I’m finally home. I really wasn’t gone for that long in California, but it was long enough for me. I don’t really like being away from my day-to-day schedule. I like eating my own food, I like sleeping in my own bed, I like working out when I want to, but when you’re traveling for work and visiting friends, it makes it much tougher.
If you hadn’t heard, I’m working on a project out in California at the moment, so I’ll be traveling there for a few months. It was a great trip and super productive, BUT I ate sooooo much food. Way more than I usually do. By the last day of my trip, food didn’t really even taste that good anymore. That’s when I know I’ve over done it. I NEVER get sick of food. I mean, I run a food blog for gosh sakes. So when food doesn’t taste good and in turn is actually making me depressed, I know I need a change of pace.
That’s actually something I’ve been struggling with lately. I grew up suffering from a ton of different body issues and eating disorders. And once I found CrossFit and paleo, most of those issues went away. But as my workouts change from multiple heavy CrossFit workouts per day to spinning and running and CrossFit all mixed into different days, my body changes along with it. In some ways, I like it. In other ways, I don’t. My body seems to be changing ALL THE TIME and never seems to find its comfort zone. It’s balance.
But is it my body, or is it just me that can’t find this balance?
I find myself struggling with these questions no matter what size I am. No matter what I look like, I’m incessantly looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Seriously, hating. That word that should never be expressed towards other people is how I feel about my own body. That’s f*cking whack. So does this mean I’m just searching for something different, something better, something that will never be because I expect something more? And is this a normal feeling for a human since we always want more? Or is it just me among my friends that is annoying enough to blab about it? I try to hold that stuff in because I know how upsetting it can be for other people to hear, but man does that sh*t build.
And it’s built enough. So I have to burst.
It’s almost like I want to feel bad for myself. Like I want to have something to complain about or be frustrated about. But why? Am I just still extremely immature? Or just young? Or insecure? Or is all of the above? I don’t really know. And no one can tell me those answers. No shrink, no friend, no boyfriend. Only myself.
Let me get to the point here. The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again. These are two of my favorite things that have brought more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. And I am the only person that can change my viewpoint on myself. I am the only person that can stare back at myself in the mirror and create a positive attitude for the person staring back.
That is all for today, folks. I will step down off my soapbox now.
Does it seem like I’m close to that time of the month right now? You’d think so, right? Wish I had that excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re like, my favorite. Whoever you are.
Juli, I’m sure you’ve gotten lots of great comments before I jumped in. Everyone here really loves you. I think rants are great and very needed sometimes. However, I disagree that you can change yourself by yourself. I think we all need someone else we can talk to, really talk to, no punches pulled. I think a live being on the other end who will understand and get it can help more than anything else, no matter what the problem is. Like you said, that stuff builds and when it does, it needs an outlet. The best outlet is a sit-down with someone you trust. The rest will happen.
P.S. You are one cool lady no matter your size or shape. You have a bodacious personality — in spades. I think personality trumps looks and always will.
A must read for all.
http://www.rolereboot.org/life/details/2013-06-when-your-mother-says-shes-fat
First of all, this…
http://iambeggingmymothernottoreadthisblog.com/2013/06/24/twelve-habits-of-happy-healthy-people-who-dont-give-a-shit-about-your-inner-peace/
You may have already read it – it’s all over facebook, but it’s worth reading again. It’s not really about body image issues, but it sort of is. It’s the best general life advice I’ve read in a long time.
Second, get rid of your mirrors. Seriously, you’re gorgeous, but like you said, no one can tell you that but you. My advice, as someone who’s been through those same feelings, is stop looking. It’s stupid, unrealistic advice, I realize because what are you going to do? Cover all the mirrors in your house? Throw them away? Probably not, but wouldn’t it be great if you could? Just wash your face, put your hair in a pony tail, ask your roommate or boyfriend if you have anything in your teeth, and get going with life! Do the stuff you love to do because of how it makes you feel, not because of how it makes you look! Looking back, I wish I would have been able to do that.
Take a fucking ton of pictures, though. In 10 years you’re going to want to look back at those pictures and marvel at how beautiful you were. That’s the phase I’m in now. I was a fucking bombshell and I didn’t even know it. Hindsight’s 20/20, and it helps me realize that if I looked that good and still felt that bad, I must have a pretty skewed opinion of myself. So now when I think I look fat, I just assume I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Because I don’t. And it doesn’t really matter anyway. I’m healthy, I have a great family and friends, and I do my best to fill my free time with things I enjoy.
