I know, I know. This isn’t actually a “recipe” per se, but it is exactly what I am eating on a regular basis right now while I finish up my latest cookbook. It’s not that I’m lazy…I mean I have been known to not wash my hair for an unknown number of days because the thought of standing in front of the mirror for 15 minutes to finally dry my hair just so I can stand longer and style it (breathe) is daunting. But when it comes to recipes, I try not to be that lazy. Because you’re here, reading this blog, maybe making a recipe, so I don’t want it to suck and you hate me and therefore blast me on Amazon. That’s the worst. Anywho, while I make as many delicious recipes as possible for my book, you guys will be getting some stupid simple recipes while I make sure the book is perfect! Can you hold out two weeks for me? Kthanksyourethebest.

I just ran out of coconut oil potato chips and I am SO MAD about it. Don’t fill the bag halfway, you bastard distributors.

Yet another thing I am obsessed with eating, other than coconut oil potato chips, is dried figs. I had to ban them years ago because I had become addicted. And if you didn’t know this already, dried fruit is packed with A LOT of sugar. Don’t go tricking yourself thinking that you can eat as many dried mango plates (they are seriously the size of plates) as you want since you cut the candy bars out. You may have gotten rid of chemical-killing substances from the candy bars, but sugar is bad. Have you read the 21 Day Sugar Detox? It’s real bad. Anywho, I had to let them go for about 2 years. But I’m ready to flirt with them again. Just a tad. I just can’t go crazy addict style on them.

Speaking of crazy, the other day I had a girl comment “Ugh. Foul.” on one of my food pics the other day. It was surf and turf picture. Quite appetizing, actually. So I decided to do some instagram creep-tastic stalking to better understand why my food would be considered foul. Boom, vegan. First off, I do not give a f*ck if you are vegan. Or vegetarian or pescatarian or flower-only eater or dessert-only eater or meat-only eater (I don’t know the term for those lifestyles). I just don’t care. What you put in your mouth doesn’t change my day to day life in the slightest. And never do I tell a vegan to slather some meat on their meal. Because I do not care. I share my pictures in hopes of inspiring others on their next meal. During my creep-tastic stalk sesh, I found lots of bra and underwear pictures of hers. I did not comment on her bra and underwear pictures saying “Ugh. Foul” because her naked body doesn’t change my life. You know what does change my life? Dried figs. I effing love those things.

Cucumber Smoked Salmon Roll Ups

Print Recipe

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5 from 9 reviews

Yield: 1 1x

Ingredients

Scale

1 cucumber, thinly sliced
1-2 tablespoons homemade mayo (or use Primal Kitchen)
2-4 ounces smoked salmon

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Instructions

Thinly slice a cucumber, lengthwise, using a mandolin.
Spread on some mayo.
Layer on some smoked salmon.
Curl up cucumber and press a toothpick through it.
Eat.

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