Garlic Pork and Rice

I was in legit b*tch mode last week. I don’t know what the sh*t my problem was (no, it wasn’t that time of the month asshole) but I was not fun to be around. Ask Jake or Jason. Every day I would walk into the gym, I would right away be a burden to these guys. Especially since I cried through 2 of my workouts last week. Two. No, not like cried a little then sucked it up and went on with it, I cried throughout the ENTIRE workout. Crying while running blows monkey balls. It’s kind of hard to breath in Colorado already, so add crying to the equation, and sh*t gets real. The workouts weren’t even crazy hard. I was just sad and mad and upset and pissed…all at the same time. I get sad that my spandex shorts don’t fit like they used to, then I get mad that I didn’t PR on my lift, then I get upset that my waist doesn’t look smaller in my shadow while I’m running outside, then I get pissed that I just fell over while doing a pistol. Yes, that all happened during ONE workout. Yes, I’m dramatic. And yes, I felt like an idiot.

But I’m better this week. I’m ready to take on the world…whatever the hell that means. I drank a protein shake with coconut water the other day and officially felt 100% better about everything in life. Have you tried that? Do it. Do it now. Then comment on this post about how I’m seriously a genius and should be given free coconut water everyday by some company. Any kind will do. Other than the kind that’s mango…or pomegranate….or peach. All those taste like ass.  And have weird added sugar to them. But coconut has become my go-to when I need something other than water. Kinda like when I used to drink energy drinks in college. I can’t believe I used to consume that straight up poison. I blame accounting class.

Oh I almost forgot to tell you, my face is pretty much done peeling. I guess I shed enough skin. Kinda like a snake. That’s effing gross dude. I guess it helped out my face a bit. It was mostly to get rid of scars and bring new light to new skin, but in the back of my mind I was definitely hoping my acne would suddenly clear up. I know, unrealistic expectations, but let me have them. They keep me positive. Like thinking eating mass quantities of chocolate covered walnuts won’t hurt my stomach. Am I high? Maybe.

So this recipe kinda made me think of pork, rice, and beans. I’ve told you about the restaurant D’Corazon in Downtown Denver before, and how their carnitas are to.die.for. And whenever I go there, I always end up eating the refried beans. I don’t really care about the rice, but the refried beans call my name. Beans + lard = F*ck yeah. Well, there isn’t really a paleo substitute for refried beans is there? So I made a carnitas-like dish with rice as the side. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. All you care about is if it tastes good. Well, it does. Like REAL good.

I just sneezed 6 times. Yes, six. F*ckin’ allergies.


Garlic Pork and Rice

  • Yield: 6-8 1x


  • 2lb pork rump roast, excess fat removed
  • 6 garlic cloves, peeled
  • 2 head of cauliflower, stem and leaves removed, roughly chopped
  • 1 cup chicken broth
  • 1 teaspoon ground cumin
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/2 teaspoon pepper


  1. Pull out your handy dandy crockpot AND food processor. If you still don’t have these items, rethink your life. Invest. Period.
  2. Use the shredding attachment on your food processor and run both heads of cauliflower through the food processor to rice it.
  3. Throw all your riced cauliflower in the crockpot along with your chicken broth.
  4. Add cumin and salt and pepper to your rice along with 3 garlic cloves.
  5. Now use a sharp knife to make 3 one inch cuts in the pork roast and push each clove into the roast cuts.
  6. Place roast on top of the cauliflower.
  7. Cover and cook on low for 8-10 hours.
  8. Shred pork and mix with cauliflower rice! BOOM.

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PaleOMG Garlic Pork Rice
pork be crockin
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Oh, Hi! I’m Juli.

I’m a food hoarder. And a really bad dancer. If you don’t know me well, you will probably not understand my humor. Therefore, I apologize ahead of time. Thanks for listening to my ramblings of my ever-changing life and trusting my kitchen mishaps. Your trust in me is appreciated.


63 thoughts on “Garlic Pork and Rice”

  1. The Progenex guys at the Turkey Challenge introduced me to coconut water and protein and I can vouch that it’s a legit combo. However, for the sake of JuliB getting some free coconut water I will disregard my first introduction and claim Juli’s genius mind for coming up with such a delicious concoction!

  2. hey there ( I’m from Germany btw. yaa ze germans love meat)

    I can totally relate to you. I cried like a baby for 2 days in a row for no reason. well, my life kinda sucks sometimes but hey, I usually have food to cheer me up. It’s the highlight of my day actually.
    anyways, wanted to say that I love your blog. I don’t do crossfit, I’m an MMA fighter and because of YOU awesome darling girl, I started to do some crossfit workouts few times a week. It really helps me kick ass at what I do!
    So…well, I guess, thank you for cooking delicious food and being the knight in shining armor that lead me to crossfit!

    cheers from berlin!

    1. this is AWESOME Anna!!! never did I EVER think I would be someone who inspired another to CrossFit, especially someone I don’t even know. thank you so sooo much for sharing. I hope that my recipes keep helping you out in the kitchen and CrossFit helps you kick ass in the gym!! keep being awesome Anna!!

