“Hey Juli! How was your day yesterday?” -random person who doesn’t exist to ask me that

“Oh you know. Just got pooped on by a bird. Or some kind of creature. Directly on my nose. All my worst fears finally came to life.” -pooped on Juli

Yeahhhhh. I got shat on. It wasn’t a large amount of poop, but enough to be ashamed. I was just jogging, minding my own business and pain, and a creature just let his business go. I’ve always had a fear of that happening to me when geese fly overhead, not while jogging downtown. But it happened. And to add insult to injury, I could barely squat because my hip flexor is acting up. W.T.F.

So, to answer your question, random person who doesn’t exist. “Yesterday was my favorite.”

But who doesn’t love a good almond butter?? Let’s get back to non poopy happy times. That include almond butter. If you’re still one of those people that aren’t sure what to do with almond butter, here’s the answer: you eat it. With a spoon, with a fork (awkwardly), with bananas, with apples, with celery, and really anything else you want. The world is your pyramid. Whatever the hell that means.

Have you noticed how Tyra Banks’ nose keeps getting smaller and smaller each year? It’s Michael Jackson style now. May he rest in peace. It’s just such a bummer because she’s like, REAL good looking. But she keeps ruining it. But who am I to say what good looking is. I’m not famous. Or a model. Maybe as I get older, I’ll start shootin’ up my face as well. You never know.


4.0 from 5 reviews

Vanilla Sugar Almond Butter
Prep time

Total time


Serves: 4-6

  • 1.5 cups roasted, unsalted almonds
  • ¼ cup almond oil
  • ¼ cup coconut sugar
  • 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
  • pinch of salt

  1. Puree almonds until they are completely broken down and begin to thicken.
  2. While food processor is still pureeing, add almond oil until the almonds become smooth.
  3. Then add coconut sugar, vanilla extract, and salt and puree once more until well incorporated.
  4. Eat with whatever you like.

Yields about 1 cup