I’m finally home. I really wasn’t gone for that long in California, but it was long enough for me. I don’t really like being away from my day-to-day schedule. I like eating my own food, I like sleeping in my own bed, I like working out when I want to, but when you’re traveling for work and visiting friends, it makes it much tougher.
If you hadn’t heard, I’m working on a project out in California at the moment, so I’ll be traveling there for a few months. It was a great trip and super productive, BUT I ate sooooo much food. Way more than I usually do. By the last day of my trip, food didn’t really even taste that good anymore. That’s when I know I’ve over done it. I NEVER get sick of food. I mean, I run a food blog for gosh sakes. So when food doesn’t taste good and in turn is actually making me depressed, I know I need a change of pace.
That’s actually something I’ve been struggling with lately. I grew up suffering from a ton of different body issues and eating disorders. And once I found CrossFit and paleo, most of those issues went away. But as my workouts change from multiple heavy CrossFit workouts per day to spinning and running and CrossFit all mixed into different days, my body changes along with it. In some ways, I like it. In other ways, I don’t. My body seems to be changing ALL THE TIME and never seems to find its comfort zone. It’s balance.
But is it my body, or is it just me that can’t find this balance?
I find myself struggling with these questions no matter what size I am. No matter what I look like, I’m incessantly looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Seriously, hating. That word that should never be expressed towards other people is how I feel about my own body. That’s f*cking whack. So does this mean I’m just searching for something different, something better, something that will never be because I expect something more? And is this a normal feeling for a human since we always want more? Or is it just me among my friends that is annoying enough to blab about it? I try to hold that stuff in because I know how upsetting it can be for other people to hear, but man does that sh*t build.
And it’s built enough. So I have to burst.
It’s almost like I want to feel bad for myself. Like I want to have something to complain about or be frustrated about. But why? Am I just still extremely immature? Or just young? Or insecure? Or is all of the above? I don’t really know. And no one can tell me those answers. No shrink, no friend, no boyfriend. Only myself.
Let me get to the point here. The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again. These are two of my favorite things that have brought more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. And I am the only person that can change my viewpoint on myself. I am the only person that can stare back at myself in the mirror and create a positive attitude for the person staring back.
That is all for today, folks. I will step down off my soapbox now.
Does it seem like I’m close to that time of the month right now? You’d think so, right? Wish I had that excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re like, my favorite. Whoever you are.
I read a shit ton of blogs and none of them, NONE OF THEM, are as authentic as yours. Thanks for that.
I feel for you. I come here now and again to see if you have moved past some of these demons. This was my favorite site in my last year of ED before full-fledged recovery effort. I was constantly duped by bloggers by what I thought was normalcy. Exhaustive workouts, specific diets…so many bloggers who look healthy but have serious image and food issues…I now see they still struggle and I wish there was something I could do. I know I can’t. And many will hate me for posting this but if there is ONE person out there who can listen, just know:
100% freedom from food, fear, exercise, and body hatred is possible.
It takes a very strong mind and will to succeed. You have trained yourself your whole life to hate yourself. You have to unlearn it, and it sucks, and it will be the hardest thing you ever do. But I didn’t want to be a victim of the media or other people’s opinions anymore. Why is it ‘the worst thing’ to be ‘fat’ or ‘gain weight?’ Because we’re told that, and like fools, we believe it.
After 12 years ED (5 with paleo, orthorexia, severely under my normal weight, though everyone thought I ‘looked amazing’) I am free. I went back to school, learned piano, started doing stand up comedy. I gained 50lbs, but a new life. And I still get hit on, a lot, even though I am BMI 28.
This from someone who was defined by dance, then running, then tennis, then being a personal trainer, then cross-fit.
I hate this society because of the denial we are in. Eating disorders are rampant. You don’t have to be a twig to be underweight for your body’s needs, you should never have to count calories, you should never gain weight at the drop of a hat (dead metabolism anyone?) We are neurotic, afraid of food, validate ourselves with exercise.
I haven’t intentionally exercised in over a year. I eat whatever the hell I want, usually about 3000 cals a day because yes, I am still that hungry (1 year later). I am also weight stable.
I cried a freakin’ lot. But I’m free. If anyone wants to take the red pill, start here: youreatopia.com
+ 1 to Monster’s brilliant commentary. Relating …empathizing , alas 100 %. I have only just become aware of youreatopia…and urge people to seek out its sage words.
After over ten years of anorexia nervosa, orthorexia, compulsive exercise and the virtual destruction of my metabolism…I am finally willing to wave the white flag…I am 53..and l am exhausted from years WASTED focusing on body-self-hatred..which, alas propagates to inner self-hatred…Do not go there people…the resulting isolation is not worth it!
I was scared sh*tless by a huge weight gain (yes…to the reality of DEAD metabolism) in the year after my last hospitalization and relapsed after of year of trying to eat normally. I think the catalyst was a comment from the nurse at my yearly ob/gyn appointment…who, upon looking at the weight gain post-hospitalization made the “sensitive” comment “Wow…you really gained a lot of weight since leaving the hospital…Did you eat all the time?!”…She knew of my disease…she was a health professional…and she SAID this….What she did not realize, was that yes, metabolism is greatly affected during chronic long-term starvation, and that I was having an extremely difficult time with it…listening to my ED team…I was NOT eating 24/7…but people sadly can assume such thing…
Sorry to vent…and bore…but we need to be kind, gentle and empathetic to each other…as women….We must not be defined by weight alone. I’m going to ATTEMPT to repair my destroyed metabolism…my family relationships…this…by re-connecting with youreatopia principles and a long-overdue return to the hospital.
I think you are super awesome, and I tell all my friends about you, you have really helped me do my first month of Paleo. I do think part of it is age, and when you are 40, you will look back and be like, I looked so good then, why did I think I didn’t? It’s ok though, its normal to have these thoughts, but try not to let them pervade your mind and days, because life is so much fun, and you are living it up! I live vicariously through you!
^what a lovely community
;’) you’re amazing darling. Thank you for what you do, what you share. It’s so helpful (at least for me) and not just for the ‘paleo’ aspects.
Much much love xx
Thank you for being real and wearing your heart on your sleeve!
…that’s how I feel every day, the longer I look In the mirror loathing even more… thanks for being real..so true that no one can take that feeling away no matter how healthy you are.. you’re amazing..
Thanks so much for sharing! Although much better now, I have also had issues with my body image. Now adopting a Paleo lifestyle and getting into Crossfit, I am trying to accept what a “healthy” body looks like. Although I have days when I feel amazing, it still feels like crap when your pants are tighter or your favorite dress is no longer flattering.
Your blog post couldn’t have come for a better time for me. It is very comforting and makes me see that I’m not the only one trying to overcome the same feelings. Guess we all need to keep reminding ourselves that HEALTHY is BE-A-UTIFUL! 🙂
I was referred to some books, YouTube etc by Brene Brown that deal with these issues. Her work looks very good, I am checking her out. Find peace –
I wish I could hug you through the computer screen. Which is weird. But seriously, LOVE this post x 109329830293.
. “The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again”
Keep that thought as you get older, and adjust accordingly! Rant on!!