  3. This looks awesome!! My daughter is battling blood sugar problems and rice is major trigger food for her. The cauliflower rice would be a great substitute! I can’t wait to try this out.


  4. anytime you want/need to vent…you can email me or msg me girl…i get the same way! i totally understand and even tho i know we are somewhat strangers, i can be a good ear if you want someone unbiased or if the guys at your box just arent having it! keep your chin up, your body still rocks and i’m sure your skin has come a long way and will continue to get better w/ the more peels you do! :0)

  5. Mindf***ing yourself is so “in” right now, apparently. On a daily basis, these thoughts run through my head — “I wish I could gain some weight and be a total bada** mofo.” Two seconds later — “Good Lord, I’m such a fatty.” It’s one of the many benefits of being a woman.

    Dude, I fell doing a pistol last week too. As my hubs would say, I looked like “a monkey trying to hump a football.” So, that’s good, right? No? Damn.

  6. I think you could have used a cuddle last week. Just saying. Hope you get one. Hope you get to feeling better. Oh yeah, also, I think you’re funny.

  7. This recipe looks so good, along with all the others! I came across your site just a couple of days ago from the Again Faster fb page. I started reading and thought “OMG this girl is effing awesome.” I needed some new recipes for our Paleo challenge that we are doing at our box here in MA. They all look so yummy! I am going to make one of them tomorrow.
    Anyway, I have been doing CrossFit for 5 months now and love it. I’m not totally badass yet, still losing the weight first, which has been awesome (and I’ve been trying for the past 5 yrs since my first son was born). But one day I will reveal my muscles.
    Just wanted to say that I love you site and look forward to your posts, and your sense of humor!

  8. There’s that moment in Garden State when Natalie Portman does the “one completely original thing that no one else in the entire universe has ever done before.” That moment for me was thinking that I had the patent on shakin’ up my protein shake with Coconut Water instead of that shizz from the tap.

    Come to find out, you are my coconut water mixing doppleganger from Denver.

    You’d. Better. Work. <3

  9. More than half the women in my box can’t even do a pistol if that’s any consolation. And everyone falls doing them every once and a while. I love your blog because you tell it as it is. Everyone has struggles, everyone has bad days and everyone has good days. Your ability to say this week I am better and ready to conquer the world is a testament to your character and how much of a strong badass woman you are – NOT that you cried. Everyone does. Denying it makes you weak.

    Also did I mention I love your blog? Also I Make coco water smoothies ALL the time. My reason for living. Any zico, amy and brian or ONE coconut water people out there? if so JB is freakin awesome and needs some coco water delivered to her doorstep!!!

    PS i like your carpet

    1. oooo I LOVE Amy and Brian’s coconut water with pulp.*t.ever. still haven’t tried it with smoothies…that sounds AMAZING!! Thanks for being so incredibly kind and damn awesome! thanks for liking my carpet 🙂

  10. Holy $h&*tballs I’m no longer the only person on the planet who’s cried during a workout!! Yeah, that’s not embarrassing at all when it happens. But I gotta be honest, misery (and humiliation?) loves company, and it makes me feel better to know there are other people with that specific brand of neuroses. Love your blog, keep it up!

  11. If it makes you feel any better…I can’t do a pistol yet and my thighs are four times bigger than yours…that, in my mind, means I should be squatting those mother effers out like nothing. Oh well, at least we have something to improve on right, otherwise you’d be perfect and then where would you be!?!? 😉

    Nice carpet JB.

    Oh, and we need to do dinner, like ASAP!

  12. JB, last year my husband’s dermatologist prescribed a cream that he would produce a chemical peel after 10 days of application. By day 7 or 8 he looked so bad and was in such pain I handed him a jar of coconut oil and told him to start applying it topically. Within two days the sores and the angry red color had disappeared and he continued to improve over the next couple of days. I had been taking photos of him as the peel progressed, but the difference before and after the coconut oil was amazing.

    Love your blog.

  13. Coconut water rules, tried protein powder + coconut water about 2 weeks ago.
    Dunno if that means i invented but its good
    Throw in a spoonful of cacao powder & you’re really onto a good thing

  14. Um, I think we may have been separated at birth. I LOVE ur blog and it is just what I was looking for to inspire me to cook more paleo (which I find to be a big fat pain in the ass most of the time. Dont even ask about the paleo birthday cake i made for my husband last year. Not. Good.) and to motivate me in CF. Found u off of the CFLakewood site, which is my gym now. I am a total newbie and keep thinking I’m going to puke or cry every. single. time. that I walk into the place. Everyone there is completely supportive and the coaches rock but I can’t help getting freaked out. Reading your blog has made me feel like I can totally do this even with the OOC crying. So thanx for being so honest it means more than u know to your readers. And PLEASE keep swearing every freakin other word because it is too much fun to read. ps… U had me at “food hoarder”

    1. Glad you like my blog La!! CFL has absolutely amazing coaches, I have some really good friends there! And don’t worry, everyone is feeling THE EXACT same way that you are when they walk into the gym, it’s always frightening, no matter how experienced the CrossFitter. Keep kicking butts at CFL and hopefully I can help you make a much better paleo cake for your husband this year 🙂

    1. My favorite is Amy and Brians Coconut Juice with pulp, i just think it tastes the best but there is vitacoco, zico, and a ton of other ones out there. just stay away from the ones with added sugars and flavorings in them!

