Chocolate Coconut Bark

I heard some funny sh*t the other day. Well, I do every day. I hang out with hilarious men regularly so I’m often holding my crotch in an attempt to not piss myself. But our convo the other day was extra special. We were talking about hot girls, which is a usual topic of conversation, and how b*tches be thinking they’re too big. We have this issue in our little CrossFit community of ours. Women are afraid of getting too big. Too bulky. Big traps. Blah blah blah. Ok it’s time to get something straight ladies:

  1. You are not going to get bulky. Lifting weights does not make you bulky. This makes you strong. Strong does not mean bulky. You know what makes you bulky? Cinnamon rolls. Yep, I would know.
  2. Muscles are sexy. They just are. Why do you think we all are slightly in love with Jessica Biel and/or Cameron Diaz? Because they have muscles. Duh.
  3. Having traps does not make you look manly. It give your shirt something to rest on. No traps = sinking shoulder dents from your bra straps. That’s gross. Do you want to be gross? Of course you don’t.
  4. Lifting weights makes you physically able, therefore, more attractive. Good dudes like girls that can hold their own. A girl who can pick sh*t up on her own and lift heavy sh*t over her head is wicked cool…a dude who isn’t into that is a douche bag and a p*ssy. You shouldn’t be into that kind of guy, ladies. Just trust me.
  5. And this is how a dude sees a woman who talks about not wanting to get bigger…in the words of my guy friend, whiny voice included, “I just want my arms to look skinny fat. I want my arms to look extra flaccid in my dress.”

After hearing that, I almost peed myself then was quite happy to know that I was around men who have high standards in their women. And want a woman that is strong. Has traps. And can hold her own. I love my guy friends.

Sorry I had to go on a rant. I’m sick of hearing that from girls. Especially when I’m bigger than all of them. My ass could literally swallow them up. But that’s because I want to make it to the Games. So my ass better be bigger than theirs. And has an appetite. Ladies, be strong. Be confident. Show the world what you are made of!

Now enough about women. Let’s eat. Chocolate that is. Oh, and if you’re going to let me know that Enjoy Life isn’t paleo and is filled with sugar, believe me, I know. I do not care. Kthanxbye.


Chocolate Coconut Bark

  • Yield: 8+ 1x




  1. Pull out a 8×8 glass baking dish.
  2. Add your chocolate chips to dish and throw in the microwave for about 1:00, being sure to mix the chocolate chips if needed to be sure they do not burn. If you are a microwave nazi, use a double boiler to melt your chocolate. It’s your chocolate and your world. Do it up.
  3. Once chocolate is fully melted, add your coconut butter and shredded coconut and thoroughly mix.
  4. Use a spoon to spread mixture out evenly in your baking dish.
  5. Top everything off with a sprinkle of salt on top.
  6. Put in the freezer for around 45 minutes or more, the use your hands or a knife to chop your bark into pieces.
  7. Consume!

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PaleOMG Chocolate Coconut Bark


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Oh, Hi! I’m Juli.

I’m a food hoarder. And a really bad dancer. If you don’t know me well, you will probably not understand my humor. Therefore, I apologize ahead of time. Thanks for listening to my ramblings of my ever-changing life and trusting my kitchen mishaps. Your trust in me is appreciated.


78 thoughts on “Chocolate Coconut Bark”

  1. SWEET JESUS. This looks amazing.
    P.S. Your posts are flippin’ hilarious. I love it. And, I WAS one of those girls that worried about getting too big. Little did I know, I’d shrink when I did crossfit. Imagine that. I love being strong!! Thanks for all your kicka$$ recipes.

  2. You rock- from a scrappy girl like myself who has always worked her butt off to get the muscles and then hear from women- “oh you’re so skinny- I wish I could have hips like that”, I love this perspective. It always pisses me off when guys want to do stuff for me because I’m small (its important to be able to kick a*s and take names…but then again I’m single too…:D kicked too many butts I guess?)

    This looks awesome, I don’t do sugar, but I can totally appreciate the gratuitous chocolate drool shot.

    1. Don’t do sugar Meredith?! My chocolate rants must annoy you lol. Thanks so much for reading my blog post even with the lack of sugar in your life!

  3. OMG you never fail to crack my shit up!!! Reading this, lying in bed before I got up to pee = not a good idea. Almost had “an accident.” We also hear this at our Box. One of the ladies that I LOVE in our group (we have a weekday workout that is almost alway only women – it rocks), a couple months ago, was pointing to the side of her arm and said “What are these divets from??” I almost peed myself then also but instead responded, “Um, you mean the MUSCLES??” Then got out trainer’s attention (who brings new meaning to chick with guns) and we had a fabulous laugh about it – and my friend now knows they are muscles and they are hawt! 😉

    Oh and the recipe looks yum 😛

  4. haha! great post!! Hearing “… but I don’t want to bulk up…” drives me nuts!!

