I’m finally home. I really wasn’t gone for that long in California, but it was long enough for me. I don’t really like being away from my day-to-day schedule. I like eating my own food, I like sleeping in my own bed, I like working out when I want to, but when you’re traveling for work and visiting friends, it makes it much tougher.
If you hadn’t heard, I’m working on a project out in California at the moment, so I’ll be traveling there for a few months. It was a great trip and super productive, BUT I ate sooooo much food. Way more than I usually do. By the last day of my trip, food didn’t really even taste that good anymore. That’s when I know I’ve over done it. I NEVER get sick of food. I mean, I run a food blog for gosh sakes. So when food doesn’t taste good and in turn is actually making me depressed, I know I need a change of pace.
That’s actually something I’ve been struggling with lately. I grew up suffering from a ton of different body issues and eating disorders. And once I found CrossFit and paleo, most of those issues went away. But as my workouts change from multiple heavy CrossFit workouts per day to spinning and running and CrossFit all mixed into different days, my body changes along with it. In some ways, I like it. In other ways, I don’t. My body seems to be changing ALL THE TIME and never seems to find its comfort zone. It’s balance.
But is it my body, or is it just me that can’t find this balance?
I find myself struggling with these questions no matter what size I am. No matter what I look like, I’m incessantly looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Seriously, hating. That word that should never be expressed towards other people is how I feel about my own body. That’s f*cking whack. So does this mean I’m just searching for something different, something better, something that will never be because I expect something more? And is this a normal feeling for a human since we always want more? Or is it just me among my friends that is annoying enough to blab about it? I try to hold that stuff in because I know how upsetting it can be for other people to hear, but man does that sh*t build.
And it’s built enough. So I have to burst.
It’s almost like I want to feel bad for myself. Like I want to have something to complain about or be frustrated about. But why? Am I just still extremely immature? Or just young? Or insecure? Or is all of the above? I don’t really know. And no one can tell me those answers. No shrink, no friend, no boyfriend. Only myself.
Let me get to the point here. The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again. These are two of my favorite things that have brought more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. And I am the only person that can change my viewpoint on myself. I am the only person that can stare back at myself in the mirror and create a positive attitude for the person staring back.
That is all for today, folks. I will step down off my soapbox now.
Does it seem like I’m close to that time of the month right now? You’d think so, right? Wish I had that excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re like, my favorite. Whoever you are.
Paleo and crossfit also saved me from the vicious cycle of eating and exercising disorders and relentless body-hating. I’m injured right now and not being able to crossfit (tear of a tendon in my foot) really gets me down. And makes the undercurrent of body hate so so so much stronger. Just keep exercising because you -love- it and because you’re healthy, and keep eating because you -love- it and because you’re healthy. And then, the love for your body will come, because you know you’re doing things that are full of love and your body will be a reflection of that. It will be okay. And maybe next time you’re in CA doing your awesome new project, make taking care of yourself a priority. Happy Juli is the best Juli!
And tomorrow will be better 🙂
I have always had issues with my body. Even when I was a size 2 in highschool I thought I was fat. Now I look at those pics and can’t believe how thin I was. I had a baby almost 16 months ago and am still trying to lose some baby weight. I also have awful stretch marks from the pregnancy. It took me a long time to begin to accept my body. I am still not happy with it, but I have come a long way accepting it. The only thing that really helped me do that was yoga. Yoga is about much more than the physical postures. It’s about balancing everything – mind, body, and spirit. And it’s about acceptance and surrender. You might find some peace in yoga. And there are difference types, so if you try one and don’t like it try a different type.
And I don’t know you aside from your blog so you can completely dismiss this comment, but I do think it’s possible you’re holding onto negative feelings because you’re scared to let go and let yourself be happy. I think a lot of us do that. Who knows why we do it. But I don’t think that getting to your “ideal” body, whatever that is, is going to make you happy.
The external is never really going to make us happy. You and you alone are the only person who can do that.
Like I said, try yoga. And The Four Agreements is a good book.