It doesn’t fix everything. You still live in your own head and I think those feelings will always be there. So I guess my ultimate advice is to accept them as part of who you are. Don’t ever feel bad about feeling bad. Know that the tendency to get down about your appearance is just one small part of the fantastic person that you are. Feel those feelings, complain to your friends or on your blog, cry about it if you need to, and then go do something else. Those feelings don’t define you, just like your appearance doesn’t define you, but they’re part of you and that gives them value. Don’t stuff them down, accept them. Accept your thighs and your skin and your phobias and your neuroses and your pet peeves and all of the things that make you who you are. Because you’re great, not in spite of those things, but because of them.
Love yourself. Be happy. Do whatever the fuck you want.
THANK YOU for that PRICELESS link…..blog writing at its finest.
girlfriend…you sound either a) too busy, or b) without a real goal.
Gotta find something that makes you feel proud, happy with your accomplishments, and free. Set a goal, or stop adding so many goals. Simplify, basically.
it’s like that saying “when things aren’t adding up, start subtracting.”
find your happy place. simplify.
Hi Juli!
Guys struggle with this as well. I don’t think there’s a single person(man or woman) out there who doesn’t at some point in their life. We’re all “bozo’s on the bus” and were all on the same bus. I’ve discovered through a lot of reading and practice that happiness only comes when we are selfless, and show gratitude. From the above posts i can see that everyone is very grateful for you being a part of their lives. When we stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking about others happiness, it comes to us. So everyone, go out and make some one else happy and see how it makes you feel. Random acts of kindness are far to infrequent.
Hey Juli! Tons of great responses, so hopefully you are starting to realize it’s not just you feeling this way!. I just wanted to add that for me, I think I’m afraid that if I let myself be happy with myself, I’ll start to let control slip and end up somehow worse…fat or unfit or something else I haven’t defined yet. So I totally hear you about wanting to find something to feel bad about. And like everyone else here, I too think you rock!!
I don’t have the time to read all of these posts, but the ones I read and skimmed are dead on. I am 35 with 3 kids and I totally identify with you Juli. I have had these issues since I was 12 years old. It sucks!! I have had the same love/hate relationship with food and exercise. I was at a party the other night and ended up crying listening to 2 of the most beautiful women I know talk about how they can’t stop running and Crossfitting despite their serious injuries because of the fear that they might gain weight. We are willing to injure ourselves over vanity. It’s CRAZY! I wished so badly they could see themselves through my eyes. Please know that your spirit comes through loud and clear on this blog and you are a gorgeous person- inside and out! I just adore you:)
+ 1…regarding “injuring ourselves” for what comes down to societal “determinants” and vanity!…I actually got to a point where I would take off a leg cast (from tibia/ankle fractures) to run!…This madness must stop.
Juli…you are authentic…witty…a paleo culinary wizard ..and it is your superlative writing, in addition to your gastronomic talent that keeps us all riveted to your posts…You are beautiful and vibrant and I would not like to see you or any of your faithful flock suffer.
Girl I’m with ya! Wait until you have 3 kids and NOTHING goes back to where it used to be 🙂 But like everyone says I wouldn’t change a thing about being a mom to 3 uber amazing kiddos. Yes it would be nice to look like I did at 22 but that’s just not reality. I try to eat as healthy as possible and work out as often as I can but it’s still a daily struggle and now that I’m close to 40 (gasp!) my body feels like it’s betraying me with all the issues that come out of nowhere! So enjoy your sweet short youth b/c trust me it goes by so fast and in 10 years you will be missing this you right now 🙂 chin up girly!
Don’t waste the best years of your life worried about your very healthy body. LOL, I remember a movie, Legally Blonde…. there was a line :If a girl like you can’t get a man what hope do the rest of us have”. Seriously, you eat great and workout and at least in your photos look amazing.
It’s funny the happiness we assign to weight. I was once a size 26. I’ve always been big, until now. I fit into a size 10 and I magically thought weight loss would be a pass to awesomeness. Except, well. It’s not. It’s just a pass to a new clothing size.
I’m learning- friends, family, living life, enjoying food and exercise- WAY more important than stressing over things people don’t notice anyway.
So you go make your body healthy and enjoy it. Enjoy the food that fuels you and the movement that makes you feel alive.
I recommend reading Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff.