I’m finally home. I really wasn’t gone for that long in California, but it was long enough for me. I don’t really like being away from my day-to-day schedule. I like eating my own food, I like sleeping in my own bed, I like working out when I want to, but when you’re traveling for work and visiting friends, it makes it much tougher.
If you hadn’t heard, I’m working on a project out in California at the moment, so I’ll be traveling there for a few months. It was a great trip and super productive, BUT I ate sooooo much food. Way more than I usually do. By the last day of my trip, food didn’t really even taste that good anymore. That’s when I know I’ve over done it. I NEVER get sick of food. I mean, I run a food blog for gosh sakes. So when food doesn’t taste good and in turn is actually making me depressed, I know I need a change of pace.
That’s actually something I’ve been struggling with lately. I grew up suffering from a ton of different body issues and eating disorders. And once I found CrossFit and paleo, most of those issues went away. But as my workouts change from multiple heavy CrossFit workouts per day to spinning and running and CrossFit all mixed into different days, my body changes along with it. In some ways, I like it. In other ways, I don’t. My body seems to be changing ALL THE TIME and never seems to find its comfort zone. It’s balance.
But is it my body, or is it just me that can’t find this balance?
I find myself struggling with these questions no matter what size I am. No matter what I look like, I’m incessantly looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Seriously, hating. That word that should never be expressed towards other people is how I feel about my own body. That’s f*cking whack. So does this mean I’m just searching for something different, something better, something that will never be because I expect something more? And is this a normal feeling for a human since we always want more? Or is it just me among my friends that is annoying enough to blab about it? I try to hold that stuff in because I know how upsetting it can be for other people to hear, but man does that sh*t build.
And it’s built enough. So I have to burst.
It’s almost like I want to feel bad for myself. Like I want to have something to complain about or be frustrated about. But why? Am I just still extremely immature? Or just young? Or insecure? Or is all of the above? I don’t really know. And no one can tell me those answers. No shrink, no friend, no boyfriend. Only myself.
Let me get to the point here. The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again. These are two of my favorite things that have brought more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. And I am the only person that can change my viewpoint on myself. I am the only person that can stare back at myself in the mirror and create a positive attitude for the person staring back.
That is all for today, folks. I will step down off my soapbox now.
Does it seem like I’m close to that time of the month right now? You’d think so, right? Wish I had that excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re like, my favorite. Whoever you are.
Juli! I know everyone else wrote you novels, but I’m about to write you one too. I disagree that it’s because you’re young and things will just change – I mean, they might, but I don’t think you have to wait. I understand every word of what you just described (as, obviously, do many other women). I went to the Eating Recovery Center after I graduated college and three sessions seriously changed my life. I went to Marlene (I think was her name), and she didn’t convince me I was beautiful. She just gave me tools to work with. Simple ones that I thought would never work and did. I went to three different eating disorder therapists over 6 years before something finally worked – and half of it was the therapist and half of it was me deciding that I absolutely, no matter what, could not continue to live the way I was. Mine was slightly different, in that I would starve and binge, and then not want to go out, and I was gaining weight etc etc… but I think the mind games/cycles are the same. I know it’s miserable and I know nothing anyone can say makes it better – but you definitely don’t have to wait it out. And in my opinion you shouldn’t. Anyway, someone once told me I looked like you in high school and I thought it was the biggest complement anyone had ever given me. You’re gorgeous in every way – and you deserve to feel that way. Lots of love.
I know you have like a hundred comments on this post and I’m not sure that you actually read all of them but….SNAP OUT OF IT! I say this in the nicest way possible 🙂 Seriously, it is a complete waste of precious time to hate your body. You are young. You are beautiful and your body is almost perfect. Do me a favor and enjoy it now. Accept your body, love your body, take care of your body. One day in the future you will look back and wonder what the heck you were thinking when you hated your body in your 20’s. I know this because I wasted my time in my late teens and early 20’s hating my body. I wouldn’t wear certain clothes, always worried about how fat I looked, never thought my body was good enough…..what the heck was I thinking?! Now, 3 kids later, I wish I had enjoyed my almost perfect body when I had it!;)
Bravo for putting it out there. “IT”, being what so many of us women athletes feel and obsess over and bash ourselves for constantly. When in actuality, we are all FINE. Just as we are. You’re healthy, successful and gorgeous inside and out. Sending you love and hugs.
I’m gonna keep it short and sweet because Amber can write a hell of a lot better than I can—follow gokaleo.com
It kills me to think that someone who I think is absolutely the sh*t – beautiful, strong, talented and hilarious – could feel so inadequate, but the ironic thing is I often feel the exact same way about myself! Juli you are an inspiration and so are all of the amazing women who also have commented on this issue, reminding us that we are seriously NOT alone in these feelings. I am completely moved by the supportive comments and stories shared above. I can’t thank you enough for sharing this with all of us!
I love all the positive comments here, its so awesome! You’re not the only one with insecurities, I think its just the way our mind works and always comparing ourselves to someone else. (Thanks media -_- ) I’m guilty of it too, and I’m impossible with myself right now, I’ve managed to gain roughly 15lbs in a year being overseas and of course I went into panic mode (still am). I haven’t gotten to the point of an eating disorder thankfully, but its a mental thing. Funny thing is, all my clothes still fit the same. I’m going with the scale is being an asshole to me and its wrong. But ultimately its something that needs to be overcome and not look in the mirror and say negative things about ourselves… find something you love and go from there. Personally I h.a.t.e i mean h.a.t.e my thighs… i always joke that i’m going to have my “hamhocks” (my pet name for them) lypo’d out since I’ve done so many damn squats and lunges and still haven’t seen an results. They are still massive and they expand like a blob when I sit down, so I adjust myself to where its not so obvious. But of course, no one else notices. Its all mental. You’re gorgeous and extremely talented, don’t beat yourself up too much. Easier said than done, but look at how many people are giving you some amazing feedback.
Blimey, you feel worse about yourself than I did at 210lbs. Really doesn’t have to be this way. You have a choice. You can sort it out yourself but it takes ages or you can get some help, which still requires work but is somewhat more efficient. You can choose how you feel about yourself but it takes practice and belief and an understanding that you aren’t your emotions, they can just flow and you can take a step back and observe if they are helpful or not. Age helps! I now try to think of the things that used to stress me out but I can’t even remember most of them as my life has moved on. Amanda Allen put it well in an interview about how she used to totally worry and now she just tries to enjoy her exercise. Anyway, if you aren’t exactly how you want to be, why is that so bad? You’re yourself and unique. Try to improve in many ways but mainly observe where you are in a balanced way. You can’t train a body you don’t love! 🙂
Found it, watch the last minute where she describes how much time she wasted stressing…so, so true.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=o0Pl7_nkv1M#at=254
Juli, It’s not because you’re young..I loved my body when I was young, but now in my late thirties I hate it. I hate it when people say, your not fat..just a little thick..really people?? That is hurtful to someone who used to be thin her whole life. I want to do Crossfit, but I have anxiety problems with groups of people, but at the same time I know if I do it, I will see the results quickly enough for me to keep motivated. I would love to change my body. I just can’t do it alone 🙁 Thank you for your food and your rants! You are not alone!
I know all those feelings. Exactly. Thank you for reminding me I’m not the only one that has those battles.