I’m finally home. I really wasn’t gone for that long in California, but it was long enough for me. I don’t really like being away from my day-to-day schedule. I like eating my own food, I like sleeping in my own bed, I like working out when I want to, but when you’re traveling for work and visiting friends, it makes it much tougher.
If you hadn’t heard, I’m working on a project out in California at the moment, so I’ll be traveling there for a few months. It was a great trip and super productive, BUT I ate sooooo much food. Way more than I usually do. By the last day of my trip, food didn’t really even taste that good anymore. That’s when I know I’ve over done it. I NEVER get sick of food. I mean, I run a food blog for gosh sakes. So when food doesn’t taste good and in turn is actually making me depressed, I know I need a change of pace.
That’s actually something I’ve been struggling with lately. I grew up suffering from a ton of different body issues and eating disorders. And once I found CrossFit and paleo, most of those issues went away. But as my workouts change from multiple heavy CrossFit workouts per day to spinning and running and CrossFit all mixed into different days, my body changes along with it. In some ways, I like it. In other ways, I don’t. My body seems to be changing ALL THE TIME and never seems to find its comfort zone. It’s balance.
But is it my body, or is it just me that can’t find this balance?
I find myself struggling with these questions no matter what size I am. No matter what I look like, I’m incessantly looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Seriously, hating. That word that should never be expressed towards other people is how I feel about my own body. That’s f*cking whack. So does this mean I’m just searching for something different, something better, something that will never be because I expect something more? And is this a normal feeling for a human since we always want more? Or is it just me among my friends that is annoying enough to blab about it? I try to hold that stuff in because I know how upsetting it can be for other people to hear, but man does that sh*t build.
And it’s built enough. So I have to burst.
It’s almost like I want to feel bad for myself. Like I want to have something to complain about or be frustrated about. But why? Am I just still extremely immature? Or just young? Or insecure? Or is all of the above? I don’t really know. And no one can tell me those answers. No shrink, no friend, no boyfriend. Only myself.
Let me get to the point here. The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again. These are two of my favorite things that have brought more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. And I am the only person that can change my viewpoint on myself. I am the only person that can stare back at myself in the mirror and create a positive attitude for the person staring back.
That is all for today, folks. I will step down off my soapbox now.
Does it seem like I’m close to that time of the month right now? You’d think so, right? Wish I had that excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re like, my favorite. Whoever you are.
Lots of people seem to have lots of encouraging things to say and helpful advice. And I don’t have anything to add other than *hugs* you are awesome.
This post came at such a funny time, I am going through the same thing.
I’ve recently ramped up my workouts this spring, adding cardio, doing a second yoga workout in the evening and the results have not been great. I’ve gained weight, lost strength, gained injuries, have been sleeping poorly. All I really want is to just like my body, why is it so HARD for me!!
I have been reading a couple websites (someone above recommended youreatopia.com, gokaleo is another) and I’ve decided the answer is to do less, not more. I’ve been constantly trying to do more over the past few years and it’s obviously not working for me
I’m stopping trying to eat so low carb (still paleo), stopping all workouts except yoga and physical therapy, and trying to focus on healing. Stress is just as harmful as a lousy diet (if not more!) and I need to get this under control before I develop and autoimmune disorder or something.
Like you, weightlifting and paleo helped me break out of a severe under eating trap but I’m obviously still struggling with issues. Just though I’d share my approach in case anyone finds it helpful. Sorry for the novel!
Have to say that everyone has parts of thier body they just hate. I know I have my list! But you also have parts of you that you like or don’t seem so bad. Focus on the good parts of you and how strong and great your body feels for the good things you do for it. Not only that, focus on the positive things you do for people in every day life and on your blog for just being you.
I love your honesty. You say what we are all thinking about ourselves…so refreshing 🙂
Giiiiiiirl, preach.