    First time on your blog. Wicked looking recipes and love the humour. I’ll be back! thanks:)

  5. So excited to see this recipe and to read that some men have standards!! Here is another recipe for paleo “candy bars” just in case you ever need to switch it up!!

    Paleo Candy Bars

    3 to 4 tbsp. coconut oil
    1/4 cup carob powder or cocoa
    1/2 cup ground nuts
    3/4 cup dried shredded coconut
    1 tbsp. (or more) of honey
    Step 1) Melt the honey and oil in saucepan on stove
    Step 2) Add carob/cocoa & nuts & coconut
    Step 3) Form into a square by dumping into a small baking sheet and refrigerate or freeze until hard
    Step 4) Cut and eat!

    I make a double batch most of the time but that often leads to me consuming waaaay more than I need!!

  6. I stumbled across your blog on some random follow-a-bunch-of-interesting-sounding-links session and I’m sooo glad I did. You’re hilarious. And so right. I wonder if this attitude will ever change. Who knows!

    And this recipe looks real good.Is the coconut cream concentrate similar to coconut butter? Or am I totally off on that?

  7. Mmmmm, more chocolate! After getting my ass handed to me this weekend at the WODfest by Jake and Jason, I actually feel a little better about it now knowing that we have the same taste in women. “flaccid, skinny fat arms” may be my new favorite descriptive term. Good stuff!

    1. Lol i knew you would appreciate their comments Damon. And you didn’t get your ass handed to you. You kicked ass and looked good doing it!

  8. Omg thank you for this! I’ve been dealing with family members who don’t understand crossfit and keep telling me I’m going “hulk out” and become super masculine. So happy I can point them to your hysterical but so-true post 🙂

    Btw I’m totally loving your blog — I spent an entire afternoon at work reading through the archives and chuckling uncontrollably in my cubicle. (Made my coworkers nearly as uncomfortable as the time they caught me inhaling almond butter straight from the jar.)

  9. Thanks for making me laugh my really loud goose honk laugh at my desk this morning as I read this. It’s ok, my co workers already think I’m nuts. 🙂
    I love watching the girls doing the 427th rep with a 3 lb. dumbbell as I deadlift. They also watch me, in horror. (No crossfit box here, I am subjected to the freakshow aka commercial gym. Thank goodness I have an awesome trainer that is cf certified and puts me thru relentless WOD’s, much to the confusion of other patrons.)
    I’m gonna try this bark tonight with some homemade coconut butter, do you think that will work ok?

  10. Could not agree more! Having a crossfit/muscle-y body makes a girl feel empowered. I propose we just eat the skinny girls, it wouldn’t be that hard…

    1. HAHA Sarah. I love it. That sh*t was good. I think we all contributed to finishing this in 1 night. I also almost broke a knife trying to eat it when it was still frozen….my bad.

    1. I don’t think that would work Emily, but you could use coconut butter. Just make your own!! I have a post on my blog to how to make your own. Just type coconut butter in the search bar! 4th page!

  11. Oh, how I laugh every time a woman asks me for training advice but then follows up with “But I don’t want to get too big and bulky!” I want to say, “How ’bout you just start, and when you get too lean and muscular you just stop?” Come on, ladeez! Physiologically, it ain’t gonna happen. I’m a mesomorph girl, and even I can’t make myself “too bulky” no matter how much I lift.

    Skinny fat makes me queasy.

    Also, I’m going to find myself some coconut cream concentrate this very day so I can surprise my family with chocolate coconut bark tonight. I love your recipes and your stream-of-consciousness writing.

  12. I agree, muscles are hot, and about Jessica Biel and Cameron! I hate skinny FAT! This looks amazing! Now I have to order some Coconut Butter! Geez, how long will that take to get to me so I can make this! I will just have to make my Tomato Cream Chicken Saugage Pasta and hope the butter comes quickly!! Thanks for another great recipe JB!

      1. Uhhh, it is REDONKULOUS! How did you not eat the entire pan while breaking it up? I had to put what didn’t get shoved in my face in the freezer. Maybe frozen bark will slow me down a bit. Great recipe, totally worth the wait! JB you ROCK!

