I’m finally home. I really wasn’t gone for that long in California, but it was long enough for me. I don’t really like being away from my day-to-day schedule. I like eating my own food, I like sleeping in my own bed, I like working out when I want to, but when you’re traveling for work and visiting friends, it makes it much tougher.
If you hadn’t heard, I’m working on a project out in California at the moment, so I’ll be traveling there for a few months. It was a great trip and super productive, BUT I ate sooooo much food. Way more than I usually do. By the last day of my trip, food didn’t really even taste that good anymore. That’s when I know I’ve over done it. I NEVER get sick of food. I mean, I run a food blog for gosh sakes. So when food doesn’t taste good and in turn is actually making me depressed, I know I need a change of pace.
That’s actually something I’ve been struggling with lately. I grew up suffering from a ton of different body issues and eating disorders. And once I found CrossFit and paleo, most of those issues went away. But as my workouts change from multiple heavy CrossFit workouts per day to spinning and running and CrossFit all mixed into different days, my body changes along with it. In some ways, I like it. In other ways, I don’t. My body seems to be changing ALL THE TIME and never seems to find its comfort zone. It’s balance.
But is it my body, or is it just me that can’t find this balance?
I find myself struggling with these questions no matter what size I am. No matter what I look like, I’m incessantly looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Seriously, hating. That word that should never be expressed towards other people is how I feel about my own body. That’s f*cking whack. So does this mean I’m just searching for something different, something better, something that will never be because I expect something more? And is this a normal feeling for a human since we always want more? Or is it just me among my friends that is annoying enough to blab about it? I try to hold that stuff in because I know how upsetting it can be for other people to hear, but man does that sh*t build.
And it’s built enough. So I have to burst.
It’s almost like I want to feel bad for myself. Like I want to have something to complain about or be frustrated about. But why? Am I just still extremely immature? Or just young? Or insecure? Or is all of the above? I don’t really know. And no one can tell me those answers. No shrink, no friend, no boyfriend. Only myself.
Let me get to the point here. The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again. These are two of my favorite things that have brought more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. And I am the only person that can change my viewpoint on myself. I am the only person that can stare back at myself in the mirror and create a positive attitude for the person staring back.
That is all for today, folks. I will step down off my soapbox now.
Does it seem like I’m close to that time of the month right now? You’d think so, right? Wish I had that excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re like, my favorite. Whoever you are.
Gonna take a stab and be the only male to delve in….sounds to me kinda like you need to define yourself, and not let anything else challenge it. Which is strange, because it seems like you’ve already handled the tough part, which is finding out what you really like, and sticking to it. There are so many directives for what a person “should” be, or “should” look like. Not to play the race card, but as a black man, certain things are expected of you, like what music you like, how you speak/sound, and with my background, the type of employment you will pursue. But, what I love about being me, is that I CAN CHOOSE! It doesn’t matter what “should” have been; on some level everyone wants to change something about themselves, and it certainly isn’t something to hate. Think of it like this: if you didn’t have most of your natural sense, would it even make a difference? You’d have to work it out anyway to find some sort of peace or balance.
I got teased about EVERYTHING about me when I was young, and it didn’t stop until I was about 17. My height, my age because I was younger than all the other kids, my intellect, and that I wore glasses, my taste in music because I grew up playing classical piano and jazz saxophone….It went on and on. It wasn’t until I decided that I didn’t want to be pushed around anymore by what anyone thought, and wanted to be happy with who I am that I made some major changes to myself. I taught myself how to play the guitar, played in a classic rock band, took up acting, dressed like a skater-meets Eddie Vedder-meets-Lenny Kravitz-meets-Beastie Boys, before it was cool for a black guy to look like that, simply because that’s what I wanted to do. Influence will always come from somewhere. But the key is to tune it all out and listen to your own voice only, since it is the one that matters the most. Find the things you love about yourself the most, tell yourself why you think those things are awesome, and wash-rinse-repeat. A good exercise is to find 10 things about your appearance that you like, every morning before you leave the house. Keep doing that, and you’ll realize that the only opinion that was kicking your ass was your own, and what you feared being wasn’t as big and ugly a monster as you thought 🙂 p.s. you’re funny, articulate, creative and courageous to live your life the way you want to. That’s SUPER hot.
very well said sir! thank you for sharing that with all of us
I may or may not get read by you….as in I’m wayyyy down on the response list…but…in good reason, I have chased my son (19 months) or for annoyed people “year and a half” down all day..but to get to my point, I thank you for feeling human…and especially for me after having a baby and living “paleo” “clean” Blurg…….what not I’m still a person and I might never look how I “think” I should but damn, my kid eats apples like candy so yes…I’m awesome…..and back to my pont you are awesome..and thanks
I can say the meanest things to myself – things I would never even think about another woman.
