Let me first preface this recipe by telling you something really important here: I LOVE THIS FREAKING RECIPE!! No, I effing love it. It may be one of my favorite dessert recipes of all time. And I tested it out on 5 different people, most of them non-paleo people, and they all loved it. So just make this. Stop questioning it, just do it. After you read my Bachelorette recap duuuuuuuh.
First of all, why the fudge is the Bachelorette not on next week? You mean I have to wait 2 more weeks to see JoJo cry her eyes out for a reason that is completely unapparent to me?? I hate you ABC, I hate you. If I come to find out that some presidential election bullsh*t is on instead of the Bachelorette…oh, you’ll hear about it. Except the election is very similar to the mansion’s dramatic incidents, so I guess it will do.
Anywho, where the hell to start? Last night was one hell of a mess. Chad style. But we will get to that a bit later. Let’s first talk about the super awkward dates.
- Date #1: The sex yoga studio. She told them to have an angergasm. Is that a real thing outside of sex yoga? Think about that for a second. Then the camera zoomed in on the instructors crotch while she hip thrusted and yelled. Is this real life? Then they straddled each other sitting next to the straddling instructors. It was just so f*cking weird. Except I’ve taken a liking to this Chase fella.
- Date #2: Sex improv. All the men had to go on stage and tell their most awkward sex story. Which, obviously, we heard nothing on our end. Don’t take the guys on a date that you aren’t going to share the details from, ABC, ya d*ck!!! And really, who wants to hear about their new lover’s sex life? Answer: only weirdos. Chad may be weird AF, but he was right about not wanting to share his own personal stories. He may have been right about the that, but he was definitely in the wrong when it came to not shooting steroids in his legs. Did you see those little things?! Ah, I’m scared he’s gonna come hunt me down now. No, but seriously.
- Date #3: Farmer Joe guy date. I forget what his name is but I’m a bit of obsessed with his mysterious ways. And his nice figure. I like that he doesn’t smile much, but when he does he’s all adorbs. I don’t know or care what they did on their date, I just remember his cute lil’ bum bum and rugged face. I hope she keeps his cuteness around for a while.
- Date #4: Again, what is with having tasks that one person is a pro at. The firefighter challenge with the firefighter, now the football challenge with the pro football player. How is that fair? I’m surprised Wells and Evan didn’t end up breaking bones. Proud of those lil’ guys!
- Date #5: The epic 2-on-1 date. Battle royale. Whatever the hell that means. Didn’t you just want to punch Chad the entire time but then feel bad about it because you’re mad at him for wanting to resort to violence? That guy has major roid rage. I’ve worked in gyms since I was in college, I know what it looks like. And when Chris Harrison asked him about his steroid use, he said, “It’s not like I could bring them with me here anyways.” His answers are always so solid. So manipulative. He’s a real stand up act.
So obviously Chad took center stage these past two episodes. But he was a bit of a disappointment. He was so so boring, but then he would have these waves of massive anger, but still be boring when he was threatening people. Honestly, he looked like me 2 weeks ago when my birth control sent me into an angry b*tch spiral. Maybe he’s just on birth control. Either way, I’m glad he got the boot. He reminds me of the dude Charlotte from Sex and the City dated for a little bit but then he ended up fighting everyone no matter what the incident. Chad is that guy. He would fight someone at a restaurant for spilling JoJo’s drink. Fo. Sho.
Other things that caught my attention this week: their sweet microphone puka shell necklaces. The creators of that incredibly beautiful jewelry should win an award for outstanding attention to detail. They were magnificent. And what’s up with JoJo bringing up Ben again? He must be watching this and loving the fact that she keeps bringing him up. So awkward. Did you see Chad eat a full baked sweet potato? What an odd thing to eat with your hands. Not saying I haven’t done that at a competition when I forgot utensils, but biting through the skin when you have a knife and fork readily available in a giant mansion, come on bruh. Just odd. Sh*t, I bruh’d him, he’s definitely going to come find me. I wish I could act like I was joking, but a small part of me is definitely scared of the Chad. I would beat him in thigh size, but he would beat me with…anything around him. Ahhhhh.
Now seriously, what’s JoJo crying about in the next coming episode? And WTF am I going to talk about next Wednesday?! Balls.
- 1½ cup almond flour
- ¼ cup + 1 tablespoon coconut flour
- ¼ cup + 1 tablespoon tapioca flour
- ½ teaspoon baking soda
- 4 tablespoons ghee
- 4 tablespoons maple syrup
- 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 1½ cup cashew butter (or any nut butter you prefer)
- ¾ cup maple sugar (or coconut sugar, i just prefer the taste of maple sugar)
- 2 tablespoons ghee
- 2 teaspoon vanilla extract
- pinch of salt
- 1 cup chocolate chips, melted
- couple pinches of flaked salt
- Preheat oven to 325 degrees F. Grease a rectangle quiche pan (13-3/4" x 4-1/4")*. Add all ingredients for the crust into a food processor and pulse until completely combine. The dough should combine into a slight ball once combine. Put dough in a pan and use your fingers to press dough around evenly throughout the pan, pressing the dough higher on the sides. Use a fork to poke about 10-12 holes in to keep the crusting from rising as it bake. Bake crust for 15-18 minutes, until golden brown. Remove then let crust cool for about 30 minutes.
- Once crust has cooled, wipe out the inside of the food processor and then place cashew butter, maple sugar, ghee, vanilla extra and salt in the food processor and pulse until completely combine. Use a spatula to remove all the mixture and place in the crust and smooth out. Place in the freezer to harden for 30 minutes.
- Lastly, melt chocolate. Pour chocolate on top of slightly hardened "peanut butter" mixture, smooth out then sprinkle with salt on top. Place in fridge for 10 minutes to harden chocolate before slicing into bar or triangles or whatever shape you prefer!
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