raw, stop calling yourself a professional. Especially because his name is Pretty Boy Pitbull. {laughs} What. What are you doing Kenny? You’re 40 years old. Stop it.

So he’s like, “oh, I’ve got this in the bag.” And he’s like huffing and puffing and he’s like screaming and saying how he’s Pretty Boy Pitbull pandy poota panda bear. Just screaming that. Then he gets his butt kicked by a guy whose jaw could literally cut glass. I don’t know what his name is. I don’t care. And he’s a firefighter. But literally, his chin could slit your throat. He could cut you. Having sex with him would be very frightening. So whatever that guy wins, and then there’s this other guy Brady that I talked about before. He looks like, on the show Botched, the Ken doll on Botched, he looks like the Ken doll. And I guess he’s like a male model, this Brady guy. But Brady’s hair is so boy-band status, and it’s so tall. So it’s likely he combed all of his hair straight up, because he was like, all these guys have pompadours, I’ve got to do something different. I’m going to comb it straight up. And that’s literally what he did. Combed it straight up. And his hair didn’t get messed up at all in mud wrestling. And the other guys eyes can’t even open, because they’re so caked with mud. You know how they got to clean off? They gave them a hose. “Here you go, guys. Here’s a hose. I hope you feel like sh*t now, because that’s what we’re out to do as producers”.

And then, I don’t know. I don’t know what even happened at the end. It was another “to be continued”, so nothing happened. 2 hours. This is why I have to watch it like three days later, when I can fast forward through everything after I’ve recorded it, because who has 2 hours on a Monday night to sit through 60,000 commercials. If you could do me a favor and count how many commercials go on for the 2-hour period for the Bachelor, I would love to know those details. I’d love to know the deets. I don’t want to find it out myself, but I’d love for you to tell me. And also tell me where to go for my 30th birthday.

Yeah. This show is wonderful, because all these guys are such hot messes. It’s like the dating; I went to brunch with my girlfriend today, who is single. And she’s the most level-headed, beautiful, cool-ass chick. And she doesn’t really date anybody because everybody sucks. And she’s not like, “I’m going to get on a dating website and test this out with douchebags.” She’s like, no. If someone cool comes around, cool. If not, I’m totally cool. And I just love her so much. Dating would be the worst, and I wish, when I was dating, that I had as level of a head as she does. She’s so badass. I literally just got back from brunch with her, and that’s why I’m going on about it. So if you know any cool dudes, or if you’re a cool dude. Which, if you’re a cool dude, I’m guessing you don’t listen to this podcast. If you do, it’s because your wife forced you to, so you’re not on the single side. You’ve got to be normal. You have to be cool. You know what I’m saying? She’s really, really pretty. Selling my friend here.

Anyways. Ok. So today’s podcast, I wanted to talk about something I’ve had a couple of questions on. And it’s just a fun thing to talk about because, I loved it. Which is destination wedding. So, we got married a year ago, and we did a destination wedding. So I’m going to kind of go back to the beginning of how we even picked a destination wedding. How we picked that spot, and what it was like to even do it.

So probably a year, year and a half before my husband and I got engaged, one of his best friends got married, and I got to tag along on their destination wedding in Mexico in the Riviera Maya. That was my first destination wedding, but he had probably been to two before that one in Mexico. So he’d been to three destination weddings at that point, and in all three weddings. And when we were at that destination wedding, we weren’t really talking about marriage, but we were like; I mean if I ever got married, and he said the same thing, it would be destination wedding. It’s like, you get to go hang out with all of your best friends on a vacation, and it’s so laid back. You just get married. And you have, instead of one full night with everybody, you get a full week with everybody. It’s so f*cking awesome. And I never pictured my wedding. I wasn’t a person that really even saw myself getting married, at first. And I never pictured a wedding, as I came into adulthood. I just didn’t really think about it. So when we did get engaged, literally that night we were like, “We’re doing a destination wedding, right?” Like, it was no question. We both knew we wanted to do destination wedding. And since we had just gone to Mexico, we didn’t want to do Mexico, because everybody had just gone there. So we reached out to our friends; oh my god, that actually was like his fourth destination wedding, maybe.

