I shared this recipe a looooong time ago for my newsletter subscribers. But I thought it was finally time to bring this recipe out of the archives and share it with anyone who reads the blog! And guess what?! It comes with a cooking video, too. Aka a blending video. I blended so hard for you.

Well anywho, I’m officially ready for The Bachelor to be over. I spent 7 hours of my life watching The Bachelor and Bachelor Winter Games last week and I could not be more disappointed in myself. That is life I will never get back. That is time I could have spent making the world a better place, but instead, I melted into my couch and became a ball of worthless goo. Such a waste of flesh. And speaking of a waste of flesh, let’s talk about Arie!! I’M KIDDING. That would be incredibly mean to say about someone. He’s just so boring.

Ok, so remember I’m a week behind. I still haven’t watched the women tell all or last nights episode where they probably have overnights or something. I’m just caught up to hometown dates. Disturbing hometown dates. Arie starts off with the most disturbing date of all time – Kendall’s taxidermy storage cube. A part of me doesn’t believe that she actually has a taxidermy storage locker because I want to believe that Kendall isn’t a serial killer, but either way she played along with it. They walk into this locker filled with stuffed, dead animals. And you know what she wants him to do? She hands his the skin of a rat and she wants him to stuff it. I don’t care how hot you are and how much you love to be the quirky one – do not ever hand someone the flesh of an animal and act like that’s totally an ok thing to do. Oh, and you know what they do after they stuff two rats? They make them a married couple and force them to make out. Can someone call PETA because this episode is f*cked.

After they kick the show off by making me dry heave for a good half hour, they head to her parents house to meet her family and twin sister. Who cares about her twin sister, though. Her hot brother DID NOT get enough air time. It’s bullsh*t. Arie walks into her parents house with one of those gift baskets wrapped in plastic. This isn’t an auction, Arie. Flowers are just fine for this situation. You don’t have to bring cured meats and jam. Arie tells her family that he’s falling in love with her and Kendall’s twin seems less than thrilled. She says that she can feel space between them. And she’s right…there are three other women between them. That’s a good amount of space.

For the next date, Arie goes to Weiner, Arkansas. Population 713. And Tia takes him to a race track. They have only 713 people in the town but they somehow have a rack track? Get out of here. I kind of stopped watching at this point because I could truly care less about Arie doing laps around Tia. 20 minutes later, they meet her thick accent family. And they cheers with pigs in a blanket. No champagne or wine in this house. Just simply questionable pig products wrapped in gluten. Tia’s brother decides to take Arie outside to talk. He mentions that he hasn’t really been there for Tia but now he’s prepared to be. Sooooo you haven’t really been in Tia’s life but now that cameras are on, you’re ready to act like a protective brother. Class act, my man. He pretty much asks why Arie’s a slut. Then understands why when Arie says he’s been given a lot of opportunities to be a slut (I’m paraphrasing). Then Tia tells Arie she isn’t falling in love anymore…she’s officially there. And they make out in a yard that was obviously decorated by ABC.

Next up, Becca and Arie go apple picking. Then eat apples very loudly on camera. Not into it. Arie meets Becca’s family and since her father has passed away, Uncle Gary steps in to squint his eyes and look confused at everything Arie says. And he makes sure that Arie knows that he’s not cool with him not being religious or spiritual. It’s always super fun when people make you feel that way. What a Godly thing to do. Someone asks Arie if he’s having the same feelings for other women and he answers, “It’s totally different, but in a way it’s completely beautiful.” OH COME ON. Telling 4 families that you’re in love with their daughters is not beautiful. It’s a parents worst nightmare. At the end of this date, Arie tells Becca that he asked her mom for her blessing so Becca obviously thinks she’s going to win. She’s confident AF now.

Last but not least, the most boring date of all – Lauren. Sorry Lauren, you’re beautiful and I’m sure you’re wonderful but MAN, you come off dull. They ride horses on the beach to kick off their date. Those dates always seem romantic until your horse stops to take a massive dump. Did you bring a doggy bag, Arie?! Didn’t think so. When he meets Lauren’s family, he finds out they are just like her – they don’t talk. It’s just pure silence. They just keep mentioning that they are conservative family. What does that mean? To me it means you don’t have sex before marriage, you’re angry and you hate people. I’m obviously super conservative. THAT’S A JOKE, for any of you people who take me seriously. One of the first questions that Lauren’s dad has is if he plays golf. Which is fair since he lives in Scottsdale. He doesn’t. Poor Lauren’s dad’s dreams are crushed. So he tries to be a hard ass for approximately 2 minutes until Arie says that he traveled to Iraq for a goodwill tour and Lauren’s dad is complete putty in his hands.

From what I got from this episode, Arie has no clue what is going on. Which is why he asked every single family for their blessing. How pissed would you be if you were the winning chick and her family and watched that back. Way to throw an issue into an already unstable relationship. The rose ceremony ends with Arie seeming super upset and he takes Kendall aside in hopes of forcing her to say she loves him. She won’t. She may be a serial killer, but she’s a smart one. And then he kicks off Tia. Tia is WORKING IT. She knows this is her opportunity to win viewers hearts and become the next Bachelorette. She’s fake crying like a champ. But I think it’s pretty obvious what she’s doing. And I hope it works. I love a woman with a thick accent and a dirty mouth. She won my heart.

PaleOMG Treat Yo' Self Cookies & Cream Collagen Shake

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Treat Yo’ Self Cookies & Cream Collagen Shake

  • Author: juli
  • Prep Time: 5 minutes
  • Total Time: 5 minutes
  • Yield: 1 1x


  • 1 frozen banana
  • 1 cup almond milk
  • 12 tablespoons cacao nibs
  • 2 tablespoons Vanilla Coconut Collagen Fuel
  • 1 tablespoon almond butter
  • 1 tablespoon honey
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract


  1. Place all ingredients in a blender and blend until smooth and combine! Then drink up, honey butt!


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PaleOMG Treat Yo' Self Cookies & Cream Collagen Shake

PaleOMG Treat Yo' Self Cookies & Cream Collagen Shake


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  1. Jessi says:

    I’m that annoying person! Any suggestions for banana sub?