  13. Damn you Juli Bauer for posting all this amazingness of chocolate during a paleo challenge! You better believe that marks of those little morsels of heaven brownies and this bark will be all over my face come February 12th.

    So glad girl muscles are in

  14. This post was fucking hysterical! Glad to be amongst people who won’t look at me like I’m a freak for saying women with muscles are sexy. Now if I could just convince my wife that I’m not insane for thinking so she might actually join me for some Crossfit.

  15. I added chili flakes because to the recipe because I’m a speshel snowflake. It was too freaking good.
    i finally am able to squat and bench pressing my bodyweight.
    I might not be able to find a pair of jeans that can fit because my waist is like 2 sizes smaller than my thighs and ass but I don’t care because am queen of the mesomorphs and if I ever had to save myself from a burning building I could do it!!!

    1. You know what we Crossfit chicks need? We need a fashion designer. That way when ours waists are size X and our butts and thighs are size Z, we actually can have jeans that still look HOT AMAZING on us, since we spend quality time to get to looking this hot anyway.

  16. Ok quick question. Where and how much coconut butter? Seems the recipe is missing that part. I have everything to make it i just wanna get it right

    1. There is a link on the recipe and onto the side bar of the page under ‘products i love’ for coconut cream concentrate which is the same as coconut butter. OR you can make your own!!

      1. Thanks. I actually read that after i posted, Ive had this up for a few days and never refreshed it so i didnt see all the comments

  17. I am eating this right now. I think I died and went to heaven. My love handles will tell me otherwise tomorrow :). SO amazing!

  18. I love my traps. I recently got a PT job at a normal gym and hey gave me a T-Shirt to wear, ughhh, I asked for a singlet so I could show my hard earned traps off,
    Where else but a CrossFit box can you talk about and be proud of your big arse, just fantastic
    Keep up the great work

  19. my husband just made this yesterday. OMG! Plus I have another friend who’s gonna make this. Love, love, love your blogs & rants. My husband loves to cook so he also did the Meatballs/ w mango sauce & the stuffed sweet potatoes for Super Bowl. I especially love the stuffed sweet potatoes. Keep them comig!!!

  20. Dude. I’m bedridden (sorta) with a wrecked back from a car accident. Your blog is making me LOL way too much. Almost had a few accidents.

    Juli, you are bad for me. That is all!!!

  21. Holy freakin cow this is DELICIOUS! Thank you, thank you for your amazing recipes. My boyfriend and I have gone Paleo for about a month now and we love it! Thanks for making Paleo an awesome experience!

  22. I am on Day 2 of my own personal challenge to eat paleo. I stumbled onto your site on Pinterest and you have completely made my afternoon. Your recipes look and sound amazing (this one will have to wait until my thirty days are up. Boo.), and your blogs are hilarious and true. I used to want to be skinny soooo badly. I lost 40 pounds and the amount of strength I gained getting there was amazing. I now aim to be STRONG. I just ran a half marathon two weeks ago and two women who were running ahead of me had shirt that said, “Strong is the new beautiful.” I loved it. 🙂

  23. My husband and I just started CrossFit and are trying to eat Paleo! Yay! I am so bummed because I am allergic to coconut and so many of your amazing recipes call for coconut. I have seen some alternatives for other coconut products but what is an alternative for the coconut cream concentrate?

  24. Can you use coconut mana in place of the coconut cream concentrate? I’m really trying find legit home-made power bars to take with me to school & what not. Thanks!

  25. So I basically made fudge… I didn’t have coconut cream concentrate, so used coconut milk. It wasn’t bark for the recommended 45 minutes so I left in freezer for hours. I accidentally bought enjoy life semi sweet chocolate vs UNsweetened at whole foods. And the unsweetened shredded coconut I thought I had in my cabinet turned out to be sweetened…I’m new to paleo but pretty sure this isn’t. Don’t hate me. Let it slide. I love plantains too!

  26. this looks delish. Coconut + chocolate is a match made in heaven!
    I don’t suppose you have a weight measurement for the choc chips? In Australia our choc chips are non melty ones for adding to cookies, so I’ll need to buy some dark choc to try this recipe out.
    Thanks 🙂

  27. Okay, this was my favorite desert I think I have ever made! It was so so easy and will be awesome to bring to holiday parties or wherever! You could do different variations of bark and it would still be easy! Thanks so much!

  28. I made this but I used Enjoy Life semi sweet chips and coconut cream (not concentrate) mine didn’t harden either even after being in the freezer for at least 4 hours. Is there a difference between coconut cream and coconut cream concentrate? Mine is more like the consistency of fudge.

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