I’m finally home. I really wasn’t gone for that long in California, but it was long enough for me. I don’t really like being away from my day-to-day schedule. I like eating my own food, I like sleeping in my own bed, I like working out when I want to, but when you’re traveling for work and visiting friends, it makes it much tougher.
If you hadn’t heard, I’m working on a project out in California at the moment, so I’ll be traveling there for a few months. It was a great trip and super productive, BUT I ate sooooo much food. Way more than I usually do. By the last day of my trip, food didn’t really even taste that good anymore. That’s when I know I’ve over done it. I NEVER get sick of food. I mean, I run a food blog for gosh sakes. So when food doesn’t taste good and in turn is actually making me depressed, I know I need a change of pace.
That’s actually something I’ve been struggling with lately. I grew up suffering from a ton of different body issues and eating disorders. And once I found CrossFit and paleo, most of those issues went away. But as my workouts change from multiple heavy CrossFit workouts per day to spinning and running and CrossFit all mixed into different days, my body changes along with it. In some ways, I like it. In other ways, I don’t. My body seems to be changing ALL THE TIME and never seems to find its comfort zone. It’s balance.
But is it my body, or is it just me that can’t find this balance?
I find myself struggling with these questions no matter what size I am. No matter what I look like, I’m incessantly looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Seriously, hating. That word that should never be expressed towards other people is how I feel about my own body. That’s f*cking whack. So does this mean I’m just searching for something different, something better, something that will never be because I expect something more? And is this a normal feeling for a human since we always want more? Or is it just me among my friends that is annoying enough to blab about it? I try to hold that stuff in because I know how upsetting it can be for other people to hear, but man does that sh*t build.
And it’s built enough. So I have to burst.
It’s almost like I want to feel bad for myself. Like I want to have something to complain about or be frustrated about. But why? Am I just still extremely immature? Or just young? Or insecure? Or is all of the above? I don’t really know. And no one can tell me those answers. No shrink, no friend, no boyfriend. Only myself.
Let me get to the point here. The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again. These are two of my favorite things that have brought more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. And I am the only person that can change my viewpoint on myself. I am the only person that can stare back at myself in the mirror and create a positive attitude for the person staring back.
That is all for today, folks. I will step down off my soapbox now.
Does it seem like I’m close to that time of the month right now? You’d think so, right? Wish I had that excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re like, my favorite. Whoever you are.
Juli! You are like the coolest person in the world to me. For real. You are so funny and witty and absolutely beautiful. I always read your posts because you remind me that just because you eat paleo doesn’t mean that you have to be a complete purist to get sweet results. Sometimes when I get upset I google (this is going to sound way pathetic) these super skinny celebs and I’m all like, “Why are they so pretty and I’m not?” and the truth of the matter is…why am I comparing myself to people that may not even be happy? What I SHOULD be doing is looking at pictures of me at my happiest and healthiest. Anyway, you’ve got it girl and you are absolutely awesome in my eyes.
This will not be helpful to you right now, but I’ll say it anyway: Yes, it’s because you’re young and yes it gets better. Logically, it makes no sense for a young, healthy, extremely fit, very attractive woman to feel her body is not acceptable. But about a jazillion women feel the exact same way. It doesn’t help that women’s bodies are constantly surveyed in pop culture. It causes women to look at themselves from the outside as if they aren’t even inside their own bodies. The only maybe sort of helpful advice I can provide is to try to experience the world from inside your body: feel how strong you are when you go up stairs, feel how much fun it is to dance like an idiot to your favourite pop song, feel how nice it is when someone you love touches you. Therapy sesh, out.
Brenda I really really like your advice; thank you!
Love this post!!
Great post…I think that dissatisfaction with one’s own body is not a huge problem inherently. But when we place a disproportionate amount of importance on it, that’s more of a problem and much more alarming. It’s one thing to be annoyed with thigh jiggle, quite another if it ruins your day and keeps you up at night.
Totally agree with this! Its okay to have things that you don’t like. Everyone does. Finding a way to place importance on other things about you, and finding the things you do like about yourself and driving the focus of your happiness towards them is key.
Firstly – it’s not just you, your age, maturity or any of the other reasonings.
I am 37 and have always hated the image I saw in the mirror.
In highschool I was a stick figure and 6′ tall… I was tall and lanky before tall and lanky was hot. I hated how I looked and always had people validating that. Boys wouldn’t literally say to me “If you gained weight and had boobs you’d be pretty”. Yeah – boys are dumb.