What is really scary is that when I started feeling comfortable saying them about myself, I started think mean things about other women. What the heck?!? When I expect perfection from myself not only am I let down EVERY DAY, I start expecting others to be perfect, and that just doesn’t happen.
It was only when I started thinking about myself as just another human that I stopped calling myself fat and ugly. It doesn’t make me LOVE my body or turn a blind eye to my blemishes – but it does curb my insecurity.
Besides, perfection is boring. When I leave a room I want someone to comment on how nice, generous, funny, or smart I was, not how skinny I was or the shape of my butt.
Thanks for the Therapy Sesh – we all need it.
I know I really struggle because I do feel better when I eat clean and work out BUT I just don’t lose weight super easily. The skinniest I got was when I did a fitness show and I had to be a freak about everything. Now, I workout at crossfit about 3 days a week, run occasionally, and eat probably 80% paleo. I feel like my life is overall better balanced but I hate the way my weight shifts with that. It’s so frustrating because I want to do a show again JUST to lose weight but I seriously dread the idea of going through what I did before because of the sacrifices and supplements that made me feel weird. And I know that’s not good for my body but it’s just that weird mental thing going on again I guess. Anyway, we women are just crazy and it’s good to know we aren’t alone out there with these thoughts.
Same boat, sista friend! I have an absolute PANIC attack when my weight goes up beyond what I’ve defined as “comfortable” Even though I’m not totally comfortable at that weight either. And food? I’ve been working on overcoming my unhealthy relationship with food, I dunno, since 2nd grade when a boy in school asked me if I knew why I was fat. Stress about it all the time. And I have a picture in my mind of exactly how I want to look, and if I don’t look that way, I don’t want to go workout because I feel embarrassed. I know this isn’t helpful at all, but I guess my point is you’re not alone.
you took the words right out of my mouth, especially the part about exercise and food both having crossed into enemy lines. This has happened to me more than once and I too have struggled with eating disorders more than once and I’m also only 24! I always look at other people and compare myself when I know I should be content with my own body, but slowly crossfit is making me see that strong is sexier than skinny. You know what I did that has helped? I quit facebook and instagram. I found myself living vicariously through other peoples lives and forgot to find the beauty in my own 🙂
Hey!
In all honesty, this post could not have come at a more perfect time! I too have struggled with body image, food, and working out. Once I found Paleo and Crossfit, I felt that the answers had been “found”. Awhile went by in which I wasnt stressing about food, calories in/out, working out etc and it was the most RELAXED and QUIET my mind has ever been. For whatever reason though, those issues have started to creep back inside my head.Reading your post could not have come at a better time. Thank you for the reminder that only I can change my viewpoint.
Oh how I can relate!! I am a mom of three.. That right there should be enough to tell you that my body is nowhere near where it once was. I work my ass off, and still don’t have the body I want. Will I ever have that perfect body? The answer is a big fat NO, but ya know what? That’s okay, progress not perfection!
The number one words I think of when I look at myself lately have been “gross” and “disgusting” …which I know is horrible, but its how I honestly feel. Aka I’m half using you for therapy and half telling you you’re normal, but when my poor mother walked in on me trying on pants/sobbing this morning it was bad news. I can only thing of one 3 month period that I can remember when I was happy with my body an I would call it borderline eating disorder. Sooo let’s call ourselves normal for being unhappy? Yeah?
Juli, Juli, Juli….you don’t know me…and I don’t know you…but I seriously love you. It takes balls to admit to one’s insecurities, especially on a public forum like this. But just know this: you are beautiful, hilarious, and one badass cook. Before clicking on this post, I clicked on your previous post with the picture of you holding that kombucha bottle and turned to my mom and said, “Mom, isn’t this girl gorgeous? She’s my age and amazing and helps me stick to Paleo. Plus look at her cute dimples!” My mom agreed and then got her reading glasses so she could see more pics of you lol, how creepy. Then I clicked on this and felt sad….for you, for me, for all us women who feel inadequate and sub par and fat and ugly and as far away from perfect as we deem humanly possible. I have ALWAYS hated my body. I have PCOS so I get tons of facial hair that likes to become ingrown. So I already feel like a man. Plus, I have scars and spots from them so that makes me feel even worse. On top of that, I have a condition where I make effed up collagen so i have TONS of stretch marks. i can’t tell you how many times I’ve wished I could just start this life all over, in a new body. But this is the body I was dealt and every day is a struggle to just face going out in public and being the best, healthiest, strongest me I can be. Not to mention, I used to be obese, and every time I look in the mirror, I still see my fat self. No one’s compliments ever seem like truths to me, so I understand if you think we’re all pandering. But seriously, you’re amazing. Good luck to all of us in loving ourselves. We deserve it.