I’m finally home. I really wasn’t gone for that long in California, but it was long enough for me. I don’t really like being away from my day-to-day schedule. I like eating my own food, I like sleeping in my own bed, I like working out when I want to, but when you’re traveling for work and visiting friends, it makes it much tougher.
If you hadn’t heard, I’m working on a project out in California at the moment, so I’ll be traveling there for a few months. It was a great trip and super productive, BUT I ate sooooo much food. Way more than I usually do. By the last day of my trip, food didn’t really even taste that good anymore. That’s when I know I’ve over done it. I NEVER get sick of food. I mean, I run a food blog for gosh sakes. So when food doesn’t taste good and in turn is actually making me depressed, I know I need a change of pace.
That’s actually something I’ve been struggling with lately. I grew up suffering from a ton of different body issues and eating disorders. And once I found CrossFit and paleo, most of those issues went away. But as my workouts change from multiple heavy CrossFit workouts per day to spinning and running and CrossFit all mixed into different days, my body changes along with it. In some ways, I like it. In other ways, I don’t. My body seems to be changing ALL THE TIME and never seems to find its comfort zone. It’s balance.
But is it my body, or is it just me that can’t find this balance?
I find myself struggling with these questions no matter what size I am. No matter what I look like, I’m incessantly looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Seriously, hating. That word that should never be expressed towards other people is how I feel about my own body. That’s f*cking whack. So does this mean I’m just searching for something different, something better, something that will never be because I expect something more? And is this a normal feeling for a human since we always want more? Or is it just me among my friends that is annoying enough to blab about it? I try to hold that stuff in because I know how upsetting it can be for other people to hear, but man does that sh*t build.
And it’s built enough. So I have to burst.
It’s almost like I want to feel bad for myself. Like I want to have something to complain about or be frustrated about. But why? Am I just still extremely immature? Or just young? Or insecure? Or is all of the above? I don’t really know. And no one can tell me those answers. No shrink, no friend, no boyfriend. Only myself.
Let me get to the point here. The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again. These are two of my favorite things that have brought more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. And I am the only person that can change my viewpoint on myself. I am the only person that can stare back at myself in the mirror and create a positive attitude for the person staring back.
That is all for today, folks. I will step down off my soapbox now.
Does it seem like I’m close to that time of the month right now? You’d think so, right? Wish I had that excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re like, my favorite. Whoever you are.