I was in legit b*tch mode last week. I don’t know what the sh*t my problem was (no, it wasn’t that time of the month asshole) but I was not fun to be around. Ask Jake or Jason. Every day I would walk into the gym, I would right away be a burden to these guys. Especially since I cried through 2 of my workouts last week. Two. No, not like cried a little then sucked it up and went on with it, I cried throughout the ENTIRE workout. Crying while running blows monkey balls. It’s kind of hard to breath in Colorado already, so add crying to the equation, and sh*t gets real. The workouts weren’t even crazy hard. I was just sad and mad and upset and pissed…all at the same time. I get sad that my spandex shorts don’t fit like they used to, then I get mad that I didn’t PR on my lift, then I get upset that my waist doesn’t look smaller in my shadow while I’m running outside, then I get pissed that I just fell over while doing a pistol. Yes, that all happened during ONE workout. Yes, I’m dramatic. And yes, I felt like an idiot.

But I’m better this week. I’m ready to take on the world…whatever the hell that means. I drank a protein shake with coconut water the other day and officially felt 100% better about everything in life. Have you tried that? Do it. Do it now. Then comment on this post about how I’m seriously a genius and should be given free coconut water everyday by some company. Any kind will do. Other than the kind that’s mango…or pomegranate….or peach. All those taste like ass.  And have weird added sugar to them. But coconut has become my go-to when I need something other than water. Kinda like when I used to drink energy drinks in college. I can’t believe I used to consume that straight up poison. I blame accounting class.

Oh I almost forgot to tell you, my face is pretty much done peeling. I guess I shed enough skin. Kinda like a snake. That’s effing gross dude. I guess it helped out my face a bit. It was mostly to get rid of scars and bring new light to new skin, but in the back of my mind I was definitely hoping my acne would suddenly clear up. I know, unrealistic expectations, but let me have them. They keep me positive. Like thinking eating mass quantities of chocolate covered walnuts won’t hurt my stomach. Am I high? Maybe.

So this recipe kinda made me think of pork, rice, and beans. I’ve told you about the restaurant D’Corazon in Downtown Denver before, and how their carnitas are to.die.for. And whenever I go there, I always end up eating the refried beans. I don’t really care about the rice, but the refried beans call my name. Beans + lard = F*ck yeah. Well, there isn’t really a paleo substitute for refried beans is there? So I made a carnitas-like dish with rice as the side. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. All you care about is if it tastes good. Well, it does. Like REAL good.

I just sneezed 6 times. Yes, six. F*ckin’ allergies.

5.0 from 5 reviews

Garlic Pork and Rice
Prep time

Cook time

Total time


Serves: 6-8

  • 2lb pork rump roast, excess fat removed
  • 6 garlic cloves, peeled
  • 2 head of cauliflower, stem and leaves removed, roughly chopped
  • 1 cup chicken broth
  • 1 teaspoon ground cumin
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • ½ teaspoon pepper

  1. Pull out your handy dandy crockpot AND food processor. If you still don’t have these items, rethink your life. Invest. Period.
  2. Use the shredding attachment on your food processor and run both heads of cauliflower through the food processor to rice it.
  3. Throw all your riced cauliflower in the crockpot along with your chicken broth.
  4. Add cumin and salt and pepper to your rice along with 3 garlic cloves.
  5. Now use a sharp knife to make 3 one inch cuts in the pork roast and push each clove into the roast cuts.
  6. Place roast on top of the cauliflower.
  7. Cover and cook on low for 8-10 hours.
  8. Shred pork and mix with cauliflower rice! BOOM.

pork be crockin

like my new carpet?