I heard some funny sh*t the other day. Well, I do every day. I hang out with hilarious men regularly so I’m often holding my crotch in an attempt to not piss myself. But our convo the other day was extra special. We were talking about hot girls, which is a usual topic of conversation, and how b*tches be thinking they’re too big. We have this issue in our little CrossFit community of ours. Women are afraid of getting too big. Too bulky. Big traps. Blah blah blah. Ok it’s time to get something straight ladies:
- You are not going to get bulky. Lifting weights does not make you bulky. This makes you strong. Strong does not mean bulky. You know what makes you bulky? Cinnamon rolls. Yep, I would know.
- Muscles are sexy. They just are. Why do you think we all are slightly in love with Jessica Biel and/or Cameron Diaz? Because they have muscles. Duh.
- Having traps does not make you look manly. It give your shirt something to rest on. No traps = sinking shoulder dents from your bra straps. That’s gross. Do you want to be gross? Of course you don’t.
- Lifting weights makes you physically able, therefore, more attractive. Good dudes like girls that can hold their own. A girl who can pick sh*t up on her own and lift heavy sh*t over her head is wicked cool…a dude who isn’t into that is a douche bag and a p*ssy. You shouldn’t be into that kind of guy, ladies. Just trust me.
- And this is how a dude sees a woman who talks about not wanting to get bigger…in the words of my guy friend, whiny voice included, “I just want my arms to look skinny fat. I want my arms to look extra flaccid in my dress.”
After hearing that, I almost peed myself then was quite happy to know that I was around men who have high standards in their women. And want a woman that is strong. Has traps. And can hold her own. I love my guy friends.
Sorry I had to go on a rant. I’m sick of hearing that from girls. Especially when I’m bigger than all of them. My ass could literally swallow them up. But that’s because I want to make it to the Games. So my ass better be bigger than theirs. And has an appetite. Ladies, be strong. Be confident. Show the world what you are made of!
Now enough about women. Let’s eat. Chocolate that is. Oh, and if you’re going to let me know that Enjoy Life isn’t paleo and is filled with sugar, believe me, I know. I do not care. Kthanxbye.
Chocolate Coconut Bark
- Yield: 8+ 1x
Ingredients
- 1 cup coconut butter
- 1 1/2 cup Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips or dark chocolate chips
- 1/2 cup unsweetened shredded coconut
- pinch of salt
Instructions
- Pull out a 8×8 glass baking dish.
- Add your chocolate chips to dish and throw in the microwave for about 1:00, being sure to mix the chocolate chips if needed to be sure they do not burn. If you are a microwave nazi, use a double boiler to melt your chocolate. It’s your chocolate and your world. Do it up.
- Once chocolate is fully melted, add your coconut butter and shredded coconut and thoroughly mix.
- Use a spoon to spread mixture out evenly in your baking dish.
- Top everything off with a sprinkle of salt on top.
- Put in the freezer for around 45 minutes or more, the use your hands or a knife to chop your bark into pieces.
- Consume!
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You May Also Like:
Granola Krunch Chocolate Bark (nut free)
Thanksgiving Treat: Pomegranate Coconut Chocolate Bark
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Thanks for making me laugh my really loud goose honk laugh at my desk this morning as I read this. It’s ok, my co workers already think I’m nuts. 🙂
I love watching the girls doing the 427th rep with a 3 lb. dumbbell as I deadlift. They also watch me, in horror. (No crossfit box here, I am subjected to the freakshow aka commercial gym. Thank goodness I have an awesome trainer that is cf certified and puts me thru relentless WOD’s, much to the confusion of other patrons.)
I’m gonna try this bark tonight with some homemade coconut butter, do you think that will work ok?
Could not agree more! Having a crossfit/muscle-y body makes a girl feel empowered. I propose we just eat the skinny girls, it wouldn’t be that hard…
This bark was sooooooo good! I’m not a paleo eater and I think I ate most of the pan that Juli made.
HAHA Sarah. I love it. That sh*t was good. I think we all contributed to finishing this in 1 night. I also almost broke a knife trying to eat it when it was still frozen….my bad.
I am lucky I didn’t break my tooth trying to bite off a piece in my heat of needing chocolate
Speaking the TRUTH! Skinny fat is so OUT.
this looks bomb! think you can combine coconut oil and coconut milk to substitute the cream concentrate?
I don’t think that would work Emily, but you could use coconut butter. Just make your own!! I have a post on my blog to how to make your own. Just type coconut butter in the search bar! 4th page!
Oh, how I laugh every time a woman asks me for training advice but then follows up with “But I don’t want to get too big and bulky!” I want to say, “How ’bout you just start, and when you get too lean and muscular you just stop?” Come on, ladeez! Physiologically, it ain’t gonna happen. I’m a mesomorph girl, and even I can’t make myself “too bulky” no matter how much I lift.
Skinny fat makes me queasy.
Also, I’m going to find myself some coconut cream concentrate this very day so I can surprise my family with chocolate coconut bark tonight. I love your recipes and your stream-of-consciousness writing.
Do it up dgm!! Let me know how it turns out!
I agree, muscles are hot, and about Jessica Biel and Cameron! I hate skinny FAT! This looks amazing! Now I have to order some Coconut Butter! Geez, how long will that take to get to me so I can make this! I will just have to make my Tomato Cream Chicken Saugage Pasta and hope the butter comes quickly!! Thanks for another great recipe JB!
You ABSOLUTELY won’t regret buying that. It’s totally worth the wait!! Let me know how you like it!
Uhhh, it is REDONKULOUS! How did you not eat the entire pan while breaking it up? I had to put what didn’t get shoved in my face in the freezer. Maybe frozen bark will slow me down a bit. Great recipe, totally worth the wait! JB you ROCK!
Haha every great thing is worth the wait Natalie. Glad you liked it!
Pics of ladies doing pullups fires me up for some reason. So do pics of chocolate.
That’s why I slightly adore you Tom…and probably because you’re good looking. Those 2 things together are awesome!
Damn you Juli Bauer for posting all this amazingness of chocolate during a paleo challenge! You better believe that marks of those little morsels of heaven brownies and this bark will be all over my face come February 12th.
So glad girl muscles are in
Can’t wait til you can try it Jenny!!
This post was fucking hysterical! Glad to be amongst people who won’t look at me like I’m a freak for saying women with muscles are sexy. Now if I could just convince my wife that I’m not insane for thinking so she might actually join me for some Crossfit.
She should Justin!!!