Anyway. We reached out to one of our friends who had a destination wedding, and she had gone through this company called Beach Bum Vacations, and they help you kind set up the full thing. So they’re your travel agent, and they pretty much do everything. Which is f*cking awesome. So we told her we wanted to do something not too far away, we want an all-inclusive resort. I don’t think we had a ton of prerequisite stuff. We were just like, we just want a beach. We don’t really want Mexico, but we’ll look at it. And then she sent us back with a bunch of different places, like within that week. So she’s like; ok, here are places that are helpful with weddings; that do weddings, and here’s what their plans look like payment-wise. Here’s the resort. So we looked at all these different places. We talked about Costa Rica, we talked about the Bahamas. We talked about all different kinds of places. And Brian, my husband, he had been to a wedding in Negril in Jamaica, so we were like, maybe we shouldn’t do Jamaica, because he’d already done that. And his friends had already done that. But she showed us this hotel, it was the Secrets Resorts in Jamaica, and it had wedding pictures online that I saw. And then when they had the breakdown of what their wedding services looked like, it was the most well thought wedding program. So I felt comfortable booking with them. Because not only were the rooms beautiful, and they had a ton of different restaurants, and they were on the beach. But the wedding program looked like everything was back and white; it was as simple as that.

So, we ended up picking that resort. Secrets Resort in Montego Bay, in Jamaica. We’re like; ok. So you have to start making a list. I think it’s a little bit easier with destination weddings, because it weeds out a sh*t-ton of people. We had a list of probably 80-100 people, and we had 29 people come. So, dammit yawns. So not only does that cut down the cost of your wedding, but it makes it really f*cking simple. So we didn’t invite a ton of family. We invited our parents, and that was about it. So I know a lot of people are like, well I always say destination is the way to go because it’s so cheap. And they’re like, yeah, its cheap because all these people can’t come, so then none of your important people are there in your life. And for me, my closest friends are my family. And I had all my family I needed there. That was what was important to me.

So we invited 80-100 people. We got 29 total. And our travel agent dealt with all of them, of getting their itinerary set up. So then she would make sure they had a shuttle, and their times were arranged with the hotel. She did all of it, which was amazing. We didn’t have to do anything, other than just book our trip and get our outfits, get my wedding dress, get Brian’s suite. So easy. The most stressful part of this entire wedding, as I get more into it, is we almost missed our flight to Jamaica. We were there 3 hours early, I forget what airline it was. But we were there 3 hours early, and the guy couldn’t print something. You know, you have to show your passport. It was just the worst. And this was before Brian had TSA precheck. If you don’t have TSA precheck, stop what you’re doing right now and go apply. Get TSA precheck. It is the best lifechanging thing ever. Love it. So he didn’t have it, so I didn’t go through TSA precheck. And then we got stuck in this long-ass security line. Because it was super early in the morning. It was awful. We almost missed our flight. Our flight was waiting for us. I’m running in a dress, and cute wedges because I wanted to be cute as I’m traveling to Jamaica. Carrying my wedding dress, and we almost missed our flight. It was so awful. It was so awful. I wanted to punch this guy in the face. But that was the most stressful part. Everything else was easy peasy.

So, once we get our destination chosen, I really recommend getting a travel agent helping you with this, because she makes it so much easier. So, picked that. Picked our wedding. We did this all-inclusive resort. And we picked the nicer end so we could have like a butler, and they’ll take you places, and grab you anything. And he would steam my clothes. Like steam my wedding dress. And they do everything. So you’re in contact with them like six months prior. You have to send over your birth certificate, super sketchy. {laughs} And then any divorce documents if you’ve been divorced, or whatever. They take your wedding dress and they steam it for you. You pick your flowers. I sent them a bouquet that I found on Pinterest that I thought was pretty. And they did almost identical. And then it’s just so easy. Like literally we showed up. We drink on the beach. We were there for three days before. I think we had a rule; you had to be there two or three days before your actual wedding. So we were there a day almost earlier than everybody. Just two of our friends were there, so that was nice, just hanging out with them. And just hanging out on the beach most days. It was so f*cking cool. You’re with all your best friends. All we did was drink on the beach every day, go to the pool. Go out to dinners. It was the best.

