Thank god I go to acupuncture starting tomorrow. My stress levels are through the roof lately. The change of birth control has made me a legitimate nightmare. Then our internet went out this morning so I was forced to contact our internet provider and sit on a phone recording and press numbers to get to a human. Who barely spoke english, spoke quieter than a sloth, and who couldn’t find our account. How can you not find out account when I’m giving you the serial number for the router?! How is that f*cking possible? So I’m forced to a coffee shop down the street, in my pajamas (my eyebrows aren’t even filled in yet!!), because my entire life is provided to me via the internet. But the thing is, I have some ice cream to start churning. And beef to start sizzling. Because if you don’t have beef or ice cream, you might just say “eff this b*tch.” Probably not, but you know what I’m saying.
Actually, you probably don’t. Because you’re not hopped up on hormones that are destroying your brain. I think it’s time for a new child preventative option.
Since I’m forced to work at a coffee shop, I am now next to a guy who is yodeling. Yodeling, people.
I’m disappointed with ABC. Come on, bro. You’re towards the end of this season of The Bachelor and the best part of the entire show was the bloopers at the end. Women fighting off bugs was the best part. You’re slacking. The only slightly entertaining yet disappointing part of the entire show was the date working at McDonald’s…are you f*cking kidding me ABC? You’re the worst. Sure, I get it, they’re paying you good money as a sponsor of the show. But that was the best thing you could come up with to do with them? How about bringing that girls children there and letting them play while you both sip out of a milkshake at the same time. BOOM. That day is 100% better than sorting through ketchup packets at the drive through. Hire me as your psycho producer to come up with weird, yet relatable, dates. I only ask for 80 billion a year. Fair deal, if you ask me.
So last night, the fiancé and I met with our good friend Tommy to talk about our big day coming up in 2 months. Becauuuuse he is marrying us! He got his marriage license for this exact reason so we had to talk through the details. And since we have had to do absolutely nothing for our destination wedding, this sh*t seems complicated. Like who walks up when and when he says certain things and how he makes it funny yet sentimental and if church is highly involved or slightly left out. Ok, it’s really not that complicated. Especially when you use condiments to figure out the set up. You can see that on my snapchat. I was the salt. Either way, I’m so excited to see what he decides to say. And wear my wedding dress. And marry this poor man that has had to put up with my psycho self for the past month. I can never get pregnant. He’ll end up divorcing me when the hormones take over and I become this….
I’m just gonna go make these bars again. They make anything better.
- 1 batch caramel (Vanilla Bean Caramel from Juli Bauer's Paleo Cookbook or Raspberry Caramel) or Apple Cider Caramel
- 1 cup almonds
- 1 cup walnuts, chopped
- 1/2 cup pistachios
- 1/2 cup coconut flakes, chopped
- 1/2 cup cranberries
- 1 tablespoon chia seeds
- 1 cup chocolate chips, melted
- Make caramel. Let cool for a couple minutes.
- Line an 8x8 baking dish with parchment paper.
- Place almonds, walnuts, pistachios, coconut, cranberries and chia seeds in a bowl and toss. Pour ½ cup worth of caramel into the bowl with the nuts and toss with a spatula. Pour the nut caramel mixture into the lined dish and spread out until even throughout.
- Place in the freezer for 3+ hours. Remove from freezer and cut into bars or squares.
- Melt chocolate then dip each bar in the chocolate, using a spoon to press chocolate up on the sides of each bar. Place back on parchment paper and into the fridge for 10+ minutes.
- Serve immediately and store in the freezer. (these bars fall apart easily so don't leave them out too long)
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