I’m finally home. I really wasn’t gone for that long in California, but it was long enough for me. I don’t really like being away from my day-to-day schedule. I like eating my own food, I like sleeping in my own bed, I like working out when I want to, but when you’re traveling for work and visiting friends, it makes it much tougher.
If you hadn’t heard, I’m working on a project out in California at the moment, so I’ll be traveling there for a few months. It was a great trip and super productive, BUT I ate sooooo much food. Way more than I usually do. By the last day of my trip, food didn’t really even taste that good anymore. That’s when I know I’ve over done it. I NEVER get sick of food. I mean, I run a food blog for gosh sakes. So when food doesn’t taste good and in turn is actually making me depressed, I know I need a change of pace.
That’s actually something I’ve been struggling with lately. I grew up suffering from a ton of different body issues and eating disorders. And once I found CrossFit and paleo, most of those issues went away. But as my workouts change from multiple heavy CrossFit workouts per day to spinning and running and CrossFit all mixed into different days, my body changes along with it. In some ways, I like it. In other ways, I don’t. My body seems to be changing ALL THE TIME and never seems to find its comfort zone. It’s balance.
But is it my body, or is it just me that can’t find this balance?
I find myself struggling with these questions no matter what size I am. No matter what I look like, I’m incessantly looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Seriously, hating. That word that should never be expressed towards other people is how I feel about my own body. That’s f*cking whack. So does this mean I’m just searching for something different, something better, something that will never be because I expect something more? And is this a normal feeling for a human since we always want more? Or is it just me among my friends that is annoying enough to blab about it? I try to hold that stuff in because I know how upsetting it can be for other people to hear, but man does that sh*t build.
And it’s built enough. So I have to burst.
It’s almost like I want to feel bad for myself. Like I want to have something to complain about or be frustrated about. But why? Am I just still extremely immature? Or just young? Or insecure? Or is all of the above? I don’t really know. And no one can tell me those answers. No shrink, no friend, no boyfriend. Only myself.
Let me get to the point here. The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again. These are two of my favorite things that have brought more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. And I am the only person that can change my viewpoint on myself. I am the only person that can stare back at myself in the mirror and create a positive attitude for the person staring back.
That is all for today, folks. I will step down off my soapbox now.
Does it seem like I’m close to that time of the month right now? You’d think so, right? Wish I had that excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re like, my favorite. Whoever you are.
I hope you find the answer because I’m 45 and still struggling with hating my body. I was just in Lake Havasu, spent 3 days in a swimsuit and people telling me how great I look, but I don’t see it. I have a lot of days that I just want to say F*ck crossfit and my diet, but I keep going hoping to one day be satisified.
Love your blog. Hugz 🙂
Feel Better!
oh.my.gosh. we’re twinsies!
well, okay not totally because i haven’t tried CF but the ‘not trying’ is because of my fears and insecurities, e.g. not good enough, strong enough, hot enough in tight workout pants.
i actually commented on your Instagram pic the other day about how fabulous you look. i don’t just say that to people randomly. i really meant it because i admire your strength (and i really do think you’re beautiful even if you don’t) and because i feel like we’re built similarly. well, i’m not as hot but i’m trying to get there. 🙂
i have the same plaguing questions. i have always HATED myself. i don’t have one full-length mirror in my house because if i thought it wouldn’t screw up a bunch of stuff, i’d cut off my own darn legs. they’re ugly to me despite their strength and it’s so bad i can’t go swimming around people i know or wear shorts (short, long or otherwise).
anyway, when you find the answer puh-lease let me know!
in the meantime, i feel ya. i got mad love for ya. and i still think you’re a hottie. i will also say that i believe some of my deep-rooted self-esteem challenges were one of the reasons my marriage failed (only a very, very tiny reason, mind you, but still). it seems like you already recognize that a boyfriend can’t cure this but i just know in my own personal life that i need to get to a comfortable spot with myself before i can really feel love.
i’m sorry. that was far too much. i just relate. a.lot.
OMG Thank you for posting this today. I look to you as inspiration on my paleo journey and to see that you have struggled and still struggle with the same things I do makes you even that much more relatable. I just went to my therapist this week to discuss my food and body issues. Was the first time I had been back in a long long time. Going made me feel better, but I am like you. We are the only ones that can keep food/exercise out of “enemy” territory. We are the ones that have to look in the mirror and be positive and reassure ourselves. It’s so hard. It can be a daily struggle. But one we are strong and tough enought to win. Thank you so so muc for posting this. I needed to read something exactly like this. Helps me realize I am not quite as cray as I thought, that there are others out there just like me. Thank you. You are awesome.
AMEN! Isn’t it strange that food can be so blah, even as a food lover? I suppose those bad feelings surrounding the end of your trip can only reinforce that you’re living the right lifestyle for you while you’re at home, and you know what makes you happy– your routine. Solace can be found in that, I think.
I’ll always read your RANTS because you’re hilarious! (and beautiful! and badass!)
**also**
it may be that all the fun foods you have been eating in cali are affecting your outlook– like, biochemically.
food can totally influence mental state.
some fun facts:
– 95% percent of body’s total serotonin (happy neurotransmitter) is made in the gut
– inflammation and gut stress is related to depression (classic is irritable bowel syndrome)
– gut bacteria make neurotransmitters!!
btw, you’re wonderful and we love you.
Ugh, its so sad so many of us woman feel like this, I wish I had a magic solution. Its funny/sad how distorted are minds are towards our own bodies. I once saw a picture of my husband standing next to this girl (who I couldn’t reconiize since her back was to me) and I thought “that girl is hot, she has a nice butt, why is my husband talking to her?” And then I realized upon closer inspection that girl was me, all of the sudden all positive thoughts drained out of my head and all I could see were my imperfections. I wish we could always look at our bodies with an outside perspective and truly see the beauty in them.
I’ve felt that way towards food and exercise for many years now. it got worse when I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. everything I ate made me feel so sick, so I would try to put off eating for as long as I could. I never looked forward to it and was wasting away. I basically equate food with pain. they went hand in hand with each other.
since I started the paleo diet, my gut has improved a lot and I have gained weight again- I got down to only 84 lbs but am up to 101 lbs which is a great thing for me. I was so emaciated and felt absolutely terrible because I considered food my enemy. and forget about exercising- when you can’t even stand because you’re so weak, there is no exercising involved. but now I am stronger than I ever have been and never take my health and good days for granted.
I hope you can learn to love yourself, juli. you have your health and your body works for you. imagine if it didn’t- you wouldn’t be so worried about what you look like anymore.
Juli…..
I think a lot about why I hate the way the mirror portrays me. How dare it give me those “child bearing hips”, the boney knees, and little boobs. It’s when I feel my most like a subject in a
Picasso painting that some sweet creature in the gym tells me my ass looks great!! REALLY….!! love you sweet lady, I really do. She doesn’t say your hips are hideous or you need a boob job, nope….she finds something nice about me…
And then I think about it. I never find that anyone in the gym looks awful, they all look great to me……so why I am so very hard on myself. I am not young (56) or uneducated or anything. I am just a woman…and I no longer have the “time of the month” excuse.
We need to filter the bad and admire the good, cuz we all have good.
and you, my dear, have lots of good!!!
You’re human, I know I certainly go through those feelings too, way too frequently at times. Thanks for posting this!