And then our wedding day, we had to meet with the wedding people the day before, and this was all the drama that I had. When I hear about these women and men getting married in Colorado and it costing $50,000 for a super small wedding, and still being able to feed everybody and have a place to sit. Our only stress was we met with them the day before our wedding, they’re like, “Hey, you’re going to get married here.” And they showed this little place. And I was like, “No, I want to get married here.” It was like, 20 feet over in the sand. I’m like, I want to get married right here in the sand. I didn’t picture getting married in this like; it was like a gazebo. I’m like, I don’t want to get married in a gazebo. I want to get married on the beach in the sand. That’s what I pictured. And they’re like, ok. Let’s make sure we can. And I was like, f*ck. I don’t want to get married in a gazebo. And they were like, ok, we can get married there. That was literally my only stress. Only thing I stressed about. It was f*cking awesome.

So, we met with them the day before. They talked about what would happened, like the process of it. And they gave Brian a separate room to get ready in. I had our room. They brought us snacks and champagne. What else? I don’t remember what else. So then they set up the whole wedding. They pull the guys out, they pull the girls out. I didn’t even tell my girls; and I had a guy in my wedding, which like organization way to walk. I was just like, I don’t care. I didn’t pick their dresses. I gave them a color range to choose from and they could pick their own dresses. I just didn’t give a sh*t about any of that stuff. I just wanted to get married and have a good time on the beach.

So they took me in a golf cart and drove me over. And it’s so funny because the spot we were at is right in front of the snack bar {laughs} at this place, so in many of our wedding photos, there’s this guy with a huge gut, like in these tiny shorts, like eating an ice cream cone and nachos. {laughs} So we pull up. I walked down the aisle. Our best friend; or one of Brian’s best friends, who thinks he is the sole reason that we are even getting married. He married us. Ad then it was like so weird. In the middle of the process; this is so strange, we didn’t really understand this part. But they like took us halfway through the process, and they were like, you have sign documents. And then we had to have witnesses sign. So we sign, and then they rolled this paper up with our signatures on, and made Brian hold it, and then me hold it on the other end. So like if you’re holding a roll of paper, he holds the bottom end and I hold the top end. We were repeating words after him. And he was like, “I want you guys to touch your lips together, but not kiss.” And this was before he’s ever been like you, you’re now man and wife, you can kiss the bride, whatever. So we just have our lips on each other. And everybody is boiling hot in the sand. No shade. So f*cking hot. And we’re just sitting there, kissing but not kissing. That was f*cking weird. The we got back, get married, donzo. Then we go take pictures. Our friends get to go have appetizers, and we go have pictures on the beach. And at this point, I’m drinking champagne, because I’m like, it’s our f*cking wedding day! This is so f*cking awesome! And I’m getting wasted. At this point, I’m probably wasted. Because we took pictures probably for an hour, not even that long. I don’t know. And I’m just drinking champagne as everybody is loading up on appetizers and keeping their sh*t together. So then as we take pictures, they set up the area that we got married in. They set it up for food and drinks, and serve food and drinks for everybody. And they had a huge buffet. All the food was amazing.

So we come back, and they make us cut the cake, because they’re like, your photographer is almost done. Because I asked for the cheapest package of photography. I’m like, I just don’t give a sh*t. People will take plenty of pictures, and I’ll probably like those better than the photography. I saw my friend’s photography, who actually got married there, and it was terrible. I was like, I know this photography is going to be sh*tty. So, got the cheapest plan. And they’re like, you have to cut the cake. So I got to order gluten free cake there, by the way. That was awesome. I was like, can you do gluten free cake, and they’re like, absolutely! So they made me gluten free cupcakes, and like a little cake. So we had to cut the cake, and feed it to each other. The guy made us do that bullsh*t. And then we had speeches. There was so much food, and so much cake, and all I wanted to do was take shots with everybody and celebrate. And as you know on this podcast, I’m not very good at drinking. I’m not a huge drinker anyway. So, I got f*cking wasted. And then was put to bed at 9:30 naked.

So, ok. Rewind. We’re dancing hard. The, whatever thing that ties your dress up; I’m forgetting what it’s called right now. But the clasp that ties your dress up to keep it from dragging on the ground if you have a train, it broke during all my dancing fun. So it was dragging everywhere, so my friend who married us, he took a ribbon off of one of the chairs, and he tied it my dress to hold my dress up. So at the end of the night, I am like, I can’t get my dress off. And my husband’s trying to get it, and I’m like, “You can’t do it. Ugh. Get Laura.” My maid of honor. And Laura comes in and she’s like, I can’t do it either. Brian’s like, weird. Weird. So they have to cut this ribbon off and get me out of my dress. And I’m lying naked on the bathroom floor, thinking I’m going to puke. That was the end of my wedding. So it was a total f*cking mess.

