I’m finally home. I really wasn’t gone for that long in California, but it was long enough for me. I don’t really like being away from my day-to-day schedule. I like eating my own food, I like sleeping in my own bed, I like working out when I want to, but when you’re traveling for work and visiting friends, it makes it much tougher.
If you hadn’t heard, I’m working on a project out in California at the moment, so I’ll be traveling there for a few months. It was a great trip and super productive, BUT I ate sooooo much food. Way more than I usually do. By the last day of my trip, food didn’t really even taste that good anymore. That’s when I know I’ve over done it. I NEVER get sick of food. I mean, I run a food blog for gosh sakes. So when food doesn’t taste good and in turn is actually making me depressed, I know I need a change of pace.
That’s actually something I’ve been struggling with lately. I grew up suffering from a ton of different body issues and eating disorders. And once I found CrossFit and paleo, most of those issues went away. But as my workouts change from multiple heavy CrossFit workouts per day to spinning and running and CrossFit all mixed into different days, my body changes along with it. In some ways, I like it. In other ways, I don’t. My body seems to be changing ALL THE TIME and never seems to find its comfort zone. It’s balance.
But is it my body, or is it just me that can’t find this balance?
I find myself struggling with these questions no matter what size I am. No matter what I look like, I’m incessantly looking in the mirror and hating what I see. Seriously, hating. That word that should never be expressed towards other people is how I feel about my own body. That’s f*cking whack. So does this mean I’m just searching for something different, something better, something that will never be because I expect something more? And is this a normal feeling for a human since we always want more? Or is it just me among my friends that is annoying enough to blab about it? I try to hold that stuff in because I know how upsetting it can be for other people to hear, but man does that sh*t build.
And it’s built enough. So I have to burst.
It’s almost like I want to feel bad for myself. Like I want to have something to complain about or be frustrated about. But why? Am I just still extremely immature? Or just young? Or insecure? Or is all of the above? I don’t really know. And no one can tell me those answers. No shrink, no friend, no boyfriend. Only myself.
Let me get to the point here. The one thing I do know is that I never want food or exercise to be the enemy. Both things have crossed enemy territory in my life, whatever the hell that means, and I will not let that happen again. These are two of my favorite things that have brought more joy into my life than I ever thought possible. And I am the only person that can change my viewpoint on myself. I am the only person that can stare back at myself in the mirror and create a positive attitude for the person staring back.
That is all for today, folks. I will step down off my soapbox now.
Does it seem like I’m close to that time of the month right now? You’d think so, right? Wish I had that excuse.
Thanks for listening. You’re like, my favorite. Whoever you are.
First, I know you didn’t write this post to fish for compliments. I read your blog all the time, so I am aware of the struggle that you have with your body image. I am so sorry that you go through this because I would kill for your body… when it’s extremely muscular, when your clothes aren’t fitting, when you lose too much weight, when your butt feels to big, all of it! You work very hard on your physique and it shows no matter what you eat. You are beautiful when you are super skinny and beautiful when you are a little bigger. I wish you could see that because I just feel so sad for you when you feel this way! Before I had my first baby, I went through a lot of this too. I’ve had some similar experiences with getting injured in CrossFit, etc. I hate cardio and lean more toward weights which make my thighs and arms pretty bulky, blah blah. Then, I had my little girl and it makes you look at yourself different. You start loving things about yourself because you want your daughter to love every piece of her perfect self. This does come from Jesus (yes, I’m jumping on the bandwagon). You are perfect in all of your forms. ALL of them. Love yourself Juli! We all do!
I’ve been there too! Stupid acne (mine’s on my back too…yum), body changing, body aching & getting old. When I’m having really intense self-hate days, I have a little mantra that I just repeat to myself over and over again until I feel better: “This body is not perfect, but it’s good enough for me.”