  15. Cauliflower rice is legit. Just to live on the edge, I threw some diced up bell pepper, jalapeno, onion, and sweet potato into the crockpot with the cauliflower and the pork. I know…I’m crazy…


  16. Hey Juli! Just made this dish and it’s fabulous! I have been in a rut, thinking no paleo food tastes good! This pulled me out for sure! The cauliflower is sooo good! Also, I squeezed some fresh lime juice in at the very end after I shredded the pork and put it back in the pot…sooo yummy!!

    Thanks, again, for allowing me to taste something yummy again!

    1. that is freaking awesome Mianna!! Glad you liked it! I don’t post anything I don’t think is delicious…I have REALLY good taste obviously 😉

  17. Thanks for the awesome recipe Juli. Made it this weekend and have had it for 4 of last 12 meals. Mixing in some kimchi and guac turns it into a Korean burrito bowl. mmmmmmmmmmmm

    1. Yummmmm! Genius!! My ex is half korean and his mom used to make kimchi all the time, I LOVED it!! Loved going to Korean restaurants even more. I need to get some Korean food asap now!

  18. Made this again, and as I am wont to do, I started making changes to your recipe and it came out MORE awesome! Doubled the pork for more leftovers, added a big shake or two of Emeril’s Essence to the cauliflower before putting the pork across the top as well as adding up a couple of nice diced onions and jalepeno’s. The extra pork butt dripped more fat down into the cauliflower and simmered down into this amazing cauliflower soup like mixture! When i got home from the box I was starving as usual and stood at the crockpot with a spoon just eating that!

  19. Hi! I love your blog. You are an amazing writer and soo funny! I’ve love your recipes too. I made the garlic pork and rice tonight. The pork came out perfect but the rice looked nothing like yours. It was a bit mushy. Any ideas on what I could do so that it won’t turn out so mushy? I’m think I shredded the florets too fine? What do you think?

    1. Hey Michelle!! Thanks so much for checking out my blog! Well, I’m guessing out cauliflower was different sized, so try using less broth because you most likely have too much or not enough cauliflower and it’s more moisture than the cauliflower can hold. Try that out!

  20. Okay, so this is totally AWESOME!!! Hubby says, “Holy frickin’ sh*t, this is GOOD!!!” Munchkin (he’s two) says, “Yummilicious!!!” and cleaned his plate!! Definitely a winner and going to share it with the paleo and non-paleo fam. Thanks for the awesomeness!!

  21. 1) I am a chronic gym-crier. Usually related to pistols and ring dips and pushups. Shit is hard, and I get mad. Holy hell I hate ring dips.

    2) I suck at life and STILL haven’t tried cauliflower rice. Why? Because I don’t have a food processor. Why? Because I’m too lazy to detour down an extra aisle at costco and put one in my cart. Weak.

    3) This recipe just might motivate me to get one. It looks amazing.

    4) I, too, thought coconut water and protein powder was my own genius invention. Makes me feel like a new person. Even helps me stop crying.

    5) Most importantly, I love love love your blog. Have tried a few recipes, and they’re all great. And hilarious. Keep kicking ass.

  22. i made this last night and it was delicious! I did feel that there was a lot of liquid at the bottom, like I had to use a slotted spoon to spoon out the riced cauliflower! i think all of the liquid/fat/yummy juiciness gave me reflux. this was my first paleo recipe, by the way! I’m a newbie trying to make changes! thanks!

  23. I totally did not expect this to turn out so fragrant and good. Lesson learnt: never judge a food by its colour.
    Anyway, mine turned out to by “Garlic Pork Porridge”, perhaps less liquid next time I reckon.

  24. So I was looking through your recipes (which are making me very hungry btw…) and I saw that we don’t only have the same crockpot, but I think we have the same rug from this pic? (IKEA?). I think these are signs that I should make one of your recipes tonight 😉

  25. I can’t eat cauliflower but I’m okay with brown rice. How could I convert this recipe using brown rice. How much and should I cook it first or use a brown minute rice or just regular old uncooked brown rice? Thanks!

  26. Julie i have adult acne too. What are you doing because i think your face looks great! Ps. Im making this recipe this week

  27. Juli! I got to know, what type of food processor do you have, becasue mine sucks! I think life would be faster, cleaner, and less annoying if I had an awesome one.

  28. This was the first of your amazing recipes that I jave tried and it was legitimately amazeballs! Can’t wait to try more!

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