Througout my 20s I put on more weight and was btwn size 4-6… now 6’2″, I still hated how I looked.
Today – at 37 – I’m a size 12 and feel obese and see obese when I look in the mirror or at pics of myself. Am I obese? hell no. And when I see the pics of myself back then I wish I looked like that again. Why? I didn’t like it then – it makes no sense.
You want to know the irony – I look at pics of you and wish I looked that good!
Sadly this is life as a women… we need to change our perception and grow to love ourselves regardless. It’s time to train our brains and eyes to see the beauty that lies within all of us.
You, darling, are beautiful and an inspiration. Keep it up! Some of us out here are changing our lives for the better because of you and your blog.
…was that too mushy and personal? Ooops, I will blame that on “that time” for me 🙂
I could not have said this better and totally agree. Ditto this post!!!
I’m turning 30 this year and totally agree! I realize that’s not SO much older, but I feel like it’s grown up enough that I shouldn’t be feeling like a teenager with body image issues. That said, I don’t think it’s just a teenager thing. Thank you for being honest about this, because I think a lot of us think the same things. I always try to rein it in because I know people don’t like hearing it (especially from someone who’s on the smaller/healthier side).
The only thing that seems to help me is thinking about how I view my friends. Even girls who are bigger, less in shape, “too skinny”, etc., I think they’re absolutely gorgeous. So if I’m willing to appreciate all of their differences, shouldn’t I do the same for myself…? It’s a work in progress, but that’s what I’m going for.
The balance in life is the hardest thing to find. We are all struggling to achieve it… Be it work, home, family. I’ve been trying to find balance for the past 2 years… I’ve slowly come to the conclusion that: I can only do what I can do. Some days I love the way I look, some days I want to punch someone because I feel gross. I think the most beautiful thing about us is that we get to experience all of these whack feelings and then grow from them, scars and brokenness and all. When you stop reflecting is when the problem comes in. It’s completely internal, too, my husband can tell me I’m beautiful 8 million times and I’ll think he’s lying each time. My biggest breakthrough with body image was realizing that I NEVER think ugly thoughts about how others look. I think about how pretty her smile is, or how funny he is, or what great eyes they have and then I started to focus on that for myself. I’m f-ing hilarious- if that’s the only thing that people see or that I focus on- I’m good with that. The cellulite and stretch marks are pretty much non existent when the lights are dimmed anyways. Hoping you find some peace soon, sister, life is hard. Beer is good. People are crazy. 😉
This was both sad and comforting to read. I feel exactly the same way! Both food and exercise have destroyed me in the past. I am now at a much healthier place with both but still really struggle with body image issues and self hatin’. It’s so crazy! I see you as such a hot tough funny mega babe and it blows my mind that you struggle too. I totally get the low feelings and also know that you’ll use that humor, wit, and bad assery to recover. But hey, in the mean time I support you. You inadvertently support me all the time!
I can definitely relate to what you’re feeling (I’m sure most women can, unfortunately). After struggling with body image and disordered eating and control issues, I thought I had them beat…well HA, life just slapped me in the face recently. Anxiety towards food is something I have to deal with. I can’t ignore it, and I shouldn’t. But I know that deep down those anxiety and worries and discomforts surrounding my body, working out, and food are really about more than what’s on the surface. You’re totally right that no one but yourself can take these issues and deal with them head on, but don’t be afraid to ask for help or just talk it out! It’s great that you are being open and honest on your blog about it, because writing can be very therapeutic. Somedays, I accept the blahness, because I know that it is temporary and tomorrow will be better 😉
Please, please, please read this book….Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. I just started reading it and I’m only about a third of the way in but it’s blowing my mind and making me re-think how I view myself. I’m normally not a self-help-reading kind of person but it’s amazing.
I know the feeling. It’s hard stuff but I just always have to remind myself of where I was and where I am now. It’s been a total 180 flip and yes, I am still not where I’d like to be physically but if this is how I am, I’m going to try to embrace it and continue to work hard and accept whatever changes come. I don’t know how many times I’ve told people “I want to look like Juli from PaleOMG!” No lies. I think you’re awesome and doing awesome things. You’ve got a good thing going and it’s alright to struggle with different things now and then, whether it be food, workouts, family, friends, etc. If we didn’t have bumps in the road, we would be human. 🙂
*wouldn’t be human (not would ;))
There is some intense energy going on right now w/ the full moon and what not. I was having a meltdown earlier this week! just get yourself some fresh air, some exercise, eat some good food, get back to your routine and you’ll feel much better. promise 🙂 xoxoxo