I’m finally home. I really wasn’t gone for that long in California, but it was long enough for me. I don’t really like being away from my day-to-day schedule. I like eating my own food, I like sleeping in my own bed, I like working out when I want to, but when you’re traveling for work and visiting friends, it makes it much tougher.
If you hadn’t heard, I’m working on a project out in California at the moment, so I’ll be traveling there for a few months. It was a great trip and super productive, BUT I ate sooooo much food. Way more than I usually do. By the last day of my trip, food didn’t really even taste that good anymore. That’s when I know I’ve over done it. I NEVER get sick of food. I mean, I run a food blog for gosh sakes. So when food doesn’t taste good and in turn is actually making me depressed, I know I need a change of pace.
That’s actually something I’ve been struggling with lately. I grew up suffering from a ton of different body issues and eating disorders. And once I found CrossFit and paleo, most of those issues went away. But as my workouts change from multiple heavy CrossFit workouts per day to spinning and running and CrossFit all mixed into different days, my body changes along with it. In some ways, I like it. In other ways, I don’t. My body seems to be changing ALL THE TIME and never seems to find its comfort zone. It’s balance.
But is it my body, or is it just me that can’t find this balance?
I find myself struggling with these questions no matter what size I am. No matter what I look like, I’m incessantly looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Seriously, hating. That word that should never be expressed towards other people is how I feel about my own body. That’s f*cking whack. So does this mean I’m just searching for something different, something better, something that will never be because I expect something more? And is this a normal feeling for a human since we always want more? Or is it just me among my friends that is annoying enough to blab about it? I try to hold that stuff in because I know how upsetting it can be for other people to hear, but man does that sh*t build.
And it’s built enough. So I have to burst.
It’s almost like I want to feel bad for myself. Like I want to have something to complain about or be frustrated about. But why? Am I just still extremely immature? Or just young? Or insecure? Or is all of the above? I don’t really know. And no one can tell me those answers. No shrink, no friend, no boyfriend. Only myself.
Let me get to the point here. The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again. These are two of my favorite things that have brought more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. And I am the only person that can change my viewpoint on myself. I am the only person that can stare back at myself in the mirror and create a positive attitude for the person staring back.
That is all for today, folks. I will step down off my soapbox now.
Does it seem like I’m close to that time of the month right now? You’d think so, right? Wish I had that excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re like, my favorite. Whoever you are.
Hi Juli!
I can’t express how much i resonate with this post. I read so many stories about women who felt horrible about their bodies before CrossFit and have loved their bodies ever since finding CrossFit. I wish I could say the same!
I, too, have struggled with body issues for as long as I can remember. The truth is, I think we all have good days and bad days. Some days I’m like, “I look great! Look at those quads!” And other days it’s, “I have cellulite. Why, why, why can’t I get rid of the cellulite?!”
Thank you for being willing to say all of this out loud! I find myself with false confidence often and it’s great to know that I’m not the only one who works really hard in CrossFit, eats well, and still has a love/hate relationship with my body. You’re awesome.
Nicole
I could definitely relate to your comment about food not even tasting good anymore after repeated overindulging. It’s my signal to stop. I recently had to travel a lot, including an all-inclusive resort and a 10-day roadtrip in a rather isolated area with little to choose from for my meals, then my family visited from out of the country and they wanted to try all the nicest restaurants. I decided to just give up on the whole paleo thing for a month. The first two weeks, it was fun to have decadent desserts and booze every day, but after a while, I didn’t even care for the dessert menu – that was my sign that I had overdone it and it was time to go back to my normal diet. I now have a fridge full of meat, veggies, and fruit, and have had no trouble sticking to these healthy choices.
Juli, I want to say just one thing- that the very bottom line, that at the end of the day- whatever/whenever you so choose to tag it- it’s all about what’s on the inside- the creative intellect that drives you- that make you beautiful. I notice that most of the posts here appear to be from younger women. I am a 60 year old doctor who reads your post everyday (and misses it when you’re not here!)- when the years pass, it isn’t what you look like that matters. People remember what you’ve been to them- what you’ve passed on, that you’ve been there for them. From the comments that I read with each of your posts, you give an enormous amount to an enormous number of people. Every one of the “comment” posts is giving you a giant hug. We will always have some days when we have a giant case of the f-its, when we shouldn’t even look in the mirror. Please remember that it’s all about what you give- and from the previous comments posted, you give alot to many people. Keep your head high and be proud of all you do for others. You may not see this so easily b/c the contact is not direct but please know that you are always best when you’re just you- nicks, dings and all!! Love ya’.
Juli, we ALL spend our lives wrestling with stuff. Even people who seem to be totally together have their demons.
I’m 61 years old now and I have to say that I’ve reached a point where I really don’t stress over much anymore.