But what really bummed me out. This was the only they could have done better. They could have been like, “This b*tch didn’t eat many of her cupcakes. I bet she wants some in her room.” And then they could have put them in my room. They put rose petals and drew a bath. I was going to; there were rose petals all over our bed. I woke up with them plastered to my face with the worst hangover I’ve ever had in my life. So, there was literally the best night, other than me getting wasted and missing half of my wedding. Because everybody else went out to the club that was on this resort that nobody went to, and danced in the club to fun musical night all night. My mother-in-law was dancing on the bar. As I’m passed out sleeping. This is why I can’t drink. I just can’t hang. I’m not cool.

But the destination wedding; so we paid for a wedding for ourselves. I just don’t understand; if people are paying for a wedding for themselves, like where are they finding all this money to get these crazy lavish; I mean, other than if they’re crazy rich; but lavish weddings of like 50 and up. Like, my close friends who’ve had just like normal, nice weddings; nothing crazy lavish, have been like $50-75,000. And those are just because they have to feed people. They have to do dessert. They have to do the location. They have to do shuttle transfer. $50-75,000. And I guess most parents help with stuff. We paid for our destination wedding on our own, and for getting a week vacation in Jamaica with our flights, with our outfits, with our food, everything covered, plus our wedding, it was $12-15,000 at the end of the day. That is just so cool to get a vacation out of it. All these amazing memories that are added up over time. It’s not just that one night that you get f*cking blasted, and then don’t remember any of your wedding, which tends to happen to women because they’re so excited or they don’t eat or whatever. And then you miss out on all these other memories. And I mean, that was totally own honeymoon, as well, like tied into that. Even though we didn’t even eat one meal; not even breakfast, just the two of us, so it was nice when we went to Costa Rica, because that was kind of our honeymoon of just being together. But getting this whole week-long trip with all your best friend is awesome. And I understand a lot of times they’re like; “I don’t want to go because my grandparents can travel that far.” And I totally get that. But it was like the best decision we could have ever made, and I wouldn’t have changed one thing about it other than getting wasted. I would have f*cking eaten more. My f*cking bartender was giving me shots the size of what you’d; and like four shots in one. And me just being stupid; I was like, “Yeah! I can totally hang.”

So that’s the only thing I would have changed. There’s nothing else. Like, it was the best time ever and we got to be in Jamaica with of all our best friends who normally wouldn’t go on a trip like that, but since it’s their friends getting married, they all made it happen. All the people who really wanted to be there were there, and I wouldn’t change anything. It was so f*cking awesome. And there was no stress involved. And I think that’s maybe because I didn’t have a certain version. I didn’t picture our wedding a certain way with a certain color scheme or certain table arrangements. I didn’t give a f*ck if there was anything on the table. If these people were getting fed, and they were getting alcohol, then that’s all that mattered. That was going to happen, especially in an all-inclusive resort. So there was really, for me, nothing to worry about. The only thing I had to worry about was doing my own hair and makeup. And that’s something with destination weddings; they have someone who does that. And I think my mom and my mother-in-law both got their hair done and maybe even their makeup done, and looked awesome. And they have a person who does that. I just don’t trust anyone, so I was like, if I f*ck up my own makeup, it’s my own fault. But at least I’ll look like myself and recognize myself, because I’ve done my makeup for how many years. And I also did the makeup for a couple of the girls while we’re getting ready and put their fake eyelashes on, and did their eye shadow. So it was just so chill. There are no worries. You are in Jamaica. You have a longer rest of your trip. It’s just so fun.

I tell everyone who is thinking about getting married, or thinking about their wedding, to do a destination wedding. It was the best. And for them, at our hotel, for the wedding plans, they have plan A, plan B, plan C. And it gets more expensive with each one. And the first one is kind of like, if it’s just the two of you, and you’re just doing a renewal, and you have a little cake to slice, and its super cheap. And then it gets more expensive. And we just did the more expensive one that has more options. It comes with like a certain amount of photos, and it comes with a DVD, which we haven’t event watched the DVD of our wedding day because we don’t have a DVD player. And my computer doesn’t have a CD player. So there’s really no way to watch it. So we haven’t watched it yet. So we totally need to do that, because the day goes by so fast.