For serious, it is so refreshing to hear that people who I view as having an amazing body feel this way too (and yes, I just called you sexy. Whatev.) I feel incredibly self-conscious around my gym friends. I am neither jacked and muscular nor super skinny. I’m this weird in between body type that no one else seems to have. I feel sort of lost when it comes to my body. I have no advice, but obviously because of the crazy number of comments, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. None of us are.
I love this post, thank you for opening up and sharing. You’re right, the only person who can control your happiness and your perception of yourself is you! And even realizing that is a huge, huge accomplishment.
Reading “The Paleo Coach” by Jason Seib really helped me with my body issues.
All I wanna say is this: whoever set this “body standard” we are currently comparing ourselves to needs to be severely beaten. I’m sorry, but I don’t want to look so thin that a 5mph wind could blow me over. Marilyn Monroe was and still is one of THE sexiest women alive and she was not a gaunt hollowed-out creature on the magazine covers we see today. Just sayin…maybe it’s none of the reasons you’ve speculated about that you feel unbalanced about. There’s our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual side we must balance to be really complete.
I’ve been overweight my whole life, and I’ve had my share of these feelings. It is definitely a deep hole to fall into, but the important thing is to make sure you not fall too deep- always look for the light. Even at my lowest weight, I still never felt satisfied.
Remember- you body is a shell for your soul. Yes, you need to take good care of it, but your body is NOT what defines you. If you take away the dieting, the exercise and mirrors what makes you happy? what are the things you do that bring you great joy each day? What are the things in life that define your heart? And friends and family CAN help you with this- they stick around for a reason. And I doubt it’s because you’re great at CrossFit- it’s because you’re funny, observant, witty and have a warm heart. Your blog has helped me tremendously over the last year-it gives me inspiration and I’ve lost 15lbs as a result. You’ve taught me how to listen to my body when it comes to food and find a balance- and you’re doing it in a way that makes me enjoy dieting and exercise. Feel beautiful when you’re laughing with friends, riding your bike and most importantly, feel beautiful knowing you make the world a better place with every post you make!
Hi Juli-
Some of this may seem presumptuous coming from a total stranger, but here it goes: lately I have noticed more of a focus on being “smaller” from you, and it kind of worried me, because I like you a lot and it made me sad to see such a fit, gorgeous woman feeling like her body isn’t good enough. I’m sure if you look back to times when you were thinner, you’ll realize it wasn’t a magic bullet for happiness and self-love. I’m happy to see you’re realizing that maybe your perceptions need to change. Unless your start loving yourself from within, you can lose all the weight you want and still find things to hate about yourself.
I used to read a lot of HLBs and wonder why I had such an enormous appetite. They seemed to eat bird-sized portions and work out a ton, and I would try to eat like them and be STARVING. I would beat myself up over it, telling myself “this is why you’ll never be thin, you eat like a man, you eat too much.” About two years ago I developed chronic fatigue, and though it has been devastating, it has taught me some good lessons. My appetite is normal for ME, it’s what my body needs. Sometimes I eat my boyfriend under the table and that’s ok. It’s forced me to stop working out so hard and stop pushing my body so hard. I have put on weight and lost muscle definition, and though I’m not crazy about that, I am learning to accept it, because my health needs to come first.
I am on the road to recovery, and paleo has been part of that. As has your website with your awesome recipes.:-) This is something many women struggle with and I hope you come to realize how attractive you are. You rock!!
I agree with Jess…you do seem to have changed in your desire to be strong and healthy…and now you want to amp up your cardio and get thinner? You have cut back your crossfit and complain of your thighs touching? I am not here to advocate one way or another, but try to find something about yourself to be happy about. You’re totally beautiful, healthy, and a God-sent advocate of healthy, strong, honest women (and men). Did I mention you’re HEALTHY? You have a body women would die for, men probably would cry for (in a creepy way), and most importantly, was divinely created. You were created for far more than the mirror, my dear. You are already changing lives. Be happy with that. We are all sad that the great Juli Bauer feels less than. You ROCK, girl. Today when my thighs rub together when I walk, I will smile and think how lucky I am to share that trait with you.