Juli,
I agree with the commenter who said that even at your “ideal” body you may not feel happier. I also wonder if all the food you ate in SD is messing with your head? That happens to me sometimes when I get all crazy with my food. Is there something else that you feel unsatisfied with in your life? Do have an unsettled relationship with someone or do you feel overwhelmed by your new projects? I usually really hate my body and notice everything wrong with my face when I feel inadequate in other ways. It feels easier to talk trash about my looks than admit to feeling inadequate in other ways. I then have to address what is really bothering me, develop a concrete plan to resolve the problem (ask for help usually works- and saying it out loud makes it less bad), and then taking action. Usually then I’m so focused on getting those results, and then as I resolve my problems, I forget to hate how I look. Then I don’t weigh myself and realize my pants were tight bc I put them in the dryer, not bc I’m a whale. Also not hating myself, I make better food and exercise choices. I’m glad you posted this. I’m pregnant, but depressed about how fast I’m gaining weight. I was so mad about the scale that I ate a bagel cream cheese and lox and a meatball sub yesterday. You know how that can feel! Anyway writing all this out is helping me snap out of it. It is probably more about feeling unsettled bc I’m in the middle of moving!
Big hug!
I’m sure you’re going to hear this a lot on the comments section – but you’re an inspiration! Seriously, I can definitely count you as one of the reasons I started paleo and joined a crossfit box. Seeing a woman who is as strong and beautiful as you are is something that I think really connected with me as far as body image goes in a way that no silly Cosmo ad ever could. This girl has muscles..that’s awesome.
Ultimately at the end of the day, only you can make you feel good about you. Compliments never hurt – but you have to live in your skin. Having that is so important – I know I struggle with it – and I hope you find it Juli! =)
Beautiful post. Sounds like you’re really making strides with yourself. Keep up the good work and keep being awesome.
And keep feeding me.
Juli, I appreciate your honesty here. I guess everyone feels like a giant turd some days. Be kind to yourself! We’re all rooting for you.
I’m really glad you wrote about this. It’s so important to share the good and the bad. I would say that this kind of post can be triggering to people who have had an eating disorder, so maybe consider putting up some sort of disclaimer at the beginning of the post. As far as the substance, I think that eating and exercise issues are about exerting control on your body. It certainly involves a lot of rules and requirements. Is it possible that when you switched to paleo and crossfit that you embraced those rules instead, which allowed you to feel comfortable while at the same time embrace eating and exercise in a different way? Now that you’re stepping outside those boundaries (eating less paleo friendly foods and exercising in a different way) that may be causing some mental discomfort. Maybe you’re dealing with that lack of routine by overeating and trying to physically feel uncomfortable (overfull) to ignore mental discomfort. I could be totally off base, but I figured I’d throw that out there.
I could not agree more with you!! You totally hit the nail on the head!
All I’ll say is this: you’re a total babe. Have a hug and think more highly of yourself.
Jesus will bring you more joy! I promise! Living life with Jesus you start to see your body as a temple of His. Your body is not yours. God made you like he wanted. I also had problems all throughout high school but when you find Jesus you don’t care as much. You treat your body like Jesus wants you to treat it. You eat for Him and workout for Him. Have a blessed day Julie. I hope this helps! His love is unlike any other.
Kelsey is right! It is too bad that there is so much out there about self help when sometimes you really need to just turn to Jesus for help! You were made beautiful and strong. You were made perfectly, just as you are. See yourself through the eyes of a creator who is in love with you! Through Paleo, Crossfit, and Jesus I have come to peace with my body. I am strong and fit and thick and love food! I am loved as I am, so are you!
This post made me tear up a little, mostly because it could have been written by me, word for word. I’ve been having an especially hard time recently with the body image-food-exercise love/hate triangle, even though I am healthier and more fit than I’ve ever been in my life. It’s unbearable sometimes, and you’re right, no one can help you but yourself. It’s so hard to hate yourself when you look in the mirror or god forbid, eat dessert. But it does help knowing that I’m not alone. Maybe those of us struggling need to vent every once in a while 🙂
Sometimes I feel like the healthier I eat, the more “fit” I become the less I like my body. It seems like there is always something to improve. I don’t think I”ll ever be “there”. But…what is “there’?
I’ve been cellulite free and ripped and it SUCKED. Bad. No energy, nothing.
So now I’m getting to the point where I’m like, just eating healthy food that makes me happy, helps my body function and try my darndest to avoid food that makes me moody or zitty.
And ya know what?! Realizing I’ll probably never be happy with my body makes me feel free to move on! Just get over myself already. Best of luck, love your blog. xoxo