Most of the energy spent worrying about dumb junk is much better spent being productive. Helping other people. (By the way, those other people don’t give a rat’s a@@ about your troubles. They have their own. 🙂 They don’t even notice your butt. (Seems to be one of your issues.)
I think that by and large you are a pretty positive person. Let the crap go and you will feel SO much better.
One thing that is helpful is to keep a gratitude journal. Every night before you go to bed list all of the things that you are grateful for that day. (And don’t you dare write something and then let that little voice go, “Yeah, but . . .) When you start really focusing on all of the great things it’s almost impossible to feel sorry for yourself.
Hang in there, girl!
I feel the EXACT same way and I’ve been struggling with it…..I always feel guilty and terrible after indulging for several days and I don’t want to feel that way. I just want to eat food and be normal!! I am confident someday I can find that balance..
Hugs!!
Like a lot of the others here, I can say I feel your pain! Not only is it crappy to hate yourself, but that hate is the sneaky kind of hate that tells you not to waste anybody else’s time with your misery because nobody cares.
BUT WE CARE! So, keep venting if it helps you! Or cook something and dance like a madman while doing it (but don’t dance while holding boiling liquid–trust me), or watch a stupid funny movie, or chill out to some awesome music. Or some combo of those. Also, +1 to the gratitude journal (sounds lame, works like a charm).
I know it sounds impossible, but feel better soon–we all love ya!
It seems to me that there are waayyy more people (especially women) out there who hate their bodies than there are those that like them, and that is really sad to me. So know that you aren’t alone, even though I know it doesn’t help that much (at least it doesn’t for me and I read a ton of articles on body acceptance).
I would like to think that someday I’ll get over my body issues, but I doubt I ever will fully. I think it’s one of those things where you just have to look for the positives and focus on those. I also think self-awareness of your negative thoughts is important- if you realize just how often you are negative maybe you can come up with ways to combat the negative thoughts when they creep in.
Thank you for being so honest and genuine in your blog- I’ve been a reader for 2 years now and yours has always been one of my faves! 🙂
Thanks for having the strength to be vulnerable about this. I relate, but I’m sorry you’re going through this; I’m sorry we’re all going through this. I hope you can find a way to shift your focus from your appearance to your actions, though. Not that you’re not gorgeous, but if what you’re seeing isn’t making you happy, change what you’re looking at, right? You’re a fucking force in this world. And you may not always feel like the hottest chick in the room, but I hope you get to a place where you feel like the happiest. You deserve that. We all do.
I’ve struggled with my body perception for as long as I can remember. I grew up with a mother who had an eating disorder from the moment I was born until I was in high school. Every morning I would count her laxatives. It’s an unspoken secret in my family, but we all knew.
So I grew up with a very warped perception of what skinny and beautiful looked like. I didn’t even know it until I suffered from an eating disorder of my own in college. In the decade since, I can recognize when I’m beating myself up, but couldn’t seem to stop myself. Until I discovered paleo last fall.
For the first time, I felt good about myself. I didn’t obsessively count calories. I felt better in my clothes. One day I actually had the thought that I had FINALLY beat this. Then the next week I found out I was pregnant.
I’m now 14 weeks pregnant and this has been the hardest and best thing that could have happened for my body image. My body has changed in ways that horrify and amaze me, and I have STRUGGLED with it, but I know it’s because I’m building a tiny human from scratch and it’s a constant reminder that this new life is WAY more important than my stupid hang-ups.
I’m not suggesting you get pregnant right now. 🙂 But if and when that time comes for you and you have to relinquish control of your body to create this new life, it puts everything in perspective. Today I believe that my body, no matter what it looks like, is incredible because it took two cells and has made a strong little baby that I just felt kick me for the first time this morning.
Hang in there, lady. It’s a hard journey, but it seems like we’re all on that path with you.
I browse through your blog on occasion because I find it humorous and refreshing. You have a gift of honesty, and sarcasm. I find it extremely refreshing that you sincerely put your true feelings at this moment out there. You really have no idea how many women (im sure men do too) deal with these day to day issues. I myself have had these same “meh” days, where I just beat myself down to putty. The days where you find every single thing wrong with anything. We all have them. We as humans are our biggest critics. So I wanted to tell you that you wrote something very true and important to remember; “finding a balance” and finding a positive in the negative. I think you do great things on your blog and I know with how successful you’ve become, you inspire many. So keep doing what your doing because you are doing something right and you look super fit! Give yourself credit where credit is due. You went out of your routine and your comfort zone to go to Cali. Your body will adjust just as it does to the various workouts you do, and adjust back to schedule.
Ultimately I just wanted to say you made me feel more human by reading this post. Find your balance and happy place, which you do often.
“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places”
-Hemingway