Crispy Chicken Berry Salad with Strawberry Poppyseed Dressing

Here’s the thing about book tour, you spend A LOT of time in hotel rooms. Sometimes it’s awesome, sometimes it’s not so awesome. Let’s talk about some pros and cons:

You get to watch whatever you want on tv.

Pros – You get to catch up on trash tv like The Kardashians or Bachelor in Paradise or realllll sleazy stuff like reruns of the Jersey Shore. I effing love that show. And you can do it all while eating dessert in bed with black out curtains for a judgment free zone. It’s quite magical.

Cons – You get wrapped up in horror tv like Law & Order SVU or murder mysteries. The other night, I started watching crazy stories in the ER and saw a story of a man impaled through his bum-bum with a tree branch that went up through his body, near his heart. What.The.Fuuu. I watched them cut his side open and you could see the branch underneath his intestine. But I couldn’t look away. Ok, I’ll stop now. You’re totally unfollowing me now, aren’t you?

You get a whole hotel room to yourself.

Pros – Starfishing in your bed because no sharing is needed.

Cons – Sometimes hotel rooms can turn out pretty sketchy. Or smelly. I had one that was leaking highlighter yellow liquid from the air conditioner. And it smelled exactly how you’re probably imagining it to. After two nights, I asked for a different room and started explaining the smell. Before I could even finish my explanation, they gave me a new room. Why didn’t I ask that before all my clothes smelled like formaldehyde?

You have to eat at hotels when nothing else is around and you’re there for only 16 hours.

Pros – You can order what you think will be a fancy meal because it cost $36 for eggs and bacon and you’ll be excited that you’re so swanky and the bacon will probably taste like gold.

Cons – The food tastes like sh*t and you’ve maxed out your credit cards.

You can throw your clothes and toiletries and shoes wherever you want because you’re alone.

Pros – You can be as lazy as you want and no one sees it. F*ck it, I’m trying on every article of clothing I packed then leaving it on the floor because no one is here to see how disgusting I am.

You get bed bugs which turns into lice which turns into a deadly disease…and you die. Because you were lazy as f*ck.

When I was a child, I always thought adults who were moving through the airport at a sweating pace were living such exciting lives. Then I became an adult, moving at a sweating pace, worrying about connections, and eating heaps of airport food. There is no glamor in being an adult. Unless you’re a Kardashian and have someone to damp your sweating pits while you worry about if your lips look big enough for a photo shoot. Is that jealousy you hear coming from typing lips? Oh eff yes, I want a private plane and private sweat damper. I’m typing this as I sit waiting for my plane which will be late and I will therefore miss my connecting flight. I’m bitter, hella bitter.

Now go make this dressing. It’s damn delicious.

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