Back at the start of 2019, I decided that I wanted to stop wasting my time with feeling insecure and less than. In 2018 I found myself scrolling on instagram, feeling like I didn’t have enough or wasn’t enough, and I began placing blame on others. It’s a pretty common cycle. We do it all the time as humans. We see something that someone else has, it makes us feel inferior, so we try to make ourselves feel better by saying something negative or telling ourselves we could never have that. Then the rabbit hole of despair begins. It’s a real bitch.
So at the beginning of January 2019, I vowed to make a change. I wrote down the five steps that had helped me move past some of those insecurities to become happier and healthier. And I hoped that those words would help you do the same. Since we are already half way through the year, I thought it would be a good time to reflect on how these steps have helped me improve myself, and what other steps I’m taking to move past a few lurking insecurities that still pop up. I’m going to lightly gloss over the 5 steps I shared in my January post, but if you want to read them more in depth, click here.
Step 1 – Compliment yourself.
- This was in my first post and it’s still my #1 technique to improve self confidence. It’s amazing what you can talk your brain into believing. Which means if you constantly tell yourself that you suck, you aren’t good looking, you’re not smart enough, or you don’t belong – your brain will believe it. But if you turn this around and start telling your brain the complete opposite of what you think in that moment, it will begin to believe that, as well!
- Example – When I look in the mirror and I see that I have gained weight (which happens almost every week depending on my eating habits), I’ll quickly jump in my brain and tell myself that I’m pathetic for not sticking to my clean eating habits and that I look disgusting. I’m pretty mean. But nowadays I’ll actually cut myself off mid thought and I’ll tell myself (even out loud sometimes) that I’m so proud of myself, my progress, and the hard work I’ve put in over the years. Then I walk away and get to work. Life is too busy for self depreciation.
Step 2 – Acceptance.
- This is a new step that I’ve been working HARD at. Because it’s definitely a fine line kind of step. I’m trying to work on accepting things that I may not love about myself, while still working hard on them in the meantime. But accepting things I don’t have much control over has really given me freedom in the moment.
- Example – Cellulite. These little dimples have had control over me ever since I got my period at 12 and womanhood showed me that cellulite would now be a part of my life forever. I’ve always felt like people wouldn’t see me as a true athlete or a good coach/trainer because I had cellulite. I still even feel like people won’t want to follow me on social media for inspiration because why would they ever be inspired by someone who has so much cellulite. These are the thoughts that go through my head every single week, especially during the summer when swimsuits and shorts come out.
- I wouldn’t say this is a step I have mastered yet, but I’ve gotten much better at it in 2019. I used to look in the mirror and feel so defeated by it, but I’ve been able to push through those negative thoughts and move on with my day. This means more freedom in life. Like enjoying a stunning beach in the Bahamas. My SIL snapped this photo below while traveling a few weeks ago and I almost immediately erased it. But to me, that’s just enhancing the problem. So here the photo is. I still see cellulite, but I also see a woman who isn’t covering up, staying in, and missing out on life’s adventures because of her insecurities. And that’s a pretty freeing feeling.
Step 3 – Looking in the Mirror.
- This step is actually different than what you may think it is. In my previous post, I talked about unfollowing accounts that made you feel insecure. But sometimes I feel like that may just be masking the issue at hand. Instead of just ignoring those feelings, it can sometimes be beneficial to look those insecurities in the face – aka your mirror.
- Example – I have unfollowed a few accounts of some women out there that make me feel inferior. I look at their page and I see the perfect life, the perfect body, no cellulite, etc. etc. At the time, unfollowing them was the best thing for me. But as I’ve moved past some of my own insecurities, I’m able to look in the mirror instead of at that person. Before I would look at that person and feel less than, but now I’m able to look at these women and say, “Fuck yeah, you’re crushing it. Good for you, girl!”
- If someone online is making you feel insecure just by living their life, it may be a good time to take a step back, look in the mirror, and understand why YOU are feeling that way. And it often has to do with what you need to work on with yourself.
Step 4 – Stay in your lane.
- This definitely plays in to step 4. It’s so easy for us to judge, especially when we have feelings of insecurity, but if you can put your head down, put in the work, and concentrate on yourself – those judgmental thoughts will quickly dissipate because you won’t have time for them. You’ll be concentrating too much on yourself, your business, your family, your empire, and even your legacy.
- Example – When I begin to find myself thinking a negative thought about someone else, I reflect once again on myself, and remind myself – good for them, not for me. It’s definitely not something I’ve mastered yet, but I’m getting better at it.
- Real life example – In a podcast a while back, I talked sh*t about someone I didn’t really even know. Well luckily some people told on me and I had to take responsibility for my negativity. I took the guy out to lunch to apologize and then I reflected on why I even had those feelings in the first place. I couldn’t quite nail down why I was feeling negative about this stranger, but I was able to remind myself to stay in my lane. Wasting negative thoughts and feelings on a stranger just leads to more negativity in my own life and less productivity. Stay in your lane, girl.
Step 5 – Be happy for others.
- This step is simple, but it’s huge. If we can learn to be happy for others, especially when their happiness is something we would like to have ourselves OR their happiness is something we don’t understand, we will open up the possibility for happiness within our own lives.
- I have about a million examples for this one, so it’s hard to choose which one to write down. One that pops in my head currently is seeing people’s giant homes on instagram. Before I would quickly wonder how everyone affords these homes then think about how they must be house poor. Why? Because it made me feel better about my own small home. That’s stupid.
- Real life example – Just last night while scrolling through instagram, I saw a woman who just bought this stunning home. Right away I thought about how she could afford it. Then I stopped myself and said, “Good for her. That place is stunning.” I felt genuine happiness for a person who is going through a happy time in their own life. And that feeling was incredibly freeing.
For some, confidence comes easy. But for most, it takes work. Daily work. It takes reflecting on yourself, working on yourself, and moving past negative thoughts that you feel about yourself AND others. If you’re feeling insecure or unhappy, just know that there is freedom from that. It just takes work. But you got this! Take a look at some of these steps and start with one. As you get better and better at that one step, then you can move on to the next! Remember, these are steps that have worked for me. But if you need a little extra help and guidance, finding a professional such as a therapist can be incredibly beneficial. Find what works for you and get after! A happy life is a way more fun life to live.