But if anybody is trying to do a destination wedding or even thinking about, do it. If you want to have no stress. If you want to be the happiest person on your wedding day with not a care in the world, do destination wedding. Be f*cking selfish. Because at the end of the day, I see all these people, and the weddings become about other people. It all becomes about the moms who start to freak the f*ck out. Or becomes about the parents wanting to bring their friends that they had over the years. I’m like; my mom did that once. She asked me to invite this one person. I was like, why the f*ck would I invite that person? I knew her because she was your friend growing up, that doesn’t mean I know her now as a 30-year-old. No. I’m not inviting any of those people. And I think that your wedding is your time. When you’re paying for it. I get when you’re not paying for it how you don’t get to make all the choices, but since we were paying for it, I get to make the decisions of being selfish as f*ck. And sure, that can all go back to me being an only child, blah, blah, blah. But it’s just being an adult. And getting to make your own decisions. And our decisions were the best. So f*cking fun. So I highly recommend that.

If you’re ever thinking about a destination wedding, know that it is the easiest process of all time. That’s that. That is that, guys. It was so fun. I want to go get married again. I literally want to do a renewal ceremony every year just to get to party with everybody. So I guess that’s why I’m trying to plan my 30th, because my 30th birthday is close to our wedding. We were almost still in Jamaica when my birthday hit. So that’s why I think I want to do such a fun trip. Because then it gives an excuse for people to go. But everybody is having babies now, so it’s much more challenging. I need to get younger friends or something. Or friend who just don’t like kids, like me.

So help me out. If you want to Instagram me. If you want to Facebook; don’t Facebook me. I f*cking hate Facebook. If you want to message me, write me an e-mail; whatever. I would love to hear your feedback on places to go that aren’t like Thailand. Thailand is definitely on my list, but not to ask everybody to buy a flight to Thailand and travel 14 hours to celebrate the day I came out of my mother’s vagina. That’s a lie. I came out of her belly. They had to C-section, me, ok. I was a huge ass baby. I was pretty much 10 pounds. 10 pounds ain’t coming out of a ‘gina. So let me know where you think is an easy destination. My friend told me Barbados was a really awesome place to go. Kind of looking into that. I’ve just been to Mexico a couple of times, I’ve been to Mexico probably six times. I mention on my blog last week how we were thinking about not going to Cabo because there were kidnappings going on, and this woman said I was stereotyping Mexico. I was like, b*tch, no, there are kidnappings going on. And there are kidnappings going on everywhere, but there is a U.S. travel advisory going on in Mexico. It doesn’t mean I’m not going. But this woman was saying I was stereotyping, and that was so not true, b*tch. B*tch please.

But yeah, let me know where you think I should go. Help me out here. I, in the meantime, it is 95 degrees out, so I’m going to stay indoors. Take a shower since I haven’t washed my hair in five days and it’s crunchy as f*ck from all the sweat. And then I’m going to go out to a nice dinner with the hubs. And we’re going to celebrate our new home. Because it looks like we bought a new house, and it’s quite exciting.

I hope you guys enjoyed today’s podcast. Next week I actually have a guest coming on. I’m very excited about her, cause she’s cool as f*ck. I love talking to her. She’s really funny. She’s not a bore. There are a lot of boring people out there in this world. She is not it. So I can’t wait to have her on. Because she’s a person I actually enjoy talking to, and I hope you do too. So I’m out of here, guys. Don’t forget to rate, review, subscribe to this podcast. Only leave nice reviews; if you leave a mean review, it means you’re a mean person. Sorry. That was really bitchy.

Don’t forget to head to the blog. This week, I shared; what did I share. I shared honey mustard grilled chicken skewers, which you totally should make. I made a chocolate chip raspberry shortbread cookie bar. I did a full post about all the different workouts that I’ve tried and the pros and cons to them to hopefully help you find a workout that works for you. And then I did a post about really fun, fancier dresses for like fancy date nights or if you have an event coming up. And I shared this really beautiful dress that I’m kind of obsessed with, and heels that are on sale, which is always the best. So head to the blog for all these deets. I’m going to go kiss my dog’s face, who is staring at me right now. I wish you guys could see it. I left the door open, so sorry if you hear the wind chimes in the back. And I hope you have a great weekend. Go be awesome. I’ll see you soon. Talk to you next week with a special guest. I love you so much. I’ll see you later. Bye-bye!